wife cheated 12 years ago

[nabelp]

Thanks for all the replies.

Some replies are dead wrong but some made a lot of sense. You may know my story but no one knows me or my wife. Yes, shes an excellent mother.

My daughter looks so much like me that I know she is mine. Her first grade picture is a spitting image of my first grade picture. So no DNA test is needed.

I decided on the 2nd day to at least try to make my marriage work. Does my daughter have a lot to do with it. Sure she does. My son is 21 and out of the house already. I still love my wife.

I caught her texting another guy 1 week after it started. For everyone, you are able to read text messages on Verizons website. If you have a suspicion log on to your Verizon account and read every message she sent. Even if she deleted them (like she did) they will not delete on Verizon's website. The talk was very sexual but when it came down to him wanting to go out, her replies were excuse after excuse as to why she couldn't. By the way, she used to work with sexting guy at the same place she met the OM.

[Iguanna]

I decided on the 2nd day to at least try to make my marriage work. Does my daughter have a lot to do with it. Sure she does. My son is 21 and out of the house already. I still love my wife.

 

You have made your decision then, why write on a forum to get advises?

[Spectre]

Ok, but what about the texts that made you find out she had an affair? What did those specifically say? Was she bragging about it? Being remorseful?

 

I am not saying your wife is a bad mother and I do hope your child is yours and it sounds like she is. That said, I feel you are making a mistake working on this. Your wife did not even come clean to you..you found out. She would of never told you if you hadn't.

 

The truth is she may not be a bad mother, but she's a terrible wife. She'd never do this to a man she was in love with, I am sorry but that is the truth.

 

I do hope you change your mind and realize you deserve better then this woman. Shes a serial cheater and honestly why would you want a wife who isn't in love with you? Maybe if you weren't married, but if I'm going to spend the rest of my life with a chick I want her to be in love with me and actually have some respect for me. I know you might say "Oh but she is in love with me" but actions speak louder then words man, and her actions speak clear as day.

 

So I hope you do get the courage to walk away..I hate to see people make the mistake you are making.

Edited November 22, 2013 by Spectre

[Iguanna]

I really dislike it when someone asks for opinions and advise and when people do tell him/her their point of view, he/she says "you don't know me or my story, you are offending me, I have decided to do that". Then why ask for an opinion in the first place if you've made your decision?

 

Anyway, it seems the OP has decided to work things with his wife, I wish you good luck.

[Spectre]

Well of course it is true we do not truly know him or his wife. Thing is you don't need to know someone really well to know something about them based on their actions. Maybe this is an extreme example, but I have never once met Charles Manson and I do not know him at all. Though I can still say with certainly he's a crazy murdering psychopath. Or a crazy psychopath who orders other people to commit murder. All this is because I can judge what he has done.

 

Same thing here, I don't know his wife well..but I don't need to know her well to know what her behavior signifies.

[nabelp]

I really dislike it when someone asks for opinions and advise and when people do tell him/her their point of view, he/she says "you don't know me or my story, you are offending me, I have decided to do that". Then why ask for an opinion in the first place if you've made your decision?

 

Anyway, it seems the OP has decided to work things with his wife, I wish you good luck.

 

 

Youre absolutely right. I did decide to try and work it out. I have to give that a chance. If it doesn't work out (and I don't know the time frame) I will know its time to leave. I came on this site to cope and put my story out there privately without anyone knowing who I am. I wanted to see if there was anyone in a situation of finding out years later. I now know there are a few. I am dazed, confused, angry, sad and many more. This from a guy that never showed emotions. I didn't even cry at my Moms funeral. I now know that I have every emotion possible and they all seem to come to me at the same time. Its very hard to control.

 

Maybe I am an idiot. Sometimes I think I am. I was played for a fool years ago and I am being a fool now. However, in my mind, just packing up and leaving is cowardly. I have to try.

[Spectre]

No man, having the courage to leave is the OPPOSITE of cowardly! Cowardly is staying when you know you are being made a fool of. You even just stated you know you are being a fool now.

 

Leaving someone is not easy, it's not cowardly. It's the least cowardly thing you could do in this situation.

Edited November 22, 2013 by Spectre

[Try]

The talk was very sexual but when it came down to him wanting to go out, her replies were excuse after excuse as to why she couldn't. By the way, she used to work with sexting guy at the same place she met the OM.

Who your wife was 12 years ago, although important, is not as important as who she still is today. Sexting is cheating and proves that she was at least in an emotional affair (EA) with the sexting guy. You know for a fact that your wife cheated 12 years ago when she had the physical affair (PA) with other man #1 (OM#1), and you know for a fact that your wife is still cheating today but this time with the sexting guy (OM#2). Your wife was a cheater 12 years ago, and is still a cheater today. It is beyond dispute that your wife is a serial cheater. You need to address your future with her with this in mind.

