My head and heart are not telling me the same thing

[littleraindrops]

Dear friendly readers,

 

I can't believe I am posting something here. I am lost and I can't make up my mind, so I need help.

 

I am a female, have a younger boyfriend (6 year difference) who is actually pretty mature compared to other guys in his age. He's only been in one relationship before, which only lasted about a little less than a year. They broke up three years ago, but still are very best friends. The girl seems fine, in fact when I didn't know her as his ex, I thought she was a very nice person.

 

The problem I have with our relationship is I am not happy that they are so close. He had warned me before without any specifics (texting everyday, going over to her house every once a while to watch TV, and being there whenever she needed help) that he wanted to continue his friendship with her. I was fine, until he told me that he thinks she still likes him. Then I started to (maybe shouldn't have started) compare how he responds to what each of us does or says.

 

I used to think that, because he mentioned that she needed some emotional support, it was her who did not move on (and he did tell me that himself, too). Now I'm beginning to realize that maybe he's the one who didn't move on because I can tell that he's so scared of losing her as his "best friend". She has dated other people a few times after they broke up and is currently in a relationship, but I am his first gf after their breakup.

 

I happened to watch him putting in the unlock code on his phone and I realized that those 4 numbers were the last two digits of her birth year and the last two digits of his birth year. I want to confront him, but I think he might get defensive and not admit it. We've already had three small breaks within the last 4 months of our entire relationship because of this issue with how he's so attached to his ex. If I confront him and we get into fight, I don't think we'll even remain as friends. We're in a situation where everyone around us knows we're together and I'm afraid that things will get very awkward if we broke up. During those last breaks, I was hit pretty hard, which shows that I may like him more than I thought I did. So I am kind of scared.

 

I tried to think of our relationship as a friends-with-benefit kind of a deal, but he's pretty disgusted by the idea. Attractiveness-wise, I am not too attracted to him physically, but I do find him charming. (People have told me that I could do better). I think he know this, too, but doesn't concern him much.

 

We both will be in this area for another 6 months or so. To be honest, I feel that he doesn't put me before anything because he is a very determined guy with big dreams. With only 6 months left, do I just let it be and try to focus on good and fun things or is it better to end it and deal with the awkwardness?

 

Please give me some advice.

[Versacehottie]

Hmmmmmm, tough spot to be in. I don't like the sound of it at all. If you ultimately think you will end up breaking up, I would do it now. And then when you leave that area in 6 months you will be able to put it all behind & start fresh in new place with a good happiness at that point down the road. I don't believe in giving people ultimatums--you will NEVER know if you do, and "get your way" what his REAL feelings are and it will contribute to more insecurity and distrust. If he comes to the conclusion on his own that he should cut contact with her for the good of your relationship, that would be good. In the end, you have to make a decision that you can live with. Good luck!

[AHaze]

What does it matter?

 

He's just a charming guy... nothing "special" and you think you could do better.

 

He's not too concerned, he doesn't make you his world and isn't willing to make sacrifices for you...

 

What is it, really.. if not a friendswithbenefits situation?

 

 

It's clearly not love... so do whatever you want, you'll both be over it in no time.

[NJtoDC]

Sounds like you are settling. You try to justify staying with him, after a few breakups over this 'friendship' he has, by minimizing the relationship to friends with benefits? Is that really what you want or is the prospect of leaving to painful to deal with?

 

You felt the need to mention you are not physically attracted to him and your friends say you can do better. What was the point of that? Is this the deciding factor on if you put up with his ex, whether you could do better looks-wise?

 

Anyhow, I would personally not date a guy who was involved with his ex in this manner. My ex's are in the past, we are not 'buddies'. I draw a line and date men who are like minded. To each their own.

[Ruby Slippers]

I also wouldn't be with a guy who's so wrapped up in his ex.

 

Sounds like you can do better, and it has nothing to do with looks.

[Versacehottie]

I would also add that I would concentrate on the things you DON'T find attractive about him, in order to move on: including the fact that he is co-dependent sort that still has contact with ex-gf in this manner. I'm of the opinion that they really should only see each other in a group setting and not otherwise and the texting is unnecessary. It sounds like he does things to impress her and that is NOT simply "friend" behavior and it's all complicated by the fact they used to date. If you're friends think you can do better, they might be right. Friends sometimes see things much clearer.

