Sex too soon..?

November 21, 2013

I met this guy on facebook and he asked me out for drinks one night. Turns out we had a ton in common and had a really good time. So he asked me out for a second date (dinner and drinks) and we once again had a great time. I got a little tipsy and I was really into him so we ended up going back to my place and hooking up. Well long story short it started to become a FWB situation before I realized it, and at first I said I was okay with that because I have so much going on in my life, but soon I realized I wasn't. So I let him know that I didn't like the way things were so he asked me what I wanted so I told him that I was really into him and I wanted more than just sex. Basically, long story short, he told me he likes me, that I'm beautiful, intelligent, and we have really good conversations but he can't go back and look at me as dating material because I had sex with him so soon. Will someone please give me feedback on this??

November 21, 2013

He's a jerk. That standard is so antiquated. Say adios & move on.

November 21, 2013

Will someone please give me feedback on this??

My pleasure - he's a jerk.

November 21, 2013

Yup, I'll chime in too: he's a total jerk. I'm assuming in his mind it's fine for guys to have sex early on, but not women. The very fact he SAID this to you screams 'slut-shaming'. He knew it would make you feel like sh*t and as though it's your fault it won't go anywhere.

NEXT.

November 21, 2013

Agree with the above, he is a jerk. He just wants sex and that's probably all he wanted from the beginning. If that's not what you want don't waste your time, his excuse is lame and just a bunch of BS. Don't feel bad just cut him loose.

November 21, 2013

the same can be said about him. he slept with you on the first date but he thinks he's too good to have a relationship with you?

November 21, 2013

Thank you all for your responses! I just feel so terrible. This came up because he stopped seeing me to pursue an actual relationship with someone else. That ended up not working out for him and he came back to hook up with me. I know exactly what that sounds like, I was just the second option, but I went out with him anyway because I wanted to try to make my intentions clear. And word for word what he said was that this other girl was girlfriend material because they never had sex, but I slept with him on the first date so therefore he could not go back and date me. This also comes as such a shock to me because we used to talk about how open minded and liberal we both were.. but apparently not?

November 21, 2013

It's not about being "liberated" or "open-minded." He just wants to have sex, no-strings attached... and he's trying to shame you into going along with it.

He "can't see you as a girlfriend" because he's a d-bag... not because you had sex with him too early.

Go no contact and find someone worth dating.

November 21, 2013

And word for word what he said was that this other girl was girlfriend material because they never had sex, but I slept with him on the first date so therefore he could not go back and date me. This also comes as such a shock to me because we used to talk about how open minded and liberal we both were.. but apparently not?

Wait that's not the 1st date....it's the 2nd date right? Doesn't matter... the dude is a hypocrite. He says one thing, but does something else. He wants to bang a fun girl, but wants a relationship with a virgin. What an ass. There is really no restrictions to sleeping together early on as long as you are both adults and enjoy each other. It turns only to taboo when you are not on the same page as your partner. In this case, he lied to you about what kind of man he is.

November 21, 2013

Oh what an arsehole... He just wanted sex, that's all he ever wanted and when you said you wanted more he came up with that excuse. hes so totally Not worth your time.

November 21, 2013

Wait that's not the 1st date....it's the 2nd date right? Doesn't matter... the dude is a hypocrite. He says one thing, but does something else. He wants to bang a fun girl, but wants a relationship with a virgin. What an ass. There is really no restrictions to sleeping together early on as long as you are both adults and enjoy each other. It turns only to taboo when you are not on the same page as your partner. In this case, he lied to you about what kind of man he is.

It was the second time we went out. But I chose to pay for my own tab on the first one because I considered it to be more of a meeting thing since we met online. So he told me he considered our second date to be our "first" so he claims I slept with him on the first date. But it was our second time to go out together, plus plenty of phone conversations before I slept with him so I didn't think it would be such a big deal.

November 21, 2013

Agree with everyone else. I had sex.with my current bf about an hour into our third date. He didnt go anywhere.

November 21, 2013

So he is ruined as 'boyfriend' material for having sex that soon but you are ruined for 'girlfriend' material?

This person is not worth your time.

November 21, 2013

I slept with my GF on our 2nd date. I remember she was worried that I would think she's "easy", so she made sure I knew she felt enormous chemistry with me, and that this was really unusual for her. I believed her, and still do. She and I are very similar in that sense. We made passionate love that night, and became exclusive. I knew instantly that she was THE ONE for me.

So for OP's man to denounce her because of her behavior with him....that's complete BS!

November 22, 2013

Nothing else to add, everyone already said it all.

Just want to add my favorite word - muppet. And that's all.

Just thank your lucky stars you werent in a relationship with this guy and had deeper feelings than you had. It would have caused more damage. I speak from experience, with my own ex - the sociopath. If I had just had sex with him without being in a relationship, and then left I would have suffered less damage than I had.

