2 mos NC. Should I reach out or let go? Would I be desperaAfraid I'll miss something.

[IWantHonesty]

I'm reaching out to you to ask for you to help

 

Here's some background info. This guy is a guy I have known and worked with before. I was married at the time (I've been divorced almost 7 years) but it was strictly a professional relationship. Anyhow, we did exchange some stories about our lives, but did not cross any boundaries. He was also aware of how my divorce went down because it was apparent at work..such as me having to bring my son to work. So I felt him knowing this and remembering it...would be a reason that he would not mistreat me.

 

Anyhow, we started to reconnected last year. One piece of info that I did share with him when we reconnected because I was proud to accomplish it, was my celibacy. I was celibate for 5 years, going on 6. Of course he sounded impressed, saying it was commendable, etc. I never thought that maybe he would view that as a challenge. I was just sharing something (back then, very innocently) and now I know that was something he should've never known about.

 

So over the course of the year, (this is long distance by the way), we are texting and calling each other. Later on in the year, we started to FaceTime. Although at times his communication was inconsistent. In the beginning there were times I did not hear from him for like 3-5 days in a row. Then I'd have to reach out to him. He would say things like, "I know I haven't been doing well and I promise I will.." "I know I said I will do better and I will." I just thought it could've been his work schedule since he works two jobs and has joint custody of his kids. O_o He'd also say stuff like, "I know it seems like I'm being distant, but I don't mean to be." So at the time, I'm kind of giving him the benefit of the doubt. Not that I expected him to not be talking to anyone else, but I did expect him to be genuine.

 

He has shared with me things going on in his life, such as things his kids have been doing and what he has been up to. Then a little time passed and we started getting sweet with each other. You know and things like this started coming from him, "Whatever happens, I won't play with your heart and mind." "If I can't be there for you physically, I can be there for you emotionally and mentally." Just to name a few. Of course, I believed it. Well I started getting emotionally attached and booked a flight to go back to the state. I also have a spiritual family there, so he was not the only reason why I was going there. Things changed at work so I had to reschedule my flight. After I called him and told him, he did respond and told me that he got my message and would call me. The thing about when we did communicate though was that he almost always responded in a timely manner. Texts usually within 5 minutes and missed phone calls within hours (if missed) and a lot of times when I did call, he'd answer. If he did miss a call or didn't respond to a text for a long time, he would tell me why. We even had a convo where we'd try better in calling each other more frequently.

 

Well after I told him that I had to reschedule my flight because of work, and he said he'd call me the morning after, he actually didn't. I let it go. A week passed after not hearing from him and by that time I started feeling like crap. But then I would get a text message from him, letting me know he is thinking about me, then I'd text back but he did not respond. Almost 1 month passed where I didn't hear from him! And when I did, it was through a comment he made on my FB profile. It was then he wanted to talk...guess he knew he was in the wrong. At that time I told him that in my life, (I also hae 2 kids, ages 6 and 8...he has 3 kids who are teens, I'm 32 he is 41) In my life I am looking for something serious, beautiful and profound...looking to build something with someone, looking for something permanent and everlasting--not temporary. In sum, I wanted to be married. I thought that would send him away, but he did respond and told me he understands where I'm coming from and that we'd talk (he was working at the time). So I called to follow up and it seemed like always a bad time to talk. And I think I was also scared of what our conversation would entail. So we never actually got to talk about it. But at that time, it seemed like he was a little scared to lose me.

 

So we continue calling, texting, facetiming. And we did start taking it to a different level through those means of communication. So we finally see each other after a very long time. We meet. I stayed there for a little over 2 weeks but we only saw each other 2 times! This was in the summer and in the same time his 2 younger children were starting school. The mother of his kids also went out of town during the second week. But his kids are teenagers so I always wondered why they couldn't be left alone since they are able to take care of themselves. They don't have any physical or mental disabilities as far as I know of. I didn't seem him almost the entire first week I was there because it seemed like weeks prior to my trip, he started to back off. For what reason, I didn't know! But I remember that I called him to want to talk to him about something serious. This was me wanting to find out his intentions before I went there. So I would be prepared to accept whatever outcome would be in the event we would become intimate. Anyhow, I missed his phone call and did follow up by telling him my phone was on silent so that's why I missed his call. Didn't hear from him again. Then I would try and call a few times about 1 week before I arrived but he didn't respond..I even called him the day before I left and he didn't answer! So I'm thinking I don't know what happened. 5 days pass while I'm actually there in the same state and only 20 min away from him and so I finally call him to ask him what was up. I had been there 5 days and I wanted to know if he was still interested or what. Well he did respond and basically said when he tried to call me back that one time, and I didn't pick up, he started falling back. I'm like you're falling back over that little thing? My initial belief by the way was me wanting to wait until marriage but I started to fall for this guy. Such as becoming emotionally connected, but I wasn't in love with him.

