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Why is it so hard to let go, despite knowing they're never coming back?

burrito

By burrito
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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burrito Member

burrito

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My ex broke up with me two weeks ago. I feel like I'm over it, and I've accepted she's never returning. She said she no longer cares for me, doesn't want to talk to me again, and doesn't want to stay friends. By her telling me that, it has allowed me to accept reality a little better. But even though I know I'll never see or hear from her again, I still think of her everyday, every hour. Some days I'm completely fine, and others, I just feel so sad.

 

My question is why is it so hard to let go even though we know our ex is never coming back? Don't get me wrong, I'm not clinging to false hope or anything, but it just puzzles me. Why do we miss someone who clearly doesn't miss or care about us? Why do we care so much about what that person is doing or what he or she is thinking, knowing that they are not thinking about us and has moved on? I wish I could just not feel anything for her anymore and move on just as easily as she did.

 

If the question makes no sense whatsoever, sorry :/ I guess it's kind of a rhetorical question, but I just want some opinions. I have no one else to talk to, about the way I'm feeling, anyway. Thanks for any replies

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organizedchaos Established Member

organizedchaos

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My ex broke up with me two weeks ago. I feel like I'm over it, and I've accepted she's never returning. She said she no longer cares for me, doesn't want to talk to me again, and doesn't want to stay friends. By her telling me that, it has allowed me to accept reality a little better. But even though I know I'll never see or hear from her again, I still think of her everyday, every hour. Some days I'm completely fine, and others, I just feel so sad.

 

My question is why is it so hard to let go even though we know our ex is never coming back? Don't get me wrong, I'm not clinging to false hope or anything, but it just puzzles me. Why do we miss someone who clearly doesn't miss or care about us? Why do we care so much about what that person is doing or what he or she is thinking, knowing that they are not thinking about us and has moved on? I wish I could just not feel anything for her anymore and move on just as easily as she did.

 

If the question makes no sense whatsoever, sorry :/ I guess it's kind of a rhetorical question, but I just want some opinions. I have no one else to talk to, about the way I'm feeling, anyway. Thanks for any replies

 

Because it's only been two weeks. It takes time.

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Sugarkane Established Member

Sugarkane

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I find it because the dumper often doesn't communicate at all and just blindsides you and cuts you off.

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Kansas87 Established Member

Kansas87

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Because love, that's why.

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Raena Established Member

Raena

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I think it is completely normal to feel the way you are feeling. Just try not to let it consume you. Keep busy as much as you can. Only time will help, and the amount of time that it will take for you is for you alone to decide or figure out.

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Canadiangirl78 Established Member

Canadiangirl78

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And also because we are only human..if it were only that easy to stop loving someone...if it were, none of us would be here

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ks0985 Established Member

ks0985

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Hang in there bud, give it time things will smooth over you will get over things. Some people heal quicker than others. Been 9 days for me and i feel like im well on the way to full recovery over mine.

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burrito Member

burrito

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Thanks for replying, guys. I have been keeping busy, I've been going to class and I'll be starting at a new job soon. It just bums me out that I'm still thinking of her.

LDRdumped Member

LDRdumped

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Hi Burrito,

 

I'm 2.5 months post BU and I still think about her but I don't pine over her anymore.

 

It will get better. If she tries to contact you or sends you breadcrumbs..IGNORE..it will be good for you.

 

It takes time...like what others here are telling you, get busy.

 

One thing I did when I got dumped was to talk to my closest female friends (I'm a guy btw). If you have someone who can listen to you(that is if you want to talk about it) it will help you a great deal.

 

Things will get better. I promise you that.

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Jules78 Established Member

Jules78

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Hang in there bud, give it time things will smooth over you will get over things. Some people heal quicker than others. Been 9 days for me and i feel like im well on the way to full recovery over mine.

 

 

How long were y'all together? 9 days?? Geez that seems like no time. I can't even imagine!

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organizedchaos Established Member

organizedchaos

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Hang in there bud, give it time things will smooth over you will get over things. Some people heal quicker than others. Been 9 days for me and i feel like im well on the way to full recovery over mine.

 

I think you're in for a rude awakening soon. First week or two I was like, eff her! Then it hits you. It's a roller coaster.

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Stay Established Member

Stay

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You will have your ups and downs, as much as you think you're over her you're not completely over her yet. Meet someone new, hang out with friends, just don't get into anything serious. They will make you forget about everything.

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burrito Member

burrito

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LDRdumped, thanks for the advice and link. I'm gonna read through it.

 

I have been talking to friends (most of them are girls). It sucks, I'll forget her completely when I'm accompanied by friends or family but as soon as it's time to go to sleep or I'm alone studying or trying to watch TV, she pops up in my head. Also, I'm fine today and tomorrow I'm an emotional wreck again..Like everyone is saying, it takes time and I'll have my ups and downs :/

 

I'm trying to push her out of my head. Again, thanks for the advice guys. It's very helpful

LDRdumped Member

LDRdumped

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No problem.

