underwater2010 Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 I just realized that I made the right decision in not exposing my FWH's affair to my family. He would never live it down. Thank god for thinking during a time of irrational thoughts. 2
experiencethedevine Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 You are indeed fortunate to have maintained at least some sense of the rational during such a traumatic period. Each of us make our decisions based on our own circumstances, and if yours dictate that keeping it to yourselves is the right thing to do, then you must take credit for saving yourselves the agony of your families dismay. I hope your husband appreciates it. He has a very gracious wife.
Author underwater2010 Posted November 20, 2013 Author Posted November 20, 2013 Thanks. We did expose to others. Just not family on either side. I would not receive any support from his family and mine likes to hold grudges.
Sub Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 Well done. I only told my best friend, who was also friends with my WW and I knew would be objective. Until I decided which path I was going down (R or D), I didn't want either of our family's influencing a decision that was ultimately mine. Like yours, it was the right choice. As an aside, an odd tidbit: I'm chalking it up to "the fog", but it boggled my mind at the time that my WW just assumed that if we did separate or D, the A would never have come out as a factor. That, to her family, we would have divorced not because of the A, but because I just didn't want to be with her anymore. Anyone else have this experience?
lilmisscantbewrong Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 Underwater - you are a good woman and kind. Unfortunately in my case it didn't work like this - wide spread publicity and gossip which took a very long time to even begin to recover from that was piled on top of the work we needed to do to recover the marriages. The families were reeling. Wide spread exposure (in my case) did not help the healing process - it impeded it greatly and there are days I am still not sure how it will all play out.
ChooseTruth Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 If he has gone NC with the AP then I totally agree. The fear of lack of forgiveness on my family's part was why I waited to reveal for so long. Unfortunately in my case she wouldn't go NC so I regret not having spilled it earlier.
experiencethedevine Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 The difficulty with exposure to others outside the relationship is that it offers the opportunity for judgments to be made. It is an enormous consideration that will affect the way your friends, family and others view you both. People take sides, it is in our nature. Keeping it away from those you know may find it difficult to be impartial is a wise decision for many, particularly when it comes to family members. You have chosen wisely in your own circumstances underwater, but be prepared for those feelings that might arise from NOT being able to discuss the issue with them. My own parents have long left this earth, before my husbands affair became evident. My Mother I know would have been bitterly disappointed in him. She adored him, and he her. My Father would have been enraged. Would I have revealed it to them? My Mother probably yes, and that would have brought about a completely different circumstance after the event. My husbands parents are in their 70's now, and we have never revealed his affair to them, mutually agreeing that they were (are) too old for such a stressful revelation, and his Mother would be terribly hurt and disappointed while his Father might never forgive him. Always a difficult decision...............
not-so-sure Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 These are interesting points to me as I begin this process of revelation and hopefully reconciliation. I accept that I messed things up and I am prepared to be accountable for that but obviously there's the question as to who I owe that accountability. My initial thoughts were to have my SIL look after my children whilst I took my wife out to somewhere quiet and tell her. I was going to tell my SIL why This thread suggests apart from my primary accountability to my wife, I should be wary of who gets to know. I hope this thread continues to develop.
leonine Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 When I confessed to my husband, I told him that he should tell whoever he felt that he needed support from and that I would take my lumps without complaint or resentment. He decided to tell his two best friends and a few people from his office since his work was suffering. He also gave one of his siblings a watered down version of events. A year and a half past d-day, we're both glad that he chose limited exposure. His mom might have forgiven me eventually, but his dad probably would have judged us both harshly (me for my A and him for staying with me). As it is, we had a very nice visit with them not long ago. That wouldn't have been possible if my husband had chosen broad exposure.
waterwoman Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 Neither did I. My parents have an uncertain relationship with h as it is and I don't think they could have forgiven him. After some time h told his sister's but not his mum. I don't see it as something they need the burden of.
