Feeling torn and broken!

[Emzy23]

I don't even know how to start! Well I was with my bf for 6 months. It has been my 1st relationship. I'm 23 years old and I lost my virginity to this man. In the beginning he was lovely, he seemed very confident and keen, I was very happy.

 

He told me from the very beginning that he had a son who was a year old, he told me his previous relationship ended 5 months before meeting me. I was under the impression from him that he saw his son on a regular basis and that he hated his ex. He did enclose that she left him. He told me he didn't know why she left him, I pressed him for more info as to why, but he would not disclose he kept saying he did not no why and that he hated her.

 

Unfortunately for me I didn't see the alarm bells as to why a women would leave a man when she has a child. Due to me wanting to be happy and because he was pursing me and being lovely I ignored it. I slept with him and I will put it out their that I was sexually abused as a child and he was aware of this, I had waited years until I met the right person, to me I believed he was the right person to lose my virginity too.

 

After a month of bliss and feeling like I'm on the clouds! Lol I started noticing he was being more comfortable with me in terms of not really caring and putting in an effort to make me feel like he cared about me. I also noticed he drunk every night and it wouldn't be just 1 or two it would be 5 or 6 of anything he could get his hands on, captan Morgan, red wine, vodka, beer ect. I also noticed he had not seen his son once in the month that has passed by.

 

During this time I began to question if this person was the right man for me, I hated his drinking and I hated that he wouldn't put the effort in to see his son. The only thing he liked doing was fishing, drinking and hanging out at his home like a married couple. He is 27 years old. I guess I tried to ignore all of this stuff that was troubling me as I thought I loved him, I cooked for him, cleaned for him, encouraged him to get out more and we went out to dinner one night and got his to see a move at a cinema, something he told me he hasn't done in years.

 

We even went away for 4 nights to a winery that i suggested and went halves in everything. It was awesome we had a great time apart from at this point I discovered when he was drunk the 1st night that he had pictures of his ex on his phone. He told me I quote, I still have pics of ex name on my phone and I need to delete them or get a new phone. I guess this was a good thing that he could recognise this, however due to me also being drunk and being on holiday I thought how can u be thinking about her and asked him if he still loved her. Worst thing I could do as he got a temper and yelled at me and threw the coffee table at the wall. The next day he apologised and said I don't love her I love you then for the rest of the trip we had a great time.

 

However when back at home again things were the same, still drinking and still not putting an effort in towards me. I always had a feeling that he was missing his ex. I encouraged him to see his son again, it took a lot of effort on my behalf in encouraging him to see him. I wanted him to see his son because I new he needed to and I new he missed him and I thought its the right thing to do he's a father he has an obligation.

 

He started seeing him although it was hard in the beginning for him I was their for him and encouraged him that he could talk to me about anything. I let him know that I wanted to be their for him and help him get through it. I also encouraged him to slow down with the drinking. He started by only having 1 a night. Then eventually stopped drinking during the week and only drunk on weekends, I noticed by doing this he had a lot more energy and was a lot more positive. I asked him how long he had been drinking heavily for he said 5 years. He was with his ex for 2 years and said she tried to get him to stop drinking when their son came along but he was sneaking them in. I asked him why he doesn't with me, he said I love you I didn't love her.

 

Although he was making positive progress I still doubted his affection for me, I still felt the reason he was hung up on ex, the difficulties he was having when seeing his son was that he hated her, he told me she made him feel sick. To me I thought he isn't over her, he's in love with her. It was not long after this that I had to go into hospital because I had endometriosis that I needed a lap for to get I removed. When I mentioned this to him and asked if he would come visit me as I had to stay in hospital overnight, he said you have ur mum u will be right. I felt like I couldn't rely on him emotionally when I needed him. In the end I got upset abut it so he came, was for an hour and hardly could touch me, he said he didn't like seeing me that way. Throughout my recovery at home it was pretty much the same, he would come visit me at home but I rarely felt like he actually cared about me, my instincts were telling me he's not emotionally available to you because he is still held up on his ex.

