JustAnotherStranger Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 (edited) Hi all, So ever since my girlfriend dumped me, I've been lurking these forums. I finally decided to create an account today, so this is my inaugural post. Essentially, I haven't seen my ex-gf since the day she broke up with me, and I've spoken to her 3 times since then. The final call was at the end of the September. While most people were watching the final episode of Breaking Bad, I was having the final conversation with someone I held so dearly to my heart. Please, if you have the patience, read all of this. I just need someone's input; none of my friends have ever been in serious relationships before, so I'm at a loss as to who I should turn to with these types of lingering feelings. It happened at the beginning of September, quite unexpectedly. She had started acting a bit weird in mid-August, but I of course attributed this to new things going on in her life. I was right, but in more ways than I was aware of; she had met someone else, and ultimately chose him and her new friends over me. I am a junior in college now, and (let's call her) Mary and I started going out in March of my senior year of high school, her junior year. While I had been in 2 prior relationships in high school, one of which I lost my virginity in, Mary had never had a boyfriend before, and was still very much a virgin. We'd known each other since we were 11 or 12, and though we were more of acquaintances, we both were involved in the same school activities, e.g. we were in the same elite choir of 8 singers. She'd actually asked me to go to a dance with her that March, but I'd already accepted an offer from another girl who was interested in me, so I declined. However, I found myself more interested in Mary, so I asked her out to the movies, and from that day on we became a couple. In fact, were the type of lovey-dovey couple that was all over each other all the time. PDA to the max. After going to prom together, we made love for the first time... in my car. That wasn't very romantic, so we tried again the next day, in my bed I graduated and went to college about 85 minutes away, but despite some of the opportunities that presented themselves, I remained a loyal bf and we very quickly made the 1 year mark. She became a part of my family, with our little sisters being best friends, our parents meeting up, and my family even getting a kitten birthed from her favorite cat. We still have that kitten (now cat) today. I went on family trips, stayed at her house during the holidays, etc. 1 year became 2 years, and we were still going very strong. Throughout all of this, we never really fought at all. If we did, the "fights" were so minor that I don't even recall them. There would be times (usually that time of the month) where she would be more emotional than usual, and there were times when I would get very irritated (and not in a joking way) at little things she would do, but those were infrequent. Well, except until maybe towards the end of our relationship. This past summer, I was living at my college yet again because it was closer to the job that I got. The job was right outside of D.C., but every Friday I would drive in horrible traffic that took upwards of 3.5 hours. I would get a bit irritated because she would work on weekends, so I wouldn't even get to see her that much when I did come home. So I would get more irritated with her more than usual when I'd get home because 1.) I was tired, 2.) She was always working during the day, and 3.) Her parents would get angry at me if I stayed late/she stayed late at each other's houses (which honestly didn't always stop me). At times I thought about cutting it off, but I truly loved this girl, so I was willing to work things out. And things got better, or at least I thought. Mid-July, we went on her usual family vacation and things were stronger than ever. Mary would get a little annoyed with me because I would spend a bit too much time on the computer, but considering that's what I'm studying in school, I felt it to be acceptable . Of course, I had to leave a few days early due to work, but drove away feeling happier than ever. After this, Mary got really busy; she was a counselor at a camp, she went to Florida, and then she went back to her school for RA training. The last part is the most important. At first, Mary wasn't even supposed to be an RA; she was a backup, but got selected at the last second over the summer. I was very happy and proud of her, because I couldn't ever see myself being an RA. When she returned from that camp, I hadn't seen her in about 3 weeks (which isn't that abnormal, considering that would usually happen during finals week at college). Things seemed weird, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. She seemed slightly less enthusiastic than usual I guess, I don't really know. Sex was getting kind of boring. Maybe she faked orgasms, I'll never know. Towards September, I noticed that she wouldn't say "I love you" until I said it first. If I didn't say it, she wouldn't say it. I attributed all these behaviors to the stress of her new job as an RA because, well, that