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Do you have to be with someone else for it to stop hurting so much?

mikejensen3355

By mikejensen3355
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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mikejensen3355 Member

mikejensen3355

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It happened all the way back in July and I'm still hurting so bad. I'm doing the right things, no contact and all. But all I can think about is she imagined a life with me and compared it to a life with the guy she left me for, and chose him. It hurts. All the time. I'm keeping busy but it's impossible to do it 24/7.

 

Do people only truly heal when they find someone else? Or am I just pathetic?

chris21422 Established Member

chris21422

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No you don't heal because your with someone else..

 

Actually that is very wrong. You don't wanna be with someone else till you are completely healed.

 

It takes time 2 months is probably not enough..

  • Like 1
Salvatore85 Established Member

Salvatore85

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My ex and I broke up in February and I'm still feeling it too. Messed around with another female after we broke up and it made me feel even worse so honestly I have no idea what to do? It gets easier but finding someone else won't help you heal in my opinion, it will just mask the problem until you're really over it.

2fargone Established Member

2fargone

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I think it's wrong to 'make' the hurt stop by being with someone else. I suppose that's what they call a rebound. So I always wait for that hurt to be gone. Doesn't mean I forgot her.

 

 

However for me, to be completely over someone yes I do have to be with someone else. Because I'm absolutely sure that then for myself there is no going back. After all, what kind of man would I be if I left someone to be with someone else ?

  • Like 1
Jmk21 Established Member

Jmk21

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Seriously start dating. Talk to all the girls you see every day close with a name and get a number or a date set up right there. Vegas odds are at least a few WILL be interested. Become desirable.

 

I actually caught a girl mirin at me in the mirror at the gym today so I walked over and asked her if I had a cute butt no idea WHY i said that it just came out lol All smiles from her though AND we have a date to workout together this Saturday now :)

 

Own your breakup. Don't let it own you

  • Like 4
hotpotato Established Member

hotpotato

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No. You will feel better be patient and give yourself TIME.

Jmk21 Established Member

Jmk21

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It wouldn't let me edit but i wanted to add,

 

If I can do this with BRACES at 25 you sure as hell can get girls to like you

 

Becoming desirable has strange effects on your self worth. It makes me feel absolutely amazing

  • Like 2
Stealth3 Established Member

Stealth3

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I'm like 98% healed and I didn't really make any progress until I started dating and I happened to date 2 girls at the same time (don't ask how that happened lol). So now I'm dating those 2 chicks and I think about my ex less and less. I know soon I'll have to pick one and stick with her, but it feels good to have options for now.

 

The fact that both of those girls are good looking makes me think and care about my ex less and less where I will get to the point of just not giving a damn anymore. :cool:

 

So to answer your question I think going out and dating and being with someone else sure helps speed everything up. At least for some people like me.

  • Like 3
Nork New Member

Nork

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For me, being with somebody else when you're still hurting deeply didn't end well. It was like not cleaning a cut and slapping a band-aid without any adhesive on top of it. Yet still expecting it to heal properly. It did lightly cover up my emotional pain for a while, yes. But with every move it just kinda flopped around until it finally fell off. Forcing me to take the time to heal properly as I should have done in the first place.

 

But that wasn't the worst part. Hurting somebody in the process because I didn't allow myself to heal before being with them was.

greenfairie Established Member

greenfairie

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I dated somebody two months after I broke up with my ex of four years and I thought it was the best thing for me to do because all of my friends were encouraging me to get out and meet a cute guy to hook up with. I did that and it turned out to be a win/lose situation. My ex found out about him and got really pissed, made up this whole story about how they had a conversation about me. Lies. The win is I got to be still friends with that guy after the breakup, he was really cool and understanding of where I was at in my life. I appreciate that. I didn't feel so great about hooking up with him either once the chaos settled down. I just felt really weird and I was cheating on my ex because I was still having him be a part of me since we did everything together and lived together.

 

I knew I had to find my own self-identity before I can feel comfortable doing sexual stuff like that with a guy, so I just had to go out with guys as friends and that helped me a lot more than hooking up with a guy or thinking they're going to be a potential future mate. Just think of every guy you meet like you're going to make a new friend (NO THOUGHTS ABOUT THE POTENTIAL IN THE FUTURE PLZ)

Because I'm STILL working on myself and got no time to emotionally nurture a relationship but hey don't get me wrong.. I love sex and I want sex every now. I'd appreciate a friend who happens to be a guy to have sex with me as well.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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MikeJensen --

 

For you being with somebody else right now would be a rebound. You really aren't ready for a new person in your life because you are still hung up on your EX. The new person would just be a placeholder, somebody to fill the void left by your EX's departure.

