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My inability to cope and the wisdom of my 21 year old sister - a 2 part thread


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Posted (edited)

Part 1: Coping

 

I've actually come a long way with coping from my breakup, but it's taken a long time and I still get hit by waves of emotion even 5 months later.

 

However, I've been coming to terms with some of the real reasons for the breakup - especially those that were my fault.

 

As much as I've waxed philosophically about the "spark" in relationships, speculated about the immaturity of my ex and pinned things on her traumatic relationship history...a good deal of blame lies on my shoulders.

 

Sharing here has done be a world of good so far, so time to come completely clean:

 

I was suffering from PTSD. A previous girlfriend had killed herself with the intent of "scarring" me...and it worked. 6 months later...while in the midst of my new relationship, I was hit with sudden guilt and trauma.

 

I began reliving this crazy girl's death. I blamed myself, and became scared of my girlfriend. I became emotionally numb at times, couldn't sleep, and just wasn't fun to be around.

 

I tried to hide from her. I didn't want her seeing me like this. My inaction killed the passion in our relationship. I lost her because I couldn't keep my sh*t together.

 

I also share this story for anyone who's trying to cope now - no matter what the source of your pain (breakup or otherwise), seek out the help you need and focus on your happiness. Loss begets loss. If you let grief and sadness affect you, you will drive away those closest to you. You cannot rely on anyone but yourself to direct your towards happiness - others will either ignore your pain, misinterpret it, or avoid it.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Posted

Part 2: Wisdom from a 21 year old

 

Recently, I had a lengthy conversation with my 21 year old sister.

 

I haven't seen in her nearly 6 months, so the details of my breakup were unknown to her.

 

Actually, most of the events in my previous post were a mystery to her.

 

I was genuinely surprised by the insight she displayed.

 

The comments she made:

 

- Everyone deserves to be lazy for a little while in a relationship. It's a problem if it's persistant, but everybody needs a break once in awhile.

 

- Being lazy doesn't mean not being assertive. You may not want to make the plans, but that doesn't mean you should let yourself be a doormat and get walked all over. Push back if you get pushed.

 

- Silently accepting and forgiving when your partner frustrates you will just generate resentment that will kill anyone's feelings. If a guy she's dating always asks her what she wants to do and is annoyed by it...she'll open her mouth and say something. Anything less will encourage this frustrating behavior.

 

- The "spark"/"instant chemistry" is nice, but it's also a lousy foundation for a relationship. It WILL fade one day. Maybe because of stress, or a rift in the relationship, because of changing responsibilities, marriage, children...whatever. But it will happen if you leave it to its own devices. Maintaining your emotionally connection and attraction requires active communication, work and awareness from both sides. Anyone who expects to always "just feel it" will end up losing their relationship eventually unless they get very lucky and either find their perfect match or find a partner willing to do all the work.

 

- She quoted the silly turn of phrase "No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice." As much as this is just something that should go on a fridge magnet, it's actually pretty true...and something I wish I had kept in mind during my period of high stress. Had I continued to really put in the work towards the end of my relationship, even if it had still ended, I could have left with my head held high that I did everything I could.

 

Honestly, it's sort of nice to hear this sort of maturity from my kid sister. She's 9 years younger than I am, but seems to grasp how a real LTR should work more than any girl I've ever dated...and maybe even a little better than I do.

 

I'll still beat the sh*t out of any guy that hurts her, but at least I know she won't be seeking out any sh*tty relationships, which is a big relief.

  • Like 9
Posted (edited)

Though I definitely agree that you shouldn't have bottled up your feelings of grief and loss, I also have a fundamental problem with the idea that you shouldn't be able to be real with someone with whom you are in an intimate relationship about where you are actually at. Partners should be able to share each other's load, even when it is a huge one.

 

I apologize for the shortness. Having a very bad day today and seeing the effects that AvPD has had on my life. I didn't know I had it until a few weeks ago, but it is too late now. I fear my academic career where I am at, is destroyed, I didn't find that out until very late last night. And I was having such a good night, and so full of purpose to finish everything I could.

 

I still will finish everything I can and work hard, now that I have the energy and brain working well enough to be able to do so.

 

Finding it very hard to have any sense of self-worth right now. But, in a few moments, I will pick up, and begin work again on assignments post B vitamin complex shot.

