Smile178973 Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 I find that the intimacy, passion and romance is gone. I have to initiate hugs or snuggles, and he isn't very into when I try. He still gives me a peck goodbye and a "I love you!" every day. But kisses are just pecks, sex is almost non-existent and he's not affectionate, ever. I'm not expecting to be spooned every night before bed or sex all the time. But I would like more than a lame peck hello and goodbye everyday. I haven't been feeling good lately. I am a very emotional and sensitive person, so I wonder if this issue is the reason why I don't feel good. I just feel tired all the time. I have trouble sleeping some nights. I feel sad. My appetite goes up and down. I just hate feeling this way. He's a really good person. He cares for my family and friends. He always picks me up from work because he doesn't want me coming home in the dark. We make dinner or do other chores together. We go out on date nights. He's great everywhere else except the intimate side of the relationship. The flame just disappeared. He wasn't always like this though. I'm just tired of laying next to him while he's snoring and I'm stressing about our relationship. Does anyone know what's wrong with us or me or him? Does anyone know how to fix this? Also, I did ask him if there was something wrong with me or him or us. He said everything was fine. I told him he's just been a little distant. He told me not to worry and just to look forward to date night. We went on date night. It was fun, but not very reassuring.
carhill Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 This, absent outside influences, sounds like 'the rut'. My first suggestion would be to read the 'Five Love Languages' book. Is it customary for your H to keep issues to himself and process them away from you? If so, he may be processing stresses that you're not privy to and that, and the related emotional fallout, are chewing up emotional and intellectual time and leaving him 'tired' for the intimate side of the relationship. Any children in this mix? Also, general ages and length of M? I ask because there are points in M and life where people reassess and we each process that differently. Some retreat. A MC would likely be of help but it takes both partners wanting MC for it to work.
BlessYourCottonSocks Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 I'm very familiar with this feeling and I often contemplate if I'm lacking something deep inside. Am I too emotional? Am I too sensitive? Have I become needy? How come I care so much and he doesn't show any care? These questions never get answered and instead flick an internal roaring flame inside me to start a heated argument that usually begins with "why don't you want to do ___ with me?" "How come your not ___ anymore" "Why are you spending so much time on the computer?" "How come you don't want to have sex tonight, is it me?" I've gotten to the point where I can't sleep and have to take benadryl just to rock me to sleep. My mind often spins all day in constant thoughts of what I can do differently and how I can make him change. In the end, I just get even more frustrated as my carefully thought attempts become futile. It gets to the point, where you must ask yourself, whose happiness is more important? One thing I read and liked: “Many people lack the basic equipment to be in a relationship/marriage and there's nothing you can do to change it. You can't take a skunk and dip it in perfume and hope it becomes a puppy. Eventually, the perfume will wear off and you'll still have a skunk on your hands.” A few more worthy quotes: “Truly powerful people don't explain why they want respect. They simply don't engage someone who doesn't give it to them.” “Men don't respond to words. What they respond to is "no contact".” “Most women are starving to receive something from a man that they need to give to themselves” “she lets him see how afraid she is to be without him and he soon comes to feel as though he has a 100 percent hold on her. This is often the point when women begin to complain: “He doesn’t make enough time for me. He isn’t as romantic as he used to be.” The bitch is very nice. She is as sweet as a Georgia peach. But inside every sweet peach is a strong pit. And this means she won't explain the obvious when a man is disrespectful. “Overcompensating or being too eager to please will lessen a man’s respect; it will give the kiss of death to his attraction”
Author Smile178973 Posted November 21, 2013 Author Posted November 21, 2013 Carhill: We're not married yet, but we do live together. Saving up for the wedding and house! It's hard, but we're just about finished with school! Once we graduate our finances will be just fine, we're lucky in that aspect. We don't have kids, one day though. I have a feeling we're in a rut too. BlessYourCottonSocks: Love the name! Also, wow that sounds just like me! Thanks for the quotes. Have you figured anything out with your S/O?
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