superwholock24 Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 Hi everyone, This is my first time posting here in a long while, I used to post here when I was younger but I couldn't even begin to think of my account details now. I'm here because I'm completely panicking that I let 'The One' get away and I'm terrified that after thinking that I deserved more, maybe what I was getting was enough and I just couldn't see it. I'm about to turn 26, and just over two years ago I got dumped by my then-boyfriend of 4 years. I was really upset but it wasn't right. He got drunk with his friends, cheated once on me that I know of, I felt I couldn't trust him, he was quite closed off emotionally, etc. But it was my first proper boyfriend and at the time felt like it was the end of the world. A couple of months later, I got chatting to a guy at work who was lovely, gentle, and just generally made me feel great. We both fell in love so quickly and it was amazing. He was very vocal in his feelings for me and I didn't need to question it at all. Because of the short length of time between the relationships, I don't think I ever got over my first boyfriend. My worries crept into the new relationship and to be honest, over time, I think they killed it. I am so terrified that this is the case. Over time, he became less 'enthusiastic' about showing me how much he loved me or felt about me. Which made me more insecure. He had a variety of interests, which I felt were more important than me and which he preferred over me. I supported his first few interests, went to see him play sports etc, but as he found more I would get at him about this, however as time went on I did try and be supportive but I think the damage was already done. Essentially, I am terrified he was The One and I pushed him away thinking he didn't love me enough/want me enough etc. He didn't drink, he didn't have loads of friends he spent loads of time with, only his interests (playing & watching sports). He tried to make it clear to me that our increasing arguments were causing an issue but I never thought much of them. I guess I thought we'd always be OK because we still were happy most of the time and had some really good times. It's been nearly 3 months since he broke up with me, and again any chance of a reconciliation has been killed by me continually worrying and asking questions about his feelings, our relationship, everything, since it ended. To top it all off, we work together, literally 10 feet away from each other in an office of a large company. I see him everyday, and can't help looking his way throughout the day. I feel as heartbroken tonight as I did when it happened. I don't know what to do, I am so upset and worried that he was right in all he did and I just couldn't see it and was in the wrong. I'm not beautiful and find it very hard to socialise, and as such I don't know where I'll ever find anyone again, and I feel at the moment like I'll be alone forever.
Stay Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 To be honest, you sound like you need time alone. Jumping from one relationship into another is never good and there is no such thing as "The One" so stop thinking like that also. You're never alone forever, somebody loved you before and somebody else can love you again. You seem to want to be with someone just to be with a person and that's never a good sign which I assume from you saying you feel like you'll never find anyone again.
Author superwholock24 Posted November 20, 2013 Author Posted November 20, 2013 Hi, thank you for your reply. I think I need time alone too, to be OK with being on my own. I never intended to jump into the new relationship after the break up of my 4-year one, I really never thought I would find anyone. I did try not to jump into it but having never felt those intense feelings before I couldn't help it. I do miss having 'someone', and you may be right that it is a 'someone' and not my ex specifically. I've just bought a house by myself and don't have many friends, and I miss having someone to just be with and be in contact with all the time. Thank you also for the comment about there not being a 'The One'. It is a lovely idea but I am realistic in knowing that there will always be parts of two people that don't match up perfectly.
Stay Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 (edited) Hi, thank you for your reply. I think I need time alone too, to be OK with being on my own. I never intended to jump into the new relationship after the break up of my 4-year one, I really never thought I would find anyone. I did try not to jump into it but having never felt those intense feelings before I couldn't help it. I do miss having 'someone', and you may be right that it is a 'someone' and not my ex specifically. I've just bought a house by myself and don't have many friends, and I miss having someone to just be with and be in contact with all the time. Thank you also for the comment about there not being a 'The One'. It is a lovely idea but I am realistic in knowing that there will always be parts of two people that don't match up perfectly. I understand the hardships of always wanting someone there, I was forced to be on my own myself. It was difficult but doable, I ran into someone also and she made me feel great. I was cautious though because after a almost 7 year relationship I had a feeling it was just because I was feeling something new and wanted again that made me feel so loved. Was it? Not at all, we stopped talking and I can care less. So yes that new relationship you jumped into made you feel really good but probably doesn't live up to that 4 year relationship you had. Don't mistaken that initial honeymoon stage with love, it's an incredibly great feeling but it's not what you want. Your search in this world of a significant other is more about most compatible than the one so start looking at it that way, everyone will have their flaws. I haven't talked to my ex-gf in about 6 months after being with her everyday for almost 7 years. It was difficult but long story short is she got into another relationship although it isn't one, more of dating than a full on relationship i'd say. We ran into each other yesterday and after 6 months she said she miss me and cried in front of me. She broke up with me btw, not sure what she's thinking in her mind but I think it's clear she's not completely over me. Maybe she realized what she had lost and the grass isn't as green as she thought I guess. This doesn't help her new relationship for sure as she now carries this thought of me while in a new relationship. For sure I wouldn't want that when starting a relationship, I don't wanna know that the girl I'm dating still have left over feelings. It's almost like dating someone and not being sure if they want to be with you, I want to be with someone that is SURE. So that's just an example of being alone for a while, it helps you be better and it also prevents issues that will arise. You WILL compare him with your ex, etc. I don't have a doubt about that since your ex is still fresh. Edited November 20, 2013 by Stay