 

EDIIT: but back to the original subject matter, I think you are placing far too much blame on yourself. You have had so many things happen, so much stress and tragedy and laying all this blame on yourself for feeling sad and having the human reactions of grief and not being happy enough to make it easy for her, but here's the thing. It really shouldn't be easy for her. The idea of relationships is that people share their burdens and carry them together. And that means being willing to be there with you through the difficult times as well.

 

I am not saying to not examine things you could have improved on, but don't kick yourself, please.

Edited by AnyaNova
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Posted

Oh, I'm trying to be constructive with it all.

 

I just tend to be my own worst critic.

 

My coping mechanisms were just...flawed. In reality, I made things worse for myself. The fact that things were hard for her and her leaving was just a by product of that.

 

I let myself be consumed by all the negativity around me for a brief period of time. It might be understandable, but I should have taken responsibility for it sooner.

Posted

Hey OP, my situation was very similar to yours, except my struggles were with coping with losing my job for the first time in my life and the depression that ensued. I beat myself up about it for months thinking what if I handled it better or what if I had a better attitude, and what comforts me somewhat is that while yes I could have handled it better, I know I would never have left her if the roles were reversed. No doubt it is tough on the other person but my love was unconditional.

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Posted
Hey OP, my situation was very similar to yours, except my struggles were with coping with losing my job for the first time in my life and the depression that ensued. I beat myself up about it for months thinking what if I handled it better or what if I had a better attitude, and what comforts me somewhat is that while yes I could have handled it better, I know I would never have left her if the roles were reversed. No doubt it is tough on the other person but my love was unconditional.

 

I see your point.

 

However, I can't blame my ex - or anyone else who makes similar decisions - for following their "heart".

 

Some people simply can't be in a relationship if the chemistry/interest/attraction/spark isn't there anymore. My relationship was just getting to the point where the initial chemistry was fading but should've been building something deeper and more meaningful...

 

I built the friendship, which is what I thought the basis if a great relationship should be. I truly invested in making this girl my best friend. But I forgot about romance and affection when I was in my funk. I tried to hide my negativity from her because I didn't want to lose her. The depth of my own feelings for her kinda freaked me out too.

 

But how stressed out I was, my general level of anxiety, just killed her attraction for me. She no longer felt compelled to be around me. On an emotional level, her heart just wasn't with me anymore. We hadn't gotten to the point where her feelings were deep rooted enough to stick around.

 

She might've been a bit immature for leaving because of that, but I can't hold it against her. I really wasn't at my best for an extended period of time.

Posted

You had a lot happen while you were just starting out with your new girlfriend. I don't know that anyone would have reacted any better to be honest. It just seems like unfortunate timing. You are only human, and you can only cope with so much. Don't be so hard on yourself. I think you were given some shytty situations (grandfather dying, girlfriend committing suicide), and it sounds like you did the best you could.

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Posted
You had a lot happen while you were just starting out with your new girlfriend. I don't know that anyone would have reacted any better to be honest. It just seems like unfortunate timing. You are only human, and you can only cope with so much. Don't be so hard on yourself. I think you were given some shytty situations (grandfather dying, girlfriend committing suicide), and it sounds like you did the best you could.

 

Thank you. I know we've all been through a lot on LS, and we all try as hard as we can.

 

As I'm sure AnyaNova can attest, I have a tendency to put myself through the wringer over this.

 

I had a lot thrown at me during a short period of time, and I tried to spare my ex from the majority of it...but I can only bottle up so much before there's spillover. I was in a rut, and it's was heartbreaking to think that such a connection was broken because of wretched timing.

 

So it goes.

  • Like 1
  • 2 weeks later...
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Posted (edited)

I've thought about posting on this thread, but avoided it until I could handle it better. Despite a few triggers here and there, it seems about time.

 

Nov 29th was the day my previous ex committed suicide, and Dec 15 was when her memorial service took place (which was full of its own problems, as her older brother told me he felt it was my fault). I never really understood exactly how deeply that one horrible event affected me until my most recent BU.

 

When I was with my most recent ex, I could see the relationship going places. I could see having a future with her, and it terrified the absolute sh*t out of me. I was scared of getting too close to her, and I was scared of losing her.

 

I'm ashamed to admit that I cried almost every day for those 6 weeks. I had daily anxiety attacks and didn't want her to know. I was rattled to the core...and I still felt guilty for the death of another.

 

I couldn't sleep at night. I couldn't get out of my own way. I was a total wreck. I realize now how much it hurt my ex to see me this way, and how that pain (and my unattractive behavior) caused her feelings to change. It tore her apart, and she was just an innocent bystander.