[Never Again]

The problem I have with our relationship is I am not happy that they are so close. He had warned me before without any specifics (texting everyday, going over to her house every once a while to watch TV, and being there whenever she needed help) that he wanted to continue his friendship with her. I was fine, until he told me that he thinks she still likes him. Then I started to (maybe shouldn't have started) compare how he responds to what each of us does or says.

 

 

If he felt comfortable telling you this, then he's either aware that his behavior is odd and is trying to cover it up...or trusts you and wants you to trust him. Take that for what you will.

 

 

I used to think that, because he mentioned that she needed some emotional support, it was her who did not move on (and he did tell me that himself, too). Now I'm beginning to realize that maybe he's the one who didn't move on because I can tell that he's so scared of losing her as his "best friend". She has dated other people a few times after they broke up and is currently in a relationship, but I am his first gf after their breakup.

 

People are afraid of this all the time. My ex wanted me to stay in her life because we were so close. It's a hard bond to break.

 

It does not mean he wants to get back together with her. However, there's no guarantee he doesn't either.

 

 

I happened to watch him putting in the unlock code on his phone and I realized that those 4 numbers were the last two digits of her birth year and the last two digits of his birth year. I want to confront him, but I think he might get defensive and not admit it. We've already had three small breaks within the last 4 months of our entire relationship because of this issue with how he's so attached to his ex. If I confront him and we get into fight, I don't think we'll even remain as friends. We're in a situation where everyone around us knows we're together and I'm afraid that things will get very awkward if we broke up. During those last breaks, I was hit pretty hard, which shows that I may like him more than I thought I did. So I am kind of scared.

 

The multiple breaks are a red flag that something is wrong here.

 

Now, he may have just gotten used to that code. He may have made it when they were together, but that doesn't mean it has any significance now. One of my passwords, for a long time, was a reference to an ex. I typed it in via muscle memory - his code does not signify anything. You're definitely reading into that one too much.

 

 

I tried to think of our relationship as a friends-with-benefit kind of a deal, but he's pretty disgusted by the idea. Attractiveness-wise, I am not too attracted to him physically, but I do find him charming. (People have told me that I could do better). I think he know this, too, but doesn't concern him much.

 

If your previous breaks concerned you, then obviously there is more to this than physical attraction. People are often attracted to personalities over looks once they get to know someone.

 

We both will be in this area for another 6 months or so. To be honest, I feel that he doesn't put me before anything because he is a very determined guy with big dreams. With only 6 months left, do I just let it be and try to focus on good and fun things or is it better to end it and deal with the awkwardness?

 

Please give me some advice.

 

He shouldn't necessary have to put you before EVERYTHING as you should be part of his world...not the center of it.

 

However, if he puts everything else before you...if you're his last priority, then that is a problem.

 

If you're leaving soon and are going to break up with him anyway, then do it sooner than later.

 

If you actually want to be with him...then just calmly say that his relationships with his ex makes you a little uncomfortable, but that you trust him...but set down some boundaries. Such as, no staying the night wherever she is, etc.

[jphcbpa]

Follow your head

[D-Lish]

I couldn't imagine putting up with someone so close to their ex. Not that you can dictate what someone else does with their life- but you have the option of walking away if you don't feel comfortable with it.

 

It seems a little much- texting every day, being available at the drop of a hat for emotional support, and on top of that, he admits she may still feel attached to him. It sounds like they are still bf and gf- without the sex.

[todreaminblue]

Has he introduced you to the ex as his girlfriend?......deb

[littleraindrops]

Hmmmmmm, tough spot to be in. I don't like the sound of it at all. If you ultimately think you will end up breaking up, I would do it now. And then when you leave that area in 6 months you will be able to put it all behind & start fresh in new place with a good happiness at that point down the road. I don't believe in giving people ultimatums--you will NEVER know if you do, and "get your way" what his REAL feelings are and it will contribute to more insecurity and distrust. If he comes to the conclusion on his own that he should cut contact with her for the good of your relationship, that would be good. In the end, you have to make a decision that you can live with. Good luck!

