Should I keep the baby?

November 21, 2013

For those who have read my other thread- I am pregnant with my MM's baby. He, of course, ran and begged his wife for forgiveness and she's the happy dictator of the house. She ordered NO contact with me and he was texting me through friends to tell me to get an abortion.

I stood strong and refused to speak to them, or through Email and he said he convinced her that meeting me was the right thing to do.

So we met, and we spent 1.5 hours talking about love and what happened and how his current kids are more important than the one I have in my stomach since it's only 4 weeks old, etc. Also, that she is the ruler of his life now and has to be her bitch pretty much. He said he will be willing to talk to me now, though. He said he still loves me, and all that mess. He said that even if we were together he'd tell me to have the abortion.

I've never been so conflicted in my entire life, I have NO idea what to do. I never,ever thought I'd be pregnant again. I'm totally blindsided. Part of me wonders if this is my karama.

I'm no longer concerned with the MM, I see his face and I know how unhappy he was and how she looks and acts and if he was unhappy before I just have a sense of pity for him..much more pity than any romantic feelings now that I've seen that he left me pregnant.

Anyways, I'm torn. I keep going back and forward between all three options- Adoption, Abortion, and keeping it. Every one of them has their good and bad. I just started my career with my new job a few months ago and people are telling me i'm ruining my life. But, I think about God and how I've been so far from him by doing my dirty deeds that maybe this is just supposed to save me into being a better person.

What I'm wanting to ask you guys- Would you keep the baby? Knowing that you'll be alone, the possibilities of the wife trying to make life a living hell. I have absolutely no criminal record, I'm educated, and I have a good job so I can't imagine them doing this but I've wondered if they would try to take my baby from me? (This only being because he makes much, much more money than I do, he's an engineer)

Sigh, but I think about how I'd be okay with the child support I'd be getting. Part of me wants to ask him if having the baby with financial support but NO contact from him would be an option?

Selfish...but I thought about it.

Anyways, i'm done ranting. I really have no idea what to do and the days are counting down and it's getting more, and more serious.

November 21, 2013

It doesn't matter what anyone else says. What do you want to do?

If you want this baby, then keep it. If you don't want this baby, then choose another option. This is about you and the baby, not anyone else.

November 21, 2013

I doubt they'll EVER try to take the baby considering he doesn't want it to exist and she never wanted an OW playing the Reproduction Game with her husband.

Yes, you'll end up with child support.

Have you met her by the way?

November 21, 2013

It's got to be what you want & what works for you. No one else's opinion matters. All of the choices are equally valid.

If you chose not to raise this child, please consider adoption. My husband & I have inquired about adopting. I was shocked that the number of children available for adoption is so low, especially for infants. Although you didn't plan on being a surrogate, since there is a life growing, you may be able to give 3 people: the baby & the adoptive mother & father the greatest gift ever.

November 21, 2013

For those who have read my other thread- I am pregnant with my MM's baby. He, of course, ran and begged his wife for forgiveness and she's the happy dictator of the house. She ordered NO contact with me and he was texting me through friends to tell me to get an abortion.

If he contacted me through friends to tell me that I would want nothing more to do with him again. What a scumbag.

This is a personal decision what to do only you can decide whether you want your baby or not.

I would have my baby and nothing more to do with him easier said than done I know, but that's what I'd do.

Do you have good family support?

November 21, 2013

You're in quite a difficult position, but I've never heard of someone being able to take away someone else's child in the way you're describing. If you're not some addict, mentally ill, homeless etc. I cannot fathom how his wife or he could have your child taken from you. I don't think this is a possibility, so don't worry about that.

I second that this is 100% YOUR decision.It is your body and essentially the bulk if not all responsibility will fall on you, whatever decision you make. He has made it clear where he stands and frankly I think the whole his wife is a dictator thing is simply him blaming her and not taking responsibility. It makes a MM seem less douchey when he makes it out to be like his wife is in fact running his life instead of he's also choosing and not choosing as he sees fit smh. This woman isn't controlling his life....so don't buy that.

