Thinking of Breaking NC

November 20, 2013

I've posted a few times recently about this but my ex ended things recently after 8 months. We'd known each other for about a year. We are both new attorneys, and this Friday we get the results back from our state's bar exam - easily the hardest, most stressful test/exam either of us had ever taken.

There are a lot of reasons why we broke up (all from her end) - in part because she's crumbling from the pressure of her job, in part because she's started to exhibit some depression-like symptoms and in part because tension/fear about failing this bar exam has been overwhelming. Except for a few brief texts when her dog died, we've been NC since the breakup almost 2 weeks ago. We ended on really good terms, with her recognizing/saying she knows she's in a really bad place/is broken and needs to fix herself. After we get those results back this Friday, I want to break NC and try to reach out to her - maybe give her a call or leave her a voicemail. If she passes, I wanna congratulate her/be happy for her that at least part of her stress/anxiety gets relieved. If she fails, I'm very worried she might have a nervous breakdown or something bad, and I just want to make sure she's ok.

I still love her and I miss her so much, but I also don't have many illusions about what any contact might do. I've been doing my best to move on - talking with/spending time with friends, have a date thurs night, etc. I don't think that breaking NC about exam results will necessarily change out situation because she needs to figure out how to handle her new career and it's more than just the stress from the exam results that was killing her. When we broke up, one of the last things I said to her was that even if we couldn't be in a relationship now or maybe ever again, id still always be there for her if she needed/wanted me to. And I don't know if she does need/want it, but I only want to break NC briefly just to let her know I meant it.

I'm sure I'm going to get slammed with advice on not to do this...and I know it could set me back. But I still want to...what do you all think?

November 20, 2013

I've posted a few times recently about this but my ex ended things recently after 8 months. We'd known each other for about a year. We are both new attorneys, and this Friday we get the results back from our state's bar exam - easily the hardest, most stressful test/exam either of us had ever taken.

There are a lot of reasons why we broke up (all from her end) - in part because she's crumbling from the pressure of her job, in part because she's started to exhibit some depression-like symptoms and in part because tension/fear about failing this bar exam has been overwhelming. Except for a few brief texts when her dog died, we've been NC since the breakup almost 2 weeks ago. We ended on really good terms, with her recognizing/saying she knows she's in a really bad place/is broken and needs to fix herself. After we get those results back this Friday, I want to break NC and try to reach out to her - maybe give her a call or leave her a voicemail. If she passes, I wanna congratulate her/be happy for her that at least part of her stress/anxiety gets relieved. If she fails, I'm very worried she might have a nervous breakdown or something bad, and I just want to make sure she's ok.

I still love her and I miss her so much, but I also don't have many illusions about what any contact might do. I've been doing my best to move on - talking with/spending time with friends, have a date thurs night, etc. I don't think that breaking NC about exam results will necessarily change out situation because she needs to figure out how to handle her new career and it's more than just the stress from the exam results that was killing her. When we broke up, one of the last things I said to her was that even if we couldn't be in a relationship now or maybe ever again, id still always be there for her if she needed/wanted me to. And I don't know if she does need/want it, but I only want to break NC briefly just to let her know I meant it.

I'm sure I'm going to get slammed with advice on not to do this...and I know it could set me back. But I still want to...what do you all think?

It doesn't accomlpish anything.

You're trying to act like you don't secretly want her to suddenly be really nice to you and get back together.

That's all anyone ever wants. It's too rosy and isn't based in reality.

focus thinking of things to talk about on your date tomorrow

November 20, 2013

Don't focus on getting your ex back because here's the problem focusing on getting her back will not only lessen the chances and Ironically, "NOT TRYING" will give you the best chance.

what you should do is move on in your life perhaps go date other women

because she is not going to feel those "FEELINGS" for you if you stay in touch with them and being "NICE" to them.

Give her space man, Give her the gift of missing you. When it comes to giving her attention at this part of the relationship, less is more. Giving her exactly what she ask for "SPACE"

November 20, 2013

I think your heart is going to get stabbed multiple times. It's a really dumb idea, but I doubt you'll listen, so good luck.