I don't think he'll ever do that; he's made it clear that he'll "never be that of an ******* to ditch her". I did express my discomfort, but he's just too scared that he'll lose her.

[littleraindrops]

Sounds like you are settling. You try to justify staying with him, after a few breakups over this 'friendship' he has, by minimizing the relationship to friends with benefits? Is that really what you want or is the prospect of leaving to painful to deal with?

 

You felt the need to mention you are not physically attracted to him and your friends say you can do better. What was the point of that? Is this the deciding factor on if you put up with his ex, whether you could do better looks-wise?

 

Anyhow, I would personally not date a guy who was involved with his ex in this manner. My ex's are in the past, we are not 'buddies'. I draw a line and date men who are like minded. To each their own.

I think I'm just too scared of breakups in general. My last long-term relationship did not go well and I did basically settle then. I don't want to settle now, but my heart aches too much from just thinking about it.

[littleraindrops]

What does it matter?

 

He's just a charming guy... nothing "special" and you think you could do better.

 

He's not too concerned, he doesn't make you his world and isn't willing to make sacrifices for you...

 

What is it, really.. if not a friendswithbenefits situation?

 

 

It's clearly not love... so do whatever you want, you'll both be over it in no time.

You're absolutely right. I mean, what I wrote in the beginning of the thread was more "facts", without my feelings incorporated (or I tried to stay as objective as possible). When I don't think about my feelings, I am actually okay with breaking up with him. But I think of my feelings, it gets complicated.

[littleraindrops]

I also wouldn't be with a guy who's so wrapped up in his ex.

 

Sounds like you can do better, and it has nothing to do with looks.

I know. I usually don't go for looks anyways. I guess I am trying to find reasons to force myself to look at things from a third person's point a view...? I mean, it is nice to hear "you two look so good together" than "you can do much better", right? I shouldn't settle really, but breakups are so difficult.

[littleraindrops]

Follow your head

trying. really, trying hard.

[littleraindrops]

I would also add that I would concentrate on the things you DON'T find attractive about him, in order to move on: including the fact that he is co-dependent sort that still has contact with ex-gf in this manner. I'm of the opinion that they really should only see each other in a group setting and not otherwise and the texting is unnecessary. It sounds like he does things to impress her and that is NOT simply "friend" behavior and it's all complicated by the fact they used to date. If you're friends think you can do better, they might be right. Friends sometimes see things much clearer.

Okay. That's a very effective way to do it... in theory, so I will think about how I can do this. Thank you.

[littleraindrops]

If he felt comfortable telling you this, then he's either aware that his behavior is odd and is trying to cover it up...or trusts you and wants you to trust him. Take that for what you will.

 

 

 

 

People are afraid of this all the time. My ex wanted me to stay in her life because we were so close. It's a hard bond to break.

 

It does not mean he wants to get back together with her. However, there's no guarantee he doesn't either.

 

 

 

 

The multiple breaks are a red flag that something is wrong here.

 

Now, he may have just gotten used to that code. He may have made it when they were together, but that doesn't mean it has any significance now. One of my passwords, for a long time, was a reference to an ex. I typed it in via muscle memory - his code does not signify anything. You're definitely reading into that one too much.

 

 

 

 

If your previous breaks concerned you, then obviously there is more to this than physical attraction. People are often attracted to personalities over looks once they get to know someone.

 

 

 

He shouldn't necessary have to put you before EVERYTHING as you should be part of his world...not the center of it.

 

However, if he puts everything else before you...if you're his last priority, then that is a problem.

 

If you're leaving soon and are going to break up with him anyway, then do it sooner than later.

 

If you actually want to be with him...then just calmly say that his relationships with his ex makes you a little uncomfortable, but that you trust him...but set down some boundaries. Such as, no staying the night wherever she is, etc.

He is definitely not selfish enough to put everything before me, but selfish enough to make me do more work. I'm not sure if he realizes that though. Maybe he's just too young to understand that there has to be some re-prioritizing he needs to do when he wants to get the girl (he approached me first and basically helped me to feel okay to start a new relationship at the beginning). Thank you for sharing your thoughts on how I may look at his point of view on his ex.

