Having your cake.

[hayleym]

My OM has been expressing his desire to have a similar connection to his wife as he has with me. He doesn't want to end our relationship he just wants to feel the sexual desire and friendship, that we have, with his wife too.

He's been working on that a lot at home and in order to keep myself from feeling like crap about that I've been trying to do the same with my husband to. I see it as a good thing.

 

I want my OM to be happy, and I know having a better connection with his wife would help him feel over all fulfilled. The thing is she has not at all been receptive to his advances. He has been trying to be more affectionate, trying to stay home more, taking her on dates, and confiding in her and she has reacted by telling him he's being strange. He hasn't done anything majorly out of character so no huge red flags.

 

I guess what we are both noticing is when we start to get close to each other we see everything that we are missing at home.

 

Basically the connection that me and him have is making us wish we had that with our partners. In the beginning of the affair it was all excitement and a rush, and it still is a lot of the time, but the 'what ifs' are really starting to get in the way I guess.

 

I love this man. I just want him to be happy. I think About his happiness above all others, Even when I'm trying not too.

 

Things moved along so easily and with no problems at all, Until it clicked in his mind that he was in love with me.

 

As soon as he realized he was in love with me, Our friendship changed and so did he.

 

He is still very much in love with his wife just a very different kind of relationship. I love my husband too but it is also very different and can't be compared.

 

I'm wondering what I can do to help. I am thinking either give him space for a while to accept that his relationship with his wife is what it is, and it's ok it's not the same as what we have, because what me and him have is different than what they have and what me and my husband have is different to, not better or worse, just very different.

 

To be clear, I have not said anything against his wife and he knows I want them to stay together, I am not even pushing to continue the affair, he knows I will be ok ending it whenever it comes to that, it would hurt, but I'm thinking about the long term and want our marriages to last.

 

Neither of us wants the affair to end.

 

Any thoughts? Anyone go through this before?

 

We both want to stay in our marriages, in the beginning it was obvious that the affair was just the icing on the cake of pretty good lives, but the longer it's gone on the more both of us wish we had a better connection to our partners too. We realized how much was missing.

Edited November 20, 2013 by hayleym

[Quiet Storm]

If you want the connection back with your spouses, you will have to genuinely let each other go.

 

Right now, even though he is trying with his wife, he is also feeding his attraction to you. He has to starve his attraction for you, which means cutting contact and moving on.

 

The grass isn't greener on the other side- it's greener where you water it. Right now, he's watering both lawns. He needs to water his own grass ONLY.

 

If he has you as an outlet for unmet needs, it will put off a confrontation with his wife that needs to happen. If he is really doing all this for her and she is not responding, he needs to explore that and find out why. Not having you as an option will push him to really do that. It's too easy for him now to say "I tried being nice to her and she still didn't want to have sex with me, so I'll just go get my needs met by hayley". If you weren't available, his unmet needs would prompt him to take action. Maybe he would tell his wife they need counseling, or ask her for an open marriage, or tell her he's unhappy & unsatisfied.

 

Your presence keeps it from being an urgent problem that must be resolved.

[Owl]

Quiet Storm is right. You can only emotionally invest in one relationship at a time.

 

If you're investing in your affair...your marriage will stagnate (which is why you now feel so differently about your H vs MM).

 

If you invest in your marriage...you have to stop investing in your affair.

 

So there you go...from the moment you started down the affair path, the two of you were both also on the path to this moment...to the point where you HAVE TO choose which relationship to keep, and which to let go.

 

Which to focus on, and which to end.

 

Good luck either way!

[crederer]

It sounds like you both want to reconcile and yet you want to retain some sort of relation with this man (whether sexual or not). I mean....realistically, in the best case scenario, how do you hope for this to pan out?

[wanting more]

This ones really got me stumped. I've never seen an OW asking how to help make her MM closer to his BW.

[SoleMate]

[MM] has been trying to be more affectionate, trying to stay home more, taking [bW] on dates, and confiding in her and she has reacted by telling him he's being strange.