Author superwholock24 Posted November 20, 2013 Author Posted November 20, 2013 I am scared of being on my own, but I think it's a necessity right now. I'm glad you didn't get caught up in the new girl you ran into and could keep your head straight - hopefully I'll be able to do the same when the time comes. I will definitely keep in mind future partners being about being 'the most compatible' and not 'the one'. Re your ex - I don't think I was that attached to my '4 year' ex that six months down the line I would have been missing him / crying, but I definitely did think about him a lot. Actually I did find out he's getting married, and if I'm honest I did cry about that. Maybe because my relationship at the time wasn't going that way. I still do think him about him a fair bit really. It seems like your ex is still pretty hung up on you, and maybe has found the grass isn't greener. But you seem pretty level headed I think I shall put renewed effort into being OK being on my own. It's a much healthier foundation to any future relationship anyway. Thank you
Jules78 Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 I understand the hardships of always wanting someone there, I was forced to be on my own myself. It was difficult but doable, I ran into someone also and she made me feel great. I was cautious though because after a almost 7 year relationship I had a feeling it was just because I was feeling something new and wanted again that made me feel so loved. Was it? Not at all, we stopped talking and I can care less. So yes that new relationship you jumped into made you feel really good but probably doesn't live up to that 4 year relationship you had. Don't mistaken that initial honeymoon stage with love, it's an incredibly great feeling but it's not what you want. Your search in this world of a significant other is more about most compatible than the one so start looking at it that way, everyone will have their flaws. I haven't talked to my ex-gf in about 6 months after being with her everyday for almost 7 years. It was difficult but long story short is she got into another relationship although it isn't one, more of dating than a full on relationship i'd say. We ran into each other yesterday and after 6 months she said she miss me and cried in front of me. She broke up with me btw, not sure what she's thinking in her mind but I think it's clear she's not completely over me. Maybe she realized what she had lost and the grass isn't as green as she thought I guess. This doesn't help her new relationship for sure as she now carries this thought of me while in a new relationship. For sure I wouldn't want that when starting a relationship, I don't wanna know that the girl I'm dating still have left over feelings. It's almost like dating someone and not being sure if they want to be with you, I want to be with someone that is SURE. So that's just an example of being alone for a while, it helps you be better and it also prevents issues that will arise. You WILL compare him with your ex, etc. I don't have a doubt about that since your ex is still fresh. This was an excellent reply!! Helped me too so thank you! 1
Stay Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 I am scared of being on my own, but I think it's a necessity right now. I'm glad you didn't get caught up in the new girl you ran into and could keep your head straight - hopefully I'll be able to do the same when the time comes. I will definitely keep in mind future partners being about being 'the most compatible' and not 'the one'. Re your ex - I don't think I was that attached to my '4 year' ex that six months down the line I would have been missing him / crying, but I definitely did think about him a lot. Actually I did find out he's getting married, and if I'm honest I did cry about that. Maybe because my relationship at the time wasn't going that way. I still do think him about him a fair bit really. It seems like your ex is still pretty hung up on you, and maybe has found the grass isn't greener. But you seem pretty level headed I think I shall put renewed effort into being OK being on my own. It's a much healthier foundation to any future relationship anyway. Thank you I'm glad you can think clearly about the situation, it WILL get better I'm sure of that. Just enjoy the time you have and meet people, you'll be surprised at how many people are willing to just meet others. As with my ex, in a way I sorta wished I didn't talk to her because a lot of feelings and emotions came rushing through to me and making me look at her through rose tinted glass. What she has done to me is unacceptable but seeing her last night really made me miss her a lot.
Author superwholock24 Posted November 21, 2013 Author Posted November 21, 2013 I know it must get better some day, I just don't know when that will be and seeing him at work every day when it's clear he is happy with his decision is heartbreaking. I am trying to believe I miss 'someone' and not 'him', but part of me still thinks it was all my fault and that if I had just relaxed more, everything would have been fine. But maybe not, and maybe it would still have gone wrong. I kept thinking that it would be lovely if we got married, which we talked about, but that we would have likely been unhappy and got divorced. *sigh* It looks like we are both looking at things through rose tinted glasses, but we must stay strong
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