moveONorStay Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 Currently a little confused in my relationship and could use some educated advice, based on experience, if possible. The short story is that I'm currently dating a girl in Grad school. I have a full time job and we are both in our late 20's. We have been dating for about 9 months and have had a couple of serious discussions about where things are going in the future. My issue: There isn't enough intimacy/sex in the relationship and I want more. I feel like the relationship is quite one sided. I do everything possible to help my girlfriend with her studies, she doesn't drive so I take her to school and pick her up whenever I possibly can, I buy her groceries and pay for everything else like dinners/concerts etc since she doesn't have a job and is living on student loans. She has an extremely busy schedule at school and the work load is nuts, she pretty much works on studies from 6:30 am until 11pm so it is a lot and I'm trying to be understanding of this when it comes to the fact she has very little time for me. My biggest concern is that she never initiates sex and sometimes when I do, I get the "I'm too tired" excuse. I've gotten to the point where I don't want to initiate anymore either. I've spoken to her at length about how I feel and I get sincere apologies but no change. I feel taken for granted. I feel like it's a bit shallow to end a relationship due to a lack of sex...but once per week (twice if I'm lucky) just isn't enough for me. Thoughts welcome!
soccerrprp Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 Not enough sex, not meeting your expectations in the area of intimacy is not shallow. But, do you feel that she is legit when she says that she's too tired? Will this ever change in your mind? You need to be with someone who meets your needs. 3
Philosoraptor Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 Well lack of intimacy is a valid reason to end a relationship, so don't feel shallow. But if her workload is as huge as you say it is then you can understand at times that she may be too tired to even think about sex. Really though, if you've talked to her then you have done all you can. You can either continue to be patient in hopes that when her workload slows down the intimacy gets better, or bail and try to find someone who have a little more time for you. 2
Author moveONorStay Posted November 21, 2013 Author Posted November 21, 2013 Thanks for the input. Tricky times. I do really care about her or I wouldn't be doing all of these things for her. I treat this girl better than I've ever treated anyone else and I just feel like I get nothing in return. In some ways I feel over it, in other ways I want to see if it'll change when things calm down for her. Plus, I'm terrible at breaking up, always want to give girls the benefit of the doubt
Uwaae Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 I think, youre not getting sex because youre acting like her Dad rather than her boyfriend. Act more fun, get her to pay for stuff. Dont have silly discussions about "future" 2
Author moveONorStay Posted November 21, 2013 Author Posted November 21, 2013 I think, youre not getting sex because youre acting like her Dad rather than her boyfriend. Act more fun, get her to pay for stuff. Dont have silly discussions about "future" Interesting take on this...of all the things that crossed my mind, this was not one of them. So your basically saying that too much chivalry has killed it? Seems hard to believe but I can see your logic
Phantom888 Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 Move on. You two are not compatible. Will things get better over time? Not likely, since you are only dating, and things don't need to improve (for her). If you want sexual compatibility, go and find another woman who desire it as much as you do. I need intimacy a whole lot, and I am lucky my gorgeous girlfriend initiates sex as often as I do. I honestly think women want sex way more than men, and if you haven't experienced that yet, then you are with the wrong woman. 3
Author moveONorStay Posted November 21, 2013 Author Posted November 21, 2013 Move on. You two are not compatible. Will things get better over time? Not likely, since you are only dating, and things don't need to improve (for her). If you want sexual compatibility, go and find another woman who desire it as much as you do. I need intimacy a whole lot, and I am lucky my gorgeous girlfriend initiates sex as often as I do. I honestly think women want sex way more than men, and if you haven't experienced that yet, then you are with the wrong woman. I agree with much of this. I've never experienced anything like this. All of my exes were always really up for it. Truly is a strange thing for me. My current GF is adamant that she is really attracted to me and wishes she could spend more time being intimate with me. Interestingly, her comment last week was that she really wanted to but that "it's already past 11pm and I'm up at 6am and I know that if we start I'll really enjoy it and you'll want to keep going for 2 hours"...I didn't know whether to take that as a compliment or a complete slap in the face!