 

We're all on the same boat here.

 

Yeah, it usually sucks when you're alone. Sometimes no matter how hard you try you can't get your ex out of your head.

 

I was a mess until around 6 weeks after getting dumped. I lost a lot of weight I smoked a lot. I had lots of unfinished things at the office...but after that I got thinking...WTH am I doing to myself????? Why would I destroy myself for someone who no longer cares????

 

So I began thinking only of myself. I should get better. I should eat and stop smoking.

 

Don't worry about being selfish right now. You have to focus on you...

 

I joined a gym two weeks ago and started working out. I have gained a couple of pounds back which is encouraging. I still have about 12lbs to gain back. :mad:

 

I have also completely stopped smoking. I'm on my 24th day of being nicotine free. YAy!!!

 

So, what I'm basically saying is things will get better in time. So, hang in there.

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sunmaid2010 New Member

sunmaid2010

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I met my ex (I’ll call him ex because he asked for “time and space” while I was on an extended vacation in the US in 2011. I live in a different country. We hit it off instantly. He is a Gemini, working as school administrator and he does counseling for children. He is divorced, with a teenage son. He has good relations with his ex wife.

 

We first got to know each other thru an internet dating site while I was on vacation. We decided to meet, with me flying over to his place. We hit it off instantly. I’ve met his son, his ex and his friends. They were all very nice to me and liked and loved me for him.

 

Then I had to leave the US to return to my country and we promised to hold on to our relationship. Even oceans apart, we manage to keep our relationship. Although, December 2012, I caught him going back to the dating website where we met. He said he did not mean to date anyone but he was pretty lonely and he wanted to know if I was the one for him. He asked for forgiveness which I gave him,

 

This year, 2013, I went back to the US for a visit. I stayed at his place for the duration of my vacation. I am friends with his ex and his son and all of his friends. And in some occasions I feel that he is pressured because his friends and his son kept on asking when we are going to marry.

 

We never had any argument, whether big or small. We are happy together, we always laugh and we do things together like walking, exercising, going on countryside trips, cleaning his house and his garden, cook together. We have good conversations, we can discuss almost anything under the sun. I give him his “alone time” as he respects mine too.

 

But as a Gemini, he is what we some would call a “chick magnet”, he likes having female friends. While I do not want him to lose his friends, I sometimes feel that he prioritize his friends over me. We have a healthy discussion about this and he explained why he does this. And I tried to understand that he is generally a nice guy with big heart for anyone in need.

 

While I was still in the US, we discussed our situation. He said that ours is a difficult situation because it is a long distance relationship. He said that the ideal scenario is for me to live there independently and we date. But I said that when he pursued me, he knew our situation. He said that he did not want to be pressured into marrying me And I said that I was not pressuring him at all. We actually planned for me to study there and continue with our relationship.

 

The time has come for me to return to my country. On the day of my departure, he said that if I cannot visit him in December then he would visit me in the summer (June) and that I should come with him when he return to the US.

 

So I went back to my country, resumed my work because if I were to go schooling In the US I wanted to have some money and not be financially dependent on him.

For the last 3 months we have been in constant communication. Knowing that his son stays with his mom more than he stays with him, and he being alone most of the time, I saw to it that I would text him in the morning and in the evening. I thought I would keep the communication constant and for him not to feel totally alone.

 

Almost 2 weeks ago, he suddenly asked for “some space” to think if he is “ready for marriage”., if he is ready to marry me, since we cannot continue “just visiting each other. But this is after we made plans for summer. He said I “perfect” and that there is nothing wrong with me but it was him who has a problem.. that he has issues with marriage. He said that he married his ex-wife only when she got herself pregnant, and the other woman whom he had a long relationship also tried to force him to marry him so that is why they broke up.

 

I told him that I never put a pressure on him. In fact I was thinking of ways to be with him. Of course, I did try to convince him that we were good together, and enumerated my traits and qualities. I know this sound desperate, and I shouldn’t have done that. But despite of the shock and pain I felt, I still tried to understand him. I gave him the “space “ he asked for. I wrote him a letter stating that I support his desire for a Space, reminded him of our good times together, that I do not want to beg him because I want to keep my dignity, and assured him that I love him. I closed my letter stating that I hope he finds his way back to me in time.

 

He said it was a “break up but only different”, akin to a cooling off period. But when I asked for the parameters , he just said that he will be sure of his feelings by summer, that we can still communicate and text each other with friendly texts, and that he has no interest in meeting other women during this period.