November 22, 2013

Good thing you found out what a hypocrite he is right away so you don't waste time on him.

November 22, 2013

I slept with a guy the first time i went out with him. He didn't run either. In fact he is one of my fb friends and says he is still in love with me.

So yeah - Muppet on this guy.

November 22, 2013

It was the second time we went out. But I chose to pay for my own tab on the first one because I considered it to be more of a meeting thing since we met online. So he told me he considered our second date to be our "first" so he claims I slept with him on the first date. But it was our second time to go out together, plus plenty of phone conversations before I slept with him so I didn't think it would be such a big deal.

He sounds like an immature sexist pig! I'm sorry he said those double-standard things to you and I hope you are able to move on and find someone who will appreciate you, sex on first, second date, or not.

November 22, 2013

Thank you for all the opinions! To top things off, when I told him how surprised I was that he thought this way, his response was 'it should have been common sense, every guy thinks this way.' What a kick to the stomach that was..

November 22, 2013

I slept with a girl on the third date and it was the longest/deepest relationship I've ever had. We were together three years and she kept worrying that we slept together too soon (even though I was very much in love with her). I kept trying to explain that when we have sex makes no difference to me. It could have been 50 dates and I'd have been just as much in love with her.

Any guy who judges you for sleeping with him early is a total d-bag and hypocrite. Period.

Thats the truth. That's why woman need to stand their grounds.
because even if the world tells you sex out of marriage is coool and doing it
when ever true dates etc. The men still the same.
he will respect you less and not see you as marriage material if
you are easy.
Its in the men to chase you.if there no chasing needed
they will loose interest in you and see you not as special.

I think your advice is terrible (no offense). I respect your faith but telling a woman she shouldn't sleep with guys early because they are going to be hypocrites and judge her for the same thing they're doing is really a bad idea. Why would she want to be with any guy who has a different set of standards for her than he does for himself. This guy would have been a d-bag no matter how many dates it took. He might have pretended to be nice longer but the result would still be the same.

November 22, 2013

Thank you for all the opinions! To top things off, when I told him how surprised I was that he thought this way, his response was 'it should have been common sense, every guy thinks this way.' What a kick to the stomach that was..

Here's a secret I'm going to let you in on:

EVERY GUY DOES NOT THINK THIS WAY.

Here's how it works. There are a lot of jerks out there but there are a lot of decent people who happen to have a penis too. The jerks tend to louder and make themselves known. You hear about them more. On top of that, because women get tramatized by the jerks, many start to think that's how all men are because the jerks left a bigger impression (even though it was a bad one). As a result, you get women who think that all guys are jerks and scream it to the heavens. And how do the jerks feel about this? They love it! They love it because then they get to pretend that their actions are excused because they're dudes. They get to say, "we're all like that" or "don't hate the player, hate the game."

Don't buy the line that this d-bag is feeding you.

I'm a guy I don't play that way. I refuse to believe I'm that much of a rarity (at least as far as this is concerned). Maybe the real problem is that more decent guys need to speak up and make it clear that we're not the minority and we don't condone this kinda crap. I know I don't.

November 22, 2013

Here's the deal, I'll describe generally 3 different categories for men for the sake of this argument;

Jerks - these guys are the ones women chase after to gain validation and lock down the unattainable man, generally more options and generally doing the rejecting/dumping. Generally more openly selfish and self-centered, don't really care too much about anyone else save for a few people here and there, usually family/close-friends.

Typically better looking, better dressed/style/swagger, more confident, bold, less inhibited, less self-conscious because women enable their poor treatment by sticking around and dealing with it regardless of what they do.

If you sleep with this guy he probably isn't going to give all that much of a damn other than inflate his ego, doesn't respect you all that much in the first place but will feed you lies, future fake and swoon you in order to get what he wants. Your "he slept with me on the first date" is heard on deaf ears and will never impact his view of you regardless. Doesn't mean he won't have a relationship with you, just means he'll dump you when the time is right or a better option comes along. Bottom line is, he's probably not looking or thinking towards the future as immediately as you are anyway so it's not that important yet.

Jerks can portray the "nice guy" image, can be charming, sweet and charismatic as women often believe or take things at face value so they can create the perfect imagine or guy in the beginning, they could be extremely stupid and admit their true cause/intentions and still get what they want from insecure women while others maintain this wolf in sheep clothing demeanor letting you think "things just didn't work out" or some other natural thing that caused the demise, they'll never tell you the truth (as most men will not) though in it's entirety although it doesn't mean they won't make mistakes and their ego won't get the ego/arrogance won't get the best of them...ex: bad timing is a common sell and usually goes over well with women, incompatibility which is often disinterest or lack of motivation to invest effort.