His efforts at emotional intimacy with BW are doomed to fall flat because they are insincere. He really hasn't confided in her in any meaningful way if he hasn't told her about the exciting sexual connection he has with you.

 

He hasn't done anything majorly out of character...

...that he has told her about.

 

...he knows I want them to stay together...I'm thinking about the long term and want our marriages to last...

I'd recommend browsing over to Marriage Builders (Willard Harley) and learning about what creates and sustains long-term loving marriages. He also has good info explaining the causes of the terrific connection you feel for MM and why you may be making a choice that to most of us seems irrational.

(Based on MB, I'm guessing you either spent 1:1 recreational time with MM, or you confided in him about your emotional/marital worries.)

 

MB even has a program to rekindle intense romantic love for your spouse! It may be hard to execute as it takes a lot of time and would require relinquishing your MM.

[RickFox]

neither one of you are going to become closer to your spouses as long as you are seeing each other, that's the bottom line

[Rollercoaster Rider]

My OM has been expressing his desire to have a similar connection to his wife as he has with me. He doesn't want to end our relationship he just wants to feel the sexual desire and friendship, that we have, with his wife too.

He's been working on that a lot at home and in order to keep myself from feeling like crap about that I've been trying to do the same with my husband to. I see it as a good thing.

 

I want my OM to be happy, and I know having a better connection with his wife would help him feel over all fulfilled. The thing is she has not at all been receptive to his advances. He has been trying to be more affectionate, trying to stay home more, taking her on dates, and confiding in her and she has reacted by telling him he's being strange. He hasn't done anything majorly out of character so no huge red flags.

 

I guess what we are both noticing is when we start to get close to each other we see everything that we are missing at home.

 

Basically the connection that me and him have is making us wish we had that with our partners. In the beginning of the affair it was all excitement and a rush, and it still is a lot of the time, but the 'what ifs' are really starting to get in the way I guess.

 

I love this man. I just want him to be happy. I think About his happiness above all others, Even when I'm trying not too.

 

Things moved along so easily and with no problems at all, Until it clicked in his mind that he was in love with me.

 

As soon as he realized he was in love with me, Our friendship changed and so did he.

 

He is still very much in love with his wife just a very different kind of relationship. I love my husband too but it is also very different and can't be compared.

 

I'm wondering what I can do to help. I am thinking either give him space for a while to accept that his relationship with his wife is what it is, and it's ok it's not the same as what we have, because what me and him have is different than what they have and what me and my husband have is different to, not better or worse, just very different.

 

To be clear, I have not said anything against his wife and he knows I want them to stay together, I am not even pushing to continue the affair, he knows I will be ok ending it whenever it comes to that, it would hurt, but I'm thinking about the long term and want our marriages to last.

 

Neither of us wants the affair to end.

 

Any thoughts? Anyone go through this before?

 

We both want to stay in our marriages, in the beginning it was obvious that the affair was just the icing on the cake of pretty good lives, but the longer it's gone on the more both of us wish we had a better connection to our partners too. We realized how much was missing.

I am really confused.... are you his OW or marriage counselor?? And if you both want a better relationship with your spouses....this is definately not the way to do it. Trust me when I say this, the more you get involved..the harder it will be to walk away. And when d-day hits, and it will.... you will be left trying to pickup the pieces in your life, and he will be home with his wife rebuilding his marriage with all the assistance you gave him.

An affair is already crossing a line... this is taking it a step farther.

[hayleym]

No reconciliation necessary there hasn't been a DDay. The affair has been going on for just over two years.

 

I don't want to lose him as a friend. That's what's ultimately the most important to me, so if he wants to try and create a deeper connection to his wife, I can deal with how that makes me feel. If he can't do that while me and him are a thing to so be it. That's not what he's saying though.

Thing is he wants to keep the sexual affair going. I don't know that I can or want to do that without the emotional side. Nothing's really changed, we have just brought up the subject recently.

 

We still have a huge emotional relationship.