 

But we finally see each other, but because of his schedule, the first meeting was at his house. I did not expect to get physical, but there was a lot of build up! No, we didn't get physical that night. Just lots of kissing and cuddling. I didn't get to see him again until like 6 days later, because his reason was his kids were with him and school just started and their Mom was still out of town. So the second meeting the sexual tension was over flowing and we got intimate. My first time being intimate with a man in more than 5 years. And I chose him. So after, I ask him when will we see each other again and he tells me the remaining weekend and I could just go straight to the airport from his house. Well I guess his schedule changed again because his kids were over BUT the thing I got upset about was that I was the one who had to reach out and get the information from him! He didn't reach out to tell me HIS schedule.

 

So I'm back home. We're still calling and texting and then I share with him the next time I will be there. He tells me he will call me to let me know of his schedule and that we will discuss it...and that I can call him. So he asked me to also call him. I did call, but only because I did not hear from him in 3 days and then it was going on the 5th day...so I call again, but this time not only asking about the schedule, but if it meant something important to him because if it did, I feel like he wouldn't have me wait so long. Around this time I started to worry. I also asked "where is this all going" because we were in this a year and I decided at that time (after he expressed he wanted to be intimate again) that I wasn't going to sleep with him again unless there was a commitment in place. But I didn't tell him that. I just asked "Where is this going?" and included if it wasn't going anywhere, it would be cool with me but I'd appreciate it if he would let me know. Just out of respect. Because back then we did mutually agree we would NOT play games and let each other know if something changes out of respect for one another and to not waste each other's time. Well I did expect a response because he always has in the past. But days go by and he doesn't. So I send him a couple of more texts in the span of almost 4 weeks (about 1-2 times a week) asking if silence was his answer and basically saying it wasn't cool to just leave me hanging like this. But I never called him names or used an ultimatum. Still no response...until the 6th week. :-/

 

In the 6th week after agonizing internally over it and crying a lot, I decided to finally send him one more text but this time telling him how much it hurt and that we both have daughters and I'm sure he wouldn't want them to be treated this way. I also said that I felt like his true character and colors came out because it was pretty cruel and cold hearted to not respond at all. And that I never imagined him to be a hit it and quit it person. I did not expect a response because he did not in the past month. But he did! He said that he is not cruel and that he just had some things going on with his daughter and in his life. And also that he didn't like the way I was coming at him with the messages and that I was like demanding him to do this and that. But I didn't see it as demanding--just ASKING where is this going and I'd appreciate it if he'd let me know. Then he keeps bringing up the discussion of his work schedule, that he said he'd call me, but I didn't let him. But he asked me to call him about it, too! And he never did address the "Where is this going" question at anytime. I told him that it;s his ACTIONS that gave me the impression. The last thing he says is "Sorry you feel that way about me, but I won't be labeled a hit it and quit it..." He also said, "I don't play with people's feelings." Then what is that all about? :-/

 

So now here I am. Having gone through No Contact for over 2 months. He also has not contacted me during this time. I'm going back to visit next month and it would be nice to see him again. But one would think that if I meant something to him that he would've tried to fix it and reach out. But I'm wondering is he waiting for me to do it? Or wanted me to? Sometimes I question the honesty of it all. I'm thinking would it make me look desperate? Should I contact him? If I do, I just wanted to send a short message saying I'm to be in town and it would be nice to see him. But how do you do that after months of no contact?

 

I've made the decision to become celibate until marriage. And I plan to stick to that. But I would tell him this prior to seeing him again.

 

Should I give it a try to contact him? Part of me is saying keep your dignity and another part is telling me how will he know you still want him if you don't let him know somehow?

 

I felt like I was played, but some people are telling me from his perspective, he did not play me because he never SAID he wanted to be exclusive. But then what was he talking about all year? :-/

 

I was doing so well in the last 2 months but now have started to get a little emotional again. What do you think? I'm really looking forward to your advice on this.

[Winherback]

Sounds like your self worth is not where it needs to be. He has been socially inept with you, and you have been giving him chance after chance to give things an opportunity to grow naturally and that is not happening. The only way for that to ever happen is if he came to you FIRST and stated he wants the same things you do, which is to explore dating exclusively.

 

My suggestion is to not beat yourself up on what YOU think you have done wrong, moreso on HIS actions that have put you in an unhealthy spot. You havent done anything wrong really, you are just being you. Unfortunately your insecurities are amplifying the situation. He has his own issues and thats not your problem, which becomes worse because of where you are it only plays into your weaknesses. You need to be confident and healthy again, and thats by taking all of this focus off of him, and put it into your happiness and someone who is better suited to the way you operate.

Edited November 21, 2013 by Winherback

[heartshaped]

He's just not that into you.

 

If he was, you wouldn't have to chase him down for contact. Somewhere along the way he lost interest, please let it go and move on.

[Phantom888]

Sorry to hear. The fact that he is so far away allows him to really shut you out whenever he wants to. He can erase all traces of you because you are not there to remind him that you two had a history. He is apparently doing what he is doing, without you, and he is okay with it.

 

Sorry you had a connection with someone who isn't really in it for the relationship. I mean, he sounds like he has his hands full with schedule and kids. He's not ready to date, but he's too selfish to disclose that. He wanted intimacy, and he got it from you. Now he is moving on.

 

Please don't contact him, as there is really nothing positive that can come out of it. You are still young, and I'm sure you'll find plenty of opportunities closer by.