cerulean Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 My ex boyfriend and I were together for a year and 7 months. We live a few blocks away, but we are mainly long distance as I am two hours away when I'm at school. We even managed to overcome my being halfway across the world when I studied abroad in Europe. At around August (year and 5 months), things started going downhill. Long story short, he became depressed. Unfortunately, I had to return back to school, and the distance made things that much harder. He was dealing with commuting this term (long drive!) and an important internship. This is his and my senior year. My needs and wants were not being met, and I started to become insecure and confrontational. Likewise, he began withdrawing from me and had a short fuse. Two weekends ago, I came home for the weekend to see him and try to improve things. We went out on a date Saturday night, and everything felt so magical again. I had really felt we were going to break up that night, but he couldn't take his eyes off me as well as kissing and holding me tight. Unfortunately, nearing the end of the night, I made a comment referring to an old argument (have trouble letting things go) and it escalated into another big fight. He broke up with me the following day, saying he loved me and didn't want to do this, but he felt like he needed to. He didn't have much hope for us as all he saw were fights in our future (but keep in mind, this is someone with depression talking). Despite this, he said being with me felt right. He just couldn't take the stress and constant fighting as it started to interfere with his school and internship. At the very least, he needed some time and space to be alone. Monday, I had gone eight days NC, but I succumbed and contacted him. I was fearing that he may move on from his conversation with my friend from school. He said that he was enjoying the free time and no stress/arguments, but missed having someone to spend his days with. He did ask about me and mentioned that there were times he wanted to send me random links, etc but knew he couldn't. Likewise, my ex liked a status my roommate posted about moving on and coping with a breakup. I just was so worried that he was someone who was simply coping with a breakup and missing me but as a friend. :/ I contacted him over FB message and told him that I understood why we broke up and that we needed this space from one another. I asked if he would be willing to sit down and talk over winter break. He took nearly an hour to respond... whether he was busy or uncertain, I may never know. He said sure, what would you like to talk about? I responded that I would like to sit down and talk about our progress and see where we stand if that's alright with you. I told him he could take time to think about it if need be. He simply responded that winter break was far from now so sure. After talking with one another, he updated his twitter with just a smiley face. I would very much like to get back together with him, but for now, I do feel space is best. We need to work out our individual issues and go from there. I'm establishing NC from now on. I'll let him contact me when the time is right for him. I'll try not to get my hopes up, but any advice? Ways to stop thinking about it? It'd be very much appreciated.
d0nnivain Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 I am assuming you are back at school. I'd keep things light & casual until you are home from break & you can talk face to face.
Author cerulean Posted November 20, 2013 Author Posted November 20, 2013 Yes, I am back at school for now, but I will be home within a month's time. I'm leaving it up to him when he'll contact me next.
BritneyLynn Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 I'm going through something similar. We had a great relationship but between the distance, my depression, and his issues, we also had a fight that just caused him to say he had to walk away. He said something similar to me when we finally talked after some time of NC about missing having the companionship and mostly me being his rock through everything. My ex and I are now (to quote him) "figuring out what went wrong and seeing if we can fix it" but, sometimes it takes him days to call me. It's tough, I feel your pain and I'm sorry. I guess what I do is just try to stay busy and when I think of him (which is often) I just let the thought come and pass and try not to dwell. I wish I had some advice to give that would help better but all I can say is you're not alone and I hope it works out for you, be strong
Author cerulean Posted November 20, 2013 Author Posted November 20, 2013 (edited) Thank you. It's reassuring to know that someone is going through almost the same ordeal as me. Even better to know that you two are trying to work through your issues and seeing where it takes you. How long did you go through NC? I'm starting to go to therapy in order to fix my issues. I need to fix them not only for relationships but for myself. It's very hard to get my mind off of the situation. I keep thinking I could have been more patient, less critical. He was withdrawing due to his depression not because of me. I know he already was feeling he could never measure up, wasn't worthy of me. :/ I just hope that I can express how sorry I am, and have him open up to the idea of trying again. Edited November 20, 2013 by cerulean