made the most sense at the time. Things got especially strange on the last day we ever hung out with each other. I visited her at her university, and we had planned to go the dinner tonight. However, instead, I had to sit in on auditions she was having for the club she was in. Like usual, I didn't really gel with her new friends. I actually tried hard this time, but for some reason they weren't particularly talkative towards me. I felt out of place, and it honestly bothered me. By this point I was fed up, and I was talking to Mary about why this always seems to be the case with her friends whereas she always seems to get along with mine. We laid on her bed and talked for a while, and I repeatedly would ask her if something was wrong. I noticed that our interests had diverged since we got to college, and I brought that to her attention. And then we slept for a wonderful 13-14 hours. We went to IHop the next morning, and honestly had a little hissy fit because it was hot, they were slow, and the line in front of us was very long. I have a loud voice, so Mary interpreted it as me trying to make a scene. I didn't really think much more of it after we had gotten our meal. The rest of the day went fine, we hugged, kissed, and I left. Then there was a period of 2-3 days where I, coincidentally, because we were both busy, didn't talk to her. I sent her a few grumpy texts because I was getting pissed that she was taking so long to respond to me, and it takes me less than 10 sec to send 1 text. The last text I sent to her said something along the lines of, "I have a feeling it's going to be like this the entire semester..." I was right. I called her on Saturday, and she told me that we needed to meet up and talk on the subsequent day. She wouldn't tell me what this was about, even though I bugged her for the longest time about it. It was, of course, that she was breaking up with me. We met up at our old high school, the same place we forged our bound. I was honestly quite fed up at the time; the meeting consisted of her essentially pointing out all of my various flaws, e.g. my acute irritability over seemingly minor things, the fact that I was always kind of awkward/aloof around her extended family and friends, how I had not grown up, etc. She gave me many other reasons as well, but most of them made little sense and were at times contradictory, so I shot them down. We were supposed to celebrate our 2.5 year anniversary later that week by going to the zoo, a fancy dinner, and then getting drunk, but she was uninterested. At some point, she told me that she always thought I loved her more than she loved me. In retrospect, I think that's hogwash, considering that up until August she would call me late at night to come over, even when would tell her I was too tired to. And with that last comment, I turned and headed to my car, never looking back. We didn't even hug. At first, I blocked her from facebook, deleted her #, got rid of all of the stuff she gave me, etc. The NC was short-lived though, and I couldn't take it anymore; after 10 days, I had to send her a text. We talked the next day, and I was feeling better, until I got her to admit that there was someone else in the picture. By that point, they had already had sex. This part is sadly funny, because her and I would always joke about her "ditching me for some other guy for some fresh dick." Of course, she said that she would never do such a thing! But she did. Her justification was, in reference to the amount of time we waited until we had sex, "Well, do you think we really would have waited that long if we were adults?" She was completely over me. I asked her if she'd go out with me for a final date to a nice restaurant, and then I could come over and we could do stuff like old times. She actually agreed! I was so happy! And then I learned that she had already brought this guy around her family (who I had gotten a lot closer with), essentially replacing me. In a brief, curt, 75 sec phone call, I told her it was off, and that she was a waste of my time. Around this time, I had contacted her parents, because we were close, and I honestly hadn't even seen them since like the end of July. They invited me over for dinner the subsequent week (sans my ex), and I accepted. A few days later, I got a call from ex apologizing to me. At first I missed the call, but I immediately called her back. I don't really remember what we talked about, but honestly the apology did not seem that genuine. At some point, I remarked how it sucked to be heartbroken. She told me that she had been heartbroken before as well; she was "in love" (i.e., a teenage crush) with her neighbor for years, but he would never date her or give her the time of day. I took that as a major insult; it's almost as if she never truly loved me. Dinner with her family was great. It was just like old times, just without Mary. I learned that her mother had to nag Mary to apologize to me, which would explain the lack of genuineness. I talked to both of her parents for a very long time, and they were quite sad to see me go. So that is my story. It's been a while since I've either talked to or laid eyes on my former