 

It wasn't long after this that I made the decision to end it with him, although I loved him, I new he wasn't capable of loving me in the way I wanted, I new he wasn't capable because he wasn't available to me, he still thought about his ex. When I broke up with him he didn't take it very well and he was very nasty to me. He messaged me for 3 days straight like a stalker, I could tell he me was afraid to be abandoned, throughout this time I was hysterically upset I hated hurting him and it was the hardest thing I had ever done I loved him but I new he didn't love me or wasn't in love as much as I was. He also told me he was going to kill himself, I spoke to his mum and told me he has threatened her with this before and to ignore it, so I had to ignore it eventually he stopped, said nothing then a week passed and he messaged asking how I was at this point I responded and we agreed to see each other obviously not a smart idea! I was missing him like mad so agreed to it. We ended up having sex and saying goodbye. That night he messaged me saying ur right I am in love with my ex and my son. Then said delete all that **** of facebook that where together in delete it now u c word he said. I ignored him and didn't do it.

 

Even though I new he loved his ex it broke my heart I felt sick!!! Two weeks went by and we hadn't spoken throughout this time I was a mess, it is the hardest thing leaving someone u love who doesn't love you back. Anyway he messaged me saying he wanted to go back to old times, I said to him I thought you were in love with ur ex, he said I made a mistake I love u, I want u not her. He said the sex we had last time was intense I had so many feelings. Then he said come over let's have sex again, I felt like he just wanted sex from me so I told him no. He said I'm not going to give up. Then we hadn't spoken in a week and I caught up with his mum.

 

I got along very well with his mum, she really liked me and was upset when I broke up with him but told me she understood why. According to his mother his ex was very different to me, she never did dishes cooked or had manners. Wen I caught up with her I found out that he had spent that weekend with her before contacting me about going back to old times, sex ect. That he was staying there tonight and was with her last night. It broke my heart I felt so sick, his mum said he's grasping at straws with the ex. I ended up sending him a message stupid I know!! I basically laughed at him and let him new i new he was having sleepovers at hers. He responded saying I'm just doing what your missing out on I made a loe heart out of rosé petals on the bed a d lit candles around the room?? Clearly he wanted to hurt me so I ignored him.

 

I was very upset it was literally only two weeks since we had slept together and he was with her. Even though I broke up with him I guess I was conflicted inside, my head new I was doing the right thing, my heart however wanted him to not give up and fight for me, show that he loved me and not her. Well he went back to her.

 

I spoke to him last week because I have been feeling like **** I wanted to end things on a good note. I told him I forgive him for hurting me with the horrible things he said and wished him well. He didn't care and was nasty once again and said stop messaging me. I said fine if u want to act like I don't exist and u dot care about me block me! This was on facebook. He ignored me, I pushed his buttons I said go ahead I want u to block me, I don't exist to you so block me, I said I've deleted your number, u don't want me to contact you block me, take away the temptation, so he poked me on facebook and then blocked me. Since then 5 days later I have seen from my mums facebook that he his in a relationship with her and he put a photo up of them together, saying my beautiful partner xoxo. I felt sick dropped to the floor crying hysterically! Their back together!! I left him but ultimately that's not what I wanted, it hurts so much, my stomach feels anxious and i cry at least once every day, I literally can't stop thinking about it, it's horrible!!! I want to message him for hurting me but obviously I can't!!! Prob a good thing!!!!!! I feel like I meant nothing to him, since he went back to her so quickly. I will also point out that it was a big deal to say we were in a relationship on facebook he said who cares its just facebook, eventually he did coz I got upset. Anyway now he's putting her all over facebook. It hurts, I don't understand why he could be so insensitive towards me. I still love him and I miss him so much!!! I don't know what to do. I'm sorry this is such a long novel!!!

[Toddbt12y1]

Hi, sorry for this late response.

 

What you do is stop looking him up. Stop contact completely. Block him too. Stick away from social media in general. This creep is a loser! I mean, you can do so much better, no? It feels like you cannot do better, but you can.

 

This guy is a drunk. A worthless bum of a father. Someone who manipulates a woman into sex. Lack-luster(beside sex). Uncaring. He is just that, a loser. Believe it or not, him breaking up with you is probably the best thing to happen to you.

 

I know, you gave him your virginity. I know you care for him. It is hard to see that this is really a good thing for you. No more crying over this idiot; no more arguing over whether or not he will do more with you; no pressure to make him see his child; no fear of him loving his ex.

