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Long distance - Says she still has feelings for her EX

Just Some Fellow

By Just Some Fellow
in Long-Distance Relationships

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Just Some Fellow New Member

Just Some Fellow

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So basically I'm in a long distance relationship with a girl I love loads; she loves me too which is great! The only problem is she said that given the chance she would MARRY her ex in the future, I got a bit pissed off and pretty low when she said it...

I told her not to worry but she felt really guilty and bitchy for saying it and that she does love me loads and loads, it's just she was in a relationship with him for a few years and we've been been together for a few months (known her for years btw) so she said it'll take time for her to feel like she did with him, with me...if that makes sense?

It's just I don't know how to react to the whole situation, like if she still loves him, then why am I with her? I wouldn't swap her for anyone, and she tells me the same all the time...It's just, it really hit me hard before haha. Just needed to say all that I guess, if anyone has advice on the whole situation then great and thanks, but I just don't know how to respond to what she said :/

 

Apologies for sounding a moany bitch!

 

Thanks x

CherryT Established Member

CherryT

Posted
Posted

Yikes. That's a red flag.

 

If you break up with someone after a few years, you can be over the person but not the situation. That makes sense. A lot of people who get into a new relationship, even after some time, are more cautious (understandably). But to say to your new partner "If given the chance, I'd marry him"… that's pretty heavy and the feelings are definitely still there. Now add on the fact you're in a LDR, you could just well be the rebound guy that she needs. Someone who's not always there but is there enough (talking and supporting) to help her get her mind off him. But if she had the chance to get back together with him, she could leave you.

 

How often do you both see each other and what's the distance like? Actually, not even sure if that matters… if my Fiance (well when he was my boyfriend) said that to me, I wouldn't be that happy about it.

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bill101 Member

bill101

Posted
Posted (edited)

Just Some Fellow,

 

She clearly disrespected you.

 

How long were you friends before you actually got into a relationship with her?

Edited by bill101
nomadic_butterfly Established Member

nomadic_butterfly

Posted
Posted (edited)
So basically I'm in a long distance relationship with a girl I love loads; she loves me too which is great! The only problem is she said that given the chance she would MARRY her ex in the future, I got a bit pissed off and pretty low when she said it...

I told her not to worry but she felt really guilty and bitchy for saying it and that she does love me loads and loads, it's just she was in a relationship with him for a few years and we've been been together for a few months (known her for years btw) so she said it'll take time for her to feel like she did with him, with me...if that makes sense?

It's just I don't know how to react to the whole situation, like if she still loves him, then why am I with her? I wouldn't swap her for anyone, and she tells me the same all the time...It's just, it really hit me hard before haha. Just needed to say all that I guess, if anyone has advice on the whole situation then great and thanks, but I just don't know how to respond to what she said :/

 

Apologies for sounding a moany bitch!

 

Thanks x

 

I can never for the life of me understand why people start something serious with someone new KNOWING they have unresolved feelings for the ex. Until she accepts the reality that their issues caused them to break up, she will still have a lingering in her soul. She is/has grieved the breakup with him, but until she accepts that it was not meant to be you will serve as a bandaid to her wound. She needs to heal solo first and THEN enter a relationship. As so long as she doesn't come to acceptance and get closure, you will be second fiddle.

 

I don't know what to tell you because you are already in too deep but you are second choice; implicitly her Mr. Right Now. If the ex drops his current gf she will welcome him with open arms and dump you. Sucks she made you fall for her before disclosing you are a rebound. My ex still loves me 5yrs later because even though he has had two gfs after me including the current, he refuses to grieve us and jumped from person to person out of fear of loneliness and not wanting to face the feelings. His current gf is getting the short end of the stick and it isn't fair although she is a rebound's rebound making it doubly worse.

 

I hope it works out for you but tread very lightly in the meanwhile. In my younger more naive and less discerning days, I have been dropped out of no where multiple times I. Age old scenarios like this difference being the guys didn't let me know the deal til after the fact rather than forewarn me. She should have kept that to herself but now you have no one to blame but yourself of she drops you for him. If only matters of the heart were always black and white :confused:

Edited by nomadic_butterfly
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soccerrprp Established Member

soccerrprp

Posted
Posted
I can never for the life of me understand why people start something serious with someone new KNOWING they have unresolved feelings for the ex. Until she accepts the reality that their issues caused them to break up, she will still have a lingering in her soul. She is/has grieved the breakup with him, but until she accepts that it was not meant to be you will serve as a bandaid to her wound. She needs to heal solo first and THEN enter a relationship. As so long as she doesn't come to acceptance and get closure, you will be second fiddle.

