Fixed* Ex Girlfriend being cold

[Phantomu]

well everyone. Yesterday I found out through my best friend (she was at a best friends girlfriends house.) that she said she wishes I would get a girlfriend and be happy. Also that there is no future for us. She also told them she blocked my calls and texts. Well regardless if I should have done this or not I called her with the intentions of telling her sorry and I have no idea what I did wrong. I've been nothing but kind to her. Well it went to her voicemail and she obviously still got my texts so she didn't really block me.. But she text later and said," you have to just leave me alone."...I don't understand what I even did. It's very clear to me that I have every reason to move on now but this makes me feel like our relationship never existed. I tried to do nice things after the breakup that she welcomed. ex: Still going to the bday party she invited me to and buying gifts for her son, giving her $200. I just don't understand why she is being so hateful. Telling my friends things and telling me different. This is really messed up and I don't deserve to be treated this way. I loved her as much as I could and showed that I would be there for her and still she stomps on my heart like it's trash. It's like everything we went through doesn't matter now..Now i'm left to feel like i'm the bad guy. She broke up with me. Hurt me twice and still wants to make me feel horrible about myself...I realize now that I deserve better than this. It still hurts and it's still going to take me time to recoop. I really want to thank you guys for helping me and your words are not going unnoticed. I will continue to take the advice you gave me to heart and realize i'm better than this and I don't need this. I'm not a bad person and I know i'm not. I love very hard and I care about those in my life. I thought I would end up happy with this woman but she does not see or value my true worth.

[CaliBabe]

You are coming off as extremely clingy, codependent and as if you have no life without her. Women do not find this attractive. You need to stop contacting her now. You are making yourself look worse and worse.

 

Try going to the gym, going out with friends, dating, take a new hobby, go to church, reconnect with old friends or family. Anything really to get your mind off of it. You need to get yourself right and let her see what she missed out on. I don't mean to sound harsh but you need to snap out of this trance. Be a better man and you will find the perfect woman. Be strong, you will get through this.

[Phantomu]

I understand what you mean and I have backed off. But she clearly told my friends that we have NO future.. How is she going to miss me if she's already made up her mind..

[CaliBabe]

Phantomu, you have to respect what she wants. You have no choice but to move on.

[Phantomu]

I understand that. Believe me.It's just the way she did all of this was extremely cruel.

I didn't do anything wrong besides reach out to her and she confused me with stringing me along. Never giving me complete answers. It kept me hopeful which I am now regretting.

Edited November 27, 2013 by Phantomu

[laddie]

Although it's a really painful situation you're in right now you should try to stop seeking answers why she's acted the way she has and analysing everything.

 

It's a natural thing to do but it stops you from moving on and healing and she will probably not tell you the reasons why anyway.

 

Also keep up the NC because you'll erode any self respect you have left by keeping in touch in the hope she will change her mind.

It prolongs the agony and pain and pushes her further away.

 

It's not easy but the pain will diminish each day and you'll come out of this a stronger person.

 

Good luck!

[Phantomu]

Thank you.

[Iguanna]

I'm sure that if I were there with you I'd yell at you. Unfortunately we are in different time zones so I see your posts in the morning while you are sleeping. So I'll yell at you now and you will receive this as a good morning gift

 

Ok I won't yell (yet). I'll tell you some things, cause I've been through this situation myself. Not getting exact answers is really confusing and it frustrates you, I understand it. But I will tell you now why she may not give answers and you can pick one reason by yourself: 1. She has no reasons to give. You were perfect, but you were not suitable for her and her kids. 2. She knows that if she gives you the reasons she has, you will get hurt and she wants to spare you this pain. 3. She doesn't want to get into a conversation with you cause she just wants this to be over. 4. She doesn't know herself what it is that she doesn't like on you or your behavior. She is immature.

 

Bottom line is, you won't know the exact reason. At least she had the decency to tell you that it's over. Some people can just let you understand that by their behavior, which I find cruel and mean to do. She seems really determined about her decision so there is nothing else you can do.

 

About the other thing you said, you feeling like this relationship never existed, now I will start to yell. Are you nuts? You had good and bad moments and these are what will stay in your mind and help you go on in life. It doesn't make sense what you said. Only the relationships that end in marriage are the ones that exist and matter? Do you see how crazy this sound? You are not the bad guy. She has made your decision and she is trying to make you accept it and go on. I guess she knows better that you can be importunate and she wants to avoid this. I understand that it's really hurtful to see all your dreams crumble, you are left there now knowing what you did wrong, but at the end of the day you got to survive. 4 years have passed since that guy broke up with me and to this day I have NO idea why. He gave me some reason (he was not ready for a commitment) but no more explanations. I was left there hurting and wondering just like you, trying to understand what I did wrong, wondering if something would change should I try to be more ______ (whatever) but he didn't want to talk about it at all. I realized I had to survive. This is what you have to do. Her being strict with you may be better.