[littleraindrops]

I couldn't imagine putting up with someone so close to their ex. Not that you can dictate what someone else does with their life- but you have the option of walking away if you don't feel comfortable with it.

 

It seems a little much- texting every day, being available at the drop of a hat for emotional support, and on top of that, he admits she may still feel attached to him. It sounds like they are still bf and gf- without the sex.

Yeah, I agree. I am slightly annoyed by the fact that she has a boyfriend, too. It's like they both are cheating on their significant others, you know?

[littleraindrops]

Has he introduced you to the ex as his girlfriend?......deb

No, he did offer, but I felt too uncomfortable. He was hoping that maybe she and I could even become best friends. Am I being overly cautious about getting to know her?

[Versacehottie]

I think you may be settling in more ways than one if you accept behavior that doesn't sit well with you. It will start to hurt your self-esteem because you know you are allowing something in your life that you are not ok with. If he is so afraid to "lose her" when he knows how it is affecting you, does that mean he's not afraid to lose you? Messed up priorities which is probably why their contact makes you uncomfortable. I think the next course of action should be to tell him he can do what he wants, of course, but that you just don't feel good about the situation and are strongly considering moving on because of it. If you are gonna break up, bite the bullet & do it sooner rather than later. It will just waste your time and delay you from finding the next person that makes you happy.

[greenfairie]

That's just kind of shady to be honest. Does he invite you to come hang out with them? I don't know if I would want my ex to hang out with HIS ex.. like what are you doing with her??? Close friends? Ookay…whatever.

[littleraindrops]

I think you may be settling in more ways than one if you accept behavior that doesn't sit well with you. It will start to hurt your self-esteem because you know you are allowing something in your life that you are not ok with. If he is so afraid to "lose her" when he knows how it is affecting you, does that mean he's not afraid to lose you? Messed up priorities which is probably why their contact makes you uncomfortable. I think the next course of action should be to tell him he can do what he wants, of course, but that you just don't feel good about the situation and are strongly considering moving on because of it. If you are gonna break up, bite the bullet & do it sooner rather than later. It will just waste your time and delay you from finding the next person that makes you happy.

Okay. I know I'm not okay with it, so I am going to make a decision for me, which is to break up. I just hope I don't get too emotionally sick. I am almost 30 and am really scared about this. So pathetic.

[littleraindrops]

That's just kind of shady to be honest. Does he invite you to come hang out with them? I don't know if I would want my ex to hang out with HIS ex.. like what are you doing with her??? Close friends? Ookay…whatever.

I agree, it is shady. I hope he someday realizes that this is not how he gets the girl he wants. I should have just not tried this again after the first break.

[Versacehottie]

Well this is just a forum, so definitely think it through for what you REALLY truly want. Only you know your life and your circumstances and this guy. On the positive side, which you just mentioned, he did offer to introduce you to her and want you both to hang out. On another positive note, 29 is amazing, and you will have someone else special in your life if you want to. Don't stress (or stay with him just because of that part--it will be fine, promise). Here's the thing if I were in your situation: it sounds like even if there is nothing going on with feelings on either her end or his end, that they have a very tight bond emotionally. Unfortunately, it doesn't give you the opportunity to have your own bond with him that exceeds theirs. It's hard. I'm not very jealous at all and I wouldn't like it and it would be extremely hurtful to me. Good luck.

[D-Lish]

I agree, it is shady. I hope he someday realizes that this is not how he gets the girl he wants. I should have just not tried this again after the first break.

 

it's alight- you tried it again and nothing has changed on his end. It's just very weird that he started off the relationship with a disclaimer that his ex gf is a part of the package as his best friend.

 

In my opinion it's odd for him to think any new gf in his life would be okay regarding his behaviour with his ex. It would be a problem for most people- you've been a trooper putting up with it for as long as you have.

 

I'm not friends with anyone I've broken up with, acquaintances - yes, but that's due to circumstances of having a large social circle. No way I'd ever let an ex take precedence over a new guy- unless the ex still had a hold on me. No other way to say it.