Realist3 Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 Are you okay with your wife having her own affair on the side to for her happiness? Sure. Who am I to object?
Sub Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 I don't know if that is the correct term, it is more like an agreement. I see. To each their own. Is it considered an affair, then, if there is such an agreement? This is probably for a different discussion, but I wonder what, then, would define an open marriage. 1
OpheliaSong Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 I see. To each their own. Is it considered an affair, then, if there is such an agreement? This is probably for a different discussion, but I wonder what, then, would define an open marriage. No, it is an open marriage if both partners agree, but an affair if one is being lied to. 2
Realist3 Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 I don't know how in the world you manage to compartmentalize - my work suffered over the last year whilst she excelled and I have had some really bad mood swings. I can't say I'm compartmentalizing as I don't have any conflicting feelings over this.
Realist3 Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 (edited) I see. To each their own. Is it considered an affair, then, if there is such an agreement? This is probably for a different discussion, but I wonder what, then, would define an open marriage. From my understanding an open marriage is where either partner can hook up with whomever they so like. Mine is not that way. My wife agreed to a discreet relationship with this one particular person. If I started sleeping with numerous women all across town, that would be a no go, nor would I ever do that. I call it an affair given that MOW does not have a similar agreement.. Edited December 3, 2013 by Realist3
Owl Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 I don't know if that is the correct term, it is more like an agreement. Is it an agreement? Was it discussed, and mutually agreed to? Or was it just something that you've been doing, but she's not taken action to stop you? 2
violet1 Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 Is it an agreement? Was it discussed, and mutually agreed to? Or was it just something that you've been doing, but she's not taken action to stop you? It sounds like to me he has a don't ask, don't tell type of relationship with his wife. I've heard of couples having these arrangements before. It usually when the couples aren't happy and they are only staying for kids, finances, etc. Again, I don't think it's healthy. I think it's cruel because it gives kids a false idea of what marriage is about. I almost think it sets his children up to have bad relationships in their future. Realist, would you want your daughters being married to a man who doesn't love them and is in love with another woman because it makes HIM happy? 2
Realist3 Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 Is it an agreement? Was it discussed, and mutually agreed to? Or was it just something that you've been doing, but she's not taken action to stop you? It is an agreement. She knows who it is. They are somewhat friends, they play games together on their smart phones, MOW has coached one of my daughter's sports teams together with my wife. She just placed some stipulations on the deal, discreet, keep it out of her face, and don't embarrass her i.e. don't let it get discovered or be public information.
Owl Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 It is an agreement. She knows who it is. They are somewhat friends, they play games together on their smart phones, MOW has coached one of my daughter's sports teams together with my wife. She just placed some stipulations on the deal, discreet, keep it out of her face, and don't embarrass her i.e. don't let it get discovered or be public information. If it was discussed openly between the two of you, and you both agreed for it to continue and you've abided by the stipulations she's requested...then from my perspective it's not an affair on your part...although it likely remains one on MOW's part. 2
Goodbye Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 It is an agreement. She knows who it is. They are somewhat friends, they play games together on their smart phones, MOW has coached one of my daughter's sports teams together with my wife. She just placed some stipulations on the deal, discreet, keep it out of her face, and don't embarrass her i.e. don't let it get discovered or be public information. Really? So she knows there is sex between you and this OW? And she is OK with that? Really? 1
summerdowling87 Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 So I'm guessing that's it's okay if the BS do the same as the WS just as long as you stay married? 1
Realist3 Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 Really? So she knows there is sex between you and this OW? And she is OK with that? Really? Really. 8 9 10
Realist3 Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 If it was discussed openly between the two of you, and you both agreed for it to continue and you've abided by the stipulations she's requested...then from my perspective it's not an affair on your part...although it likely remains one on MOW's part. True, but in my eyes I am still an MOM because of that, so it is an affair.
