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Should I keep the baby?

HollyGolightlly

By HollyGolightlly
in The Other Man / Woman

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HollyGolightlly Member

HollyGolightlly

Posted
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I live in the USA.

 

I'm going to straight up honest...I have written him and his wife emails about how I'm going to have an abortion. I've written them...and I haven't been able to send them. I just stare at the screen then I start to panic...

 

I think deep down inside I want to have this baby. And the decision has nothing at ALL to do with the MM.

 

But I just can't stick to a decision. I can't. I literally change from one moment to the next. :sick:

 

I had thought, well, I'll go through with it and during the 9 months just focus 100% on furthering my career, I was promised a raise in three months and if I work hard and learn more I'll become a more valuable person. I do marketing and my skills cannot be taught they are gained through experience,networks, and resources. Then I think about the baby and how I can't wait to buy clothes, swings, bouncers, picking out the name, etc.

 

Then I jump from that to being selfish and thinking about traveling and drinking, going out, etc. and the stuff I'd lose from having the baby.

 

Oh my gosh...what is going to become of me!

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HollyGolightlly Member

HollyGolightlly

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This was my Email that's sitting in my drafts:

 

Dear, *** & ***** (both of their names)

 

There is no reason to meet in person again. I'm saddened to say that I've decided to end my pregnancy.

 

If possible, please continue to communicate with me through a third party to arrange everything I need to do so and please, I beg you both, refrain from ever contacting me again for the rest of my life (from this moment forward) and I promise without a doubt to do the same.

 

I'm sorry for all of the hurt and destruction. It was like running forward in a fantasy world we created in our minds and with each step we set off ticking landmines.

 

I wish you two the best, and I'm glad this is finally going to be over.

 

__________

 

I can't get myself to send this.

ThatsJustHowIRoll Established Member

ThatsJustHowIRoll

Posted
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Holly, how old are your other 2 kids. Wyat are the custody arrangements?

Snipercatt Established Member

Snipercatt

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It was like running forward in a fantasy world we created in our minds and with each step we set off ticking landmines.

 

 

 

I'd recommend to leave that out. As true as it may be it isn't germane to the abortion, really, and seems to excuse your behavior.

  • Like 2
lilmisscantbewrong Established Member

lilmisscantbewrong

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I wouldn't send an email at all - especially before you have really made a decision and it sounds like you are waffling.

 

Get some counseling so you can figure out how to proceed from here.

 

I am not anti-abortion, but I know for myself I would not choose that. If you feel like you can't keep the child, maybe adoption? You have been a surrogate before so I am certain you know how there are other couples out there that would love to adopt a baby?

 

I am so sorry you are going through this.

  • Like 3
BrokenPrincess Established Member

BrokenPrincess

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If you decide on abortion , I would not send that email and I would not involve whatever poor third party has been pulled into this. If you need him to pay for it, them I would just ask him directly for whatever the amount is and leave it at that.

 

And don't apologize to him or include any inkling of your feelings. He was a willing participant and you don't need to make yourself more vulnerable.

 

(((Hugs)))

  • Like 1
dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

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You can either buy in to become a supporting member or wait until you reach 100 posts and been here a month, then you get pm access.

 

My suggestion for you (while it's great you've reached out on here asking for help) is to seek counseling. This is a huge decision for you to make and only you can decide what is best for you and what you can/can't handle. Weigh the pros and cons, but let a therapist help guide you, as well as your gut instinct.

 

I thought it was 50 posts.

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HollyGolightlly Member

HollyGolightlly

Posted
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I'd recommend to leave that out. As true as it may be it isn't germane to the abortion, really, and seems to excuse your behavior.

 

 

I'd send it just as it is, because that's how I feel.

 

I still am not sure what I'm going to do.

anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
Posted
I'd send it just as it is, because that's how I feel.

 

I still am not sure what I'm going to do.

 

It might be how you feel but you need to distance yourself emotionally from the MM and by saying that, you are showing vulnerability. Plus think of his wife - this will already be hard enough for her so she does not need to be reminded of the connection you and he shared. Just as this is a nightmare for you, it is a nightmare for her too.

