Stop me! Talk some sense into me!

[Jules78]

I wrote him a letter and I am close to emailing it to him.

 

Quick background:

 

• 2 1/2 year relationship
  
• I asked for a break mid-September and the next day he started sleeping with his ex for two weeks while discussing "us" with me.
  
• Our break lasted two weeks and then we were back on going strong having the best time.
  
• The ex called and told me everything. I broke up with him.
  
• He begged and pleaded for a month. I asked him to give me time. He said he would wait forever.
  
• He pushed me too far on Nov. 7th and I said to leave me alone.
  
• He went NC and I haven't heard from him since but I want to!
  
• I went nuts and sent several emails over the next few days. Please call me, I still love you, ok I forgive and realize it's over then finally a very mean email. All read - no replies.
  
• I haven't contact him myself for 6 days.
  
• I think there is already someone else thanks to my snooping last week. Not proud but it happened.
  

The letter is probably too long but it says I miss him and still love him and I wish he would have given me more time because I was working really hard to figure it all out including working out the things that I did to affect the relationship, etc. etc. I left it at - I wanted him to know that I was trying and I did think he was worth it and I had to get those things off my chest because I wanted him to know that I never stopped caring. I also didn't want the last memory he had of me to be that horrible last email I sent.

 

I already know he won't reply but I feel like I need to do this. Now someone stop me. I think?

[mendsley]

If you can do anything here on LS learn from others mistakes. I'm the type of guy that will be told to not touch the fire and will touch it anyways. DO NOT send anything to your ex. DO NOT sit around hoping to reconcile, the only thing you should be doing is keeping yourself busy by activities, talking **** on your ex to friends and family (sounds crazy but it helps) or posting here.

 

In this instance I can guarantee you it will not turn out the way you have manifested it in your mind. You will be hurt, or worse, strung along. Do not take action unless its to tell the other person to quit contacting you.

 

Trust me this is sound advice and many will back this up and/or add to it.

Edited November 20, 2013 by mendsley

[Jules78]

I haven't sent it. I hate how mean my last email to him was because I didn't mean what I said but I was angry. But, I guess if he really wanted to be with me, he would contact me.

 

I don't know who broke up with who?! I did but we kept talking trying to work through it. Then he gave up and went NC so maybe he broke up with me? lol I don't even know. Ugh.

 

But you are right and I know this. I feel better for not having sent it.

 

He's probably getting attention from someone new now so what I say does not matter. I was worried though that my mean email would keep him from ever trying to contact me again. I guess he probably doesn't plan to anyway.

 

Tomorrow makes two weeks since he last contacted me and it was professing his love for me then *poof*

[mendsley]

But, I guess if he really wanted to be with me, he would contact me

 

This right here is what's important. I know for me NC saves your dignity. Think about it, he'll get some gratification from you contacting him... **** that, don't give him anything except a cold shoulder. He needs to win you back. Again, DO NOT give him that, it may suck right now but later on you will feel proud you didn't beg and plead. It will only make you look weak in his eyes! Stay strong!

[Jules78]

Thank you so much!!! That's just what I needed. I am not going to send it. Ever! I had a crap day yesterday but today was a little bit better.

 

I'm thinking his going *poof* may end up being the best thing that ever happened to me. I know I would be too weak to uphold it. Obviously.

 

Thanks again.

[AnnaAnna]

Great advice from mendsley. Do not contact him. Do not beg! He's going no contact with you and you should try it too. You will only sound desperate and there's nothing more guys hate than desperate girls.

Give him his space and if he still wants you he will contact you.

You both need time to think things through.

 

There's no more to say. Just leave it alone for now.

[Jules78]

Girls don't like it either. He begged me for a month and I couldn't stand it.

 

Now look at me.

[mendsley]

Good job Jules! Keep a strong mind and one thing I would suggest is if things are getting bad go for a walk. This may sound goofy, but during the walk tell yourself how much you're worth and any thought of the ex is toxic. As soon as a thought of him creeps up, block that ***** and tell yourself NO while forcing yourself to think about something else. This will work wonders. I started doing this today because of my little dumbass move I pulled yesterday and I feel like a damn champ today. Your mind will play games with you unless you control it ;-)

[Jules78]

Thanks Mendsley! I'm struggling tonight. I hate the damn nights! I can't stand that he just dropped off the face of the earth without saying a word to me. Drives me insane that he could tell me how much he loves me and would wait for me to take him back then later that day, gone! Gone! No warning, no nothing. If he would have said I can't do this anymore or I will ask you one more time then I need to move on I would be fine. But he just left. Gone. That's what is tearing me up more than anything. Well that and the fact that I panicked and did everything we aren't supposed to do. Now any chance of him contacting me again is gone because of that last email I sent him that was so mean (even though I think he deserved it). Tomorrow is two weeks since he contacted me. I miss him.