 

I didn't yell much, did I?

[Phantomu]

Haha no Iguanna. you didnt yell much at all. I guess I said never existed because she just is completely withdrawn from everything now like none of it mattered to her. It sucks. Knowing that last time I saw those kids is probably going to be the LAST time. But she didnt have the decency to tell me... She told MY friends... She's hanging out with my friends in the house I use to live in. All the while i'm at my parents house. It's just wrong... But I have to accept it though..

[Iguanna]

By remembering things and trying to understand why she did this or that you won't move on. Accept that it's over, see this as a new opportunity in your life and do something to fix YOUR problems. I may be harsh but I'm happy for you. Why would you raise someone else's kids? You will find a woman one day with whom you'll share this incredible experience of pregnancy, birth and raising your own kids. I'm truly happy for you. You may think now you are doomed but I find this as a better thing for you than if you were still with her, I swear.

[Phantomu]

What you said brings tears to my eyes. I am grateful to have met you on here. Someone I don't even know and you have given me your time to try and help me through this situation. I thank you so much. You have really helped me and you are a wonderful human being. I hope that one day this situation can help other people that have been met with this. It seems sometimes people can move on without closure and I think that everyone in this situation should prepare themselves for that. In the end the other person has to decide how much they want it. You can do nothing...I want to help others now realize that no matter what the situation is you have to accept it.. I only hurt myself hoping for a resolution to this. But you can't force it.

 

If you don't mind keeping in contact Iguanna I would be honored to call you a friend. You were really there for me the whole way and I am grateful that you cared about me.

[Iguanna]

Nice, now we can say we are both crying through a forum I'm incredibly happy that I helped you, I can't express how much. Of course you can consider me a friend and you can contact me here, I'll monitor your progress in getting better and even meeting a new girl soon Thank you for your kind words, it means the world to me to know that I have touched a person's heart so many miles away.

 

I know you needed closure. I know you needed to analyze and discuss over and over again what you did right or wrong, try to fix it, try again and again, be given a second chance. But sometimes in life you are left without closure, without an explanation, and the choices you have are either suffer wondering why and blaming yourself or decide that this is it and SURVIVE. This is what you will do, you will take these memories, put them in a closet in your heart and take this experience and transform it in something new and wonderful with your life. Remember, every ending is also a new start.

 

I'll be here, keep in touch

[Haydn]

It will get better it takes a bit of time to find yourself again. But keep posting here. (Why does everyone one hit the gym after a breakup?) I hit other things but not the gym. Take care.

[Phantomu]

Thank you Iguanna and all of you. You people are truly wonderful and this has inspired me to help everyone feeling this way. I'm going to make a new man of myself who will make the right choices for MYSELF. In the end you have yourself to make happy and what you do will DEFINITELY impact your life everyday. I have to make myself happy in order to find happiness. Thank you all for opening that door in my mind. Nothing lasts forever and it is up to you to make the right choices to preserve your well being. To love again and to not give up on yourself. There are people in the world for me and I just haven't found the right one. One day she will come and love me through it all and I will love her the same. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH YOU ARE WONDERFUL! I will stay on these boards. Coming here may have been the best choice i've made in this break up. It's time to heal myself and move forward with MY life. Thank you guys it means so much. I will definitely keep in touch! :)

[laddie]

Good to see you more positive!

Things will get better and you'll look on this with a different perspective in time.

 

Having read all your posts in the thread I can see that you're a decent caring person and you'll find someone more suited to you once you're ready.

 

Talking from experience ( I've just split up with the mother of my child 6 weeks ago) it will get easier and the pain subsides each week. You'll have up and down days but just stay strong and go NC and you'll start to feel better about yourself.

[Phantomu]

Thanks Laddie. Yeah, the pain I think is gonna be there for a while but I can't let it stop my life. Like Iguanna said,"Life goes on". No matter how much I sulk in it the days will go by and that time I can never get back. So I can only improve myself. Learning lessons from my mistakes so that I don't repeat them again.

Sorry to hear about your situation. That must be really rough. We're all in this together.

[tink_10050]

I am a single mother who let a younger man go, I have always regretted it.

 

That being said, I think the advice you have been given has been very solid.

 

I think you need to back off and let your gf have some space. We don't know if there is another man in the picture, but if there isn't you should let her have some time.

 

I don't know how much older she is but i know that it is a concern that she could be ruining your life. There are a lot of concerns about you, her, and her children. I said that she likes the chase. My reason is that there are so many conflicting things going on for her right now.

