The rules of breaking up?

[Never Again]

Hello all,

 

I'd like to create a bullet-pointed list of the most important things for both sides to remember during a breakup. I know there are comprehensive guides on how to survive, but this would be more of a cheat sheet.

 

I've come up with a preliminary list, but it's a little...wordy. I wanted to throw it out there so folks could edit, add or make their own. Maybe we can create a nice, brief little resource for new members of LS.

 

The Break Up "Commandments"

 

Dumpee:

 

Prelude: Be aware. Some people cannot handle their own negative emotions and instead choose to bottle them up and give off "signs" that they're disatisfied instead of opening their mouth and saying something. You may be guilty of this too - I know I am. A relationship requires open and active communication on both sides. If you see the signs of an impending breakup, say something instead of ignoring it...that'll only lead to a more explosive end. Also, if you don't want to be in the relationship anymore, leave - don't make the other person be a forced dumper.

 

1.) Don't panic. You will be fine. Yes, it hurts. Yes, there is physical pain when this kind of bond is broken. Keep your dignity. You don't need to be happy about it. Go for it, be sad. Hell, let your ex see you be sad, but take a deep breath and keep yourself together. Tears are fine (yes, even if you're a dude). Blubbering is not.

2.) Understand that your ex doesn't like this any more than you do. It doesn't matter why they're doing it, but they are - and ending a loving relationship is never an easy or clean affair.

3.) Accept the breakup - hell, even agree that it's for the best if you're partner is unhappy.

4.) Shut your mouth. No excuses, logic or begging. If you must express how you feel, do it ONCE and do it calmly.

5.) Avoid all official post-breakup talks. Those talks are NOT an opportunity for closure for you - their purpose is to validate the dumper's decision, give THEM closure and make THEM feel better by spouting off carefully rehersed reasons for dumping you (which are usually bullsh*t). All the closure talk will do is delay your healing and give you another opportunity to embarrass yourself.

6.) Avoid mutual friends for at least a month. No, this isn't to play any sort of game. It's just to give you enough time to clear your head so that you won't whine to them and ask them to help fix the problem. They will act as go-betweens and make things even weirder and more stressful even if you ask them not to.

7.) NO CONTACT until you're healed...and maybe even longer.

8.) Do not respond to breadcrumbs. Yes, this is separate because it needs to be. Dumpers will reach out for any number of reasons: validating their decision, want to see if you're still on the hook, need to wean themselves off you, testing the waters, etc - responding will set you back. If you absolutely feel the need to respond (and you SHOULDN'T), keep it positive and to the point. Never prolong a conversation that shouldn't be happening in the first place.

9.) Do not agree to be friends. This is a line thrown out by dumpers to either lessen the blow of the breakup, or to keep you around because they don't want to lose you entirely. Well, "just friends" is still dumped...and they didn't care about losing us all that much when they threw us away, did they?

10.) Be respectful...at least in public. Your ex might be an assh*le, but keep it under wraps. Being graceful under pressure will help you progress far more quickly than retruamatizing yourself by holding on to bitterness, resentment, abandonment or pain.

 

 

Dumper:

 

Prelude: Before you breakup, be 95% sure you're done with the relationship. Do not breakup or threaten a breakup in the heat of the moment - think about it and be sure it's what you want. Don't be a yo-yo where you breakup, regret it, then leave again. If there are solvable problems, consider if you want to communicate and try before breaking it off - and no, just mentioning the problem a handful of times does not count because it doesn't express the gravity of the damage being done - dumping someone because YOU failed to be assertive is the mark of a selfish coward. Dumping someone because you KNOW (not just "feel" but KNOW) that this relationship is unfulfilling, toxic or filled with incompatibilities is an act of compassion and courage.

 

1.) Do not wait. If you're going to leave someone, leave them. Yes, you should be sure...but don't wait until you're "good and ready". Rip the bandaid off now - yes, it'll hurt you more than if you had distanced yourself beforehand, but think of your (soon to be former) significant other. The longer you take, the more they'll become attached and more it will hurt them...you loved them once, show some compassion.