 

And I know he has to be with someone else already because he can't not be! I know he is and that hurts even more. I'm suffering, he caused it and he's just going about his business not giving a crap. F**&(*K!

Edited November 21, 2013 by Jules78

[mendsley]

It's perfectly human to miss him (or the attachment), but you have to understand you are going through a process. Seems like you are thinking waaaay too much on what he's doing or who he's doing. You have to understand he is thinking the same thing, but because of your past actions he knows you will eventually contact him and give him everything he needs. So imagine what he'll start thinking if you drop off the face of the earth. Imagine what he'll think when you start having fun without needing his love/affection as validation.

 

You need to set some goals, for example; set a goal that you will not allow yourself to think about him for a week. Or set a goal where you won't contact him for 30 days. When you reach that goal take no action, just simply set another goal. Right now you're just going with no direction, but if you give yourself direction you have something to work for.

 

One last thing, check out break-up videos on YouTube, there is actually good stuff... and bad crap. If you see a 16 year old school girl offering up relationship advice, don't click on it, lol. For men I suggest Elliot Husle, for woman I suggest the Baggage Reclaim website. Good stuff!

[Jules78]

Oh thank you so much!! You are the best! I really appreciate you replying to me! I have wasted my whole entire week obsessing about him and beating myself up. At work that's pretty much all I do is obsess. haha

 

I am so not contacting him. Tomorrow is 7 days since I contacted him and I must say I am proud of myself. I almost slipped today and I am so glad I posted here instead. If I had sent him that terribly long embarassing letter I would be sitting here now in worse shape because he didn't respond and I would feel like a fool.

 

I'm going to take your advice and set goals. If I can make it to 30 days no contact, I'm having a party!

 

I hope you are doing ok in your situation. Thanks again for always replying.

[Stay]

Oh thank you so much!! You are the best! I really appreciate you replying to me! I have wasted my whole entire week obsessing about him and beating myself up. At work that's pretty much all I do is obsess. haha

 

I am so not contacting him. Tomorrow is 7 days since I contacted him and I must say I am proud of myself. I almost slipped today and I am so glad I posted here instead. If I had sent him that terribly long embarassing letter I would be sitting here now in worse shape because he didn't respond and I would feel like a fool.

 

I'm going to take your advice and set goals. If I can make it to 30 days no contact, I'm having a party!

 

I hope you are doing ok in your situation. Thanks again for always replying.

 

Honestly don't keep count of the days, it'll just make it more difficult. Don't count every single day, just go on and do what you have to do.

 

I don't know if you've seen the movie "About Time"? Well I've been apart from my ex of almost 7 years for about 6 months now and I watched the movie last month, great movie btw. I really enjoyed it, it's worth a watch to understand life a bit more. It will change the way you live life or see life, I will add that movie to my collection when it comes out for sure. Anyways to the point, hope I don't spoil anything, in the movie he learned a very valuable lesson that stuck with me, "Lesson Number One: All the time traveling in the world can't make someone love you."

 

No matter what you do, if a person doesn't love you they don't love you. You cannot change anything about that except just accept that someone else will love you. Even with time traveling, trying to fix every little thing to make it perfect so this person can love you, they will not. Don't beat yourself up because you did this and that wrong because if you would've done it another way it could be the same outcome.

[BC1980]

It sounds like there is a lot of emotion on both sides here. I definitely agree with everyone else saying to do NC. At the very least, it will give both of you some time to calm down, stop being so emotionally drive, and gain some clarity and objectivity.

 

I'm sure he will reach out again if you stay NC. People are just too curious by nature, and they don't like to be ignored. You can see that yourself. We don't like to have loose ends that aren't tied up neatly and that don't make sense. Unfortunately, with many breakups, it seems like a lot of things don't make sense. When he contacts you again, I would really suggest saying that you need this NC period to yourself. That will probably be really hard to do, but, if you engage with him again, you are likely to end up in this same position.

[Jules78]

It sounds like there is a lot of emotion on both sides here. I definitely agree with everyone else saying to do NC. At the very least, it will give both of you some time to calm down, stop being so emotionally drive, and gain some clarity and objectivity.

 

I'm sure he will reach out again if you stay NC. People are just too curious by nature, and they don't like to be ignored. You can see that yourself. We don't like to have loose ends that aren't tied up neatly and that don't make sense. Unfortunately, with many breakups, it seems like a lot of things don't make sense. When he contacts you again, I would really suggest saying that you need this NC period to yourself. That will probably be really hard to do, but, if you engage with him again, you are likely to end up in this same position.

 

I know you are so right. And I am not going to contact him again. I have come too far with this NC thing. I know he loves (loved?) me but I think he got tired of begging and me saying, no. Can't blame the dude. I am thinking he is already over me because he had a month to get over it while he was begging and getting rejected. He does not know how to be alone and I know this. I knew he would either go back to his ex or find someone else pretty quick when I rejected him. It's what he does. It's also why I should not be with him. It doesn't make me miss him any less though darn it.