Snipercatt Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 True, but in my eyes I am still an MOM because of that, so it is an affair. Hmmm. . .I'd say you are in an open marriage. The nature of your R isn't governed by your status as MOM, but by the understanding between you and your wife and your MOW. Your MOW may be in an affair, depending on what her H knows, but you seem to be in an open marriage. Not that it matters, except the tensions and angst are quite different in an open marriage than in an affair. 1
Peanut9330 Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 I have a question...? on this topic To the people that are having affairs and do not plan on getting divorced... how would you feel if your SO was having an affair as well?
violet1 Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 Hmmm. . .I'd say you are in an open marriage. The nature of your R isn't governed by your status as MOM, but by the understanding between you and your wife and your MOW. Your MOW may be in an affair, depending on what her H knows, but you seem to be in an open marriage. Not that it matters, except the tensions and angst are quite different in an open marriage than in an affair. I agree with this. There were quite a few men who were in open marriages that hit on me when I was seeking an affairs. I wanted someone in the exact same situation. I didn't want my affair partner's wife knowing anything about me. I know it sounds crazy, but that's how I felt at the time. As f*cked up as it sounds, I liked the secret at first. ExMM and I used to say how much we loved that no one knew about our secret fantasy relationship. We used to say it was something only he and I shared. We'd still be very active in the fantasy land if I hadn't broke it off.
Ziz Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 [quote Yes. I've been risking it for two years. I don't have any regrets. We have played it pretty safe. Well let's wait and see how "safe" it will be in the near future. I hope you know how damaging what you're doing is. 1
Realist3 Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 Hayley, my apologizes for the thread jack. Realist, please tell me you're joking? Please tell me your MW is not a heartless and cold person that would do that to her H? Nothing sickens me more than a cheater who puts their BS through a fake reconciliation. My exMM and I never got caught. If we had and he put his W through a false R, I would have lost ALL love and respect for him. I guess I'm about to find out. "I don't know how to say this, so I will just say it. ******* asked me to go to marriage counseling and I agreed. After our trip I lost it. As much as I tried to fight it I couldn't keep up the charade with *******. You took me too far, and I could hide it no longer. I was even more distant and detached from him than I had ever been. It hit me when my children asked me what was wrong. Heck, you even noticed it when you asked me if I needed a break three weeks ago. When I said no, I was only fooling myself. Thank you for talking some sense into me. I figured with Christmas break we would have a bit of a break anyway with all that is going on, but now with the counseling I feel we need a firm break until all of this settles. We agreed that staying married was our best path, and I need to find some happy middle ground because I have lost that. This is my idea. I know we have at least three parties coming up. We can't ignore each other because that would be a red flag, but I think we need to limit any contact outside of those until you get back from your trip at the end of January. This will give me time to get my bearings, get my relationship with ******* on better ground. This will be hard for both of us but I have to do it or you know where it is going. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but for all of us I think it is the best course of action right now. Know that even though we won't be talking for awhile the fire will always burn while we are apart. Always, my love."
Popsicle Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 This is an interesting thread. It gives us single OW/OM insight into how married AP's feel.
BrokenPrincess Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 Realist, how do you feel about all that? Do you think your MOW is truly in agreement that staying in your Ms is the best decision? My AP and I were both married & no plans to D, but after we spent time apart post DDay, I wondered if it was a mistake, if we actually would've been happier together with our amazing connection. If he had come back and said he wanted to leave his W, I no longer thought that was completely put of the question. Now, with the distance of 7 mo NC, it seems absurd again. I want to be with my H and family, but it just makes me wonder about your MOW... If she would also leave her H if you wanted to be with her exclusively.