November 20, 2013

I can't tell you what to do if I was in your position after 2 weeks I probably would. But me 7 months later, I don't see the point. Rationalization is lying to ourselves. We aren't being honest when we are being nice or selfless. No we want them to say they've missed us and how amazing it is to hear from us. We want them to get jealous that we go on dates and start new relationships. So do what you think is best for you. You aren't going to be a bad person if you don't, in case you are worried she will think you are, and it won't bring her back if you do. Best of luck

November 20, 2013

I can't tell you what to do if I was in your position after 2 weeks I probably would. But me 7 months later, I don't see the point. Rationalization is lying to ourselves. We aren't being honest when we are being nice or selfless. No we want them to say they've missed us and how amazing it is to hear from us. We want them to get jealous that we go on dates and start new relationships. So do what you think is best for you. You aren't going to be a bad person if you don't, in case you are worried she will think you are, and it won't bring her back if you do. Best of luck

Thanks everyone for responding. I do think that this is part of it - I'm not exactly reaching out with the pure hope that it'll do anything. I can't lie and say that I wouldn't like it if she had a very positive reaction/it sparked more convo. And I am very aware that reaching out probably won't do anything.

I guess part of the reason why I want to do it is for my own sake, if that makes sense. I know it delays the moving on process, but when I look back on this many months or years from now, I kind of want to be able to say that I did continue to try to be there for her, whatever the result. Again, I don't mean to contradict myself or delude myself, but even though it's absolutely done, the situation was weird because I didn't/couldn't "fight" at all to keep us going. Because the problem was never me, it wouldn't do any good to tell her how much we meant or how much I care about her, etc. The one thing I can do (even of I shouldn't) is to at least try to reach out/be supportive, so at the VERY LEAST I can look back and remember that I tried. Is that so terrible?

November 20, 2013

Thanks everyone for responding. I do think that this is part of it - I'm not exactly reaching out with the pure hope that it'll do anything. I can't lie and say that I wouldn't like it if she had a very positive reaction/it sparked more convo. And I am very aware that reaching out probably won't do anything.

I guess part of the reason why I want to do it is for my own sake, if that makes sense. I know it delays the moving on process, but when I look back on this many months or years from now, I kind of want to be able to say that I did continue to try to be there for her, whatever the result. Again, I don't mean to contradict myself or delude myself, but even though it's absolutely done, the situation was weird because I didn't/couldn't "fight" at all to keep us going. Because the problem was never me, it wouldn't do any good to tell her how much we meant or how much I care about her, etc. The one thing I can do (even of I shouldn't) is to at least try to reach out/be supportive, so at the VERY LEAST I can look back and remember that I tried. Is that so terrible?

What you don't seem to get is she's not there for you. You being there for her doesn't mean a thing -- she already gave you up. It's up to her to decide to be there for you again -- you telling you that you are there for her when she doesn't care is a worthless enterprise. You fight for the relationship in the relationship, not after it's broken. So yes, it is that terrible. If she cared whether or not you were there for her, she wouldn't have set you free in the first place.

This isn't Hollywood. What happens in romcoms isn't supposed to mirror real life -- it's supposed to entertain. Leave the romcom stuff to them and please don't do this.

November 20, 2013

I know that you're, for the most part, 100% right. I'm not trying to disagree. I guess one question I have then, is how do I fully move on with the feeling that I might've been able to do more to fight to keep the relationship but just didn't? I don't want to have a regret that I should've been there for her, or really just reached out to her (whether or not she wants it) in order to help heal my own future angst - that even though it wasn't going to work/didn't work/maybe set me back...I still tried.

November 20, 2013

I know that you're, for the most part, 100% right. I'm not trying to disagree. I guess one question I have then, is how do I fully move on with the feeling that I might've been able to do more to fight to keep the relationship but just didn't? I don't want to have a regret that I should've been there for her, or really just reached out to her (whether or not she wants it) in order to help heal my own future angst - that even though it wasn't going to work/didn't work/maybe set me back...I still tried.

I really don't know how to talk you out of a completely delusional thought that you planted in your head. If you stay NC and you move forward and you work to recover, that thought will leave on its own.

November 20, 2013

I know that you're, for the most part, 100% right. I'm not trying to disagree. I guess one question I have then, is how do I fully move on with the feeling that I might've been able to do more to fight to keep the relationship but just didn't? I don't want to have a regret that I should've been there for her, or really just reached out to her (whether or not she wants it) in order to help heal my own future angst - that even though it wasn't going to work/didn't work/maybe set me back...I still tried.

There is no trying here. There is nothing you can do, no song you can sing, no letter you can write, no words you can say, no amount of unconditional support or love or kindness that could have changed the outcome of your relationship. There is nothing you can do. It is over. She is gone. You need to accept that. You can't change anything, this is how things are.

Here are a few things I do when I want to break NC.

- if they don't reply, how will you feel?

- if they reply to tell you to leave them alone, how will you feel?

- if they reply to tell you they have a new bf/gf, how will you feel?

