nowherefast Posted December 27, 2004 Posted December 27, 2004 I'm having trouble making a very tough decision and would greatly appreciate any help anyone can offer. I have been married for 13 years. I was married just a few months after my eighteenth birthday to my husband. We really struggled financially those first years with two babies, life was really difficult but it brought both of us closer together. In every way we are best friends. Then my husband was offered a great job in another state that offered financial security so he took the job and during the transition period was gone for two weeks at a time. The last few years of our marriage has been really tough though. We still do not have money, only credit card bills and my husbands job has taken him from us too much. He has missed out on our lives and is cold and unloving. About four or so years ago I suspected that he was cheating and told him I was leaving. He told me that I should go, but he was not going to pay child support and would never see his children again because he could instantly get a job overseas. I reluctantly stayed because he explained all of my suspicions away and I had no job or education or family support and was completely dependent emotionally and financially on him. In the following years we have grown closer as friends and as husband and wife. I have put all of my time, attention, hopes and dreams into this person. Last June I found his secret envelope. It contained pictures, letters, e-mails etc from all of the prostitutes that he has been with for the last 6 years. I guess this was my d-day. I took the children and left. However he found me and pleaded and cried and wailed in tears for me to come back. He threatened to quit his job and follow us where ever we go. He absolutely would not leave me alone. My kids were begging me to give him another chance. He also became a Christian, just like me and our children. So, not having anywhere else to go, I went back home. It has been 6 months now, and I am still very sad and depressed. It is clear that I no longer love this person, and have told him many times. The grief of losing my family and my life has overtaken my thoughts. I do not talk to anyone anymore. Counselling has not helped. My husband is going to church, but has let the internet back into our lives. I feel completely and totally worthless. I keep thinking that my husband had a wife who very much loved him and missed him and never denied him anything. And instead of that he would rather pay a whore to be with. He has developed a bond with this "working girl" and has refused to talk about her. So I started e-mailing her as him to get more information. This has worked surprisingly well, however, it gives me more questions than answers. I have asked him to walk through this muck with me, but he still seems so unremorseful and unsure as to what caused this to begin with. My question is this- Should I go or should I stay? This has been agonizing to me but I am constantly asking myself after reading the posts here, Why do these people stay in these marriages? But not so easy to answer when I am asking myself.
Owl Posted December 27, 2004 Posted December 27, 2004 Deciding to stay or go is your choice only...no one here can decide that for you. You note that it's been about six months since you've found out about all of this, and that counselling hasn't helped at all. Do you still feel exactly the same now as you did when you found out? You say you don't love him anymore. It sounds to me like you've given up on trying to reconcile or re-build your marriage. I'm not faulting you...it's possible that you're so hurt that you just can't love him anymore. If you have honestly tried to forgive and work through this with him, and haven't been able to do so, then when do you finally decide enough is enough and move on? You don't mention what kind of counseling you've tried...or whether it was single counseling for yourself, or joint marriage counseling for the both of you. I'd suggest doing both if you've got any desire to try to work through things. If not, then don't drag it out any longer than you have to. I stayed in my marriage, and things are going great for me. BUT, my situation sounds like it was totally different from yours. You'll have to work through this. You mentioned that your husband is a Christian...I am ASSUMING that you are too. Then I'd simply suggest this...pray. Pray that God makes happen in this situation what He wants to happen...and that He gives you and your husband and your children the strength to make His will happen, and the wisdom to see it. If it means rebuilding and reconciling your marriage, then let Him give you the strength and peace to make that happen, along with your husband. If its His will that it end, then let Him give you all the strength and courage to work through that. Regardless, ask for His decision in this. Sorry if the "religion" thing offends anyone...only trying to provide advice as I see it.
Ladyjane14 Posted December 27, 2004 Posted December 27, 2004 Originally posted by nowherefast My husband is going to church, but has let the internet back into our lives. I feel completely and totally worthless. He has developed a bond with this "working girl" and has refused to talk about her. ....he still seems so unremorseful and unsure as to what caused this to begin with. Unacceptable. He's talking the talk, but alas, not walking the walk. True reconciliation will be impossible unless these conditions change. Never issue an ultimatum unless you are TOTALLY committed to carrying it out. But if it comes down to divorce or change, what do you have to lose?
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 Take your kids and head to the nearest women's shelter to get away from this emotionally abusive situation. Get a lawyer through legal aid, a restraining order, and lots and lots of counselling. Insist that he get counselling as well if he ever wants to see you or the kids again. This is not just a relationship issue here. He has problems and needs help fast. He is a danger to you and your children.