A lot of times they say absolutely nothing and just fall off the face of the earth. If he's really smart he'll just make you believe anything he manipulates you to believe.

Nice guys - these are the guys who are open to relationships very quickly, the white knights trying to speak up and coddle women as they run in tears brokenhearted from their jerk ex-bfs.

If you sleep with this guy it doesn't really matter when, he'll be enamored and throw himself at you either way and can wait, because he's so captivated by you and wants to see you as this nice sweet innocent virgin Mary who just chose to be with him because hes special...is completely transparent, easy to read and plays no games...which many women find boring and they do not like but still might give him a "chance" especially when looking to date someone different.

He puts women on a pedestal, actually listens and believes all the emotional self-loathing from women thinking he can fix them and be there and what she wants/needs...he doesn't realize that a lot of what women say is just in the moment from feeling rejected and hurt from said jerk and she'll likely get over it very soon and be with another jerk hoping she can make him into a nice guy or into the perfect man.

This guy is more stable however, provides more of a nesting environment but doesn't provide a lot of "spark", he's ok...probably not the best physique, looks and has an array of insecure and annoying habits but otherwise is dependable and will help raise a family, he's secure and reliable.

This guy is generally unaware, aloof with women, sincere and pleasant, respectful and courteous to a fault, transparent to a fault and overly eager to...you guessed it, a fault. Doesn't really understand why women go for jerks when they say they want a guy like him, but he never feels like he even gets a chance.

Might be more of an intellectual, over-analytical, pragmatic, simple...less sexual energy and doesn't really understand why things don't work out for him based on his superficial stats, he might be very successful or not successful at all...likely more introverted however.

These men can act like "jerks" but in the sense of bitterness, over having fewer options and less control over their love-lives and romantic interest while they watch the douche-bags sweep them up like nothing.

Unidentified - the smallest minority of men who have a variety of qualities/attributes, dual conflicting qualities, independent qualities/thinkers, people who break the mold but don't necessarily fit into a mold...less identifiable, harder to pigeon hole...they may be desirable but for a different quality that stands apart from the rest of the them.

However this is not always a positive classification, since they may not be traditional/conforming or have their niches or quirk it may be difficult to gain a grasp on who they are as individuals, they may be driven by different passions which are unorthodox. Not necessarily nice, not necessarily a jerk, not necessary philandering, not necessarily conservative, may have a higher calling or goal or may just choose to separate them from society itself in many ways for whatever reason.

November 22, 2013

I slept with a guy on the first night we hung out and he's my boyfriend now.

It could go both ways. You can get lucky and meet a genuinely nice guy who just really feels that both ways towards you or you can just meet an immature guy who's not ready for a relationship but just wants pussy. Just go out, date, see what you get, and if you get a crappy date, you learn from that in your future dates by watching out for the bad traits in those kind of guys

November 22, 2013

I slept with a guy on the first night we hung out and he's my boyfriend now.

It could go both ways. You can get lucky and meet a genuinely nice guy who just really feels that both ways towards you or you can just meet an immature guy who's not ready for a relationship but just wants pussy. Just go out, date, see what you get, and if you get a crappy date, you learn from that in your future dates by watching out for the bad traits in those kind of guys

This is the problem with how women think;

A) they see it as a matter of "luck"

B) they actually believe they can recognize bad traits in one night

This could end tomorrow greenfairie and you would have learned nothing more or less, you'd simply be "confused"

November 22, 2013

Thank you for all the opinions! To top things off, when I told him how surprised I was that he thought this way, his response was 'it should have been common sense, every guy thinks this way.' What a kick to the stomach that was..

Wow, looks like the "he's a total jerk" opinion is pretty unanimous here. I'll offer a counterpoint.

Yes, it is from one perspective a double standard and kind of jerky. But the reality is, Mr. Jerky has a point. Most guys, when considering their potential life partner, don't want a woman who's slutty. Like most things in the human behavior world, there are deep evolutionary roots for this. There is a lot more at stake when a woman is slutty than when a man is. If you're a woman and your man cheats and gets another woman pregnant, it may suck on an emotional level, but you will probably not be raising that child and if your husband has substantial resources, you may not even notice an economic impact on your family. On the other hand, if you're a man and your wife cheats and gets pregnant, most likely you'll be raising and supporting another man's child for 18+ years. Even worse, you may never even know it's not your child. This is commonly known as "cuckolding":

Cuckold - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

My advice to Bindi33 and other women and is if you want to really ensure that you're going to be seen as potential girlfriend or even life partner material, hold off on the sex for a while (weeks, or even a couple of months.) It may work out okay, as some of the stories here demonstrate, but you're taking a big risk.

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Sex too soon..?

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