beloved, but I think about her most of the day every day. Even days when I have other things on my mind, all it takes is a simple dream about her to renew my fixation. As for her new bf, he appears to be very outgoing, much like herself. Judging by some of the comments on his facebook photos (back before I removed my facebook), he seemed to be quite popular with the ladies, so even if he couldn't have Mary, he wouldn't have had any trouble getting someone else. Also, what kind of ******* knowingly steals a woman away from a positive, stable relationship? Until the day we broke up, her profile pic on facebook was of her and me, so he had to have known. I don't know what to do. I want to start dating again, but like I said, I'm not the most outgoing in the world, and I'm not attractive enough for girls to just gravitate towards me. I also have self esteem issues, which was often a topic of conversation in our relationship. I feel like I must make some drastic changes in myself, i.e. mature, become more outgoing, get in better shape, <insert generic change here>, but I really don't know anymore. Nearly every great memory I've had in the last 2-3 years has involved her in some way, even if my friends were also involved. This makes it very difficult for me to just simply stop thinking about or forget about her. When reminiscing with friends about awesome stuff we've done in college, concerts we've gone to, music we've performed, she's been there every step of the way. What we had was an amazing, nearly perfect relationship, and I knew it. I didn't take it for granted. Apparently she didn't feel the same way. Seriously, whatever was wrong with our relationship, was I not important enough to her for us to try and work things out? Am I really that much of a chump? She's replaced me. No break in intimacy or sex for her; life is great! For me, however, I feel alone. Edited November 21, 2013 by JustAnotherStranger
chris21422 Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 You are still young learn from this experience.. You did good blocking and removing her number and stuff but you should have just let her alone. you gave up after 10 days. She might be in a rebound right now. Live your life my friend. Don't contact her. Improve things in life job,school etc. If you guys had meaningful relationship she might come back but don't hope move on. 1
ks0985 Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 Sounds like she just wants to experience new things in life....dont be surprised When she reaches out to you. It will happen trust me. Just make sure you have the strenght to respect yourself enough not to take her back. Move forward and do the same as her, sleep with different women and enjoy being single. You say your not in shape right? Well get in shape, diet and nutrition is you're best friend. If she runs into you and youve hit the gym hard it will look good on you. Also confidence can be built up by working out hard and getting in shape.
xUnknown Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 Sounds like she just wants to experience new things in life....dont be surprised When she reaches out to you. It will happen trust me. Just make sure you have the strenght to respect yourself enough not to take her back. Move forward and do the same as her, sleep with different women and enjoy being single. You say your not in shape right? Well get in shape, diet and nutrition is you're best friend. If she runs into you and youve hit the gym hard it will look good on you. Also confidence can be built up by working out hard and getting in shape. KS0985 said everything correct, same with Chris. Work on yourself. Chances are, its a bit of GIGS. My story sounded much like your story, with the sex, lack of texting/communication, things being "off"...but then again, don't most breakups. I think in time, she'll contact you, as KS mentioned. It sounds like she wanted to try something new and used this guy as a rebound. I have a feeling I'll hear from my ex one way or another...but the question is "when?". I was in a 2 yr relationship and as you mentioned, shared many happy memories and she was there with me throughout the way, as I for her. Our life isn't over together, maybe as a relationship it is, but as friends - I can see that when I'm over her completely. I'm sure your ex will come back one way or another. As KS mentiond, stay strong...she hurt you, crushed you, doesn't love you...Don't accept that. Don't take her back.
Ftheeastcoast Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 Seems like you're a decent writer, find a way to get involved in your school paper and meet some new people. You need to get into new activities and meet new people. Life is about regenerating yourself and those who have that capability know how to truly appreciate life and the good times. Those who can't appreciate will become afraid, dependent and clingy to what brings them happiness because they can't create it for themselves. I know that sounds very grandiose, so just start with small things like appreciating the good around you. Start something new and soak up what it means to be a novice and energy you get from improving.
