Brown-Eyez Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 I've been chatting with this guy on POF... he wants to meet me for drinks i told him I'd feel more comfortable if we at least spoke on the phone first but he just replied back that he'd rather just meet for drinks at a local place any thoughts on what i should do?
NTRDR Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 I've been chatting with this guy on POF... he wants to meet me for drinks i told him I'd feel more comfortable if we at least spoke on the phone first but he just replied back that he'd rather just meet for drinks at a local place any thoughts on what i should do? Very simple really, YOU want to chat on the phone right? Well... if he's not going to respect that, you think he's going to respect any of your other wishes down the line? So many fish on POF why would you even deal with that? NEXT 4
Author Brown-Eyez Posted November 21, 2013 Author Posted November 21, 2013 Very simple really, YOU want to chat on the phone right? Well... if he's not going to respect that, you think he's going to respect any of your other wishes down the line? So many fish on POF why would you even deal with that? NEXT that's what I thought! thanks!!
Keenly Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 Very simple really, YOU want to chat on the phone right? Well... if he's not going to respect that, you think he's going to respect any of your other wishes down the line? So many fish on POF why would you even deal with that? NEXT How is his desire to meet in person not equally as valid? Some people, like myself, are bad on the phone. Some people, like myself, are also absolutely terrible at interacting with new people, and I need a drink to ease the nerves. Then again, he could just be looking for something else. I don't know. I can only speak for me . 1
FitChick Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 Some people, like myself, are bad on the phone. Some people, like myself, are also absolutely terrible at interacting with new people, and I need a drink to ease the nerves. So drink while you're on the phone. 3
Keenly Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 So drink while you're on the phone. I need eye contact. 1
Author Brown-Eyez Posted November 21, 2013 Author Posted November 21, 2013 How is his desire to meet in person not equally as valid? Some people, like myself, are bad on the phone. Some people, like myself, are also absolutely terrible at interacting with new people, and I need a drink to ease the nerves. Then again, he could just be looking for something else. I don't know. I can only speak for me . that might be for you... but if the girl directly says she'd be more comfortable with initial phone contact shouldn't that be respected? or at least explained why you don't want to talk on the phone? 1
deathandtaxes Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 Blah blah talking on the phone. So impersonal. As bad as texts when you don't really know the person. I see phone talking so early as wasting valuable time that could be better spent talking in person. And all the ladies I've talked with on the phone first from OLD? Never met them in person. So **** that ****.
nomadic_butterfly Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 I've been chatting with this guy on POF... he wants to meet me for drinks i told him I'd feel more comfortable if we at least spoke on the phone first but he just replied back that he'd rather just meet for drinks at a local place any thoughts on what i should do? Let's put it this way, I promise to the stars the worst online dates I have had have been when I skipped the phone part and went straight to the date. As a matter of fact, even if I swap #s with a guy on the street, before we go out I HAVE TO talk on the phone first to screen them. I have basic but fundamental questions I ask to see if it is even worth my (our) time and I can also gauge certain things like flow of conversation. I find it weird he would object to a phone call. Do what suits you. I personally don't view it as a waste b/c many have been "sifted out" from phone calls and I am pretty discerning. I am not saying I want to chat a hundred times or for a month before meeting but until at least we develop some kind of rapport and it has always made the actual date easier with the ice broken and gave me (us) more to talk about. Different strokes different folks. 4
Author Brown-Eyez Posted November 21, 2013 Author Posted November 21, 2013 Let's put it this way, I promise to the stars the worst online dates I have had have been when I skipped the phone part and went straight to the date. As a matter of fact, even if I swap #s with a guy on the street, before we go out I HAVE TO talk on the phone first to screen them. I have basic but fundamental questions I ask to see if it is even worth my (our) time and I can also gauge certain things like flow of conversation. I find it weird he would object to a phone call. Do what suits you. I personally don't view it as a waste b/c many have been "sifted out" from phone calls and I am pretty discerning. I am not saying I want to chat a hundred times or for a month before meeting but until at least we develop some kind of rapport and it has always made the actual date easier with the ice broken and gave me (us) more to talk about. Different strokes different folks. this^ is exactly my strategy as well and it's worked great in the past so I think I'll just continue with "screening" calls.. thank you for the helpful thoughts! 3
Author Brown-Eyez Posted November 21, 2013 Author Posted November 21, 2013 And all the ladies I've talked with on the phone first from OLD? Never met them in person. So **** that ****. maybe they were screening you.. and both of you dodged a bullet. OLD is exhausting why make it worse by putting so much effort out to meet someone when you can guage basic compatibility over the phone?? 2
deathandtaxes Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 maybe they were screening you.. and both of you dodged a bullet. OLD is exhausting why make it worse by putting so much effort out to meet someone when you can guage basic compatibility over the phone?? Because I live minutes away from several great watering holes. But that's just my preference. And I think the one's I didn't go out to meet probably had other guys anyways. The thing is - the vast majority of communication is NOT VERBAL. There is so much missed on the phone, and WAY WAY more missed via text than can be assessed within a few minutes of meeting somebody. So I guess I do dodge a bullet if that screens ME out. And I like to go out and have a beer. Online dating. Meh. It is exhausting. I do it in fits. Too much work. Not enough reward.