 

I don't know what to tell you because you are already in too deep but you are second choice; implicitly her Mr. Right Now. If the ex drops his current gf she will welcome him with open arms and dump you. Sucks she made you fall for her before disclosing you are a rebound. My ex still loves me 5yrs later because even though he has had two gfs after me including the current, he refuses to grieve us and jumped from person to person out of fear of loneliness and not wanting to face the feelings. His current gf is getting the short end of the stick and it isn't fair although she is a rebound's rebound making it doubly worse.

 

I hope it works out for you but tread very lightly in the meanwhile. In my younger more naive and less discerning days, I have been dropped out of no where multiple times I. Age old scenarios like this difference being the guys didn't let me know the deal til after the fact rather than forewarn me. She should have kept that to herself but now you have no one to blame but yourself of she drops you for him. If only matters of the heart were always black and white :confused:

 

nomadic_butterfly,

 

I like this! Very good response.

 

How do you deal with your ex's sustained "love" for you?

nomadic_butterfly Established Member

nomadic_butterfly

Posted
Posted
nomadic_butterfly,

 

I like this! Very good response.

 

How do you deal with your ex's sustained "love" for you?

 

Thanks, purely from experience I tell these things. I deal with it by being practical. I waited two years for him to come to his senses, still having hope, then I woke up and smelled the roses, accepted it, closed the chapter and moved on.

 

We met online when I was 16 and we met 6 months after so we had a chance to have a solid friendship foundation. The friendship still stands despite the romantic element being gone (at least in my book). I know it sounds a bit wrong but I have no sympathy or empathy for his current gf. When we broke up, we were in the state of reconciliation a few months later only for me to find he had gf #1. I confronted him, told her what was the deal and like most women she was very silly, gloated about their relationship and had the temerity to think after 4 months she knew him better than me (6 YEARS). I told her exactly how it would play out and that I don't believe in arguing with a fool and dismissed her. The ex and I didn't talk for two years after.

 

Two yrs later she wrote me a long text apologizing for how she mocked me and was nasty to me, and he did the SAME to her. He met gf #2 and was reconciling with gf#1. Gf #1 told gf #2 (current gf) how he did me and how he was now doing it to her. The current girlfriend knew this and STILL took him back right away with no consequence so she has no one to blame but herself. In fact, he visited me a couple months ago and it was a blast. We still can be good friends. I have not had a serious bf this whole time (5 yrs) so we still talk. If it pans out with the guy I like now (or whomever), I will drop the ex bf like a hot potato, b/c unlike him, I respect my relationships and as such no need to liaise with a man from the past professing his love while dealing with a man of the present/future. He doesn't respect his relationship b/c she taught him it is ok to misbehave. We teach people how to treat us and I have no sympathy or empathy for those who don't demand respect.

 

I also think despite him still loving me, he is not ready for marriage yet and he knows I don't play games and he could never approach me with anything but marriage at this point. No playing house. If he were marriage minded now, I think he would take the next step as ask "us" to try again but it is too late. The new guy I like seems like he could be what I've been waiting for and even if it doesn't pan out, I don't want my ex back. His best friend is a loser who was jealous of us (said to me, "gosh he is ALWAYS talking about you, Vanessa this, Vanessa that and then he rolled his eyes), he also tried to sleep with me, and used my ex bf but he is too blind to see it. I also am not fond of his mother and vice versa. She is very evil, mean spirited, manipulative, insecure and controlling. She talks about people IN THEIR OWN HOUSE and gets upset when you don't chime in. Excuse me I don't gossip and I have no need to bash people especially in their own homes while they are in another room. By far the most negative person I have ever met. My ex also told me she said, "Vanessa is a very pretty girl, are you sure she is equally attracted to you?" WTF. As an extremely family oriented person, if I don't like your mom it is a no go. And I seldom ever not like anyone or vice versa. I am pretty easy going.

justwhoiam Established Member

justwhoiam

Posted
Posted
you could just well be the rebound
Yeah. Ever heard of the term "rebound"? You seem to fit the definition perfectly.

 

I never had a rebound, so I have no idea what it feels like. But rest assured, had you said something like that to a girlfriend in love with you (a girlfriend should always be, but better be specific), you would also know what hell is.

 

So how many times did you meet her?

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