 

All I can advise is keep yourself busy: get a new hobby, take a class, volunteer, work over time or get a 2nd job. Make some positive changes in your life too: Get a hair cut, exercise . . . do something to make yourself feel better about you.

 

Time is the best healer but this time of year tends to undue a lot of the healing progress that you made.

 

When you catch yourself thinking about her, force yourself to stop & think about something else.

xUnknown Established Member

xUnknown

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I actually caught a girl mirin at me in the mirror at the gym today so I walked over and asked her if I had a cute butt no idea WHY i said that it just came out lol All smiles from her though AND we have a date to workout together this Saturday now :)

 

Own your breakup. Don't let it own you

 

 

 

I'm going to have to use this line...in all honesty, its a good one. Stupid, but it will make her laugh, therefore, a win and your in. Props.

Jmk21 Established Member

Jmk21

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Haha go for it! I am usually well reserved but I've been going to that gym for almost 2 years now and it's where I feel most comfortable. So when a girl I've never seen before is checking me out I'm on it!

 

Sure my breakup was in August, I felt like **** for 2 months. I did volunteering, self reflections. Lists of things I liked about myself and things I didn't like about myself. And started making changes where I could, put myself out of my box for once.

 

I got sick of crying

Sick of grieving. I refuse to let myself sit in that rut any more.

 

I have 3 girls in my dating rotation. And I don't give one single ***. They all know my story and how it is right now

  • Like 1
me85 Established Member

me85

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Haha go for it! I am usually well reserved but I've been going to that gym for almost 2 years now and it's where I feel most comfortable. So when a girl I've never seen before is checking me out I'm on it!

 

Sure my breakup was in August, I felt like **** for 2 months. I did volunteering, self reflections. Lists of things I liked about myself and things I didn't like about myself. And started making changes where I could, put myself out of my box for once.

 

I got sick of crying

Sick of grieving. I refuse to let myself sit in that rut any more.

 

I have 3 girls in my dating rotation. And I don't give one single ***. They all know my story and how it is right now

 

 

Applause. This is awesome. :D

me85 Established Member

me85

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See, this is where I'm at. Me and my ex were trying to "work on it" for several months. Well, 2 weeks ago out of the blue kind of, I guess he decided he didn't want to anymore...I think he found someone else, honestly.

 

& I feel like Jerry Maguire...I've "never been alone, & CAN'T be alone." lol

 

JUST KIDDING PEOPLE.

 

Just REALLY REALLY sucks that the holidays are approaching and for the first time in 8 years I am going to face them as a single gal. :(

 

How could this happen to me???? BOOOO

Jmk21 Established Member

Jmk21

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The holidays are weird when your alone especially with fresh breakups. Can't go anywhere without seeing couples together and just oogling over each other. I just tell myself I saved money this year na just kidding.. I'm buying myself some sweet ass presents for once

  • Like 1
melell Established Member

melell

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If you have accepted your part relationship is completely over, and are no longer pining for that person, being with someone else you really love certainly stops you thinking about your past.

 

If you are still hurting, and holding on even a little bit, then it seems to have the opposite effect. It makes you think of them more.

 

You know you are over someone when you are in love with someone else, being 'with' someone else doesn't always mean in love.

  • Like 3
todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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It happened all the way back in July and I'm still hurting so bad. I'm doing the right things, no contact and all. But all I can think about is she imagined a life with me and compared it to a life with the guy she left me for, and chose him. It hurts. All the time. I'm keeping busy but it's impossible to do it 24/7.

 

Do people only truly heal when they find someone else? Or am I just pathetic?

 

 

 

all people are different i do tend to heal faster when i focus on someone else ...because i get devoted to knowing that person better........giving them my time that includes my thoughts........so yes for me i heal when i date someone else.......or get the interest in someone else .....one door shuts and another opens......the only way i can shut the door though is to not see the person who i have feelings for....visual reminders.......i have to have distance for me to move on....so no contact and seeing the person i am with..at the moment i fidn this difficult as the guy i am just getting to know is having a run of bad luck and the one i have feelings for is going to be hard for me to avoid....feels a bit like serendipity but ill get over it.......avoidance when i can and promoting new memories.........deb

  • Like 1
Mcnulty Established Member

Mcnulty

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It's like writing on 2 notepads, when you meet someone else...you're harking back to the first one, but feel the need to write in the 2nd.

 

You'll only write more in the second if that is what you feel you want to do.

 

I'm writing in 2 at the moment and the 2nd isn't as stimulating as the first sadly.

  • Like 1
radiodarcy Established Member

radiodarcy

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I have found that other people can definitely help in easing the pain of a break up. But not in a romantic sense.