Author JustAnotherStranger Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 I'd like to express my gratitude to those of you who took the time to read my story, even if you only skimmed it. I've been trying to focus on and improve myself, and I've had some success, but I am in a very intense academic program at my university (Electrical & Computer Engineering Honors Program) where I'm usually swamped with the amount of schoolwork + studying I've had to do. For the first few weeks after my breakup, I became quite depressed and could not find the motivation to do much of anything that required me to sit by myself for hours on end, e.g. homework and studying. My grades have subsequently suffered. I have slightly below a 3.7 GPA (cumulative) right now, but I'll be lucky to pull off a high enough GPA to keep my full academic scholarships this semester. I am not going to fail anything, but it'll probably be a lot of B's with maybe an A or two. I've read about GIGS, but I'm not really sure if it applies in this case. There was no wishy-washiness on the day of our breakup. She had already made up her mind, and there was nothing that I could do to change it. The only reason she probably agreed to go out with me for a final time (which never happened of course) was because she either felt guilty or pitied me. Maybe this guy is a rebound, but I'm quite certain that he played in a major role in our sudden breakup. I don't think I made this clear in my writeup, but she met him at the camp she went to in August. She didn't start acting funny until after she went to that camp. Also, I got to meet a lot of her new friends except for him when I went down to her university because I think she purposely kept him away. Her new RA friends acted a bit strange towards me while I was there, which leads me to believe that they knew something that I didn't. Oh well, it doesn't really matter now. 1
Author JustAnotherStranger Posted December 3, 2013 Author Posted December 3, 2013 So, for those who care, an update: In the days following my inaugural thread, I actually began to feel much better. I wasn't thinking about her as much, though she always seemed to invade my dreams. I actually had a dream of us going on a family trip together, only for me to wake up and remember. Anyways, things were going great until I came home for Thanksgiving break. In the previous 2-3 years, I've been very busy and hanging out with not only my ex, but a lot of my other friends. I pretty much just stayed at home this break; it was a bit lonely. I had to clean my room out because I repainted it, and I of course stumbled upon some items that I had gifted by my ex over the years, including a wallet with her picture in it that I had intended to use, but lost in storage. In addition, my little sister is still best friends with her little sister, so I had to see the little sister over my house on Black Friday. Finally, even one of my damn cats came from her house, so it's difficult not to think of her when playing with it. This has placed a considerable damper on my mood. I try and I try each and every day to try not to fixate on her, but whenever I'm not busy my mind tends to wander. I try to fixate on her negative traits, but besides the fact that I got irritated by her over really stupid stuff, I come up short. She treated me very well. All I can think about is the mistakes that I've made in the relationship. Of course, I have self esteem and confidence problems, so it's always that way (focusing on mistakes that I've made rather than my success), but I keep coming to the conclusion that I must have been a horrible bf for her to just dump me for another guy and move on so quickly. Her new relationship, from what little I know, seems to be going very strong, and as far as I know (I blocked her number about 2 weeks ago), she's made no attempt to contact me since September when she made her "apology." I wish I would have never picked up the phone and called her back after I missed the call. I guess it's particularly rough on me because she probably thinks she's on top of the world right now, being an RA at her college with her single room, new RA boyfriend, her new RA friends, and her residents. She's already paraded him around her entire (huge) family. On the other hand, I have a very small social circle, and it can take me a while to really get close to someone, so the pain of an instantly severed connection runs deep. I also have a very small family; I don't think family gatherings have ever exceeded 10 people, and 4 of them are my immediate family. Now, of course, there's 1 less. How the hell do I get over her?