2Confuzed Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 I am terribly sorry to hear of your situation. I know this is the father of your children and the man that you committed yourself to; however, how much abuse and heartache do you have to endure? From what you are saying, he sounds very manipulative. He knows that you don't have a career and that you depend on him, so he uses that against you. I'm sorry, but what he has done is totally unacceptable. He has lied and cheated in the worst way, then (I'm guessing) making you feel as though you are crazy for assuming. Not to mention all the diseases he mostly likely came in contact with being with these women and then bringing it home to you. No way. I don't think you will ever be able to forgive him. Even if we overlook the affairs, he just doesn't sound like a keeper to me. He sounds very manipulative and demeaning. You shouldn't have to put up with that and your children shouldn't have to be subjected to it either. I know this is one of the hardest decisions you'll ever have to make. Just remember though, you only have one life to live, do you really want to live it this way?
immoralist Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 You sound chronically depressed in your marriage. When it comes to a spouse's emotional health and well-being, a long-term bad marriage must yield. What do your children gain by you going on automatic pilot while co-existing with an unremorseful, cheating spouse in a dead marriage? Not only your mental health is at risk. Your husband consorts with prostitutes and who knows what sexually transmitted diseases he might contract and transmit to you. Leave this man, now.
jmargel Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 Please re-read your initial post. You have told us you are no longer love him, especially for what he has done to you and your children. He has no remorse. Him becoming a 'Christian' is because he didn't want you to leave, not because he knows he needs to change his life not only for his family but himself. Basically he is sorry that he got caught, not because of what he did. You are also basing your own self-worth on your husband. Nothing you could have done differently would have changed what he did. Not only that, but he would have done this to anyone else he married, if not you. It's not easy to end a marriage, because like you said 'What if..' something magical was said, or done.. Would this make all of this go away, or fix it? Unfortunetly the answer is no. Every person has a line that needs to be drawn in regards to boundaries that shouldn't be crossed when in a relationship. Those are called 'deal breakers'. It's upto each person to draw this line, and then act appropirately if it's crossed. No one here can tell you what that line is, only yourself. However, what we can do as outsiders is to try to give you our perspectives. Why are you in this marraige? I find alot of people such as yourself, are in a marriage even if you are unhappy, because there is still that comfortable feeling. Even though he is cheating on you and has lied and destroyed all trust you had in him, 'HE' is still there. With him you don't have the fear of the unknown, such as financial, housing, etc.. Although I must say the 'fear' of the unknown is usually alot more worse than the 'unknown' itself. There was someone I knew who was married for 18 years. She was in a very abusive marriage. Verbally, emotionally and physically. I would talk to her just about every day for a year and a half. She would tell me everyday what he did to her, etc.. It took a long time, but she finally figured out that she needed to make herself happy, and even if that meant she might lose her kids (her husband just about brainwashed the kids and they stayed behind). She had numerous panic attacks over this decision, but knew in order to get out of this depression she had to take care of herself. She finally left, and from the last time I heard from her, she was doing good. You don't get any bonus points when you die, and are at the gates of heaven by staying with someone you don't love. Your mind is probably constantly wondering on what's going to happen next with him, because you have no faith in his words. And that's a normal reaction. If you are truly unhappy, then you need to gather the strength to move on, to make yourself happy. Otherwise this will continue, and possibly even get worse.
Author nowherefast Posted December 31, 2004 Author Posted December 31, 2004 You're right he is sorry that he got caught. I asked him recently if he would still be doing this if I hadn't found his stash and he said that he didn't know. It is very clear that this is not a guilt or remorse issue for him. He thinks he needs to stop doing what he has been doing or get much better about concealling it if he wants me to remain. He just doesn't get that it is wrong. And you're right, he has crossed every line and I don't even think that he hesitated. This identifies his lack of respect for me. He told me that if I had done this he would have left a long time ago but expects me to stay. He doesn't have an answer for this. I'm not worth going through this for?? He get s angry if I just ask him to think about the shoe being on the other foot. Furthermore, he said that he just stayed married to me all of those years out of convience, but now all of a sudden he loves me??? Why do I stay, you ask? Well I stay because my children are happy, healthy and doing well. I am in love with our family. We laugh and smile together still. I feel as though I would be jeopardizing their happiness to find my own even though I think all of the time what it might feel like to be in a loving relationship. I am seriously torn about trading in their happiness for my own. You don't think I will get points for the preservation of family and a stable home for my kids? However, I have made an appointment to speak to an attorney on Thursday to discuss my options. I now have no grounds for divorce though. The state that I live in says that because I did not leave immediately upon discovery of this information, I have condoned the action. So I will need to be abandoned by him for a period of one year before I can legally file.
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