Why do I not feel worse?

[Ap22]

hello everyone. This is my first post here after reading a bunch of other threads.

 

I just found out my wife had an affair. She said it was only one time but I dont really believe that. Its been a few days since I found out and once the initial shock wore off, I'm here and I dont really feel as bad as I should.

 

For the most part, I'm perfectly fine except when I allow myself to dwell on the thought of her with another man and then it burns me up. I never imagined my wife cheating on me and I never imagined me staying with her after.

 

But here I am, willing to work things out with her. What the hell is wrong with me. I should be furious 24/7 but i'm not. I'm still joking with my friends, still have a strong sense of humor, still able to go on with life like nothings wrong. Now of course I'm constantly having the thought of her with another man popping in my mind, which is usually squash right away. However, when I follow that thought, I get caught up in it and rage.

 

I just imagined being crippled by pain for a very long time. I imagined being so hurt and angry that I couldnt continue with everyday operations properly. Why do I not feel worse? Is it denial? Granted, emotionally, I am and strong as anyone could possibly be. I have been through so much in my life and i've done it alone. Could be i'm just dead emotionally or my mind has learned how to shut down and protect itself over the years.

 

I dont understand why the pain isnt there. My wife is doing everything to reconcile, but I just shut her out for the most part. She spends all night begging and pleading for me to forgive her and to give her a second chance. I still dont know if I can, I'm still confused as to why I want to. Is it for me, her, the kids, or all the above?

 

With all the confusion and fear that an affair and possible divorce bring, I am confusing myself even more by my lack of pain. Why dont I feel worse? Shouldnt I be destroyed? Am I really this strong or am I just in denial?

[dichotomy]

How long ago did you find out? Shock, denial, are common in early stages. Your anger may grow

 

How long ago was her affair. You say she said one time - but you think it was not. You say she is doing everything - has she opened up her emails and accounts to prove this was a one time thing - provide name of OM and dates and other information.

 

Have you spied into her accounts or information to verify affair details?

 

Have you gone to MC?

[Ap22]

I found out 3 days ago. I went through shock for about a day and then the pain ended. Anger is still there, especially when i catch myself imagining the two of them together and then I rage.

 

I know who the OM was....i told her go F a real man, not a spineless and gutless wonder...she wants to go to counseling and we will....I have access, and always had access to every single account she has. I found out because she finally forgot to delete a text message from the OM....something really funny was happening and i told my wife to take a pic...her phone was right next to me so i picked it up to snap the pic and the text popped up....she came clean after i raged when i saw it...She said it was one time last november and hes been texting her ever since trying to get her to do it again.....i just dont believe her it was one time...

 

I just dont understand why I am not in inconceivable pain right now. Dont get me wrong, I have my moments of weakness, but they're just that...moments...

 

I mean right now, I'm laughing my ass off watching youtube videos and rocking out to music....WTF is wrong with me?

 

i thought it would be destroyed and it would take forever to get back up...i'm just afraid i'm in denial and dont realize it...i'm afraid i'm making decisions to work this out based on denial

Edited November 21, 2013 by Ap22

[Bryanp]

My guess is that you still are in shock. People respond to shock in different ways. I agree that it is doubtful that it was only one time. Are you to believe he screwed your wife only once a year ago and has been texting her for an entire year to do it again? I seriously doubt it. He has been texting her for a year because he has probably been screwing her for a year.

 

I would strongly suggest:

1. get tested for STD's

2. See a lawyer to understand your options.

If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck to you.

[Realist3]

What the hell is wrong with me. I should be furious 24/7 but i'm not.

 

Nothing is wrong with you. Just because you haven't been as crushed as most of the posters here is actually a positive.

[whichwayisup]

You're gonna go through different phases of emotions in stages. It's only been 3 days..Wait for it.

 

Your wife saying I'm sorry is great, but unless there's actions to back it up, meaning she's going to do counseling to figure herself out, why she cheated on you and risked your marriage, she needs to fix what's broken inside of her. And, come clean completely. NO WAY do you know the full truth. And, did you find out on your own or did she confess? How do you know the A is over and they are in no contact mode. Just saying there's more..Has to be.

[NotCamelot]

First, I am very sorry that this has happened to you. You are in good company here and you will get a LOT of advice. Some very good, some not so good. Use what works for you.

 

The pain will come. We all handle betrayal differently. The anger is very normal. You will find that you are going to be on an emotional rollercoaster.....for a long time.