 

If he hated her, she would not have been on his phone(well, pictures...He'd need her number for his son; but wait, he had nothing to do with him till you came along). You were the best thing that he had. He lost, much like a loser does.

 

Do not pursue him. Do not let him manipulate you, as he already has for sex. If he keeps bothering you, a restraining order will work just fine. Let him be his ex's problem.

 

What you need to do:

 

●Stop talking with his mother

●Stop looking him up; this only hurts you

●Stop caving into his texts; he won't change; won't be different

 

Be a strong woman. See the hurt he has caused you, and stop letting him, this, to continue to hurt you. Instead of sitting and crying;

 

Go out. Not immediately, but eventually. Live your life. Enjoy things, and new hobbies. Make steps towards improving things in your life, that perhaps, you have been wanting for sometime now.

 

Do not give up, be strong. Eventually get back into dating, find a better person. It is hard, but might be worth it.

 

Does he even pay child support? Bum of a dad. Also, you can keep talking on here. I and many others will be glad to help you with whatever it is you need help with. You are not alone. It may take a bit to get a reply, but you can get one

[Emzy23]

Thank you so much for your response. I was feeling so upset and so down, in my mind I know I deserve so much better, in my mind I know he was hopeless and incapable of loving anyone but himself. Unfortunately your heart doesn't always agree with your mind. Thank you so much for giving me that extra strength I need to be strong. I really do hope one day all this pain and stuffing I have experienced will be worth it when I get what I deserve. Once again thank you I really appreciate your response.

[Toddbt12y1]

 

Well. That is why as an adult woman, you need to attempy to lasso(control) your heart, which the heart is the mind. Be a master of your emotions, rather than emotions mastering you.

 

Believe me. I know how badly this hurts. If you need advice, or help on anything else, will be glad to help you. I truly do hope you find someone better and more deserving of you.

[ByMyself01]

Same thing happened to me... While we were together, he wasn't officially over her. He kept saying he was, but obviously it was a lie, he went back to her. But the weird part is, She and him are Facebook junkies and after they supposedly got back together, they didn't even add eachother back on Facebook nor change their relationship status. Honestly, I'm waiting on it soon so I can prepare for it. Some people say do not check their Facebooks, but I guess I'm different. Once I see something I need to see, it just gives me one more better reason to move on and confirmation.

 

For YOU: Let him hash out whatever is there I'm a pro-love individual so I believe in rekindled love even years later. Nothing lasts forever, so let them enjoy their "semi-prefect" relationship the way it seems on Facebook, but you have to let it die on its own and move on and who knows, he may remember you and what he missed out on. Us as humans do realize we may have made a mistake and sometimes it takes another try.

[Emzy23]

Thankyou for your responses. In regards to did he pay child support. No he did not. He showed me messagges from his ex wanting money or threatning to go to the authorities to get child support this way. I will also point out his ex has another child who is five from a previous relationship. My ex always said it was to hard with that kid as he always called him dad it made him uncomfortable and he didn't like him. He also told me towards the end of our relationship that she left him because he wouldn't buy her a car. He said she had baby bonus money and his money was his. At the time I didn't like what he was saying. I was thinking how selfish can one be.

 

He also told me an incident happened with ex with alcohol and all of his emotions come out that's all he would tell me. I asked for more details would not tell me. His mum told me his ex was thinking of getting a restraining order out on him. I have seen his temper so im wondering if it something to do with this.

 

Its not until now that I have realized again why I tried to get away so many times not only did he love his ex, but he was selfish and he doesn't even understand how to put children first. He refused to see his son on father's day. I tried but he wouldn't. I am realizing now im better off without him. I hope he changes his attitude to life for both thoes boys. I guess I just can't understand after everything I was told from both my ex and exs mum that he would end up back with his ex. I guess shes hoping he can change and wants a father for her children.

[Emzy23]

Reply to bymyselfone

 

You may think looking at ur ex facebook will make u feel better easier for you to move on ect. Trust me it does not! I thought the same thing. It crushes you! The monent you see it, its like a knife stabbed to the heart. Please don't do this to yourself. I will never ever look at my exs facebook again. Its to painful.