  • Like 1
Janesays Established Member

Janesays

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Yikes, what a mess.

 

I really dont know what you should do, but I do know this: no child deserves to suffer the consequences of this mess.

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janedoe67 Established Member

janedoe67

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I don't know how to PM you..I don't use this forum often. can you tell me how?

 

I think you have to have a certain number of posts.

 

I have never had a child as a result of an A....but I AM a child as a result of an A. If you want to know more, I can tell you privately, but on a forum I feel...exposed.

pteromom Established Member

pteromom

Posted
Posted
I think deep down inside I want to have this baby. And the decision has nothing at ALL to do with the MM.

 

But I just can't stick to a decision. I can't. I literally change from one moment to the next. :sick:

 

Then I jump from that to being selfish and thinking about traveling and drinking, going out, etc. and the stuff I'd lose from having the baby.

 

Oh my gosh...what is going to become of me!

 

Imagine your life both ways.

 

Imagine having the baby. Your current kids loving and cuddling him/her. Reading him/her stories. Watching him/her grow up. Having three kids at Christmas and on vacations. See your life as it would be.

 

Then imagine not having it. Imagine your life being able to drink and travel. The adventures you'll go on. Getting your raise and promotion and moving up at your job.

 

Which scenario makes you happier?

 

If you don't know, take a coin. Heads baby; tails no baby. Flip it. If it doesn't land on what your heart truly wants, you'll feel an automatic disappointment. Then you'll have your answer.

  • Like 4
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HollyGolightlly Member

HollyGolightlly

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I'm keeping the baby.

  • Like 11
dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

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I'm keeping the baby.

 

Congratulations!

bentleychic Established Member

bentleychic

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Congrats and best wishes!

threelaurels Established Member

threelaurels

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I'm keeping the baby.

 

Congrats! I'm happy for you.

 

I know you're an old pro at this, having had two kids of your own and done a surrogacy, but remember to meet with your doctor as soon as possible for a check up and to start your prenatal vitamins. Gotta make sure the baby is healthy!

 

Also, in the next few months, you should consider meeting with an attorney to figure out what you want to do with regard to child support from MM. It may not be a lot, but having a few extra bucks for diapers, clothes, toys, etc. may make a big difference, especially considering how quickly babies outgrow things. If MM is unwilling to pay, you may be able to get his wages garnished, but the courts typically will only do that as a last resort after it becomes clear he won't pay on his own.

 

An attorney will also be able to help you out with regard to your job, since you said your boss may not take the news of your pregnancy well. You should figure out what your rights are regarding maternity leave and the types of reasonable accommodations the job is supposed to provide you during the pregnancy.

 

Have you told MM your plans yet?

  • Like 3
violet1 Established Member

violet1

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I'm keeping the baby.

 

Congrats hun! I wish you the best! I know it will be hard and scary, but you can do this. I'm a strong believer in, if there's a will there's a way.

  • Like 1
ClemsonTigers Established Member

ClemsonTigers

Posted
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Then I jump from that to being selfish and thinking about traveling and drinking, going out, etc. and the stuff I'd lose from having the baby.

 

 

 

There are 1,000's of couples out there just praying to adopt a beautiful infant. In 9 or so months you can resume your life of partying and traveling with barely a hiccup and give the most wonderful gift to a childless couple.

 

You must presume that MM will have nothing to do with this child ever. It is also possible you won't collect a dime from him for support. I actually think seeking support is risky for you and the child because he's more likely to want some visitation (a return on his $ investment) and this will expose your child to the MM's betrayed wife and any kids they have. They will harbor resentments against your defenseless child that can be perpetrated in many ways…many silent. Worst case…you'll continue partying and carousing with married men and he'll actually seek full custody of your child.

 

IMO, Adoption is the best alternative in these type illegitimate children situations.

myname Established Member

myname

Posted
Posted
There are 1,000's of couples out there just praying to adopt a beautiful infant. In 9 or so months you can resume your life of partying and traveling with barely a hiccup and give the most wonderful gift to a childless couple.