CherryT Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 I agree with much of this. I've never experienced anything like this. All of my exes were always really up for it. Truly is a strange thing for me. My current GF is adamant that she is really attracted to me and wishes she could spend more time being intimate with me. Interestingly, her comment last week was that she really wanted to but that "it's already past 11pm and I'm up at 6am and I know that if we start I'll really enjoy it and you'll want to keep going for 2 hours"...I didn't know whether to take that as a compliment or a complete slap in the face! Sexual compatibility is really important to me and I'm a female. Her response "you'll really enjoy it and you'll want to keep it going for 2 hours"… ouch? I don't know, when my F and I can't find time to do it, we always figure out a way to at least fit in a quickie. It sounds to me that she's just not into having sex (or sex with you) and is making all kinds of excuses. I mean, maybe it's just me and my F but we have really busy work schedules (we're also LD half the time and see each other every other week) and find a way to make some time for one another. It may not be 2 hour sexcapades but we'll make time where we can. I don't think you're being shallow. You are helping her and doing things for her out of love and care and she should understand that her responsibility in a relationship is to also show the person she's with that she is in love and cares. I don't blame you for feeling over it. I would too.
Author moveONorStay Posted November 21, 2013 Author Posted November 21, 2013 I mean, maybe it's just me and my F but we have really busy work schedules (we're also LD half the time and see each other every other week) and find a way to make some time for one another. It may not be 2 hour sexcapades but we'll make time where we can. Do you think seeing each other every other week is what might keep the spark? I see my gf every day...except tonight, while I contemplate what I really want from this relationship.
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 Dump her...let her not have sex while being alone, hell you could get laid more than that having casual sex/fwb by far. It's not her fault necessarily (she should be concerned about your needs in one respect) but it's an incompatibility and she seems to not be making an effort...some people really don't give a damn about their sex lives though unless there are other issues that are causing this problem in your relationship....otherwise you shouldn't have to feel like sex is a reward or something you have to beg/hope for...that's just sad/pathetic unless you were being way too demanding. Chances are too she might not even be that into you or over it at this point in the relationship, which is just going to leave you out there in the cold while she enjoys your nice treatment and companionship, you don't have to settle for that. I wouldn't be doing half the things you are doing, and would still get out of this, nine months is way too soon to be at this stage...I don't know how deal with that, she is busy yes, but if that's the case she's too busy for you and your needs.
ja123 Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 Interesting take on this...of all the things that crossed my mind, this was not one of them. So your basically saying that too much chivalry has killed it? Seems hard to believe but I can see your logic I don't think it's that. I'm a woman and I'd be all over a chivalrous guy! Are you kidding? 3
Author moveONorStay Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 Thanks for all the input. Gut is telling me to end this relationship even though I really want to work it out. Tough to bite the bullet when you have invested time and energy is someone you really care about. I'd hate to think I was breaking up with someone great to satisfy my selfish needs.
CherryT Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 Do you think seeing each other every other week is what might keep the spark? I see my gf every day...except tonight, while I contemplate what I really want from this relationship. I don't think so. It could also be said that LD gets old unless you really want/love each other. The distance probably could've killed the spark easier than keeping it, I think. We never got tired of wanting to be together. There were months where we were together continuously. I don't know… If your heart is with someone, I don't know how to turn it off and not initiate affection or at least meet half way. It sounds like your gf doesn't even want you to initiate almost, seeming as she shuts it down. For me, I would not be happy if my F didn't initiate. I wouldn't feel close or loved either.
Author moveONorStay Posted December 7, 2013 Author Posted December 7, 2013 So, a few weeks later and it's not better. I think the relationship may have run it's course. Pity, because she is a great girl...What's a guy to say? "Hey, I'm ending this because we don'e jive sexually" Seems like a pretty horrible way to call it a day
Under The Radar Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 So, a few weeks later and it's not better. I think the relationship may have run it's course. Pity, because she is a great girl...What's a guy to say? "Hey, I'm ending this because we don'e jive sexually" Seems like a pretty horrible way to call it a day It does suck, but at the end of the day, sexual compatibility is necessary for a relationship to work. Without that important component of a healthy relationship you end up with a friend that happens to be female ...... not an actual girlfriend. 1
Author moveONorStay Posted December 7, 2013 Author Posted December 7, 2013 Extremely torn about this. Feels a bit awful to end it with someone who is great otherwise. But when I look back on it, I do a lot for her and there is quite a bit of selfishness on her part. It is one sided.
Iguanna Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 I may sound harsh but the way I see it I think she is just taking advantage of you. You pay for everything? You drive her wherever she has to go? You just accept everything she wants or needs? You live your life according to her schedule? Lack of sex is the least of your problems. Why don't you try to find a girl who will seem and BE more ENTHUSIASTIC for being with you? 2
Author moveONorStay Posted December 7, 2013 Author Posted December 7, 2013 Iguanna, I think you might be right. It's a harsh reality. Sad I was so blind to see it
spiderowl Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 Could be several things, but I'd place bets on: - she's not that interested in you as a long-term partner - she doesn't enjoy sex with you - she doesn't enjoy sex with anyone - she has a low sex drive
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