 

He really did a lot for me and I am feeling guilty about that. But, he cannot do a lot for me and not be able to handle a "break" without seeking another woman for comfort. Ugh!

 

Is that the new movie with Rachel McAdams? I really want to see that!!

Edited November 21, 2013 by Jules78

[Stay]

I know you are so right. And I am not going to contact him again. I have come too far with this NC thing. I know he loves (loved?) me but I think he got tired of begging and me saying, no. Can't blame the dude. I am thinking he is already over me because he had a month to get over it while he was begging and getting rejected. He does not know how to be alone and I know this. I knew he would either go back to his ex or find someone else pretty quick when I rejected him. It's what he does. It's also why I should not be with him. It doesn't make me miss him any less though darn it.

 

He really did a lot for me and I am feeling guilty about that. But, he cannot do a lot for me and not be able to handle a "break" without seeking another woman for comfort. Ugh!

 

Is that the new movie with Rachel McAdams? I really want to see that!!

 

Yes, that's the movie. I HIGHLY recommend it and cannot recommend it enough, great movie. Even though the movie is a little unrealistic the lessons in there are very real and I think it's a movie that I actually walked away looking at things in a different way. Watch it, you won't be disappointed.. It might even make you feel better. Just watch it and you'll understand things just happen and you just gotta let it happen, you just gotta handle them the right way.

[Jules78]

Well, I looked at the woman's Facebook page who I sniffed out (haha) when I stalked his Twitter page last week. Guess what? Her new profile picture is her and him and now he has a FB page which he was always so against. Anyway, remember he was on his knees 2 weeks ago begging me to take him back. Guess she got the booby prize.

 

His comments on their photo go on and on about how he's never been this happy and he's so blessed to have met her.. She has a heart of gold. You're such a sweetheart. He's been so amazed since the time they met and she's brought him so much joy.

 

She says she feels the same about him and thinks he's amazing and thanks him for being real.

 

Here's the thing. I already suspected it and now that I have solid proof, I don't care! Ok, maybe a little.

 

But! I didn't cry. I got that pit in my stomach and felt sad but I also chuckled because I knew I was right in that he cannot be alone and he does not know what love is!! This will be the third woman in two months time. He goes where the attention is. Loser! I'm feeling blessed to have him out of my life!

 

For today anyway...

[mendsley]

Now that you got that out of your system, knock that off. You need to detach from that garbage and start working on moving on with your life. I would avoid all social media for like 6 months. I deleted everything and it feels great because I lost the desire to snoop and it feels great. Be strong and keep your head high.

[Stay]

Well, I looked at the woman's Facebook page who I sniffed out (haha) when I stalked his Twitter page last week. Guess what? Her new profile picture is her and him and now he has a FB page which he was always so against. Anyway, remember he was on his knees 2 weeks ago begging me to take him back. Guess she got the booby prize.

 

His comments on their photo go on and on about how he's never been this happy and he's so blessed to have met her.. She has a heart of gold. You're such a sweetheart. He's been so amazed since the time they met and she's brought him so much joy.

 

She says she feels the same about him and thinks he's amazing and thanks him for being real.

 

Here's the thing. I already suspected it and now that I have solid proof, I don't care! Ok, maybe a little.

 

But! I didn't cry. I got that pit in my stomach and felt sad but I also chuckled because I knew I was right in that he cannot be alone and he does not know what love is!! This will be the third woman in two months time. He goes where the attention is. Loser! I'm feeling blessed to have him out of my life!

 

For today anyway...

 

Who cares, those are all honeymoon stages, thinking they're madly in love when in reality it's not even close. In a few months time people will understand what they had or if they even have something. You just need to do what you gotta do to get better and do everything from you. Everyone will always seem like they had a better relationship than what they had the first few months, it'll seem like they're always happy and having fun but reality will kick in later.

[mendsley]

I'm with stay on this, in todays society people get all caught up in the "fun phase" or "honeymoon phase" and when reality catches up with them they realize they ****ed up ;-) But if you focus on moving on you will realize what a toxic relationship it was and say no thanks.

[Iguanna]

Quick background:

 

• 2 1/2 year relationship
  
• I asked for a break mid-September and the next day he started sleeping with his ex for two weeks while discussing "us" with me.
  
• Our break lasted two weeks and then we were back on going strong having the best time.
  
• The ex called and told me everything. I broke up with him.
  
• He begged and pleaded for a month. I asked him to give me time. He said he would wait forever.
  
• He pushed me too far on Nov. 7th and I said to leave me alone.
  
• He went NC and I haven't heard from him since but I want to!
  