whatatangledweb Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 I guess I'm about to find out. "I don't know how to say this, so I will just say it. ******* asked me to go to marriage counseling and I agreed. After our trip I lost it. As much as I tried to fight it I couldn't keep up the charade with *******. You took me too far, and I could hide it no longer. I was even more distant and detached from him than I had ever been. It hit me when my children asked me what was wrong. Heck, you even noticed it when you asked me if I needed a break three weeks ago. When I said no, I was only fooling myself. Thank you for talking some sense into me. I figured with Christmas break we would have a bit of a break anyway with all that is going on, but now with the counseling I feel we need a firm break until all of this settles. We agreed that staying married was our best path, and I need to find some happy middle ground because I have lost that. This is my idea. I know we have at least three parties coming up. We can't ignore each other because that would be a red flag, but I think we need to limit any contact outside of those until you get back from your trip at the end of January. This will give me time to get my bearings, get my relationship with ******* on better ground. This will be hard for both of us but I have to do it or you know where it is going. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but for all of us I think it is the best course of action right now. Know that even though we won't be talking for awhile the fire will always burn while we are apart. Always, my love." It seems like she would rather be with you. I know you both have children . They do adapt to divorce. Mine did. I do not understand her doing this to her husband. Meaning she is having him believe that she is working on their marriage. I believe your wife knows but doesn't want to know.. As in she told you not to put it in her face. You have been doing it for years and it appears she can't handle it. Why not end it? Or both divorce? I know you have said they the two of you are happy as it is. She does not seem to be happy. She is unable to fake it with her husband any more.
Realist3 Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 Realist, how do you feel about all that? Do you think your MOW is truly in agreement that staying in your Ms is the best decision? My AP and I were both married & no plans to D, but after we spent time apart post DDay, I wondered if it was a mistake, if we actually would've been happier together with our amazing connection. If he had come back and said he wanted to leave his W, I no longer thought that was completely put of the question. Now, with the distance of 7 mo NC, it seems absurd again. I want to be with my H and family, but it just makes me wonder about your MOW... If she would also leave her H if you wanted to be with her exclusively. We have discussed all sorts of scenarios, and yes I think she is in agreement or she would not have stated the above. There was a specific trigger just a few days ago when it was just me, her, and my oldest daughter in a public place for about 15 minutes. She knows my family unit is very important to me. More important than her and I being together exclusively. As to your second question, yes. We have talked about it extensively. Last year almost the exact same thing happened. We got super involved and she started her usual pull back, although it is never been a "push pull" it was a long string of roller coaster activity. She has always battled within herself to keep things in a comfort zone. I had had enough, and kind of -paced the course of action over the past year after an idea to break. After a few days she came back with the idea of just letting all out in the open, and I said no. How do I feel about all of it? I think it ****ing sucks. The worst part is that my dog dies the morning of my wife's birthday and I get this email. Talk about a mix of emotions, all the while having to put on a big happy face for all of W's b-day activities. She wasn't alone in how the build up had been going. I was right with her, but my situation is a bit different. I don't have to hide as much as her, plus a bunch of other demands she faces with her particularities in her family dynamic. Yes, I was looking forward to a fun holiday season with her. Not gonna happen, but in the long term it is for the best for everyone involved.
Realist3 Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 It seems like she would rather be with you. I know you both have children . They do adapt to divorce. Mine did. I do not understand her doing this to her husband. Meaning she is having him believe that she is working on their marriage. I believe your wife knows but doesn't want to know.. As in she told you not to put it in her face. You have been doing it for years and it appears she can't handle it. Why not end it? Or both divorce? I know you have said they the two of you are happy as it is. She does not seem to be happy. She is unable to fake it with her husband any more. She does, but she also knows that I'm not on board with that idea right now. This has been a long ride, and I'm not about to make a decision that is life altering for both of us based on her over-flowing emotions after one trip, and her husband seeking MC. If she had not lost it it would have been a great holiday season. The MC thing I think she is being smart. There is never going to be a full R, but they need to find a place where it is good 'enough'. She let it slide and he sure as heck did. i want that to work out. I told her my biggest fear was not that MC would help the relationship, but that it may lead to him recognizing it is truly over. That forces my hand. I want her to find a way to keep her marriage afloat.
Realist3 Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 There was a specific trigger just a few days ago when it was just me, her, and my oldest daughter in a public place for about 15 minutes. I want to add this was happenstance, not arranged.
veritas lux mea Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 I have a question...? on this topic To the people that are having affairs and do not plan on getting divorced... how would you feel if your SO was having an affair as well? I am not in an affair anymore but i would love if my husband was cheating because we could open our marriage up though i might be pissed for a bit because he had an oppurtunity to tell me when I confessed but I am sure we'd get past it. If you really want something you go after it.
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