 

You may think you can do this and think that your ok, its only when its to late that you will realize your not. Let yourself feel what you feel. But don't prolong your pain like I did. If you would like to talk to me for support as we are in a similar situation im happy 2 stay strong

[Toddbt12y1]

I would like to give a complete answer. But if she is threatening to take him for child support, he is just that. A lousy no good bum. Doesn't deserve his kid.

 

He probably doesn't work, no?

[Emzy23]

He works as a bricklayer. Works for himself. Like you said shes now since taken him back hes her problem now not mine. I just hope he gets his crap together for his sons sake, hes an innocent boy and already not has his father around or the firstbyear of his life. It's a shame his father is so self indulged.

 

I'm so glad I wrote on this instead of continued to stay upset, it's amazing how much better I feel.

[Toddbt12y1]

I would still like to flesh this out more.

 

I was unable to read some of what you wrote. I will do that, and respond probably tomorrow. Time is unfair atm.

 

I hope he does too.

 

I doubt it though...as sad as it is..I know a so called man just like this one here. He's a deadbeat. I am glad you came here and are feeling better.

 

Really, if you read all this to yourself, what you say too, it os clear how trashy he is. You're the winner I am proud of you for seeking advice!

[Emzy23]

Thank you

 

To be honest to me he seems as if he has narcassistic personality disorder. He has only a couple of friends, self critical. Cannot emphasie, a few times I tried to lean on him emotionally, put it this way, he tried to be authoritie in the bedroom 1 time, since I was abused as a child I freaked out and said no, pretty much screamed it as I was scared. He turns around and yells at me. I explain I had triggered emotions from the abuse come back. He said I don't care and went to sleep. The next morning he apologised. I felt sick all day. I new I needed to leave him. I tried this time but he knows how to manipulate you.

 

I hope he doesn't contact me again if she leaves him again. I don't need it, it makes it harder.

[Toddbt12y1]

You need to and must make sure that you have him blocked from your life as best as possible. He definitely has some issue. Does he felt guilt over any of this? Doesn't seem like it! A narcissist indeed. Probably more than that.

 

His lack of care for your past trauma and ticks, are serious. He needs his ass kicked

[Emzy23]

He never felt guilty. That's why he has been quite happy putting his ex all over his facebook, he doesn't feel guilty at all, so he dont care about hurting me. He def has issues!! He turns around and manipulates me and puts it back onto me. Saying I forgot what happened to you. It's not nice it's not something I want to remember he said. Just like in hospital don't like seeing u like that. It's all about how everything effects him!!!

[Toddbt12y1]

He could very well be a psychopath too. His lack of care. His abuse. His passive aggressive turns.

 

Damn, woman. You are a million times better than him! Why would platinum, such as yourself, bother with what floats in a sewer.

 

He did you wrong. He did love you...That's sad. You seem like a very good woman. Your past is bad...he didn't care. Hospital...same. He sickens me...I am serious. I am glad you are outta that mess.

 

[Toddbt12y1]

Well, it is late here. Work comes early. I must be off now, Emzy23...take care! I will look this thread up tomorrow. I am interested in some of the things I didn't have a chance to read...so I can better respond.

 

Don't let this get to you or ruin a good nights rest

 

Night!

[Emzy23]

I agree I'm so glad I got out. It's taken me sometime to actually realise I don't need him! I think I'm lucky it was only 6 months not years and I don't have a child to him. He is different he would literally call people on tv idiots c word, refers to his mum as a loser, talks nastily to his mums dog. He's not a very nice person at all!

[Toddbt12y1]

I agree I'm so glad I got out. It's taken me sometime to actually realise I don't need him! I think I'm lucky it was only 6 months not years and I don't have a child to him. He is different he would literally call people on tv idiots c word, refers to his mum as a loser, talks nastily to his mums dog. He's not a very nice person at all!

 

Yeah, he definitely is a terrible person. He does not want t9 be a father to his child. Shows no love towards this child. He manipulates, and uses people(you), and curses his mother(and her dog, lol); I won't argue with him yelling and cussing at the t.v....I see so many people who do that, lol.