 

She met OM#2 at the same place as OM#1, had you not caught her, based on her pattern, the odds are high that it may have also eventually become a PA; OM#2 was already asking her and she never said no, she just put it off. Worse yet, it is almost an impossibility that you know everything about every affair that your wife has had over the last 12 years. If she was a proven cheater 12 years ago, and is still a proven cheater today, it is extremely likely that there were other affairs in-between. The sad truth is that you will never know everything about the past 12 years, nor that you will know everything about the next 12 years if you stay with your wife. All of us need to trust our spouses because none of will ever know everything. Can you live with not being able to trust your wife?

Edited November 22, 2013 by Try

[nabelp]

No man, having the courage to leave is the OPPOSITE of cowardly! Cowardly is staying when you know you are being made a fool of. You even just stated you know you are being a fool now.

 

Leaving someone is not easy, it's not cowardly. It's the least cowardly thing you could do in this situation.

 

Never thought of it that way. Thank you.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Youre absolutely right. I did decide to try and work it out. I have to give that a chance. If it doesn't work out (and I don't know the time frame) I will know its time to leave. I came on this site to cope and put my story out there privately without anyone knowing who I am. I wanted to see if there was anyone in a situation of finding out years later. I now know there are a few. I am dazed, confused, angry, sad and many more. This from a guy that never showed emotions. I didn't even cry at my Moms funeral. I now know that I have every emotion possible and they all seem to come to me at the same time. Its very hard to control.

 

Maybe I am an idiot. Sometimes I think I am. I was played for a fool years ago and I am being a fool now. However, in my mind, just packing up and leaving is cowardly. I have to try.

 

You can try to work it out and see how it goes. You can always decide to divorce down the road. There are no rules on when you have to make that difficult decision.

[ChooseTruth]

It takes courage to stay and reconcile and it takes courage to leave. It's hard to have the wisdom to know which one to do.

 

She needs to understand that the LIES are the thing that make this so hard. 12 years of lies. Now you can't be sure of hardly anything. Now your doubts will be that much more because she had to be discovered instead of coming clean. Lies make it very hard to heal because you don't know what to believe anymore. It destroys that oh so vital communication between partners.

 

She needs to prove she can tell the truth even when it's hard. That's the big thing. She might have done that a little if she truly did come clean and tell you everything.

[Confused48]

I have not read you whole thread but I see you asked a couple times if anyone else was in your sitch. Yes. See the story of ISayWhoa! He found out his wife had an affair 7 years before he found out about it. He and his wife tried recon. She ended up posting on his thread. It did not end with recon.

[Mr. Lucky]

I caught her texting another guy 1 week after it started. For everyone, you are able to read text messages on Verizons website. If you have a suspicion log on to your Verizon account and read every message she sent. Even if she deleted them (like she did) they will not delete on Verizon's website. The talk was very sexual but when it came down to him wanting to go out, her replies were excuse after excuse as to why she couldn't. By the way, she used to work with sexting guy at the same place she met the OM.

I wanted to see if there was anyone in a situation of finding out years later. I now know there are a few. I am dazed, confused, angry, sad and many more.

Why the focus on 12 years ago when you just caught her cheating now?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Untouchable_Fire]

I really dislike it when someone asks for opinions and advise and when people do tell him/her their point of view, he/she says "you don't know me or my story, you are offending me, I have decided to do that". Then why ask for an opinion in the first place if you've made your decision?

Anyway, it seems the OP has decided to work things with his wife, I wish you good luck.

 

Just because a person chooses to try doesn't mean it's without reservations or doubt. Those things are natural and needed.

 

Maybe I am an idiot. Sometimes I think I am. I was played for a fool years ago and I am being a fool now. However, in my mind, just packing up and leaving is cowardly. I have to try.

 

You control your own fate here! You cannot and should not try to control your wife.

 

My thought is this... If she gets off setting and cheating the emotional need that drives that behavior hasn't changed. So why do you now expect different behavior from her? Just because you are watching?

 

I think that is the core question you must answer before moving forward.

[drifter777]

No man, having the courage to leave is the OPPOSITE of cowardly! Cowardly is staying when you know you are being made a fool of. You even just stated you know you are being a fool now.

 

Leaving someone is not easy, it's not cowardly. It's the least cowardly thing you could do in this situation.

So many people try to tell you that staying with a cheater for the kids or for whatever reason is so noble - like that is what takes courage. Bullsh*t.

 

OP: whether you decide to stay with her or not, make the decision based on how you feel about what she did. If you truly think you can accept her cheating and lying as something in the past and that she's not that same person anymore, you have a chance at reconciliation. Don't make this decision quickly or lightly. Don't let her manipulate you with all the "I love you" and crying and extra sex. These are the weapons she will use to confuse you and take you attention away from where it belongs.