In any case this is an important decision you need to make for yourself while imagining MM not being part of it. Frankly, he chose his path IMO and if a man told me this if I chose to have the baby I would ask him to sign his rights away to the child. Does his wife know about your pregnancy?

Have you told your friends/family about this?

November 21, 2013

Yes, I would, but would do so whether MM was in my life or not. Ultimately it is your choice, though.

November 21, 2013

Do you have proof that his wife knows you're pregnant? If he convinces you to have an abortion, he doesn't have to tell her. He'll do exactly what he's doing--tell you what you want to hear in order to persuade you to abort.

As far as your decision goes, this is the kind of thing you need to talk to a therapist about, not a message board. You need to think about both your future and the kind of life the child would have. Unless MM and his W request visitation or partial custody, you will be raising the child alone as a single mother.

November 21, 2013

Asking for child support is NOT selfish. He helped create this baby and he has a responsibility to help care for it.

However - if he is willing to sign his rights away, you may be able to completely detach from him and not have to deal with him at all. There's pros and cons to that, of course.

I would not have an abortion. If you don't wish to parent this baby, consider adoption. This could end up a very happy ending for your baby and another family who cannot have a baby.

November 21, 2013

You know your options. Having said that. My bio sperms doner wanted me aborted. His wife wouldn't do it. I ended up being adopted by the best parents Ever. A mom And dad who prayed for a little girl. Looking back now, I'm SO thankful for the strong loving role models of both my parents!

God Knew I would need Both mom & dad to guide me along this bumpy road of life.

That's me & my stitch*

November 21, 2013

This is your decision, do what is right for you. Just, please don't decide to keep/raise the baby banking on him coming around eventually. He most likely won't. And there is a good chance that if you do file for child support you won't get it. My mom went after my dad with everything she could, child support was ordered, etc, and he vanished rather than pay it. Lots of excuses, his family wouldn't help either, etc etc. The courts really weren't terribly interested in trying to squeeze it out of him, either. When my cousin divorced her x immediately quit his job so his payments would be as low as possible.. Getting money out of someone who doesn't want to give it is a very very hard thing to do.

This guy dropped you like a hot rock and wasnt even man enough to tell you to get an abortion himself. Don't have any false hopes that he will contribute anything whatsoever.

November 21, 2013

And I agree its ridiculous calling his wife a dictator, controlling, etc. You/he are trying to blame her for him not wanting to man up and be responsible for his own decisions.

She said: I'll take you back IF you do X,

and he thought about it, and thought: Doing X is worth it if I can get back together with my wife.

If he wanted to, he could divorce and figure things out from there. He wants to follow his wife's rules because he wants to stay. He's not a pet dog. He's a man with free will and this is what he chose for himself.

edit I am also an OW not a BS taking it out on you I just don't like hearing about scummy MM

November 21, 2013

If you feel like you want to have the baby but that you aren't in a position to raise him/her, adoption is a choice that can make a lot of sense.

I was adopted myself, and have had a really good life. If I had been arise by my biological parents, i don't think it would have been nearly as good as it has been.

November 21, 2013

From reading your last thread, you stated you were a surrogate and that you were labeled as infertile. It's likely that this might be the last time you'll be pregnant. If I were you, I'd either keep it or put the baby up for adoption. However, it's your decision and you ultimately have to live with whatever choice you make. Just don't let him influence your decision. It's your body, your life and if you do keep it, he probably won't be active father in the baby's life. You need to do what's right for you. Best wishes!

November 21, 2013

but I've never heard of someone being able to take away someone else's child in the way you're describing.

It may be rare enough that you haven't heard about it, but it happens, including when the biological mother is responsible, and self-supporting.

Holly, don't worry about the extreme cases out there that hardly ever happen. Focus on you. Focus on your baby and make the right decision for you and your baby.

November 21, 2013

Please remember his intentions. When he's saying he loves you he's most probably manipulating you in to doing what he wants- which is make his life easy by aborting.

Please don't let him get to you- it's your body- your choice

November 21, 2013

Thanks everyone-

To answer some of the questions:

No, I don't know what I want to do. There are so many goods and bad's. I already have two daughters from my first relationship ever in my life ( from 16-21 ). I never married their dad and we share custody.

