hernameisalice Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 I am in need of some advice from those of you who have some insight into a matter like this. My ex (dated 8 months, apart for almost 3 weeks) has had a difficult upbringing; his biological mother was abusive and he was taken from her, his stepmother was abusive and unsupportive. He has not had a relationship last more than 6 months before, has dabbled in cocaine use (“clean” the last 2.5 years) and has the tendency to drink his problems away when things get hard (downward slope the last month of the relationship). I love this man deeply but we had begun to argue and I had the suspicion that he was falling into bad habits with old friends. We broke up because he refused to speak to me and last weekend he saw me for the first time out with my friends and was insanely jealous. I got texts from him questioning how I had “moved on” and I was like all the others who had walked out on him. He then asked me to come over at 4am because his friends thought he was going to kill himself and all he wanted was to see me. Despite any emotional manipulation, I love him and I went. He was crying and extremely self-loathing. He admitted that he felt like his life was in a hard place and he was pretending he was okay with this breakup but he isn’t; that he loved and missed me and wanted to give us another shot. I was against rushing into this because his place was littered with alcohol and we undoubtedly have obstacles to overcome before we are in a relationship again. He then admitted to using cocaine since our breakup and I suspect he may have right before as well. It’s been a few days and I’ve just made sure he knows that I support him no matter what and that I am in his corner. He hasn’t addressed our conversation at all, other than he appreciates my support and said I mean a lot to him and he wants to overcome this. I don’t know where we stand and I’m not sure what my role should be at this point given we were planning a future together. I still want that future but I know he needs to face his demons first. Any guidance would be appreciated. Thank you.
Veronika2003 Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 I have the same experience with my ex boyfriend. Unfortunately as much as I loved him his behaviour proved to be manipulative and he called me like that at least 5 times being in horrible state, I spent hours and hours sitting with him in emergencies (drinking and blacking out, fighting, overdose, messages that he's going to kill himself etc) After all this he admitted that he just needed attention and he was sure that he was going to get mine. No matter what he did I was there. I left him. He realised that there was no one around to watch him like that and got better. Fixed his life a bit and have a decent job. This proved to be the only option how to help him. Good luck and all the best.
soccerrprp Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 Leave him and let him deal with his own demons. Don't play the knight in shining armour b/c it will inevitably mean a period of disappointment, pain and for many, a life-time of "getting over." He could keep clean and at his best WITH you, so let him deal with it w/o you. I have a very close friend who was in your position. It took a truly great guy to make her see that she was being dragged into an abyss. Now she's incredibly happy and grateful that it took good friends and a great, loving, attentive, clean guy to make her see that she was making a mistake and not worth wasting any more of her life to accepting what amounted to was not even second best.... Look for someone who makes you better, stronger, healthier.....
haggard969 Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 all i gotta say is you shouldnt break up with some one because of a bad habbit, especially if their young, if your under 25 then that is still the experimental stage of your life, if your leaving him because your afraid he will die or somthing, then help him get help, dont just walk away, who knows now that you left he might over dose n kill himself, be there for him. and hell quit for you;
Haydn Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 Hi Alice, I was in very similar relationship. I held everything together for a woman whose self loathing knew no bounds. I got so ill and tired and lost sight of myself. Every problem was a cry for attention. Making things up. I know yu love this man but there will come a time when you have to quit. You cannot hold his hand all the time. Someone needs to hold your hand as well. It took her to leave me to make me free and life is sweeter now. Look to yourself. Take care.
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