He wants a connection with both of us but seems to think he can switch back and forth. Like give me lots of attention for a while until as get close and he starts feeling like something's missing at home, so avoids me and showers her with attention.

 

I'm not jealous of this so much as I just get confused by it. I just want to know what to expect. It would hurt to end it, but long term happiness is the goal.

[blue963]

"I don't know that I can or want to do that without the emotional side."

 

Please...please. It sounds as though you are putting all of his needs before you. If he establishes a good relationship and connection with the wife, where does that leave you and what kind of state will you be in. Why is it that we give our all to relationships? (I do it too). What is it about he feminine psyche?

[Mycatsnuggles]

Haley,

 

My mm and I have discussed this several times, why can't we make the connection with our spouses that we share together. I have stopped seeing him at various times because I wanted him to try, he has always insisted that while he loves and cares for her he does not have that sexual attraction towards her and it cannot be created.

 

You present a different angle. MM is attempting to create that connection. Honestly I believe that it can be done but not as long as you are in the picture. I have always told MM I would back away if he wanted me to, while your MM has not expressed this desire you must realize logically if you remain with him his rebuilding will be hindered by your connection to him.

 

Are we strong enough to walk away for the sake of the person we love? You will always have your memories with him. Maybe leaving now could be a gift to you both.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Are you okay, with your MM stating very clearly...if given a choice..he chooses his wife over you. That is what he said...isn't it. That if he could have that with her...you would be redundant.

 

FYI....it is unrealistic to compare a "forbidden" relationship to an open one. The extra..."are we gonna get caught" is not there. So..no...neither one of you will have that with your spouses...as its not in any open relationship.

[Owl]

No reconciliation necessary there hasn't been a DDay. The affair has been going on for just over two years.

 

I don't want to lose him as a friend. That's what's ultimately the most important to me, so if he wants to try and create a deeper connection to his wife, I can deal with how that makes me feel. If he can't do that while me and him are a thing to so be it. That's not what he's saying though.

Thing is he wants to keep the sexual affair going. I don't know that I can or want to do that without the emotional side. Nothing's really changed, we have just brought up the subject recently.

 

Once you've been in an affair, it's nearly always impossible to go back to "just friends".

 

Note...he still wants to keep the affair going. HE wants to keep both of you...and in his case, he wants to keep the situation that that he can be with both of you sexually as well. He's already told you that. This IS cake-eating.

 

So...you have a choice. You can either 'be his friend' (maintain the affair), or you can help him improve his marriage (by removing yourself completely from the picture). Note that the second choice is ALSO the only way you can improve your own marriage as well.

 

It's that simple. Perhaps not easy...but that simple.

 

What's it gonna be?

[hayleym]

Are you okay, with your MM stating very clearly...if given a choice..he chooses his wife over you. That is what he said...isn't it. That if he could have that with her...you would be redundant.

 

FYI....it is unrealistic to compare a "forbidden" relationship to an open one. The extra..."are we gonna get caught" is not there. So..no...neither one of you will have that with your spouses...as its not in any open relationship.

 

That's not what he has said at all. Although we both have chosen since the beginning to stay in our marriages so I guess we have both chosen our spouses, yes I'm ok with that. We find each other worth the risk, so we choose each other a lot actually.

 

He has in no way said he wants to end the affair, the exact opposite. He doesn't want to end it, but since we both spend 90 percent of our time with our partners we would like to have fun with them and a connection too. That's all he's said. That on the weekends and evenings he's bored and wants to build on the connection with her to enhance his life.

 

He has not requested we change anything. I'm just wondering if I can help him feel fulfilled somehow and if that's stepping aside, I would.

 

I've been honest in saying it doesn't make me feel great when I share attention and affection, with anyone, but I can handle it. I care very much for his wife too, I want them to be happy. It's not an easy situation to explain.

[hayleym]

Haley,

 

My mm and I have discussed this several times, why can't we make the connection with our spouses that we share together. I have stopped seeing him at various times because I wanted him to try, he has always insisted that while he loves and cares for her he does not have that sexual attraction towards her and it cannot be created.