After I left their dad, I was very young and has just left a very strict church (Men had multiple wives, no birth control allowed, etc ) So, I became a surrogate mother and had the twins last may in exchange for tuition for college. I got my education but even more so I was able to do 6 internships with the money which led to where I am now.

My life has literally spun out of control. I've never even smoked weed i my life but I almost feel like a drug addict has a better handle on life than what I've done.

Although it may be ratty, besides my knowledge in marketing the only thing that keeps me majorly afloat is my looks.

I am NOT planning on MM being around in the picture and I would be honest here- but frankly that thought does NOT hurt me at all.

If I have the baby I face- losing my job (my boss is a billionaire and doesn't give a ****-type of person and he would deem me worthless, I feel) I face having to deal with MM for the rest of my life and all of the painful feelings. If he decided to be in the childs life I'd have to see him and his wife would have to share my child with me (I can't just deny a child the right to know their father ) To be honest- if I kept the baby him STAYING in the picture would be worse for me. I also face being alone forever- I feel like no man would ever, ever marry someone who has three kids with two fathers and was a surrogate mother. How am I ever going to find a good man? I'd like to get married, too I know that's selfish but my God, what do I do?

The good side of it would be that one poster is probably right- that this will be my last chance to have a baby since the conception is pretty much a miracle based on my reproduction issues. I'd get to be able to be a mother all over again and be pregnant again (Which, I can't lie, I'm enjoying even now) I have all the patience in the world and I've had my wild days.

Abortion would make me question if I had sinned terribly and I'd be punished for the rest of my life. But, right now abortion honestly seems like my closest choice. But, in Texas they make you have an utlrasound to see the beating heart and wait 24 hours. Knowing me...I'd run.

I don't want to give my baby up for adoption, at THIS point I'd probably be all for it, but being that this is my last baby I wouldn't want to ruin the life of a family who thought they were getting a child and then I flake out last minute after spending time with the baby. I'd only be open for an open adoption, too. It's not an option that I've thrown out yet...just don't know.

I'm sure it wouldn't be hard finding a family who would want the child of an engineer who graduated from Duke and a attractive marketing professional.

**** **** ****...I keep choosing one decision, then I literally change my mind. I think that i'll be in limbo until it's too late to decide anything else and I'll keep it...

Thank you so much for listening to me. I do have a lot of friends but none of them have been the OW. They also are mixed. My sister says abortion, my dad says do what I feel is best...and actually, that's everyone's advice..Do what I feel. Problem is, is that I don't know what I feel.

November 21, 2013

If you are worried about your boss thinking less of you, you can always say your surrogacy for a relative or something like that. You've already done it once. It's not far fetched.

November 21, 2013

If you are worried about your boss thinking less of you, you can always say your surrogacy for a relative or something like that. You've already done it once. It's not far fetched.

That's true and a good idea...but I'd be lying and the twist in that , is that I met my boss through the parents I had the twins for. I doubt he'd ask them, but he might ask about who the new parents are and if he found out I was lying he'd FOR SURE fire me..

November 21, 2013

Oh Holly!

Firstly this is your decision. 100%. Weigh up the odds this may be your last chance of having a baby after all. Do what you have to.

My ex forced me to have an abortion, this was because he was planning on getting back with an ex who he already had 2 children with. He told me he wasn't ready, manipulated me, twisted me around and used my own personal fears to get me to do something, I didn't want to do at the time. It all came out that he'd only done it because he had been leading 2 lives. He even moved her in to the house I helped him purchase whilst asking me to marry him, this was all a ploy to ensure I didn't keep the baby, but make me feel secure and keep her in the dark. I regret my decision, not because it was the wrong one, after months of therapy I have came to see why it was best for the baby and myself, but because I let him make my decision for me. I gave up something I wasn't sure if I wanted to give up just so he could have an easier life. The other girl found out about it all, spoke to me and actually called me an idiot for being so stupid to allow him to manipulate and then took both his children away from him. It turned out very bitter and now I am trying to rebuild from the ashes. Don't make the same mistakes I did. The regret is unbearable some days and to top it all off, I had some problems with my menstral cycle and the doctors have confirmed I am now infertile due to complications with the abortion. I will never be able to have a child, because I let someone else influence my decision.

