Kercin Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 (edited) I dumped my girlfriend of almost 2years and I am feeling guilty and finding it difficult to have self belief that I am a good person. The break-up was really messy and dragged. We had some really heated convos and I have shouted at her quite a few times over the phone and have txtd her rudely. But knowing she had really strong feelings for me and having experience myself getting over others I made it very clear to her at the end that it is just done between us and when she asked if there could be any possibility of us getting back again after years, I did mention her that that it can't happen. She told me that was the most rude thing anyone could ever tell anyone. Through the relationship we've had quite a few fights and I had lost control and yelled a lot and had called her a bitch on two occasions and had her crying really really bad once, but only over phone every time I shouted. She ended up calling me an ******* and a ****ing bastard. The point is we were being very civil throughout and language was really held up, so though they are not very unusual words to both of us, while fighting it has made it really bad. Also, at times having not been able to tolerate I had become controlling which I myself recognized and tried to correct but ultimately, having not been able to successfully breakup after repeated times (cuz she appeared genuinely like she will be devastated each time), I again ended up being controlling and having had enough finally pulled the plug after almost 2 months of fighting. It ended again with accusing each other and me being really rude. She kept telling me I abused her verbally when I have only lost control of myself coz certain times she acted very immature and I had had a huge problem of feeling disrespected because of her immaturity. I have my share of mistakes but all I wanted was a break up with civility which didn't ultimately. We've broken up and its done, but I'm filled with memories of me having made her really really cry badly once over the phone and having yelled at her on many occasions. I am not able to get on with my life.. feel like I'm a bad person! Pls help! she seems to have finally taken it fine and moving on with her life from what I gather from fb but I am not! I can't think of dating another person because inspite of trying hard I feel I have ended up being a bad person! PLS PLS help! what do I gather from all this! I am ready to give more specific info.. pls help Edited November 20, 2013 by Kercin
Philosoraptor Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 Ok, you could have been more mature at times but what's done is done. Nothing you can do to change the past; so accept it, learn from it, and make better choices in the future if you are faced with the same situation. Life is a big learning experience, so learn and grow from this. Regardless, you're not a bad person for ending a relationship. Ending a relationship because you're not happy is simply being honest with someone that you don't want to be with them anymore. Let it go and move on, life is too short to let the past ruin your present and future. 3
Author Kercin Posted November 20, 2013 Author Posted November 20, 2013 (edited) Thanks a lot! But this feeling of guilt is quite overbearing! She accused me of verbally abusing her which is too much to bear! I have shouted at her badly but only on the phone every time! All I ever and always wanted was to just break up and break up as respectfully as possible! I was mean with my words! She was this girl who used to always hang out only with a bunch of guys. I had a huge problem with it as we got serious and she was really late to understand it. She never could gather that it was as simple as disrespecting me and had nothing to do with insecurity or trust which she accused me of everytime. It was difficult to express for me because I knew her friendships were just that and she was super faithful as she was very into me. But as this issue dragged, trying to balance I ended up being controlling, which I myself realized and yet it was all a huge mess. She always hung out with 4-5 guys, her colleagues, to pubs, lunch everywhere. She used to be in touch with one of her ex, another some guy who wanted to just sleep with her and numerous other guys. I hardly got to notice one or two females who were like close friends but, her two best friends were guys, one her ex and another a colleague. She cared for her collegue best friend when he met with an accident like she was his girl, had talked to him through the night once, I knew the guy myself too and knew it was just friendship, she used to tell me he's like a brother from another mother, but it was too much! She was acting so much over while trying to care for him. She was so surrounded by guys, in person over phone. Her ex had wanted to buy her some gift too. It was too much, yet what kept me going was she loved me like crazy like really crazy. and i perfectly knew her behaviour was naive. It became super irritating eventually and though I knew perfectly that it was all just friendship.. I couldn't take her this behaviour at all. Even some little thing started to panick me cuz I used to feel disrespected and like my girl was getting violated or something like that, really worse feeling! I tried to break up multiple times but she insisted she deserved another chance and she did try to correct somethings but at the end it has all fallen apart. At the end, I started to panick looking at any of her pic with any guy. I used to feel like my girl is getting violated because of her naivety. I couldn't take it and the arguments used to always get dirty cuz she appeared to think I was talking cheap about her and not talking with dignity while everytime I just told her that I couldn't take so many guys. She used to just not get what I meant! It was so dragged, I couldn't get out nor take it! I have shouted at her over phone once and she had cried really really bad, almost to the extent she passed out. It was all over the phone, never have I even raised my voice when in person. At the end, it had reached a point where she had felt she would rather kill herself than hear what I had to say, yet a few days later she would come back telling me she still loves me after I tried to clarify and make her feel better. I am quite a sensitive person and so was she. Its been weeks we had any interaction and almost two months since I broke up! But feeling so terrible, especially the accusation that i was verbally abusive, I hadn't even called her names except for b**ch only once or twice. Edited November 20, 2013 by Kercin
Shaine Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 My ex dumped me and was very rude and spiteful and callous to me. I feel like he was killing me with the way he was treating me. All those hurtful words were like a knife stabbing me again and again. I just dont understand how someone we loved so much could be that cruel to us.
drallafi Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 My ex dumped me and was very rude and spiteful and callous to me. I feel like he was killing me with the way he was treating me. All those hurtful words were like a knife stabbing me again and again. I just dont understand how someone we loved so much could be that cruel to us. In the end, it's really not cruelty. It's honesty. There's really no other way for it to go when one person wants nothing to do with the other, and the other constantly pesters the one about "us" and "getting back together". Brutal honesty = cruelty.
Author Kercin Posted November 21, 2013 Author Posted November 21, 2013 In the end, it's really not cruelty. It's honesty. There's really no other way for it to go when one person wants nothing to do with the other, and the other constantly pesters the one about "us" and "getting back together". Brutal honesty = cruelty. I absolutely agree to that! I have been dumped before and now I am the dumper! It's not easy being either! He might have appeared spiteful, callous and cruel.. but the fact is he was simply over you, the feelings had vanished! There looks to be a way to dump in a considerate way.. but trust me, I have had the experience very lately, and however you try you just can't avoid it from it getting messy! It depends on how the dumpee takes it too! The guy who dumped you I can give it to you, wouldn't be feeling great at all.. a lot of guilt and confusion would have taken over his head! I think there should be talk about how to get over after you dump someone.. because this is oft neglected but there are really lots of feelings sometimes that can make the dumper take more time than the dumpee to move on! really!
Philosoraptor Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 NC is for the dumper too. I go NC whether I'm the dumpee or dumper, just makes it easier for both parties. I'm honest with the person, as kind as possible, then I disappear. No need to respond to them, as many dumpee's will use guilt and manipulation to get a response or pull you back in. If you're 100% sure of your decision and you laid everything out honestly there is nothing more to talk about. By continuing contact you are just extending the pain.
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