- if they reply and are kind and nice but still don't want you back and you look like a fool for being hung up on them, how will you feel?

- if they show the message to their friends, how will you feel?

- if they go around bragging about how you are clearly still hung up on them, how will you feel?

- if you find out that if you had waited a few more days, they would have reached out to you, but you've made yourself unattractive and desperate again, how will you feel?

and so on. Respect yourself. Don't do it.

November 20, 2013

I really don't know how to talk you out of a completely delusional thought that you planted in your head. If you stay NC and you move forward and you work to recover, that thought will leave on its own.

do not contact her again. If she wants you she will come back. Silence is golden.

I promise that the girl you’re chasing isn’t worth it. That the Oneitis your suffering from is not your soul-mate. That the girl you’re driving yourself crazy over won’t make you happy. That you’re better off dumping your garbage instead of trying to recycle it. I promise that heartbreak is nothing easy, but that is something every man must go through. And the more times he goes through it, the stronger he becomes. I promise that all you need to do is grind your teeth and keep telling yourself “push through.” That there will be nights when you’re sure “I messed up the greatest thing in my life,” and that if you accidentally believe yourself, you’ll regret it for a lifetime.

November 20, 2013

I only read thread name, and Simons advice.

First to your thread name, don't do it, it won't accomplish anything, and I'm sure as **** that you'll be set back to day one to restart this whole fighting process.

And response to simon, bingo!!!!

Barky

November 21, 2013

I'm reading/digesting everything, thanks all. This breakup isn't even close to as horrible as my last one a few years ago, so I'm not sure why I'm struggling so badly with this one. I just deleted all of her texts from my phones/chat history from my Facebook, changed her name in my phone to DO NOT CALL and hid all Facebook newsfeed updates coming from her. Again though, the thing I'm struggling with, especially in a breakup like this one (not to try and make it seem unique at all) is how to get over this feeling that I didn't fight enough for it. I hear everything what you're all saying - that it's not me but her that would need to fight for it to make it ever work again, that there's nothing left to fight for, etc. Despite all that, I can't shake this horrible feeling that she's gone and I should do something, anything to fight for it - even something as pointless as reaching out. How do I know I'm not going to regret not reaching out a long time from now? I know there's the terrible potential for contact to make me lose any/all ground I've made and to put me back in the hole. But what if all of that is worth it just so one day I can look back and tell myself I tried one last time?

November 21, 2013

I'm reading/digesting everything, thanks all. This breakup isn't even close to as horrible as my last one a few years ago, so I'm not sure why I'm struggling so badly with this one. I just deleted all of her texts from my phones/chat history from my Facebook, changed her name in my phone to DO NOT CALL and hid all Facebook newsfeed updates coming from her. Again though, the thing I'm struggling with, especially in a breakup like this one (not to try and make it seem unique at all) is how to get over this feeling that I didn't fight enough for it. I hear everything what you're all saying - that it's not me but her that would need to fight for it to make it ever work again, that there's nothing left to fight for, etc. Despite all that, I can't shake this horrible feeling that she's gone and I should do something, anything to fight for it - even something as pointless as reaching out. How do I know I'm not going to regret not reaching out a long time from now? I know there's the terrible potential for contact to make me lose any/all ground I've made and to put me back in the hole. But what if all of that is worth it just so one day I can look back and tell myself I tried one last time?

You are deluding yourself. If you are meant to have a second chance with this woman, she'll have to do the legwork. Sometimes you have to sit back, stop meddling and plotting and let life do its work. That's a hell of a lot more effective than any scheming you could cook up.

But yeah, you are telling yourself delusional nonsense right now. It's somewhat normal, but you have to fight through it and not give in. Don't be that guy, no one likes that clingy, wussy, weak guy who can't take a hint. You'll find that if you concentrate on yourself, your perspective will change. It did for me. I wanted to send that last thing, fight one more time, but I didn't. I let it pass. I did eventually contact her after I healed and when push came to shove, it was me saying "Woah, this is a little weird" not her. Either way, you'll find that your delusional thoughts will disappear as you continue to move forward.