 

I see only bad for him and his future. He'll fall hard. His ex will eventually leave him again, and may press charges for child support.

 

You escaped a lot of drama. Far better people, and real man out there for you.

 

Ignore him as best as possible. I am glad you escaped this nut.

[Emzy23]

Thanks. Yes I am lucky. Although I just feel confused. I guess I find it hard that I care about him and he doesn't care at all, he's so insensitive posting her all over facebook. It still hurts. I was feeling better but I don't know I guess my ego has been bruised. I feel so stupid for losing my virginity to a loser. I thought he cared, I thought I would spend my life with him. I was a fool! I only wanted 1 man I didn't want a number. Now if I want to have children 1 day which I do I'm going to have to have a number! I'm an old romantic lol I just feel like I meant nothing, my virginity meant nothing, I am nothing to him. That's what's hurts. I never realised men could be so horrible.

[Toddbt12y1]

Thanks. Yes I am lucky. Although I just feel confused. I guess I find it hard that I care about him and he doesn't care at all, he's so insensitive posting her all over facebook. It still hurts. I was feeling better but I don't know I guess my ego has been bruised. I feel so stupid for losing my virginity to a loser. I thought he cared, I thought I would spend my life with him. I was a fool! I only wanted 1 man I didn't want a number. Now if I want to have children 1 day which I do I'm going to have to have a number! I'm an old romantic lol I just feel like I meant nothing, my virginity meant nothing, I am nothing to him. That's what's hurts. I never realised men could be so horrible.

 

It happens, and is unfortunate. Anyone can be fooled. If I were you, I would take steps to rebuild your bruised ego. This is not your fault; and a number won't matter. That won't make you a whore or anything. I do understand your sentiments.

 

He knowa you are looking him up, and posting her would only hurt you. He's doing iy to get at you. Just stop looking then up, no good can come of it. What he has is fake.

[LadyM]

You were not a fool. You were taken in by a man who at the beginning was completely charming. By the time you realized his true nature, you were already deeply attached to him.

 

I know you still care about him - that's just how we humans are, but one day, you will clearly see the louse he is and you will feel grateful to be rid of him.

 

Just try to imagine your life with him five, ten, fifteen years down the road. You would have lived a life of misery, wasting all your good young years. How blessed you are to have the opportunity to get over him now and start again with someone who will cherish you.

 

And when you feel miserable thinking about him and his ex he's back together with, I can almost guarantee that you'll one day be hearing that they are no longer together.

[Emzy23]

Thankyou, you are both right. I know he is doing it to hurt me, I mean fancy saying to me when I found out about them, I'm just doing the things you missed, I made a love heart out of rosé petals on the bed and lit candles around the room. I ignored him he messaged me an hr later saying nothing to say? I ignored him. Clearly he just wants to hurt me. I have no idea why someone would go to extreme lengths to hurt you.

[Toddbt12y1]

Thankyou, you are both right. I know he is doing it to hurt me, I mean fancy saying to me when I found out about them, I'm just doing the things you missed, I made a love heart out of rosé petals on the bed and lit candles around the room. I ignored him he messaged me an hr later saying nothing to say? I ignored him. Clearly he just wants to hurt me. I have no idea why someone would go to extreme lengths to hurt you.

 

 

People can be evil. There really is no explanation for it. They simply do what they will, with no care.

 

Block his number.

[Emzy23]

Yes! And yes I have! Thank you for your support

[Toddbt12y1]

Yes! And yes I have! Thank you for your support

 

there's a nice smile!

[Emzy23]

I've gone completely backwards I tried to do the right thing. I saw my exs mum today and told her I was sorry but I needed to cut all contact. She was upset that her son had hurt me. I told her its not her fault and that hopefully in the future we can have a friendship once I'm truly over her son. I felt sick at this point and went home and felt so upset, I got angry and I messaged him saying something like I don't understand how he can so this and sleep at night, I said he broke my heart and it let like. Knife went through it when I saw him and sis ex together on FB that he paraded. I said are you happy now. You wanted to hurt me well you have so are you happy. He said don't message me your making his ex/gf again and myself uncomfortable. He def is narcassistic. He does not care at all.

 

I don't understand why he has to be so cruel, I'm trying so hard and I went backwards