Author Confused48 Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 My point was this - and I have a traditional view of marriage - that outside of cheating or abuse - your in it for better or worse - you are copilots/cocaptians of ship marriage - there is compromise and co directions When one cheats, you have the power to leave or not leave, in a sense you become the captain. I am not saying you can make the other do anything - but simply that there is a relief valve now - you are justified now - or 10 years form now of steering the ship to the port and leaving - no questions asked, no excuses needed. The WS should know this. I wished to empower OP in this way and not let her feel trapped. It is her decision now. Thanks Dichotomy. However, WS does not agree. WS has always viewed M as one day at a time sort of commitment. The A has given me the same sort of attitude whereas I did not have this attitude previously. So in that way it was an equalizer I guess.
Author Confused48 Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 No one deserves this. How would she feel if you had an affair? WS would be devastated. We've talked about it. Despite that WS gave me permission to have a revenge A. I didn't and won't, in case you wonder.
Author Confused48 Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 But your wife isn't working on her part in it thoroughly, right? WS is working on issues. A lot. I see more needed, that is all I meant. I want even more. So WS is not perfect. As has been previously stated in this thread by others, even if WS were perfect now, still, what happened might mean the relationship has to end. As Dichotomy just said, that decision might not be for 10 years.
dichotomy Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 Thanks Dichotomy. However, WS does not agree. WS has always viewed M as one day at a time sort of commitment. The A has given me the same sort of attitude whereas I did not have this attitude previously. So in that way it was an equalizer I guess. Wow. How nice to go into a marriage with a "see how it goes one day at a time" view... what a piece of work you WS is........ I can imagine the vows - "for better or for... what ever you think the next day" but as you say I guess it is an equalizer of sorts - but yours is legitimate. I wish the best for you in all this...its so hard.
beach Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 If you're willing to give her 10 years to work on it (herself and the M) - then accept that time frame.
atreides Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 I agree, kids, finances... not enough of a reason, a factor in the decision for sure but not conclusive. Its not that there isn't love. There is. Lots from both sides. Its just that love may not be enough either. Just another factor in the decision. If love is not enough, then you have answered your question, what are you hanging on to? Are you still searching for the answer or do you already know and seek validation?
Spectre Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 (edited) I think if you haven't divorced her yet you need to start the process of doing so. The fact is she would of never put you in this situation if she cared about your marriage and if she was truly in love with you. Also for me even if your wife is acting better to you now, for me I would just keep thinking "well yeah, but you should of decided to act better to me before you cheated". So it's a bit of "to little to late" for me. It will be painful, but in the end when you finally find someone else who treats you like you deserve..actually finding that person makes it all the more amazing. That is pretty much the only positive thing that could come out of her behavior: that when you find a woman better then her you will be able to fully appreciate how lucky you are. Edited November 22, 2013 by Spectre
Author Confused48 Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 Wow. How nice to go into a marriage with a "see how it goes one day at a time" view... what a piece of work you WS is........ I can imagine the vows - "for better or for... what ever you think the next day" but as you say I guess it is an equalizer of sorts - but yours is legitimate. I wish the best for you in all this...its so hard. Now that I think about it, its more than an equalizer. WS kind of flipped on this to wanting to stick with it. I would not say WS is of the mind set that nothing other than abuse or cheating would be grounds to leave but much closer to that than one day at a time. I attribute that to changes in WS post Dday. I think WS sees that the one day at a time attitude contributed to being open to having an A. So not ever wanting to be in that very bad situation again, WS is no longer having the one day at a time attitude. I forget sometimes that there have been changes.
Author Confused48 Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 If love is not enough, then you have answered your question, what are you hanging on to? Are you still searching for the answer or do you already know and seek validation? Love by itself is MAYBE not enough. Love with kids and finances and history and sex and on and on.... may STILL not be enough. No, I don't have my answer. I still think maybe it is enough and then later, hell no! More often I think maybe its enough or I'd have never lasted 1 1/2 years.
Spectre Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 I also really don't feel you should give her 10 years to work on it. It shouldn't take 10 years to fix if it is meant to be. Though I honestly think it isn't, I think you should get out now before you get hurt any further. Just my 2 cents, life is too short to spend with someone like this. You can do better, there are plenty of women who will truly love you and never do this to you.
Author Confused48 Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 I think if you haven't divorced her yet you need to start the process of doing so. The fact is she would of never put you in this situation if she cared about your marriage and if she was truly in love with you. To think that no one ever cheats if they love their SO, well that is a valid black and white way to think. I don't agree with it though. This may be true about WS back when WS began the A though, in my case. Even so, no room for change in your world? Also for me even if your wife is acting better to you now, for me I would just keep thinking "well yeah, but you should of decided to act better to me before you cheated". So it's a bit of "to little to late" for me. Ok, so change can be acknowledged but its too late. Again, that is fine for you. I would never criticize anyone for having that attitude. I also don't fault anyone strong enough to try to reconcile with a wayward that is repentant.
Author Confused48 Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 (edited) I also really don't feel you should give her 10 years to work on it. It shouldn't take 10 years to fix if it is meant to be. Though I honestly think it isn't, I think you should get out now before you get hurt any further. Just my 2 cents, life is too short to spend with someone like this. You can do better, there are plenty of women who will truly love you and never do this to you. I didn't say I'm giving her 10 years. I was citing Dichotomy about how I might want out 10 years from now and I have the free pass to do that if the reason is that 10 years from now I decide the A was too much to accept. I have all the time in the world to make the decision is what I meant. Also, I know anyone can cheat. There are no guarantees that a new SO would not cheat. No matter how careful you are. They just haven't cheated on you already. That is a nice thing but it is no guarantee. Edited November 22, 2013 by Confused48 1
Spectre Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 (edited) To think that no one ever cheats if they love their SO, well that is a valid black and white way to think. I don't agree with it though. I don't see it as black and white to be honest. I realize that nobody is perfect, you can't expect that you will never hurt the one you love. However, I also think if you truly love this person there are still just lines you do not cross. Can you cheat on someone you love? Yes maybe, can you cheat on someone you are *in* love with? No I do not think so. This may be true about WS back when WS began the A though, in my case. Even so, no room for change in your world? Like I said, I think cheating just crosses one of those lines that should never be crossed. No relationship will be perfect, but I feel there are just some things you will never in a million years do to someone you are in love with. Even me just thinking about doing that to the woman I am currently in love with causes me a lot of pain, it hurts to think about how much it would hurt her. That is something that will never ever happen. I couldn't let it happen, I would feel stick to my stomach while I was with another woman. I wouldn't even be able to because I'd never be able to get it up, since I have a very hard time doing so when I'm feeling utterly sick to my stomach and horrible. That is pretty much the only benefit I got from being cheated on. I'm not saying if I hadn't been cheated on that I'd be the type to cheat, but the pain I went through has insured I will never ever do that to someone else. Edited November 22, 2013 by Spectre
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