BritneyLynn Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 NC lasted about a month for us, I only called him when I had some news that involved the both of us, told him the news, then hung up. He called me later that night to talk and I again kept it brief claiming to be busy (even though I was only busy with big bang theory re runs lol) I just made it seem like a friendship was all I needed at the time and that I had my own schedule without him. Eventually we had an hour long conversation and decided to see each other after that and it's gone from there. It is great that you're working on yourself, I suffer from severe depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder so I know a thing or two about what it's like to struggle. Therapy is amazing for it if you have a good therapist. A little advice on how I handled it: even though you're desperate to hold him and express all emotions, keep it light at first, let him initiate. And don't beat yourself up, I did too, but I took the time to rationalize my mistakes, we're only human, we aren't perfect. If the break up comes up (like it did with me) I had already thought about my underlying issues as to why I acted the way I did and I explained them to him and we SHARED the blame, I didn't claim that it was all me and I needed to change because it takes two to tango, don't give him the upper hand. Explain you're in therapy, it will help him see you're making a genuine effort to better yourself and he will want to see just how much better you are. After almost a month of all of this and I today asked if we could get back together and he said yes! I don't know what our future holds but I plan on taking it day by day. Just be patient and don't rush it is all I can say. Good luck!! 2
BritneyLynn Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 I should mention, I downloaded a digital version of something called relationship rewind. It's by a man named Ryan Rivers who walks you through the steps of getting back together and how to handle it. I didn't follow his advice exactly but I used it as a guideline. If he's someone you genuinely think is worth it, try looking it up, maybe it will offer you some insight
Author cerulean Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 Thank you for your responses. I'll definitely have to look into Relationship Rewind. I do believe he's someone worth fighting for, but I'm not sure if he feels the same way for me anymore. I decided once and for all to block his Facebook and Twitter today because last night, I got really upset by one of his posts. He was at a bar and wrote a status "Why hello there ;)". It hurt terribly, thinking that this man that has loved me since the day we've met is already looking at other women. I'm very torn as to what to do. If he comes back, I'm letting him initiate everything and playing hard to get. He's really hurt me with this breakup, and I have lost a lot of trust in him. Despite this, I do believe we could make it work, but I need to have the old him back. If he isn't gone already.
Author cerulean Posted November 24, 2013 Author Posted November 24, 2013 (edited) and so far, it's not getting any easier. I have my good days, but mostly, I worry that we will never reconcile. Doesn't help that I've been having dreams about my ex these last couple nights. I've been NC since Monday, and I wonder if contacting him was a bad idea. :/ He's the kind of person to bottle everything inside and not express what he's feeling so I'm left wondering how he feels towards us. I was his second love; he my first. We were each other's longest relationship and many firsts. Before August, things were perfect between us. I do believe that the depression alone took away my best friend and boyfriend. :/ Any thoughts, advice, ways to get over this? Edited November 24, 2013 by cerulean
Author cerulean Posted November 26, 2013 Author Posted November 26, 2013 I know for a fact that my ex has no interest in other girls, and he clearly has no idea what he wants right now. However, there's times he writes super happy things (i.e. looking good, feeling good... feeling like a new me), and I freak out, thinking he's so much happier without me. That and he's posted songs as of late that pretty much state "I love you but I think this relationship is doomed." Ugh... he's told me in the past he posts songs simply because he likes them, but still- it makes me feel terrible... I was going to ask him last night if he even still considered us a possibility, but I realized that is way too far in advance to ask. I don't want his definite decision on us yet, but I know asking that would be asking far too much. I'd make him feel uncomfortable or push him away further. I wound up writing "guess you're asleep my bad. i just wanted to stop by and say i hope all is going well. therapy and what not. no need to respond- take care of yourself." He didn't respond but saw it (although he never usually responds to morning messages). Ah, I'm beginning to see the strong love we shared may not be enough this time Advice, someone?
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