 

Reading your story choked me up. I can feel the devastation she has done to you. For her to tell you it was "all for fun" is the most disgusting part for me. I mean, she became a slut for this guy and enjoyed the whole thing. Then she withholds it all and keeps you in the dark for 12 years? And now this texting nonsense? I could never accept it. Just never.

[cocahouts]

I just found out my wife was cheating on me for about a year and everyone is telling me I'm crazy for trying to work it out.

 

Try looking at if from her side, she wanted some dirty exciting sex...it wasn't with a stranger but someone she knew and was comfortable with. Not a total slut but still hard to forgive, an office relationship is common. Think how many women you kinda flirt with, you're just the better person for not acting on it.

Now she is texting having an emotional affair with another man... The texting is the fun part. Not getting caught and teasing.... It's exciting and she's having fun again. She's getting to know this guy and if you hadn't caught it, only you can really imagine what she would do.

 

You love her like I love my wife, so many years invested you're fighting to hold on to it. I am giving my wife another chance because I wasn't so innocent but she connected with another man so that's the pain to let go. Mine was recent so I have 990 pieces out of the 1000 piece puzzle in front of me. 12 years....you're going to need help...

 

I have made it clear this is the only chance that we both have... We are snapping at each other, zero trust, paranoid, sometime down right nasty to each other. But neither of us have pushed blame on to the other and we now talk more than we ever had. I am finally meeting the real woman I married 17 years ago, had two kids with and have decided to try and grow old with.

 

Your puzzle will never be completed....you are going to be thinking about this as you grow old with her. Your kids will love you no matter what.

 

This is your decision, take some time and don't let anyone tell you what to do. Just don't ever let her do this to you again, once is painful enough.

[tom670]

The problem is in her warped thinking like most cheaters if they don't suffer any consequences they will most likely cheat again because they can.

 

Some are just like drug addicts taboo sex releases brain chemicals.

I wish you luck though.

[BeholdtheMan]

Thanks for all the replies.

Some replies are dead wrong but some made a lot of sense. You may know my story but no one knows me or my wife. Yes, shes an excellent mother.

My daughter looks so much like me that I know she is mine. Her first grade picture is a spitting image of my first grade picture. So no DNA test is needed.

I decided on the 2nd day to at least try to make my marriage work. Does my daughter have a lot to do with it. Sure she does. My son is 21 and out of the house already. I still love my wife.

I caught her texting another guy 1 week after it started. For everyone, you are able to read text messages on Verizons website. If you have a suspicion log on to your Verizon account and read every message she sent. Even if she deleted them (like she did) they will not delete on Verizon's website. The talk was very sexual but when it came down to him wanting to go out, her replies were excuse after excuse as to why she couldn't. By the way, she used to work with sexting guy at the same place she met the OM.

If that's a case, you can be a doormat next Halloween, you won't even need to buy a costume

[BeholdtheMan]

I just found out my wife was cheating on me for about a year and everyone is telling me I'm crazy for trying to work it out.

 

Try looking at if from her side, she wanted some dirty exciting sex...it wasn't with a stranger but someone she knew and was comfortable with. Not a total slut but still hard to forgive, an office relationship is common. Think how many women you kinda flirt with, you're just the better person for not acting on it.

Now she is texting having an emotional affair with another man... The texting is the fun part. Not getting caught and teasing.... It's exciting and she's having fun again. She's getting to know this guy and if you hadn't caught it, only you can really imagine what she would do.

 

You love her like I love my wife, so many years invested you're fighting to hold on to it. I am giving my wife another chance because I wasn't so innocent but she connected with another man so that's the pain to let go. Mine was recent so I have 990 pieces out of the 1000 piece puzzle in front of me. 12 years....you're going to need help...

 

I have made it clear this is the only chance that we both have... We are snapping at each other, zero trust, paranoid, sometime down right nasty to each other. But neither of us have pushed blame on to the other and we now talk more than we ever had. I am finally meeting the real woman I married 17 years ago, had two kids with and have decided to try and grow old with.

 

Your puzzle will never be completed....you are going to be thinking about this as you grow old with her. Your kids will love you no matter what.

 

This is your decision, take some time and don't let anyone tell you what to do. Just don't ever let her do this to you again, once is painful enough.

Ugh...please don't follow this guy's spineless advice

 

Attempt reconciliation by all means, but don't make excuses for your wife and somehow rationalise her cheating as OK

[Oberfeldwebel]

I don't tell people to divorce, that is your decision to make one way or another. There is absolutely no way that in a few paragraphs that you can encompass the complexity of a marriage, so don't be apologetic of deciding to reconcile with your wife.