Zahara Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 I've done the phone chatting before meeting someone. Waste of time to me because when you're meeting in person, it is a totally different dynamic. So, here I've wasted all this time talking, getting excited about our phone conversations and then come face to face, it wasn't quite what I expected. Maybe his mannerisms turned me off, the way he was eyeing women that walked by our table, etc. I'd rather cut to the chase. Meet in person. Best way to start the screening process. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 Both points of view are equal valid but the fact that you hold different ones shows early on that you are not compatible. As a woman I would never meet a man in person off OLD that I had not spoken to on the phone. It's a safety issue. I don't need to have a whole elaborate on line or phone relationship but seriously, we can't have a 10 minute chat as we set up the when & where? 4
nomadic_butterfly Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 maybe they were screening you.. and both of you dodged a bullet. OLD is exhausting why make it worse by putting so much effort out to meet someone when you can guage basic compatibility over the phone?? Everyone clearly doesn't have the same kinds of skills. Some people like us are very good at Skyping/phoning and feeling it out. Others are not. I think there are no absolutes and we should do what suits us. I don't like when someone rushes me and MY process that works FOR ME. If screening has been successful thus far, then do it. He needs to compromise. It's not like you are asking for his social security number and it might save the two of you time and money should it be revealed on the phone/Skype nothing is there. I have only regretted it when I caved in to some man's request to get to it before breaking the ice and feeling it out via Skype (prefer it b/c then I can see if pic is up-to-date, mannerisms, etc.).
Zahara Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 As a woman I would never meet a man in person off OLD that I had not spoken to on the phone. It's a safety issue. Curious about what you said. How would you determine if it's safe to meet someone just by talking on the phone? People can say anything to make you comfortable, whether over the phone or in-person. Example, I had a girlfriend that spoke to a guy for a month on the phone and online and on their fourth date, while being intimate for the first time he became forceful and violent. And if you are meeting someone in a public place, how would you be jeopardizing your safety?
nomadic_butterfly Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 Blah blah talking on the phone. So impersonal. As bad as texts when you don't really know the person. I see phone talking so early as wasting valuable time that could be better spent talking in person. And all the ladies I've talked with on the phone first from OLD? Never met them in person. So **** that ****. How is TALKING DIRECTLY impersonal ? Texting absolutely. I can't stand when someone wants to text incessantly but never speak on the phone. Give me a break. It is only "valuable time" if it is a decent/good time which might be determined via Skype. If someone ONLY wants to talk on the phone that is different. I need to talk at least two times usually in 30min increments before I will meet. So far so good. A lot of guys have been eliminated this way. The only time I'd agree to meet a bit sooner is if we were liaising online for a while with more in depth emails. I don't want to meet BEFORE it is established we have enough in common, I get good vibes from you via Skype and our conversation is naturally fluid. Bringing up a previous discussion topic from the phone in person and expounding usually breaks the ice easily. "So you said you traveled three months through South America? Wow. What were the highlights of that adventure?" Stuff like that.
Keenly Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 Curious about what you said. How would you determine if it's safe to meet someone just by talking on the phone? People can say anything to make you comfortable, whether over the phone or in-person. Example, I had a girlfriend that spoke to a guy for a month on the phone and online and on their fourth date, while being intimate for the first time he became forceful and violent. And if you are meeting someone in a public place, how would you be jeopardizing your safety? One song by my favorite band has a quote that resonates well with this "Killers never hurt feelings"
nomadic_butterfly Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 Curious about what you said. How would you determine if it's safe to meet someone just by talking on the phone? People can say anything to make you comfortable, whether over the phone or in-person. Example, I had a girlfriend that spoke to a guy for a month on the phone and online and on their fourth date, while being intimate for the first time he became forceful and violent. And if you are meeting someone in a public place, how would you be jeopardizing your safety? I mean I know someone who had a friend for ages who told her he liked her and just as they started, he raped her and during her resistance he stabbed her. No guarantees in life but sometimes things like mental instability can be detected via the phone i.e. someone's reactions to thing, reasoning ability, tone, demeanor, inflections, attitude, etc. that might not be detected in black and white on the computer screen. I also have staple questions I ask diplomatically that let me know if it is a waste. For me it's not so much safety as much as feeling out the other person. I am discerning and this usually works well for me. It might not be the same for others. I have never met a guy who objected though. And the pushy guys that I gave into weren't the best dates and we usually had the least to talk about or I might have found out we are night and day in demeanor, sense of humor, etc.