 

You are going to find that she is not going to tell you everything, not all at one. You will get bits and pieces....here and there. Trickle truth. It's as if they are trying to spare you all the hurt. But what really happens is that as you discover more, it starts the feelings all over again.

 

Was the POS she was having the affair with married? If so, you should tell his wife as fast as possible. Be prepared to give as much evidence as you can as she will want to believe him and not you. If he is married, she deserves to know just as you do....and it will usually explode the whole thing.

 

We all think about what we'd do and how we'd handle this if it happened to us. Turns out it usually never that way. Do NOT feel bad about still wanting her. There is a reason you married her to begin with and that reason probably still exists.

 

In the meantime, don't do anything stupid. Give every action a lot of thought. Ask all the questions you need to ask. Don't expect to get all the answers to begin with.

 

It is ok to feel as you do. Do not feel guilty and your reactions. And, yes, your reaction to her having sex with the guy is completely normal. And, I feel that it the worst part for a betrayed husaband to deal with. I know some don't agree with me. But men seem to take that much worse than if the wife has exchanged I Love You with the guy. It seems just the opposite for a betrayed wife.

 

Remember this: your reactions are very normal for YOU. There are no rules for how you should feel.

[dichotomy]

So she has been covering up - deleting text messages. That will make it difficult to find out all of it. Unless of course OM is married in which case telling his wife, would provide another avenue to get the truth.

 

I don't profess to be a complete tech guru. But I believe there maybe ways to extract deleted texts and things from her phone with the right software or something. You may wish to Google this (depending on her brand of cell phone) and then (since she is so sorry) you can ask her to hand over the phone for a few days while you restore all messages and history. Heck - just saying your about to do this - she may breakdown and tell you more - but still do try to do it.

 

Has she issued a formal No Contact to OM? If not - now is the time for her to do it via text in your presence. But then again - I would suspect if she is lying and hiding she contacted OM by now to go deeper underground.

 

Do you have kids? Beyond shock it is possible maybe - not sure - your ready to leave the marriage and your not that upset? Human emotions vary.

[RightThere]

You are very early on. You probably still haven't processed exactly what has happened to you. So give it some time. I was the same way.

 

Also you're probably not getting the full truth yet. It will take some time for it to all come out. Don't forget that along with the affair, there were probably lots of lies to cover it up. Those you'll need to process as well.

 

Keep posting because your emotions will go in waves.

 

Good luck my friend.

[Sub]

I don't profess to be a complete tech guru. But I believe there maybe ways to extract deleted texts and things from her phone with the right software or something. You may wish to Google this (depending on her brand of cell phone) and then (since she is so sorry) you can ask her to hand over the phone for a few days while you restore all messages and history. Heck - just saying your about to do this - she may breakdown and tell you more - but still do try to do it.

 

Most phone plans have a history that you can access online, through their website. Even if it's deleted from the phones sim card, it should still show up on the usage for the account, for billing purposes. It wouldn't show the actual content of the texts, but you'd at least be able to see a pattern of interaction.

[Hurts_Donut]

OP - I'm very sorry that this happened to you.

 

I think that whatever you're feeling about it now is ok. I don't think that there is one way you should always feel or a rigid structure of "stages" that you have to go through. Be happy that you're felling alright now. But don't beat yourself up if you feel like crap later and just explode. Just be willing to accept what you're feeling when you feel it.

 

You may end up feeling, like you say, crippled with pain at some points. That's alright, too. But, ultimately, living as a person crippled or broken by emotional pain is a choice that you make about how you want your life to be.

[harrybrown]

She is lying to you. Did she use protection or has she been tested for stds?

[Ap22]

Just a little more insight....

 

I busted her. She did not come clean and wouldnt have had I not accidently found them. Funny thing is, I was constantly checking her phone because I had a gut feeling but I never found anything. The way I found it was because I saw something funny, wanted a picture of it before it went away, and her phone was closer than mine. I took the pic and the text popped up.

 

Anyways, she is crying and begging for me to forgive her. She says it took this to realize what she had and how she had taken me for granted. I know she had been suffering through a mid life crisis and everything just fell into place. She is pleading everyday to give her a second chance and she will be the wife she should have always been and she will spend the rest of her life proving it. I of course dont believe it, but who knows. She also says she never realized how selfish she truly was until she got busted. Not just with me, but with the kids. She truly put her happiness about everyone elses.

