I really want to give my ex a call...

[J21]

It has been about 10 months ago since I [31M] broke up with my ex [34F] (relationship lasted 8 months). The relationship was pretty serious since we did talk about marriage, having kids, and buying a house in the near future.

 

Long story short: she switched jobs which required extremely long hours, and it really, really strained our relationship. She was always busy, stressed, or in a bad mood. I tried my best to make the relationship work, but it really felt one sided for a long time (me putting in all the work). I genuinely felt neglected, taken for granted, uncared for, unrespected and was miserable at what the relationship has become. I beared it as long as I thought I could bear it but a breaking point eventually came.

 

We broke up on amicable terms (more or less) no yelling or shouting, just a tearful, heart to heart talk. She told me whenever I felt burdened to feel free to give her a call....I told her I would contact her again but haven't... as of yet... We've upheld NC for 10 months, ever since the break up. Of course like everyone else, I wanted to contact her like crazy, but I just bit my tongue and beared it.

 

I have been doing all the standard remedies to get better, ie: reconnecting with old friends, focusing on myself, working out, picking up hobbies, reading a lot of relationship forums/books, and just trying to make myself a better person overall. This forum helped me a TON (thank you everyone) and I am absolutely in a better position than I was 10 months ago. I also tried dated another girl for like 1.5 months, but it just wasn't the same. I did think of the ex every now and then to be honest.. After the second girl, I wanted to take a break from dating and just continued to working out, cooking, get back into old hobbies, etc.

 

Last weekend, I came back from a wedding, and I felt ready to "get back out there" and start dating again. All my friends were advising I sign up for a dating site, and said I really need to date around to know what I want. One thing my friend said was: "You've basically only tried vanilla and think that's the best flavor in the world, what if you like strawberry more?". Ironically, one day later, a search query shows my ex as one of my matches. It's an old picture because I remember when she took it, and all those feelings of missing her is rushing back in. I think she blocked me or found someone new (and took down her profile) because her page is not showing up anymore. But anyways, I feel like I can't move forward right now. My ex keeps popping into my mind and I can't help but to want to give it another try.

 

Although I was the initiator of the break up, the more and more I think about it, the more I realize it could have been GIGS. I have not been in a lot of relationships, so I don't think I knew at the time what I had was something special. I don't care that my friend thinks 'I feel vanilla is the best tasting ice cream in the world without tasting strawberry'.

 

I want to call her to see if we can reconnect.... Worst case, she tells me she's over me.............. or found someone new..... It will probably set me back...... but at least I can forward.

 

I would like to meet her over coffee to see what the chemistry/feelings are. I wonder if the magic is still there or am I hanging onto something that once was--something that is not a reality now. If the magic/attraction is still there, I would like to start something completely new--completely fresh. It may be difficult, but I want to put in the work (along with her if she agrees) and see if this can work.

 

I'm just really......... ugh..... stuck between a big fork in my life. I think she has the potential to be my wife. When times were good, they were AMAZING.

 

FWIW, my 2 closest single guy friends (who have never met her) are against it. One guy said the ice cream analogy, and another says "Exes are exes for a reason. You keep thinking about her because you aren't dating anyone right now". My co worker (who is a girl) advised "don't over think it and give her a call, that way at least you can move forward." My older cousin (girl) said I should date 2 more girls, if I still think about her to call the ex. But you keep talking about her so she's obviously on your mind. Give her a call"

 

What are your thoughts/advice on how to approach this?

 

Thank you in advance LS, you guys are the best.

Edited November 21, 2013 by J21

[Speakingofwhich]

Contact her or you will always wonder about her.

 

Have two nephews who each married the only woman they ever dated. They're very well matched and very happily married!

[Frank13]

If you had GIGS, then decided she was the one and wanted to get back together, I'd say go for it. However, there were very specific reasons for you ending it. Those things probably haven't changed. If you got back together it would be the same thing again.

 

Another point is you both have been NC for 10 months and you haven't heard a peep from her. Add to that the fact that you think she may have found someone else, so what are you going to try again?

 

I don't think she misses you or cares anymore and may be with someone else. I don't think you have the choice to try again.

[d0nnivain]

If the issues that caused the break up have been resolved, go ahead & reach out. If they are still there, you are just going backwards.

[J21]

If you had GIGS, then decided she was the one and wanted to get back together, I'd say go for it. However, there were very specific reasons for you ending it. Those things probably haven't changed. If you got back together it would be the same thing again.