Armyguy123 Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 If shes willing to drop and replace you with this "new guy" and parade him around shes trying to prove to herself she made the right decision. Dude, F**K her! My situation is similar minus the new guy. Ex dumped me seemingly out of blue and crushed me after 2 years (junionr/senior year) being inseperable. If a girl can just dump you like a used good, shes not worth it in the end. You have to tell yourself in the end you'll be fine. It took me 4 months to get here. Its not an easy battle but the sooner you start the sooner you get to content, not over her but functioning again. Girls who do this always regret it in the end. My good friends ex cheated on him, dumped him. Then got dumped herself a few months later by this rebound. I was friends with his ex and she regrets it to this day, and has tried once or twice a year to get back with him. He has remained strong and has said no!. I haven't had the courage, up onto about now but if my ex came back around I think I'd tell her to go F**k herself! (sorry Im a soldier bad language is a habit) Stay strong. Here's my advice. 1. Hit the gym, girls will notice results, and endorphins will give you confidence and a temporary escape. 2. Hang out with your guy friends, but dont talk to them about breakup. Rekindle old bros who you probably neglected during relationship. (for me it was Army compatriots, and fraternity brothers) 3. Find one or more of your girl friends to talk about the break up. Girls love to talk about that sh*t, guys don't. But don't smother her with it. 4. Seek professional help if any of the following is affected; sleep, eating, thought control, anxiety, energy, motivation. (I suffered all of those for 4 months, and I'm an officer and a leader of soldiers, seeking help is a sign of personal courage and being proactive not weakness, I have been in therapy for 4 months) 5. Don't find a rebound it will make you feel worse, don't get revenge, just don't force anything with any other girls until your emotionally ready and available. (i slept with a girl a week after and I embarrassed myself during, I am a stud in the sack and this was by far my worst performance ever.) 6. Most importantly; press forward, don't let this define you and hold you back. Don't skip class, don't skip studying, and don't let your health slip away, or abuse substances. Keep fighting bro. This is all about you now. Like I said before Screw her! (you need to get that mindset, took me 4 months of defending my ex while she moved on, hoping she'd come back) HUGE WARNING: My ex contacted me out of no where 3 months out and wanted to try to get back together, and admitted to me it was all her fault. We talked for 2 weeks but I never really trusted her, and it was hard to bc of the pain she caused. We set up a first date, and it was set to be awesome. 3 days before she called it off out of the blue again and I have not spoke to her since. That lesson was learned really freaking hard. Lesson being, don't do anything, don't talk to her, don't look at her facebook, don't talk to her friends. Make her feel the loss, anything that is not her physically trying to move a mountain to get you back is Bullsh*t and her trying to rid herself of guilt. Its so clear to me now it sucks; I got all the warnings on this site too; the "Hey!, how are you doing?"s, "Are you doing ok?", "I want to be friends", and my least favorite; "I don't want you to hate me". If I could go back with my mindset now I'd laugh at my ex and tell her nothing. Post breakup; I turned negative into positive, I lost 15 lbs and put 10 lbs of muscle on. I am much healthier, and now have girls actively seeking me. By forcing myself to go to the gym and making it a habit. Try to get the motivation to be that guy that makes people go WOAH, he went from this to that....damn. I truly feel for your loss as many of us have gone through the same thing Stay strong, LT
Author JustAnotherStranger Posted December 3, 2013 Author Posted December 3, 2013 Thanks for the kind words. I've always been pretty scrawny, so really the only physical outlet I've had is running. I actually was a pretty fast runner in high school, and I still routinely lap people on the track on my longer runs, even after not running for weeks. One source of contention in our relationship is that I wanted us to both be in good shape, but she was never really willing to put forth a consistent effort in terms of exercising. Her family is big, and though she was definitely the skinniest one by far, still at a healthy weight, she was starting to gain weight in college. I was afraid that she would blimp. All she ever tried was stupid little diets that never achieved much, though I of course supported her in them. It's time to get in the best shape of my life, even better than my #1 varsity runner in high school days.
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