 

You present a different angle. MM is attempting to create that connection. Honestly I believe that it can be done but not as long as you are in the picture. I have always told MM I would back away if he wanted me to, while your MM has not expressed this desire you must realize logically if you remain with him his rebuilding will be hindered by your connection to him.

 

Are we strong enough to walk away for the sake of the person we love? You will always have your memories with him. Maybe leaving now could be a gift to you both.

 

 

Yes. I'd be strong enough to walk away. But when he's ready for that, that's not what he wants right now and neither do I .

[Sub]

How much do you value your friendship with his wife? From a previous thread, I believe you described her as one of your best friends. If that's the case, giving him space would be the best for everyone involved, in my opinion. Thinking "about his happiness above all others" is very romantic, but when there are two BS's involved in this scenario, that's not a realistic sentiment.

[hayleym]

Once you've been in an affair, it's nearly always impossible to go back to "just friends".

 

Note...he still wants to keep the affair going. HE wants to keep both of you...and in his case, he wants to keep the situation that that he can be with both of you sexually as well. He's already told you that. This IS cake-eating.

 

So...you have a choice. You can either 'be his friend' (maintain the affair), or you can help him improve his marriage (by removing yourself completely from the picture). Note that the second choice is ALSO the only way you can improve your own marriage as well.

 

It's that simple. Perhaps not easy...but that simple.

 

What's it gonna be?

 

Right now I want to be his friend. Sex or not. As it stands the sexual side is the smallest portion of our time together especially this time of year.

 

My choice at the moment is to give him space, focus on only our families until after Christmas at least for sure. However when he contacts me I always respond. Always. He has not asked me to give him space, I can just sense he needs it.

[hayleym]

How much do you value your friendship with his wife? From a previous thread, I believe you described her as one of your best friends. If that's the case, giving him space would be the best for everyone involved, in my opinion. Thinking "about his happiness above all others" is very romantic, but when there are two BS's involved in this scenario, that's not a realistic sentiment.

 

I value her friendship very much and I agree. I need to take a step back and see what happens. I can do that.

[Owl]

Right now I want to be his friend. Sex or not. As it stands the sexual side is the smallest portion of our time together especially this time of year.

 

My choice at the moment is to give him space, focus on only our families until after Christmas at least for sure. However when he contacts me I always respond. Always. He has not asked me to give him space, I can just sense he needs it.

 

So reallize, when you say you want to be his friend...you're ALSO saying that your friendship with him is more important than him working to fix his marital relationship, or you fixing yours.

 

That 'friendship' is in direct conflict with improving either relationship. You can't successfully do/keep both.

 

You get that, yes?

[hayleym]

So reallize, when you say you want to be his friend...you're ALSO saying that your friendship with him is more important than him working to fix his marital relationship, or you fixing yours.

 

That 'friendship' is in direct conflict with improving either relationship. You can't successfully do/keep both.

 

You get that, yes?

 

I do get that yes.

It's selfish and I can admit that but I'm not ready to let either friendship go. Not yet.

 

To be clear, if he wants to end it I would just suck it up and see that he got what he needed. But that's not what he wants. Not yet either.

[Owl]

I do get that yes.

It's selfish and I can admit that but I'm not ready to let either friendship go. Not yet.

 

To be clear, if he wants to end it I would just suck it up and see that he got what he needed. But that's not what he wants. Not yet either.

 

Fair enough. You're making the choice with that knowledge. It's unfortunate that your spouses are denied the right to make the same choice with the same knowledge. Eventually, they'll be given the same options more than likely.

[Owl]

I do get that yes.

It's selfish and I can admit that but I'm not ready to let either friendship go. Not yet.

 

To be clear, if he wants to end it I would just suck it up and see that he got what he needed. But that's not what he wants. Not yet either.

 

But...why doesn't your husband get the same respect, the same care, the same options?

 

If you love your H enough to not want to end the marriage...then why not give your H the same 'respect'?