 

I'm better now, but it's been a long road to forgive myself.

Edited by Pfenixphire
  • Like 1
  • 1 month later...
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Posted

Short update for my own benefit:

 

I was officially diagnosed with a form of dissociative anxiety with symptoms similar to PTSD, but significantly less severe. I'd rather not go into specific diagnoses or treatments here, so I'll use general descriptions.

 

It apparently surfaced 6 months after my previous ex's death. This was when my coworker died in the drunk driving accident (around the time of the Boston Marathon bombing).

 

I'd never experienced anxiety or depression before, but the stress, insomnia, nightmares, and painful memories make me dissolve. I wanted to be "strong" and sort through it...but I ended up burying myself in my work until I was too exhausted to function. My "strength" became a weakness, and I became a lazy, passive, unassertive doormat for 6-7 weeks.

 

Getting treatment officially now. I think, out if everything, I'm most frustrated at myself for not seeking out help earlier. I thought I could handle it all on my own and didn't open up, and it made everything a hell of a lot worse.

 

An incredibly selfish act by a troubled girl and my own need to be "strong" punched a whole in my self-worth large enough to fall through, making my job more miserable and repelling the first girl I actually wanted a future with.

 

My feelings for her made me clumsy, but my stubbornness made me fall. It's a shame, but so it goes. The lesson, I suppose, is that strength is overrated. Real emotional fortitude comes from honesty and the ability to be vulnerable.

Posted
Short update for my own benefit:

 

I was officially diagnosed with a form of dissociative anxiety with symptoms similar to PTSD, but significantly less severe. I'd rather not go into specific diagnoses or treatments here, so I'll use general descriptions.

 

It apparently surfaced 6 months after my previous ex's death. This was when my coworker died in the drunk driving accident (around the time of the Boston Marathon bombing).

 

I'd never experienced anxiety or depression before, but the stress, insomnia, nightmares, and painful memories make me dissolve. I wanted to be "strong" and sort through it...but I ended up burying myself in my work until I was too exhausted to function. My "strength" became a weakness, and I became a lazy, passive, unassertive doormat for 6-7 weeks.

 

Getting treatment officially now. I think, out if everything, I'm most frustrated at myself for not seeking out help earlier. I thought I could handle it all on my own and didn't open up, and it made everything a hell of a lot worse.

 

An incredibly selfish act by a troubled girl and my own need to be "strong" punched a whole in my self-worth large enough to fall through, making my job more miserable and repelling the first girl I actually wanted a future with.

 

My feelings for her made me clumsy, but my stubbornness made me fall. It's a shame, but so it goes. The lesson, I suppose, is that strength is overrated. Real emotional fortitude comes from honesty and the ability to be vulnerable.

 

Remember always that it takes two to tango. You yourself said that you think that you would have been able to be vulnerable, if she would have asked you, if she would have opened the door for you to talk about it (and most women who are healthy and have even an ounce of empathy, would have!).

 

The fault is not entirely yours, and I think being depressed and passive for 6 weeks is normal given the number of losses and stresses you were dealing with.

 

I am sorry that I didn't get your last PM answered. I have been recovering a lot myself over break, particularly from the vitamin deficiency.

 

In fact, I really struggle to see where the fault is of yours at all. Grief is not some sort of sin or wrong. It is a natural and unfortunate part of life, that whoever is meant to be your partner will want to share in and be there for you during.

 

But I know, too, that if you relinquish any or most fault from yourself, than you have to face another random seeming loss (rather than something that you caused and made happen), and this one pointless and stupid because she didn't have the internal strength to face this with you.

 

I realize I keep saying this. But I do so because it is what I believe.

 

But I know too, that blaming yourself will erode your self-esteem significantly enough that it could really slow down your healing process from this breakup (at least in my own life, the higher his pedestal the lower my self-esteem is).

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Posted
Remember always that it takes two to tango. You yourself said that you think that you would have been able to be vulnerable, if she would have asked you, if she would have opened the door for you to talk about it (and most women who are healthy and have even an ounce of empathy, would have!).

 

The problem was, I think, that I bottled it all up to the point where only new problems spilled over. I was "full" so to speak, and any new frustration from the job front was something to be upset about. Only happened 2-3 times in those last few weeks, but I think she associated everything to work.