 

I do not know what to make of this. It seems to be that he is just readying me to a final break up. He still says that he loves me and asked me to bear with him for his inconsistent behavior. He just needed to be sure if he wants/or ready to be married.

 

I try to make excuses for what he is undergoing. He definitely feels pressured at work, and maybe feels pressured by his friends constantly asking us about our status. I am also aware that he probably feels sad during this period because it is holiday season and he is there and I am here. I do believe he loves me, but I am not sure now if he is still in love with me despite him saying so.

 

I initiated a no contact rule the day after we broke up/cooled off (November 5). A catastrophe hit my country and yet despite of that he did not send me a message. I broke off the NC when I texted him about the tragedy in my country. He said he was very worried about me and he tried texting (viber) but that the messages wouldn’t go through. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, even though I felt so sad that he couldn’t bring himself to ask my situation on a time like this.

 

It’s been 9 days of no communication between us. I tried to resist sending him messages. Whenever I have the urge to send him a viber message, I would turn off my phone. I threw myself into exercising and volunteering for relief operations in our country. I tried to make myself busy but at the end of the day, I still think of and miss him a lot.

 

I know that I love this man, and even if I understood and supported his desire for a break, I fear that we will drift apart because he refused to contact me. He is a counselor, and I am sure he knows this NC rule, and is probably using it against me too. He is a Gemini and I know that people under this sign is vey stubborn and they have really big ego/pride, and I think he won’t contact me because of this. Gemini man has a tendency to be bored easily, although I know that if he is going to be bored of me it was because of our distance and not my nature.

 

I don’t know what to do this time. I love him and I really want for us to work on this relationship but he seems to have quit without even trying. I sometimes feel that I m the only one doing everything to keep our relationship going. It seems he only likes things/relationships to be somewhat easy. Of course nobody wanted a complicated relationship, but if he jumps bail his early, then how can I rely on him when the relationship gets into a really tough time in the future (if there is even a future). I know I shouldn’t feel this way but Ive always believed that when you are with the right person, it just gets better in time, and that if he is happy with me then he wouldn’t question his feelings or desire to commit to me.

 

 

Does the 8-month cooling off period , really a cooling off period? Or is this his way of saying it is a final break up? He has always been vocal with me, but im not sure this time around if he is just softening the blow for me. I don’t want to give up on him and I want to give our relationship a chance because I believe God did not allow us to go this far without any plan for us.

 

Is the NC rule advantageous in our "cool off" period? What really hurts is we never had any problem before this.

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burrito Member

burrito

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Sunmaid2010,

 

I read your story, and that really makes me sad because my ex and I were long distance, and she told me the exact thing. She told me she needed time to think, though your situation is a little different. Your ex is asking for 8 months of "cooling off". He genuinely could need time to calm down and think to himself, and he'll get back to you after that time.

 

But...I honestly don't think he's coming back. The way I see it, if the person needs time to think if they love us anymore, chances they don't. When you love someone, you don't need to second guess yourself. You know automatically. My ex was the most caring person I've ever met. She suddenly told me she needed time to think to herself, but she didn't give a time frame like your ex did. After three weeks, she finally got back to me, telling me it was over. She broke up with me on Nov 6 (a day after you initiated NC). Also, 8 months is a very long time. Since you said he has a lot of lady friends, he likely has his eye on one and time will only give him a chance with one of them. I'm not an expert or anything. Just from what happened to me, I think he's letting you down easy or really needs time.

 

I wouldn't wait for him though...waiting makes the situation worse. He won't initiate contact. He'll live his life and will be fine without talking to you.. again, that's what happened to me. During the time my ex needed time, she posted pictures on Instagram, FB, etc, showing what a good time she was having. The time she needed just let her know that she no longer needed me. That was my situation though.

 

Those are my 2 cents. Do what you feel you should do.

singme2sleep Established Member

singme2sleep

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And also because we are only human..if it were only that easy to stop loving someone...if it were, none of us would be here

 

Most dumpers seem to do it like it's the easiest thing in the world!

  • Like 3
xUnknown Established Member

xUnknown

Posted
Posted
My ex broke up with me two weeks ago. I feel like I'm over it, and I've accepted she's never returning. She said she no longer cares for me, doesn't want to talk to me again, and doesn't want to stay friends. By her telling me that, it has allowed me to accept reality a little better. But even though I know I'll never see or hear from her again, I still think of her everyday, every hour. Some days I'm completely fine, and others, I just feel so sad.

 

My question is why is it so hard to let go even though we know our ex is never coming back? Don't get me wrong, I'm not clinging to false hope or anything, but it just puzzles me. Why do we miss someone who clearly doesn't miss or care about us? Why do we care so much about what that person is doing or what he or she is thinking, knowing that they are not thinking about us and has moved on? I wish I could just not feel anything for her anymore and move on just as easily as she did.