 

One of the emotions I feel most acutely after a break up is loneliness. So I often find myself reaching out to friends, family, even acquaintances just to distract myself from the pain.

 

Don't get me wrong, I make sure I allow myself to feel the pain too. But I think just turning to other, platonic friendships is healthier than trying to seek out a more serious relationship.

 

In part because I know what it feels like to be used as a rebound. But also because I'm too hung up emotionally on him right now even think about developing feelings for someone else. Trying to ignite those feelings for someone else would make me miss the ex even more and just make me feel worse.

todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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It's like writing on 2 notepads, when you meet someone else...you're harking back to the first one, but feel the need to write in the 2nd.

 

You'll only write more in the second if that is what you feel you want to do.

 

I'm writing in 2 at the moment and the 2nd isn't as stimulating as the first sadly.

 

 

i like that analogy it is a thoughtful and deep one so simply written by you

 

 

 

..i think you also have to think about what the first notepad likes you to write in it....if it is the end that needs to be written write that ending with a flourish ....THE END.......

 

 

and if that number one notepad has no desire for you to write in it again

 

 

you close that and write in the note book number two that wants your signature in there...

 

 

 

any story written will only be as good as you can write if you write well it doesnt matter if the note book isnt attractive and its not the cover or the paper that matters

 

 

 

what is the most important is what is written inside by the hand that writes adn the emotion behind what is written

 

 

 

....because if you write like there is no other story with your time and effort than the one you are working on it can only be a beautiful write...draft away number two...yep i am not taking my meds...kidding ...maybe not.....i love your analogy struck a chord with me which means i am due to take my meds because i felt something akin to emotion and empathy......so back to zombieville for me..cheers...deb

  • Like 1
sambo77 Established Member

sambo77

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Do you have to be with someone else for it to stop hurting so much?

 

Only if the reason it's hurting so much is because you miss something that isn't unique to your ex (e.g., you loved being admired or needed by "another", you loved having a physical connection with "another", you loved having "somebody else").

 

The extent to which the initial relationship was about "your needs being met" and not about a deep love and appreciation for the specific person you split with will determine the extent to which another plugs the gap.

 

For some, "loving someone" means that the person is simply a petrol pump for various needs you deeply crave satisfaction of. It's less about them than you. In such cases, the person was never the genuine focus of your love...they were simply the vessel through which you received a dose of what you most crave (and really love).

 

If it was about the latter...sure, someone else will do the trick just fine. If it wasn't, then I doubt it.

  • Like 2
todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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Do you have to be with someone else for it to stop hurting so much?

 

Only if the reason it's hurting so much is because you miss something that isn't unique to your ex (e.g., you loved being admired or needed by "another", you loved having a physical connection with "another", you loved having "somebody else").

 

The extent to which the initial relationship was about "your needs being met" and not about a deep love and appreciation for the specific person you split with will determine the extent to which another plugs the gap.

 

For some, "loving someone" means that the person is simply a petrol pump for various needs you deeply crave satisfaction of. It's less about them than you. In such cases, the person was never the genuine focus of your love...they were simply the vessel through which you received a dose of what you most crave (and really love).

 

If it was about the latter...sure, someone else will do the trick just fine. If it wasn't, then I doubt it.

 

 

 

i dont feel this way ......that someone is a petrol pump......but when that person doesnt want you in his life anymore........then to me moving on isnt a crime.........its necessity.........and some people dont heal completely......just a fact everyone is different i think you have to know how you deal with things and do what is best for you ........ i have never viewed any male as a petrol pump....... iam empathic when it comes to hurting anyone......and to me that si a hurtful way to view someone.......for your own personal gain...but i do move on quicker ....when i am focused on a ane relationship i dont tend to dwell in the past ro revisit the memories i hold...because i am making new and beautiful ones.........deb

xpaperxcutx Established Member

xpaperxcutx

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I didn't jump right into another new relationship, I decided to make a new friends.

 

Yes, there was a void and at times i felt desperate to find just anyone to replace my ex during the breakup, but it would've been a disservice to myself. I also heard and read that it would be harder for a person to heal in the long-run.

 

Instead, I decided to talk to others more, to be more sociable and to expose myself to different experiences. I made new friends at school, I conversed with my co-workers, I participated in different events.

 

My ex came back, but I also have a social life now. And that's really what you need. Find people to share new experiences with and build new memories with. Eventually these will be enough to replace the person who left.

  • Like 2
Juha Established Member

Juha

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I have always just started casually dating right away while working through a break up. It works wonders as long as it's light and casual.

 

Date multiple girls and do not get serious, just go out and have fun and sex.

 

the ex will be a memory...

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