 

She needs to know that you are worthy of the "chase."

 

Also, she needs to know that you will stick with her, give her space, be wise enough to let her go, and come back if she can.

 

I don't know how much of an age difference there is but please give her a chance.

[Phantomu]

She is 10 years older than me. But like I said earlier Tink. She told my friends there is no future so I can't hold on to hope of her changing her mind. Believe me i'm definitely going to give her all the space she needs. But even then I can't say she will want me back. So I just have to move on. She seems very determined and has went as far as telling me to leave her alone so I can't push it anymore.. I love her with all of my heart but I can't make things any worse ya know. It's up to her.

[Phantomu]

Why do you regret letting him go?

[Iguanna]

She is 10 years older than me.

 

Ok NOW I'm gonna start yelling! MY FRIEND YOU DODGED A BULLET. Go pray and thank God cause he saved you from this situation you got yourself into. No, love doesn't have to be that hard. I know I may sound harsh now, and you may tell me that numbers don't count, but sometimes numbers DO count. You have learned now that you have to survive, you have to move on, and I have the feeling that soon I'll get news from you saying that you met some nice girl. But you gotta be careful, you got to learn to read the signs, you have to learn to get the puzzle pieces together. When something doesn't seem right it's probably cause it is wrong, people aren't always the way they say they are. I can see you are a sensitive person, but you got to be strong also, good guys get often manipulated. Have your mind open, think, and I'm sure things will go good for you. I'm here if you need me.

[Redd85]

Phatomu this sounds very similar to something I am going through now. I am mid 30's and had been seeing a girl for 20 months who was the same age and had two children. We didn't live together but I would spend at least a couple of days a week staying over at her house. I got on with the kids but unlike your situation I wouldn't say that they looked at me like a father figure. Me and my girlfriend were very close, we would text each other constantly she would text and say she had missed me when I hadn't seen her for a couple of days, we had a brilliant sex life etc which even lasted right until the end of the relationship.

The last 2 months of the relationship she started blowing hot and cold, I felt like some weeks she was avoiding me and not texting as much as she normally would but then the following week I would see her and everything was fantastic again, lots of texts etc. I did actually ask her one day if there was anything wrong and she simply told me she had a lot going on with work.

Anyway the last week she went really cold with me, I was trying to arrange to see her and she was fobbing me off. I eventually had a phone conversation with her and she used very similar reasons that your girlfriend used. She said that she just wanted to spend more time with her kids and concentrate on them and that she just wanted to be single for the time being and that shes not interesting in dating. She was quite upset when she told me this and she said that she would really miss me.

I know it's confusing as our situations would seem that the relationship was perfect but the kids caused the complication. I keep running scenarios through my head what if i had done this different etc, but i think what it comes down to in the end is that she just didn't see the four of us happily together in the future.

I also keep thinking about all the good times and how we seemed so happy just before the breakup. I am also scared at the thought of having to start all over again with someone else especially seen as i had invested so much into this relationship. At first I kept hoping she would contact me and want to try again, but now I think "would I really want to"? I thought we were happy and she ended it, I don't think I could trust her again.

However life goes on, it's been two weeks since we split and it is difficult and I feel like I am thinking about her nearly all the time. I have not contacted her but I am certain I will see her over Christmas as we visit the same bars / clubs. I am now just trying to focus on the future, I am certain we will meet someone else who we can be happy with. I'm sure time will heal

[Phantomu]

That's unfortunate Redd.. Yeah it really sucks. You think you can have a life with this person but that's not up to you at all..Even though you love them so much it changes nothing...

 

Right now, i'm dealing with the fact that she basically told my friends all this stuff that they really shouldn't have to hear. I should be the one she's saying this stuff to. It's like she's trying to justify to them why she broke up with me so she doesn't look like a bad person to them. Lies. These are MY FRIENDS..She is newer to the circle...I really can't believe it guys..She broke up with me so why is she twisting the knife deeper? What did I do for her to try and make me look bad now? I have been nothing but nice. . IS she trying to turn my friends against me? I know they know that it isn't true. But why treat me like this when I loved her and don't hold hatred towards her? Can someone please help me understand this?

[Phantomu]

After the break up she seemed to miss me alot but now she treats me like i'm a bad person..

[Iguanna]

If your friends know you and love you they will believe in you and not her. You ask why and you seem to not know that, guess what, life is a b@#$tch and too many things in life are unfair. Stop torturing yourself with this matter, accept it's the past and go on. You had made progress and now you are back at step one again. What she does is her concern, your concern is to care for yourself, to feel good and strong. She embarrasses herself with these bad things she says. You have to be superior than her.

[Phantomu]

I accept that its the past but I don't understand her motive for this... What's the point in making it worse than it is.