 

 

 

The fault is not entirely yours, and I think being depressed and passive for 6 weeks is normal given the number of losses and stresses you were dealing with.

 

I don't disagree, but at a certain point I feel like I became someone she didn't LIKE to be around anymore. Seeing me simply did not excite or interest her because I wasn't exciting or interesting to be around.

 

Yes, she could've said something, but she's also "too nice". I think she felt bad for what she thought I was going through (as opposed to what I was actually going through) and didn't want to say anything to upset me further...only to have her feelings cool off in the meantime.

 

I don't believe in that hoopla of "the man must lead the relationship", but I do believe that both partners must put in equal effort for things to work out. Socially, I think it's expected for a guy to put in at least a little more, but regardless, I wasn't putting in nearly enough effort at the end.

 

I am sorry that I didn't get your last PM answered. I have been recovering a lot myself over break, particularly from the vitamin deficiency.

 

Are you really apologizing for taking care of yourself? Don't worry about it, seriously, lol.

 

In fact, I really struggle to see where the fault is of yours at all. Grief is not some sort of sin or wrong. It is a natural and unfortunate part of life, that whoever is meant to be your partner will want to share in and be there for you during.

 

I think at this point, my feelings of grumpiness stem from not asking for help or opening up earlier. I played "tough guy" and got burned. Even if I sought help earlier she may have still left, but at least I'd be in a better place.

 

And if I'd opened up to her...well, at least she would've known why I was the way I was.

 

But I know too, that blaming yourself will erode your self-esteem significantly enough that it could really slow down your healing process from this breakup (at least in my own life, the higher his pedestal the lower my self-esteem is).

 

Weird thing is...I never put her on a pedestal during the relationship. I made decisions that I thought suited her needs and took care of things for her (and made the occasional sacrifice), but I also put my needs first sometimes and did not always do what she wanted. In fact, sometimes I put my foot down to demand she put her needs in front of OUR wants (ie, get her work done instead of having date night).

 

It was only after the breakup that I realized what I was doing in pushing her away and acting so passive. I tried to still give her everything and be "perfect" even in my crappy state, so she never saw what was going on...and I contributed to the sabotaging of the relationship.

 

I'm not really blaming myself as much as I'm trying to learn from my mistakes. Hopefully I'll never be faced with this kind of situation again, but if I am, I'll be the stronger for having gone through it already.

  • Like 1
Posted

If it is just learning for the next relationship, I guess.

 

I still think it might have more to do with a sense of control.

 

And yes, I am apologizing for taking care of myself, I guess. :-)

 

So how are you taking care of yourself right now?

Posted
Thank you. I know we've all been through a lot on LS, and we all try as hard as we can.

 

As I'm sure AnyaNova can attest, I have a tendency to put myself through the wringer over this.

 

I had a lot thrown at me during a short period of time, and I tried to spare my ex from the majority of it...but I can only bottle up so much before there's spillover. I was in a rut, and it's was heartbreaking to think that such a connection was broken because of wretched timing.

 

So it goes.

 

For different reasons we have experienced the same thing. It really is tough. And only time helps you understand your actions and accept them.

 

I suppose life is just like that. Not sure I believe in fate as such, but some things just aren't meant to work. There must be better times on the way, just try to tell yourself that.

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Posted
If it is just learning for the next relationship, I guess.

 

I still think it might have more to do with a sense of control.

 

And yes, I am apologizing for taking care of myself, I guess. :-)

 

So how are you taking care of yourself right now?

 

There might be an element of control in there. I was dissociating pretty often during those 6-7 weeks, and had absolutely no energy. I was a wretched husk with no mojo. I had opportunities to look at things more positively, or at least seek help sooner, but I could not get out of my own way. My charisma and self-confidence were shot to hell, and had pumped the brakes pretty heavily on the relationship. Emotional intimacy made me very uncomfortable for awhile. I couldn't spend the night in her apartment without getting anxious, couldn't bring myself to flirt or engage her like I used to, take her on exciting dates, or do anything that would risk "letting her in".

 

It is a little disheartening to realize that, maybe, it's all random. There's no order or schema to the universe, and no plan or reason for so many crappy things to happen. The ideas of cosmic karma or things being "meant to be" are utterly foolish I suppose.

 

At the moment I'm heavily doped up on meds. Horrid sinus infection. Besides that, I plan on moving cross country as soon as I land a job on the other coast. I need a bug change. I associate this area with too many awful things.

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