 

The other man was my stepsons father. He is married with a stepson of his own and a roughly 6 month old baby. The affair they both admitted to me happened in November last year, when his wife was pregnant. I confronted him and he is crying and pleading for me not to tell his wife. I have all his personal information and I have her facebook page and place of work.

 

Both of them told me that it was just one time, which I dont believe. He was still texting and she states it was him who kept texting to do it again. She wanted him to leave her alone. I really buy that but thats all i'm getting from either. Apparently it all started by him picking up my stepson and he would compliment her on her appearance. As time went on it turned into flirty texts until one night they decided to hook up at a hotel. All while his wife was pregnant. I havent told his wife yet but will probably use these posts as part of my proof along with the texts he sent her and the texts i sent him. So I will put one word in here for her to know I am who I say and am and this is no joke....HUGO.

 

Right now I'm living day by day, moment to moment. I guess only time will tell.

[michelangelo]

The OM's wife deserves to know what a crappy person he is.

 

And your wife needs to be outed too.

 

I don't believe her gaslighting story that it was over.

They have been texting constantly. She and he were together much more often than admitted to AFTER she was busted.

[Sub]

The other man was my stepsons father.

 

This would be your wife's XH, then?

[whatatangledweb]

I think it is more like you are still in shock. Everyone feels differently at the beginning. I did not get anger for months and then when I did it was ugly. I think you will feel the pain, anger, and many other emotions once the shock wears off unfortunately.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

You're still shock. You'll probably be in shock for a few weeks or months. Expect the rage to come and go frequently. Your emotions and reactions will be all over the place in the upcoming months.

 

One time 12 months ago? What was the OM texting 1 year later (supposedly) that busted them? I'll say it started 12 months ago and has continued. You'll spend an incredible amount of mental energy replaying the last 12 months of your life with a new filter of truth. You'll have "Aha" moments reflecting back on situations, conversations that now makes sense with your newfound knowledge.

 

Don't let a "midlife crisis" be an excuse for her. There's more to her affair than that. Tell the OM's wife. She might be able to provide you some beneficial background from her view of the affair.

 

So is the OM your wife's ex husband/boyfriend?

[peaksandvalleys]

hello everyone. This is my first post here after reading a bunch of other threads.

 

I just found out my wife had an affair. She said it was only one time but I dont really believe that. Its been a few days since I found out and once the initial shock wore off, I'm here and I dont really feel as bad as I should.

 

For the most part, I'm perfectly fine except when I allow myself to dwell on the thought of her with another man and then it burns me up. I never imagined my wife cheating on me and I never imagined me staying with her after.

 

But here I am, willing to work things out with her. What the hell is wrong with me. I should be furious 24/7 but i'm not. I'm still joking with my friends, still have a strong sense of humor, still able to go on with life like nothings wrong. Now of course I'm constantly having the thought of her with another man popping in my mind, which is usually squash right away. However, when I follow that thought, I get caught up in it and rage.

 

I just imagined being crippled by pain for a very long time. I imagined being so hurt and angry that I couldnt continue with everyday operations properly. Why do I not feel worse? Is it denial? Granted, emotionally, I am and strong as anyone could possibly be. I have been through so much in my life and i've done it alone. Could be i'm just dead emotionally or my mind has learned how to shut down and protect itself over the years.

 

I dont understand why the pain isnt there. My wife is doing everything to reconcile, but I just shut her out for the most part. She spends all night begging and pleading for me to forgive her and to give her a second chance. I still dont know if I can, I'm still confused as to why I want to. Is it for me, her, the kids, or all the above?

 

With all the confusion and fear that an affair and possible divorce bring, I am confusing myself even more by my lack of pain. Why dont I feel worse? Shouldnt I be destroyed? Am I really this strong or am I just in denial?

 

 

I don't believe there is a set pattern to how someone should feel. You either feel that way or you don't. I think there is probably a general pattern that most BS follow but that does not make it so for everyone. I for one would be just fine with my WH lying behind a dumpster and rotting. I am not going back and forth between loving him and hating him. He disgusts me. He used my life and resources that I can't get back. Feel what you feel.

[Ap22]

This would be your wife's XH, then?

 

No. He was a guy who knocked her up, abandoned her when she got pregnant, and isn't even a father to his child. I am the only real father that boy has had. In fact, he didn't hesitate to give up his son if I didn't tell his wife. That's the type of scumbag this spineless sorry excuse for a "man" is.