 

However, for that to happen you have to have honesty from her and yourself. She naturally wants to water down the events, so it doesn't seem so bad and to save your feelings. You need to tell her in no uncertain terms that the lying is as bad if not worse than the infidelity. Lying is just a continuation of the affair and kills any chance of trust in your relationship. Also if you are not in couples counseling, I highly encourage you to do so, don't sweep this under the rug.

[Yesterday]

Youre absolutely right. I did decide to try and work it out. I have to give that a chance. If it doesn't work out (and I don't know the time frame) I will know its time to leave. I came on this site to cope and put my story out there privately without anyone knowing who I am. I wanted to see if there was anyone in a situation of finding out years later. I now know there are a few. I am dazed, confused, angry, sad and many more. This from a guy that never showed emotions. I didn't even cry at my Moms funeral. I now know that I have every emotion possible and they all seem to come to me at the same time. Its very hard to control.

 

Maybe I am an idiot. Sometimes I think I am. I was played for a fool years ago and I am being a fool now. However, in my mind, just packing up and leaving is cowardly. I have to try.

 

You were looking for someone in a similar situation, Jan. of this year, I found out of my wifes' affair she had 30 years ago. She is unable to provide a great deal of information for other reasons than yours. I have a difficult time forgiving when I don't really know the extent of her affair. The reason we are working it out is that she has been to therapy to find out for me. Like yours, she is a great mother, but a wife who broke her vows and promises to be faithful to me by making plans with another man to be intimate behind my back. This eats at me daily, and has for the past 11 months. I think she strayed with only one AP, I can never know for sure but I have never caught her. Mine told me of the affair, I didn't have any proof.

 

Your situation is different, you refer to the affair of 12 years that you have recently found out. You also found out she has been sexting with someone from the same workplace as an AP 12 years ago. Your wife remained active in her extra marital affairs, this you know. You simply don't know the extent of her flaunting herself to other men.

 

You know your wife remains in contact with the AP of 12 years ago. This shows her affair and feelings were not 'just for fun'. She is lying to you that she said she loved him, but didn't actually have feelings for him. Just for fun is 'quick and forget', not stay in touch relationship for years.

 

Your situation is also different where your wife has shown little remorse for her affairs according to your posts. She is not forthcoming with the truth, she deleted texts, she stayed in touch on FB. She fails to understand your grief, hurt and shame that she has brought upon you when she says you should move past as it happened 12 years ago.

 

I suggest your wife needs to realize what she has put at risk with her affairs. Her self esteem, her family, her friends and you. You need as much of the complete truth as you are willing to deal with, she must provide it without question. She needs professional help while you need to protect yourself and your family. See a lawyer and establish a line in the sand, understand the legal position your wife has created for you.

 

Your wife is not the person you thought you married years ago, deal with the real person you know today. This is not easy, but know she is the one who inflicted this cancer into your marriage, not you.

[cocahouts]

Spineless advice, trying to fight for what you love then I'll take that....this will be the least of my worries for this year.

 

Yesterday's post seems dead on, I'm sure there are details you left out but from what you said it sounds like she enjoys the hunt and the attention.

 

Maybe if you let it all explode on her and everyone like family, friends, co-workers find out it might instill so much shame in her and cause her to quit. If not you'll still get to let it out.

 

You sort of know her, now your meeting the real her so only you should make this decision. Spineless, firm, or cowardly advice from this site should not decide for you....

 

It's your life... but good for you how ever you handle it.

[cocahouts]

Just by ten years, late 40's. The fun came from the fantasy and the not getting caught for awhile. I can understand that aspect, hell I was the same way but just for a ONS.

 

I am having issues getting over the time they spent together, about 8 months turning sexual for about 3 at the end. This "Friend" of mine took what I told him in confidence and turned it on me, and vise versa. My marriage was in a bad place and this b@stard pushed it over the top and sped up the damage. I wonder if any of this would have happened if he was a true friend. I would never have imagined such scum sneaked right under my nose.

[bubbaganoosh]

However, in my mind, just packing up and leaving is cowardly. I have to try.

 

First mistake. You don't pack up and leave. Why should you. She's the one that needs a pair of suspenders to keep her pants up friend.

 

If anyone should leave it's her. She caused the problem and has to be the one to pay for it.

 

She had affairs in the past and now is having a EA over the phone so to me it's obvious that she knows that you will do nothing about it. It's time to call her on the carpet for the EA and let her know that there is no longer trust in the marriage.

 

Maybe in your mind you can't do anything about the affairs from a long time ago but you can do something about the latest one. It's up to you. Is this the kind of life you want where there is no trust and constant lying to you? Your life friend and if that's what you want then good luck.