November 21, 2013

Personally, I'd keep the baby and work out child support with an attorney to be paid through the court system.

Second choice would be to put the child up for adoption.

Do you think your boss would come right out and ask about the circumstances of your pregnancy?

If he asks a rude question, you could smile sweetly and say something like, "So thankful to be a part of bringing another precious child into this world! It's such an honor! (or privilege)"

You don't have to answer a rude question or provide him with any information about the circumstances of conception. For all he knows, you wanted another child and got a sperm donor. That would be your choice, you know.

You are with child! What an incredible opportunity! I'm envious, though I have two of my own I wish I'd had more.

What a beautiful blessing you've been given! Enjoy every minute of your pregnancy and of the life of this awesome person who will enter the world because God chose to bless you with him/her!

Yes, God bless you, dear Holly!

November 21, 2013

Thank you for the answers

I'm going to give myself some time...

November 21, 2013

Firstly, the answer to your question will not be found on an anonymous forum.

Secondly, I take issue with the comment that you would have NO contact with MM. Whilst this may be best for you and best for him, I feel you are not thinking about the effect on the potential child. A child born from infidelity will carry a stigma. Its sad.

So, now for the bit where I become unpopular. Abortion isn't the end of the world. Sometimes it can be the best option in an all round $hitty situation. I have had one. When in my 30s. And married. Happily. But it was the best decision for both the potential baby, and our family. Yeah its not popular, and no, no one in my family knows except my husband. We made the decision together. It was fairly simple procedure (I chose the medical abortion of the surgical) and I have not regretted it and never will. I made the right decision at the time with the information that I had. Part of my reason is that I ALSO had just started a new job 6 weeks earlier, and not having that baby led to

a major promotion and career advancement 12 months down the track.

But even with all the right conditions to have that baby (money, job, supportive husband) and still choosing an abortion, I cannot begin to imagine tying myself to someone for LIFE who didnt want to be a part of my life or my child's. Who has a wife and family and has already said they will not be supportive. Who explicitly got around NC to tell you to abort. They will know they are unwanted. They will know they are' not as important' as his other children. And you wont get a say as to whether your child needs to have that father figure in their life. They either will or wont. You cant control it

Look, at the end of the day, I think you've already decided what you want to do anyways. Im just stating the other angle to give a bit of perspective I suppose. Im pro-choice - not pro-abortion (yes there is a big difference) but I also like to believe I am an advocate for the child.

And FYI - my mother was pressured to abort me too once, but she didnt, and so here I am. I still feel the way I do.

If I were in your sitch would I keep the baby? Clearly I wouldnt. But quite often this decision becomes emotional and not very rational, so in the end its up to you. I dare say you're in that 'head is telling me one way, heart is telling me the other' space. But given how well MM looked after that heart, do you really trust it.

Just my $0.02

November 21, 2013

I don't want to give my baby up for adoption, at THIS point I'd probably be all for it, but being that this is my last baby I wouldn't want to ruin the life of a family who thought they were getting a child and then I flake out last minute after spending time with the baby. I'd only be open for an open adoption, too. It's not an option that I've thrown out yet...just don't know.

It sounds to me like you really do want this baby, if you are already thinking you'd flake out on the adoption.

Don't make the decision based on what your boss would think or MM would think/do.

Make it based on what YOU want in your life.

And yes, you can still find a husband if you had another baby. People do it all the time.

November 21, 2013

But, I think about God and how I've been so far from him by doing my dirty deeds that maybe this is just supposed to save me into being a better person.

It's not the job of babies to save their parents. To the extent that this is part of your reasoning, to me this is a terrible reason to have a child.

When you think about having a child, it's best (for the child) when you are thinking about what you can offer the child, not vice versa.

I had some problems with my menstral cycle and the doctors have confirmed I am now infertile due to complications with the abortion.

That's very unusual. Did you have a severe infection?

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