Zahara Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 I mean I know someone who had a friend for ages who told her he liked her and just as they started, he raped her and during her resistance he stabbed her. No guarantees in life but sometimes things like mental instability can be detected via the phone i.e. someone's reactions to thing, reasoning ability, tone, demeanor, inflections, attitude, etc. that might not be detected in black and white on the computer screen. I also have staple questions I ask diplomatically that let me know if it is a waste. For me it's not so much safety as much as feeling out the other person. I am discerning and this usually works well for me. It might not be the same for others. I have never met a guy who objected though. And the pushy guys that I gave into weren't the best dates and we usually had the least to talk about or I might have found out we are night and day in demeanor, sense of humor, etc. I think it's much easier to detect abnormal social cues in person than over the phone. And speaking of staple questions, it can be very scripted over the phone and sometimes you get to hear what you want to hear. I find that being face to face allows me to gauge the person's reaction i.e. can't make eye contact, fidgeting, nervousness, etc. when I pose a question. But that's just me. Nothing wrong with people doing things that make them feel comfortable and safe within the confines of the dating process. 1
nomadic_butterfly Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 I think it's much easier to detect abnormal social cues in person than over the phone. And speaking of staple questions, it can be very scripted over the phone and sometimes you get to hear what you want to hear. I find that being face to face allows me to gauge the person's reaction i.e. can't make eye contact, fidgeting, nervousness, etc. when I pose a question. But that's just me. Nothing wrong with people doing things that make them feel comfortable and safe within the confines of the dating process. I usually Skype though :-). So it is like face to face and I can detect all that you've mentioned. But anyway. different strokes, different folks :-)
Zahara Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 I usually Skype though :-). So it is like face to face and I can detect all that you've mentioned. But anyway. different strokes, different folks :-) Skype? Us old folks are way behind the times! 1
Phantom888 Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 A man's strategy to hide flaws would be to get a drink with you and get you buzzed a bit. You tend to be less critical and careful when there is alcohol involved. Also, he wouldn't have to spring for a whole dinner in case he doesn't find you attractive. So most guys who want to meet for a drinks on 1st date are really playing the field, and not dating material. If he doesn't want to talk on the phone first, he has much to hide. As stated earlier, you can feel a person's vibes via phone conversation. There is some chemistry that can be detected through chatting, and you can get a sense of his personality. When my woman and I first met on Match, she wanted to chat on the phone before our 1st date. I called her, and we ended up chatting for 3 hours straight! We had so much in common, and the conversation kept rolling. It was wonderful. We both agreed that this is definitely a good sign....now we just have to be have physical/sexual chemistry when we meet, so let's pray. 1
Zahara Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 A man's strategy to hide flaws would be to get a drink with you and get you buzzed a bit. You tend to be less critical and careful when there is alcohol involved. Also, he wouldn't have to spring for a whole dinner in case he doesn't find you attractive. So most guys who want to meet for a drinks on 1st date are really playing the field, and not dating material. If he doesn't want to talk on the phone first, he has much to hide. As stated earlier, you can feel a person's vibes via phone conversation. There is some chemistry that can be detected through chatting, and you can get a sense of his personality. When my woman and I first met on Match, she wanted to chat on the phone before our 1st date. I called her, and we ended up chatting for 3 hours straight! We had so much in common, and the conversation kept rolling. It was wonderful. We both agreed that this is definitely a good sign....now we just have to be have physical/sexual chemistry when we meet, so let's pray. I don't drink on dates, especially a first. But I can see how drinks can be used as a manipulation tactic.
Babolat Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 I've been chatting with this guy on POF... he wants to meet me for drinks i told him I'd feel more comfortable if we at least spoke on the phone first but he just replied back that he'd rather just meet for drinks at a local place any thoughts on what i should do? Easy answer, if you need to talk on the phone to feel more comfy/secure/safe, than that's what you need, demand it. require it, end of story. I had a OLD girl recently who I could tell did not like to text, so she called me. We talked, about 15 minutes, she said she just wanted to hear my voice and hear that I was normal. That was her "rule" and I was OK with it.
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