 

You must presume that MM will have nothing to do with this child ever. It is also possible you won't collect a dime from him for support. I actually think seeking support is risky for you and the child because he's more likely to want some visitation (a return on his $ investment) and this will expose your child to the MM's betrayed wife and any kids they have. They will harbor resentments against your defenseless child that can be perpetrated in many ways…many silent. Worst case…you'll continue partying and carousing with married men and he'll actually seek full custody of your child.

 

IMO, Adoption is the best alternative in these type illegitimate children situations.

 

She's already decided to keep the child.

 

No need to call the child illegitimate or raise lots of fears, adoption can be a painful process for everyone too.

 

OP good luck, glad you've come to your own decision and the most important thing is you are happy with that.

lilmisscantbewrong Established Member

lilmisscantbewrong

Posted
Posted

I think it's great you are keeping the baby. But I believe mm needs to know and you absolutely should seek child support. He fathered this child, it is his responsibility too. And so what if he seeks visitation? A child should know their birth parents and have the option of having a relationship with them.

 

Good luck.

  • Like 1
CanJanus Member

CanJanus

Posted
Posted (edited)

If you put the kid up for adoption, it will have a chance at a stable happy life.

 

Personally, I would have the abortion. You already have two children. The damage this kid will do to your existing children, the MM's children, and for what?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Baby123 Established Member

Baby123

Posted
Posted

You have the power to make that childs life amazing...

 

One good parent is better then two bad ones.

 

Only you know the connection you feel for that baby, and it must be magical! A welcome addition to your existing family...

 

Good luck!

  • Like 2
Speakingofwhich Established Member

Speakingofwhich

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Posted

Wonderful, Holly! I reared my children as a single mom with no help from their dad or anyone else, for that matter. He left us with nothing and we lived at poverty level for five years as my career developed. Because of God's grace in opening doors I walked through I was able to put them in private schools eventually and they grew into solid citizens with good educations (post graduate degrees) and very good lives.

 

We had some tough times but I think they were an advantage to my children as they learned how to cope with and overcome adversity. We had some great times, too! Fun times and funny times we all laugh about when we're together now.

 

Yes, I would rather they had had a dad in their home but God took great care of us and we had all we needed and more!

 

You can do this! And that precious baby can have a very good life with you!

  • Like 2
Got it Established Member

Got it

Posted
Posted
Congrats! I'm happy for you.

 

I know you're an old pro at this, having had two kids of your own and done a surrogacy, but remember to meet with your doctor as soon as possible for a check up and to start your prenatal vitamins. Gotta make sure the baby is healthy!

 

Also, in the next few months, you should consider meeting with an attorney to figure out what you want to do with regard to child support from MM. It may not be a lot, but having a few extra bucks for diapers, clothes, toys, etc. may make a big difference, especially considering how quickly babies outgrow things. If MM is unwilling to pay, you may be able to get his wages garnished, but the courts typically will only do that as a last resort after it becomes clear he won't pay on his own.

 

An attorney will also be able to help you out with regard to your job, since you said your boss may not take the news of your pregnancy well. You should figure out what your rights are regarding maternity leave and the types of reasonable accommodations the job is supposed to provide you during the pregnancy.

 

Have you told MM your plans yet?

 

I wanted to post about this. You have rights under FMLA and ADA that your employer must abide by. For FMLA, there are hours worked requirements but if you are a full time employee that is not new to the company you would qualify. While time off may not be paid, that is going to depend on maternity leave policy, PTO/Vacation, etc. your position would be protected. Pregnancy is also seen as a short term disability so if you STD insurance you can get paid that way as well as accommodations tied to ADA. If you fear your manager will be less than correct in this manner, speak with your HR department.

janedoe67 Established Member

janedoe67

Posted
Posted
I wanted to post about this. You have rights under FMLA and ADA that your employer must abide by. For FMLA, there are hours worked requirements but if you are a full time employee that is not new to the company you would qualify. While time off may not be paid, that is going to depend on maternity leave policy, PTO/Vacation, etc. your position would be protected. Pregnancy is also seen as a short term disability so if you STD insurance you can get paid that way as well as accommodations tied to ADA. If you fear your manager will be less than correct in this manner, speak with your HR department.

 

This is very wise advice. I am so glad you are giving this child life.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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