2.) Give the real reason for the breakup, or give no reason at all.

3.) Don't give false hope and be wishy-washy. If you're done, be done. Don't leave the door open because you're trying to spare the dumpee's feelings - it will only hurt them more. If you're giving these off because you're "confused", then you're not ready to breakup and should be communicating with your partner and coming to a conclusion BEFORE you commit a hurtful and likely permanent act.

4.) Keep your sh*t together. Your ex may be a lovely person, or they may be the scum of the earth, but this is a decision YOU'RE making. It will be hard, but if you've committed to the breakup then show some strength. Tears are okay...breaking down is not. It only creates more confusion.

5.) Do not ask your ex to talk after the breakup. Understand that any post-breakup talks will be about you, not them. Don't hurt them further by trying to explain to them what you just couldn't articulate before. Let sleeping dogs lie.

6.) Don't talk to mutual friends about the breakup unless necessary. You don't have to avoid them because you're likely in a better place than the dumpee, but these friends will still act as a go-between. Don't put your friends in a position where they feel like they have to pick sides when the wounds are still raw. Respect them enough to keep them out of your relationship problems.

7.) Respect NO CONTACT. Your ex isn't contacting you because they need to heal, not because they're sulking or hiding from you. They need space too.

8.) Do not send breadcrumbs. Don't send meaningless messages just to see if they'll respond, or because you're lonely, horny or "just miss them". Don't send confusing messages about how you feel. If you want to talk to them, be upfront about your intentions.

9.) Do NOT offer or ask to be friends during or shortly after the breakup. We all know it never works. Yes, maybe you're trying to be kind and lessen the emotional blow of the breakup...but you're making it worse. Or maybe you just don't want to completely lose the dumpee? Guess what, you get to pick - be in a relationship, or lose them. You presented the ultimatium to yourself, so live with it.

10.) Be respectful AND graceful. Don't approach your ex in public unless you're sure they're comfortable with it. Don't pressure them to talk to you after you hurt them. Don't reserve the right to be angry when you too should be healing and moving on.

[Never Again]

Hehehe... if only...

 

Oh I'm trying to be hopeful and helpful :-P

 

If someone remembers even two things off this list, I'll consider myself lucky.

[Amelie1980]

There are no rules.

 

All's fair in love and war.

[Never Again]

I agree with everything you wrote. It's just a pity that 95% of breakups don't go this way. B*****ds!

 

If the dumpees kept the 'keep your mouth shut - no begging etc' advice in mind, I'd be thrilled. It takes a while to learn, but once you do, keeping one's trap shut when dumped is extremely empowering.

 

Hell, I'd love it if even 50% went this way.

 

I only learned the "zip yer lip" mantra after my most recent breakup. I didn't beg, but I did express what I thought the problems were and stated that I wanted to fix them. Logic is no better. All I did was get my ex and I to BOTH cry more.

 

Bad ju-ju.

[AnyaNova]

Just considering the one hundred and one ways that I broke all of these rules (at least for the Dumpee) I tend to stay and want to try to fix things even if I am unsatisfied, and hence I have never yet been a dumper, although I came close this last time (on more than one occasion).

 

Good post!

[Never Again]

Once learned, it is a valuable tool in moving on. Plus, it greatly increases the chances of them popping up again - not that I'm advocating it, it just seems to be, the more you 'fall off the face of the earth', the more they seems to reappear in a few months...

 

I mostly stuck to it during the actual breakup.

 

I totally ruined it when I agreed to meet up with her 4 days post-BU.

 

Again, no begging...but that one 4-hour talk delayed my healing by at least a month...while she felt better that we had an "understanding".

 

Hence my violent hatred of post-BU chats.

[Never Again]

I should probably edit the dumpee section to say "don't tell them how much you love them, they know and you'll just appear clingy and needy"...

 

...and the dumper section to read "don't try to console or compliment the dumpee. No matter how sincere you are, it'll come off as condescending or confusing. Tell them they're amazing and they'll ask themselves why they aren't amazing enough for you."