• I went nuts and sent several emails over the next few days. Please call me, I still love you, ok I forgive and realize it's over then finally a very mean email. All read - no replies.
  
• I haven't contact him myself for 6 days.
  
• I think there is already someone else thanks to my snooping last week. Not proud but it happened.
  

 

Ok so you wanted a break (a break for me means, I am miserable in the relationship so I want to scare you so you do what I want to make me happy OR I want out but I don't want to hurt you so here you go, take a break and have a good life until I realize I don't find anything better and I come back with no harm done). He slept with his ex on your break (ok I can't not remember Rachel and Ross "WE WERE ON A BREAK!" ) Then you take him back, you learn about the ex and kick him away. When he started begging and apologizing, you tell him to leave you alone and when he does, you realize you are losing him and start to say "ok i forgave you now, come back" like he's your puppy.

 

I'd say, grow up.

[Jules78]

Ok so you wanted a break (a break for me means, I am miserable in the relationship so I want to scare you so you do what I want to make me happy OR I want out but I don't want to hurt you so here you go, take a break and have a good life until I realize I don't find anything better and I come back with no harm done). He slept with his ex on your break (ok I can't not remember Rachel and Ross "WE WERE ON A BREAK!" ) Then you take him back, you learn about the ex and kick him away. When he started begging and apologizing, you tell him to leave you alone and when he does, you realize you are losing him and start to say "ok i forgave you now, come back" like he's your puppy.

 

I'd say, grow up.

 

Actually, no. But I can see how it looks that way. I was not looking for anything better or at all. I'm a single mom who has no time for finding something better. And when I am with someone, I am with someone. I was struggling with trust issues for things he's done before. I don't think asking him for a break was unrealistic. In essence it was really just one weekend because saw each other every other weekend. Anyway, I have no trouble at all breaking it off with anyone if it's not working. I don't beat around the bush and I'm not a coward. I will say yes, I was panicked when he started to ignore me. We've had a break or two before and no issues as far as I know. But as soon as either would contact the other we would answer right away. Just like the 2 weeks we were talking the whole time while he was banging his ex. I didn't think I would recover from that but I was trying hard! He wouldn't give me any space to process it. I got fed up and asked him to leave me alone. I didn't mean forever. But he already had someone else the whole time we were talking - hello? Duh! I should've known and I kinda did but wasn't 100%. Until now.

 

I'll never understand how a person can go from being head over heels in love with someone then immediately into something else and forget about the person they just spent so much time with and were crazy about. I can't imagine dating already. But again, I knew he couldn't be alone I just believed him this time that he changed. Bwahaha! Sounds ridiculous and it is!

 

I'm glad to know now he's gone for good and I know I'm better off.

[Iguanna]

I'm sorry I was fast to jump to conclusions.

[Jules78]

No worries. I am just a complete basketcase. This is my first relationship since my divorce. I was married for 12 years. That didn't work out, we separated, he found someone else and he said the same when I found out (via FB which I am seriously hating again - and I removed the app from my phone, taking a break from it). Anyway, he had said the same thing - that he had never been so happy in his whole life just a few weeks after being with her and our divorce wasn't even final yet. *sigh* They are still together so. And my ex, he stays in long term relationships as well. However, he hasn't been faithful in any of them. He's been married twice. First wife left him for someone else. Second wife he was married to for 12 years and he left her for someone else. Then hi, there was me. 2 1/2 years gone. But he did help me get over my divorce quicker I think. He built up my self-esteem anyway. He treated me like gold until he started messing with other women. Ugh. Why am I blaming myself?? F*&^! I was doing better this morning and now I am all jacked up again.

 

sad.

[Stay]

No worries. I am just a complete basketcase. This is my first relationship since my divorce. I was married for 12 years. That didn't work out, we separated, he found someone else and he said the same when I found out (via FB which I am seriously hating again - and I removed the app from my phone, taking a break from it). Anyway, he had said the same thing - that he had never been so happy in his whole life just a few weeks after being with her and our divorce wasn't even final yet. *sigh* They are still together so. And my ex, he stays in long term relationships as well. However, he hasn't been faithful in any of them. He's been married twice. First wife left him for someone else. Second wife he was married to for 12 years and he left her for someone else. Then hi, there was me. 2 1/2 years gone. But he did help me get over my divorce quicker I think. He built up my self-esteem anyway. He treated me like gold until he started messing with other women. Ugh. Why am I blaming myself?? F*&^! I was doing better this morning and now I am all jacked up again.

 

sad.

 

He left his second wife for someone else. You should be glad this happened now before you got really serious. That's something I believe in that people will never change. If a person cheated or left the person for someone else and went into another relationship right away, he could very well do that again and again until he himself wants to change. There's nothing you could do about that so just be glad it happened sooner than later. I know it's hard but it would've been harder if you were married to him.