 

Well, I am hoping work has calmed down and she isn't working the crazy hours like she was. I would obviously talk about this if we were to meet.... Also, since I was the initiator of the break up, she left it up to me if I wanted to initiate contact again.

 

Add to that the fact that you think she may have found someone else, so what are you going to try again?

 

 

You're right. I only have speculations that think she may have found some one else, but there is a chance she may have not. I guess if I found out for sure at least I can move forward.

[J21]

If the issues that caused the break up have been resolved, go ahead & reach out. If they are still there, you are just going backwards.

I would definitely make sure to have this worked out. Thanks for the advice.

[Arty54]

You have nothing to lose apart from getting rejected and hurt again, but if you really believe that there is a possibility then call her and ask her out for a coffee or even dinner. Say that you saw her on a dating site and it bought back many happy memories, but be cool and don't bring up the past, if she wants to that's her choice.

Good luck!

[organizedchaos]

I think enough time has passed. Go for a very casual lunch. See how it goes and go from there. Treat it as a brand new relationship, like it was a blind date.

[J21]

Any ideas on how to get the conversation started? I dont want it to be a 1 minute conversation, nor do I want to talk about old issues over the phone..

 

I would like to somehow get a feel for if she is seeing someone else... I don't want to ruin what she has going.

 

Edit: Oh man, I'm getting kinda nervous. I feel like I may get hurt again if it doesn't work out.. I don't want to erase 10 months of recovery in a matter of 1 day. But I also wanna be able to move forward with no regrets

Edited November 21, 2013 by J21

[organizedchaos]

Any ideas on how to get the conversation started? I dont want it to be a 1 minute conversation, nor do I want to talk about old issues over the phone..

 

I would like to somehow get a feel for if she is seeing someone else... I don't want to ruin what she has going.

 

Edit: Oh god, I'm getting pretty nervous and I feel like I may get hurt again if it doesn't work out.. I don't want to erase 10 months of recovery in a matter of 1 day. Maybe it's best I move forward...........................

 

Then you are not ready.

[J21]

Then you are not ready.

Thanks, but I really want to be able to move forward and date other people without thinking of her as well.

 

As much as I am nervous, in the end, I will be able to move forward and date without having thoughts of her on my mind. (That's what happened with the 2nd girl). At least I'll have that much to gain.

 

In all sincerity, I don't think I will erase all 10 months in 1 day... maybe a month tops.

Edited November 21, 2013 by J21

[2fargone]

Thanks, but I really want to be able to move forward and date other people without thinking of her as well.

 

As much as I am nervous, in the end, I will be able to move forward and date without having thoughts of her on my mind. (That's what happened with the 2nd girl). At least I'll have that much to gain.

 

In all sincerity, I don't think I will erase all 10 months in 1 day... maybe a month tops.

 

 

 

You're right... You don't think....

[r321148]

I think you should do it.

You're obviously thinking about it so are going to have these "what ifs". To be honest you've already set yourself back so you may as well go for it now.

If she rejects you then it'll hurt all over again but at least you'll have closure and can start moving on properly with your life.

As previous said though, you had sound reasons for breaking up so make sure things have changed before you go too far down this road.

Good luck

[melell]

Given you were the one who ended it, perhaps even if those issues were still there, now you would be more willing to work on things?

[d0nnivain]

Any ideas on how to get the conversation started? I dont want it to be a 1 minute conversation, nor do I want to talk about old issues over the phone..

 

I would like to somehow get a feel for if she is seeing someone else... I don't want to ruin what she has going.

 

Edit: Oh man, I'm getting kinda nervous. I feel like I may get hurt again if it doesn't work out.. I don't want to erase 10 months of recovery in a matter of 1 day. But I also wanna be able to move forward with no regrets

 

That's a risk you will have to take. It sounds like you are strong enough now that even if she says no, you won't be all the way back to sqaure one.

 

Because her profile came up on your dating site, I'd open with a joke about that . . . hey, saw your profile on _________ . Kind of ironic that the computer thinks we should be together. I kind of miss you. What do you say, wanna get together & talk?

[xUnknown]

 

Because her profile came up on your dating site, I'd open with a joke about that . . . hey, saw your profile on _________ . Kind of ironic that the computer thinks we should be together. I kind of miss you. What do you say, wanna get together & talk?

 

 

I say exactly this, but omit the "I kind of miss you" part. She's a woman, woman always take things the wrong way...like you THINK you miss me??

 

I would omit that part - or - rephrase it. Thats just my opinion.