 

If the question makes no sense whatsoever, sorry :/ I guess it's kind of a rhetorical question, but I just want some opinions. I have no one else to talk to, about the way I'm feeling, anyway. Thanks for any replies

 

She's thinking about you. They all do after a breakup. I don't recall how long you two have been together, but a person can't just "forget" the relationship, especially if it is so recent. Sure, years down the road you may "forget", but not initially after a breakup. I'm sure shes hurting just like you, she just wanted to come off hard/angry towards you. Anger is an easier emotion to deal with...

I think you're in for a rude awakening soon. First week or two I was like, eff her! Then it hits you. It's a roller coaster.

 

Yep. Chaos is right. First 2 weeks of the NC "break" I was like screw her...then 2 weeks after BU, I was the same....when that 4th/5th week hit, it all changed around where I missed her and wanted her back. It was only until yesterday where I started feeling a bit better about things. It takes time. My father always told me, "the emotions come in waves, like a ripple in the water after throwing a stone. They'll come and go, but eventually, they'll become less painful and less frequent".

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LadyM Established Member

LadyM

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I think it is grossly unfair that he's asking you to wait eight months for his decision. Heck, during that time you could be over him and on to the next fella who will love you without an iota of hesitation.

 

Don't make excuses for him. Rather, excuse him from the relationship and move on.

 

Try to find someone else who will adore you, because he doesn't. If in fact he does come back in eight months, and you are alone, you can consider his offer then, but for now, he has nothing to offer you except for you to waste your precious time waiting for a man who is likely to ultimately reject you.

 

A couple should not need a cooling off period so early in the relationship. That is a big sign of trouble and that one party simply is not as invested as the other. When you love someone, you want contact with them and he is not interested in communicating with you.

 

He truly is giving you every sign he is not interested in a relationship with you. You said it seems like he's quit without even trying. See, deep down you know this relationship, as much as you want it, is not meant to be.

 

I imagine all this sounds harsh to you, it's just that you deserve better and life is too short and time too precious to waste on someone who is not interested.

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Haydn Established Member

Haydn

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Star signs do not make the person. Stay NC with this trickster.

me85 Established Member

me85

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I find it because the dumper often doesn't communicate at all and just blindsides you and cuts you off.

 

 

Could not agree with this more.

 

I'm the better person. & I know this. Because I respected him enough to always try to talk and work stuff out. He, however, did not.

 

Total immaturity on his part. He even went as far as saying "goodbye" thru a FB message.

 

DOUCHE.

  • Like 2
xUnknown Established Member

xUnknown

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OP, Its hard to see that they do think about you and miss you when they were so cold just to end it. Believe me, I've been/am there. I had to convince myself that was the fact, but you know your ex...you know what I'm sure shes feeling deep down. After everything you've been through they always do. I'm sure your ex is contemplating weather they made the "right" decision. But this is the time you have to be selfish...they were selfish..now its your turn.

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burrito Member

burrito

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Thanks for replying, xUnknown.

 

I understand what you're saying, but I honestly don't think she cares or thinks about me...she hasn't blocked me on any social networks and when I log on sometimes, all I see is her having the time of her life. I don't want her to be miserable but she clearly is happy without me. I just wish I could be like her, move on without looking back.

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xUnknown Established Member

xUnknown

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Thanks for replying, xUnknown.

 

I understand what you're saying, but I honestly don't think she cares or thinks about me...she hasn't blocked me on any social networks and when I log on sometimes, all I see is her having the time of her life. I don't want her to be miserable but she clearly is happy without me. I just wish I could be like her, move on without looking back.

 

Log onto facebook and if you can't unfriend/block her...go to her page and put her on restricted, block her stuff from showing up on your feed, and undo that "star"/close acquaintances thing they have now. I couldn't bring myself to unfriend her...now, if I do it I know she'll realize that I'm thinking about her. I'd rather have her guess as to weather or not I am or not vs. blocking and her knowing "well I know I'm on his mind thats why he blocked me".

 

If it becomes too tough, just disable your facebook until things cool off.

 

Seriously, go hide her from the feed. Unfollow her from instagram/snapchat/twitter/Whatsapp(I don't even know what this is but I see everyone talking about it). You NEED to get her out of your sight. Shes out having fun because shes being selfish, shes thinking about herself...which is what YOU NEED to do. Just because she is doing her own thing doesn't me she isn't thinking about you...shes just trying to keep her mind occupied so that you aren't in her thoughts. You need to take this action. There were reasons why you two broke up...you can't think about weather or not she is thinking about you, she is, but shes trying to stay busy. Besides, what she thinks shouldn't matter. You have to stop thinking about what SHE thinks, what SHE is doing...it's not about her anymore...its about you.

 

Besides, think about how much money you'll be saving this Christmas!! You're bank account will thank you. LOL.

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