 

He said he would vanish from our lives and we would never hear from him again. As long as I didn't tell his wife because, you know, he has a 6 month baby at home.

[Sub]

No. He was a guy who knocked her up, abandoned her when she got pregnant, and isn't even a father to his child. I am the only real father that boy has had. In fact, he didn't hesitate to give up his son if I didn't tell his wife. That's the type of scumbag this spineless sorry excuse for a "man" is.

 

He said he would vanish from our lives and we would never hear from him again. As long as I didn't tell his wife because, you know, he has a 6 month baby at home.

 

Whoah. That's a pretty big piece of "a little more insight". Honestly, it's go time in regards to him if I were you.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I think it is more like you are still in shock. Everyone feels differently at the beginning. I did not get anger for months and then when I did it was ugly. I think you will feel the pain, anger, and many other emotions once the shock wears off unfortunately.

 

I was in shock and denial for a few weeks. Of course I was still angry and upset, but the reality of it all had not fully set in. That kind of pain/betrayal cannot be processed all at once.

 

After a few months I had to deal with rage for a year. Even when I could control it, I still felt it just under the surface. It just needed a fissure to explode like a volcano.

 

Whatever you feel, it's "normal".

[Ap22]

I was in shock and denial for a few weeks. Of course I was still angry and upset, but the reality of it all had not fully set in. That kind of pain/betrayal cannot be processed all at once.

 

After a few months I had to deal with rage for a year. Even when I could control it, I still felt it just under the surface. It just needed a fissure to explode like a volcano.

 

Whatever you feel, it's "normal".

 

 

 

I think you are right. The pain and anger are just under the surface. I can feel it there but I can control it. I guess one day it will become to much and explode.

[Sparta]

Hey buddy keep posting here to let us know what's going with you. Her inability to be honest or about her affair is really going to catch your attention. she betrayed you by having an affair okay done deal tramp. The most important thing that's probably going to make or break it for you. Is that she continues to lie on the amount of times they slept together. And I believe she still begging for you to take her back. You need to tell her! Do you really think I would want to R knowing you are a compulsive liar, Lying to me about the number of times OM and you (WW) slept together. That is your indicator that shows she has no Remorse and is not to be trusted. Total disrespect even after her A. Good luck buddy Oh yeah by the way ASAP contact his BW she needs to have that information and it bring this A out of Dark. Affairs thrives when they are hidden, when you shed light onto the A it usually helps to destroy it and it also should bring your wayward wife out of the fog. that she obviously is still in.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I know who the OM was....i told her go F a real man, not a spineless and gutless wonder...she wants to go to counseling and we will....I have access, and always had access to every single account she has.

 

Apathy is a coping mechanism.

 

It is also a potential that you don't love your wife in a romantic way.

[drifter777]

I think you are right. The pain and anger are just under the surface. I can feel it there but I can control it. I guess one day it will become to much and explode.

Yes, this will happen - count on it. I totally relate to the confusion you feel for not screaming at her and telling her to get out or leaving yourself. It was the same for me and was a combination of shock and denial. The denial component is not always understood by the betrayed husband. It doesn't mean you are blocking out what she did as in denying it happened; it's all about denying THE FULL AFFECT OF HOW YOU FEEL NOW AND HOW MUCH DAMAGE HAS BEEN DONE TO YOUR MARRIAGE. It's a short term coping mechanism that can become a long term sickness. It is insidious and can lead you to make many decisions in the short term that will destroy you in the long term.

 

Cheaters lie, lie, and lie some more. She will lie about everything she thinks you cannot prove. That's why telling OM's wife is so important. You may be able to get more of the truth from your wife when you tell her you are going to talk to his wife to find out more details. Actually telling his BW will help keep them from continuing the affair. And, of course, most of us here believe it is the right thing to do.

 

If I were in your shoes right now I would make her leave or pack a bag and move in with a friend or family or a hotel. You need to get away from her manipulation in order to clearly decide how you want to proceed. I would find a counselor and start working with them immediately. And above all, I would not have sex with my cheating wife no matter how much she throws herself at you or begs you. Maintain total No Contact with her. Find a way to see the kids that doesn't include seeing her.

 

Find a counselor to help you sort things out and stay away from her until you believe you are ready to try reconciliation or go the divorce route. No matter which path you choose you can always change your mind after you try it out.

 

Just reading your text brings back painful memories of my situation and the depth of denial I lived in for years. Don't do what I did - get help ASAP.

Edited November 21, 2013 by drifter777