Coping with a sudden end to a relationship

[Redd85]

I am wondering if anyone has ever had a long term relationship ending suddenly and how they moved forward from it.

 

A little bit of background - I was with my girlfriend for 20 months, we were very close and loved each other deeply. She had previously been in a marriage which had ended when her husband repeatedly cheated on her. She became single at 35 and with 2 children she thought she would be single forever. She met me about 6 months after the break up of her marriage. She has a very stressful job to the point that she was often ill because of work, for example she would catch colds in the summer and struggle with sleep.

 

Everything was fine up until a month before we broke up. She started acting out of character one week which coincided with a very stressful time for her at work. However all of a sudden the problem she was having at work that week was solved and we went back to been exactly as we had been before. Everything was fine. The last time I saw her she said she had missed me, we were kissing and cuddling and she told me that she loved me lots when she left. I had no idea that would be the last time I saw her.

 

A week later she phoned me to tell me it was over as she felt too stressed out trying to juggle her job, me and her kids. I tried to persuade her that it would be OK but she was adament the decision had been made. She was acting so out of character, it was like I was speaking to a stranger, she was not the girl that I had known for over a year and a half. It felt like a bad dream. I know there is no chance of a reconciliation.

 

I am having problems trying to move forward from this for one main reason. I felt that I knew this girl inside out, that our love was strong, I honestly thought that she would never leave me. Everything in our relationship was perfect, we never argued or had any other problems, yet we still ended up breaking up with hardly any warning.

 

I am confident that in time I will meet someone else. However if I meet someone else and everything seems great, I am now always going to have this nagging doubt in my head that things could end at any time without warning. The thought of this is preventing me from moving forward.

 

Has anybody else been in a similar situation and how did you trust / put faith in anyone again?

Edited November 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[TrappedWanderer]

Not much advise, only commiseration. I, too, am struggling with an abrupt end to a relationship and am wondering how I'll ever be able to put my faith in someone else again. I did that and this breakup came totally out of the blue. LSers that have moved on, how did you do it??

[Pa76]

I am putting my profile back up this week on same dating site I met him on. I will take my time this time getting to know each guy. I will also remind myself each guy is not my ex. My friends are all married and they had crap men in their past. Now they are with wonderful men. Sucks so bad when someone breaks our heart but one day you will feel you can get back out there and you will meet that person. My friends still remember aholes from past but doesn't affect their marriages. Give yourself time to heal then get back out.

[Stay]

I don't think it's as sudden as you thought it was, she has her own issues she needs to straighten out before getting into a relationship you want. You need to find someone that is willing to give you their all if you want a serious relationship. It could be a lot more behind the breakup that she didn't tell you.

 

Just think about it, you don't wake up one day from being happy and then wanting to break up. It's been on her mind for a while she was just very good at hiding it. She probably wanted to see if it would get better before she actually go through with the decision. I hope you the best as I felt like things are sudden but the more you think about it, nothing is sudden at all. From purchasing a car or house to relationships, it's just never as instant as you think it is. It will get better, sometimes it just doesn't work out.

[RespectfullyAlone]

Redd85, I'm sorry to hear about the end to your relationship. I had an almost identical end to mine as yours. She had 3 very young kids, her husband had cheated on her many times. She had been separated from him for a year.

 

She ended it by sending me a FB msg whilst I was overseas with my Dad on a wilderness camping trip. I didn't find out until 2 days after she had sent the msg, and it was last New Years eve at 9pm. By the time I had found out, she was already hooking up with her other guy, thus her telling me in her msg to not ask her to change her mind. However she didn't say anything about this new guy at this point and put it all down to small things as to why she felt she needed to end the relationship. It wasn't until I challenged her about them, that she confessed there was another guy. What a way to end a year, and begin a new one

 

Trust your instinct here. It wasn't just her job that was stressing her out. As if it was, she'd find solace in your company after a hard days work. Sounds very much like there was someone else in the picture. And for whatever reason, either she sparred you the details, or was too cowardly to admit things.

 

That was the situation in my case. I challenged her on her "reasons" for ending our relationship stating they were not reasons people end relationships, rather things to clarify and work on. At that point, she finally revealed she was in love with someone else. But I always got the sense that she was only telling me just enough, but not being totally open and honest.

 

As for putting your trust into someone else... my own personal experience with women... you can never trust them. Not fully. All my relationships have ended in this way, with mostly the girls all having other guys, or who knows, just disappearing. The relationships have ended almost instantly and I've never heard from any of them again. That doesn't do ones confidence any good over time. It also doesn't help your instincts to trust someone either.

 

And yes, you will probably always have that nagging feeling that at any moment whatever woman you are with, she can leave just like that, no explanations, no chances to "fight" for your relationship. Woman have pretty much all the power in today's modern day relationships. It's always the guys chasing the girls, and thus they can just sit back and window shop / pick and choose. Seems more so on dating sites, where either the women's profiles are fake, or they don't bother to even reply despite their profile descriptions saying to write them a nice thoughtful hello, rather than just saying "Hi". So you do, and silence.

 

Anyway unless you're famous, wealthy, handsome, or some version of the 3, us average guys will always be the hopers.

[Redd85]

I feel your pain RespectfullyAlone. However, I don't think there was anyone else. She never hid her phone whilst texting and there has not been any men adding her on facebook or anything. Also the only place she would meet someone would be at work and she works at home quite a bit. Of course I cannot totally rule another man out. The reasons she gave were reasons for working on the relationship not ending it.

 

It's just hard for me to believe that she was faking her feelings the last month or so, nothing had changed in our relationship.

[2fargone]

I always trust a new relationship 100% by the time I can call it a relationship. For me, there is no other way. It's just how I am...

[fixing]

Sorry to hear about this redd. She obviously hasnt told you the real truth, or full story. Its going to be very tough, and only time will help you get through this.

I had a 15 month relationship end in Sept 2012. (Different story to yours) I loved this woman, let her live rent free, all was absolutely perfect, trusted her 100%. Until, i found out through her facebook that she had cheated at least once, i didnt look any further and told her to leave. She upped and left completely unapologetic and i havent heard from her since. I have however found out that she had cheated on me multiple times and had the other guy in my house as a 'friend' many times..

Trust me, you can only trust yourself, and your instincts. My ex played the 'perfect wife' for me, when in reality, she was using me and humiliating me. She instantly ran off with her best friends husband straight after.

So, my advice to you is, love yourself, and live life again, give yourself time to get over this sudden, heartbreaking end. You did nothing wrong, its not your fault, its all on her. You will never know why she left. And dont try and find out.

But letting this 'fear' of being abandoned affect future relationships is pointless. We never know what the future brings us, you have no control of the future, you can only be your be your best to women, and if they dont appreciate that, than **** them. And be more closed and reserved for the next relationship.