November 21, 2013

I'm reading/digesting everything, thanks all. This breakup isn't even close to as horrible as my last one a few years ago, so I'm not sure why I'm struggling so badly with this one. I just deleted all of her texts from my phones/chat history from my Facebook, changed her name in my phone to DO NOT CALL and hid all Facebook newsfeed updates coming from her. Again though, the thing I'm struggling with, especially in a breakup like this one (not to try and make it seem unique at all) is how to get over this feeling that I didn't fight enough for it. I hear everything what you're all saying - that it's not me but her that would need to fight for it to make it ever work again, that there's nothing left to fight for, etc. Despite all that, I can't shake this horrible feeling that she's gone and I should do something, anything to fight for it - even something as pointless as reaching out. How do I know I'm not going to regret not reaching out a long time from now? I know there's the terrible potential for contact to make me lose any/all ground I've made and to put me back in the hole. But what if all of that is worth it just so one day I can look back and tell myself I tried one last time?

Yes, she is gone, by her own choice. It's not your job to change her mind or win her back. In fact, these things are COMPLETELY out of your control. What is under your control are your own actions and decisions. At this point, I urge you to direct any and all "fighting" impulses to your own dignity, self-respect, and healing. I know you are hurting, and I know you want her back, but all you can do now is take the best possible care of yourself and prioritize your own well-being, not hers. Breaking contact will almost certainly set you back and make you miserable (see countless threads on this topic); please don't waste your valuable time on this fool's errand.

November 21, 2013

I know that you're, for the most part, 100% right. I'm not trying to disagree. I guess one question I have then, is how do I fully move on with the feeling that I might've been able to do more to fight to keep the relationship but just didn't? I don't want to have a regret that I should've been there for her, or really just reached out to her (whether or not she wants it) in order to help heal my own future angst - that even though it wasn't going to work/didn't work/maybe set me back...I still tried.

I feel you may be in denial that your girlfriend doesn't want to be with you. It's possible the true underlying reason you'd like to "be there for her" is because you cannot believe that she deep down doesn't want to be with you. That with more contact, she will come to her senses and want to be with you again.

But this is the wrong strategy. The only way to possibly get her back one day is to give her space and go NC. You don't really want to "be there for her" - bottom line is you want her back!

November 21, 2013

Correct. Dont go searching to compound misery upon misery. Dont do it my friend.

I think your heart is going to get stabbed multiple times. It's a really dumb idea, but I doubt you'll listen, so good luck.

November 22, 2013

The exam results/our time of extreme stress comes out in two hours. I know that if I get either good or bad news I'm going to get very drunk either way. Like the hundreds of other people who took the test (including my ex), who will similarly be getting very drunk tonight. I'm terrified I'm going to drunk text or drunk dial her...especially because I already want to so bad. Been thinking about her all day, and I just want to see how she's doing. What do I do??! Should I delete her number out of my phone?? Feel like I'm falling apart

November 23, 2013

The exam results/our time of extreme stress comes out in two hours. I know that if I get either good or bad news I'm going to get very drunk either way. Like the hundreds of other people who took the test (including my ex), who will similarly be getting very drunk tonight. I'm terrified I'm going to drunk text or drunk dial her...especially because I already want to so bad. Been thinking about her all day, and I just want to see how she's doing. What do I do??! Should I delete her number out of my phone?? Feel like I'm falling apart

Delete it immediately.

November 23, 2013

I'm thinking of going to Alaska and fighting a grizzly bear.

My idea is better...

November 23, 2013

Please read my thread contacted ex.... Sigh. Posted today.

I did. Now my heart is on the reset button.

Don't do it. You might think its no big deal but you can't anticipate the affect it will have on you. These people on here are right. No contact is the best option.

November 23, 2013

Can I come and watch?

sure. You can pitch in on the cost of the raw steaks that I'm going to strap to my body.

November 23, 2013

Well? I hope you didnt drunk dial her. You should have all her contacts deleted. Listen to the advice. You cant do a thing man. She ended it. Thats it. Its meant to be very difficult to comprehend. Break ups hurt, but Guaranteed, you message her again, and automatically you become that irritating freak that cant take 'NO' for an answer. Stay strong

November 23, 2013

The exam results/our time of extreme stress comes out in two hours. I know that if I get either good or bad news I'm going to get very drunk either way. Like the hundreds of other people who took the test (including my ex), who will similarly be getting very drunk tonight. I'm terrified I'm going to drunk text or drunk dial her...especially because I already want to so bad. Been thinking about her all day, and I just want to see how she's doing. What do I do??! Should I delete her number out of my phone?? Feel like I'm falling apart

Doing nothing will be better for you in the long run. She may think, wow, he knew this was a very important test and yet he didn't contact me. Why? What is he doing? Did he pass? Is he celebrating? Where? With who?

You're now in her head. Bingo, mission accomplished.

Your plan - you come off as needy and gives her a chance to maintain control.

Edited November 23, 2013 by organizedchaos

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