Artie Lang Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 (edited) My H had no desire to rat me out deciding to expose infidelity- as well as who to expose it to -should not be considered "ratting someone out." cheating carries certain consequences, and one is EXPOSURE. how far and wide the exposure goes is at the discretion of the BS and reconciling couple. level of exposure depends on circumstances, although i do believe the other BS should be informed no matter what. don't get it twisted. Edited November 20, 2013 by Artie Lang 1
RightThere Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 I'm in the process of separating and I haven't "outed" my STBXW yet. Right now there is no benefit to me as I'm sure she'll become even more defensive and paranoid so the divorce will get uglier. Later I'm not sure what I'll do. I think I'll be honest with people if they as, but I wont' go out of my way to let everyone know. The person that concerns me right now is how I'm going to handle it with my daughter. She's just a preschooler right now, but it's inevitable that we'll discuss it one day.
not-so-sure Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 deciding to expose infidelity- as well as who to expose it to -should not be considered "ratting someone out." cheating carries certain consequences, and one is EXPOSURE. how far and wide the exposure goes is at the discretion of the BS and reconciling couple. level of exposure depends on circumstances, although i do believe the other BS should be informed no matter what. don't get it twisted. Even after the affair has been over for seven months? What about the situation where the other party is in poor health? She lost a ton of weight after we split and from what I can tell she's only just recovering. She chooses her own path and from my BS's perspective what at all does she have to do with it exactly? I know we all reap what we sow but this is all over as far as I'm concerned. As noted I lose all control over these kinds of things but what is the reasoning on a case like this?
Realist3 Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 I have never understood or witnessed where the scorched earth policy has ever worked out well. Your problem you deal with it. Letting the whole world know about it is a petty cry for attention, IMO.
Author underwater2010 Posted November 21, 2013 Author Posted November 21, 2013 I have never understood or witnessed where the scorched earth policy has ever worked out well. Your problem you deal with it. Letting the whole world know about it is a petty cry for attention, IMO. Most people that engage in an affair don't get the scorched earth policy. And when they are not remorseful, the never get it. It is mostly done to have outside support or tend end an affair that is in progress.
Artie Lang Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 (edited) with all do respect to the OP, a BS's decision to "out" the affair to whoever and however many people should not be viewed as a "scorched earth" policy situation. as i said, that's a probable consequence of having an affair. to each their own. that being said, i take issue with the fact that some label this as "ratting out" someone. only criminals and mobsters use that negative term to shame their former brethren/accomplices when they expose their nefarious acts. in terms of infidelity, you can't label a BS's possible reaction(FULL EXPOSURE) to finding out they've been cheated-on as ratting out their WS. Coolit, you've been very open about your situation, and it looks like you're headed in the right direction. but if you believe that a BS is ratting out a WS by exposing them- no matter how far it goes, you have it wrong. you're basically saying that the potential ramifications from the fallout of exposure lies with the BS; it doesn't..... it rests with the WS. to his credit, your husband didn't take this path, which saved you a lot of shame and grief..... good for you. but what if he hadn't? it doesn't mean he was "ratting you out." you put yourself in the position of possibly being exposed. sorry for the t/j, OP. Edited November 21, 2013 by Artie Lang 1
Author underwater2010 Posted November 21, 2013 Author Posted November 21, 2013 with all do respect to the OP, a BS's decision to "out" the affair to whoever and however many people should not be viewed as a "scorched earth" policy situation. as i said, that's a probable consequence of having an affair. to each their own. that being said, i take issue with the fact that some label this as "ratting out" someone. only criminals and mobsters use that negative term to shame their former brethren/accomplices when they expose their nefarious acts. in terms of infidelity, you can't label a BS's possible reaction(FULL EXPOSURE) to finding out they've been cheated-on as ratting out their WS. Coolit, you've been very open about your situation, and it looks like you're headed in the right direction. but if you believe that a BS is ratting out a WS by exposing them- no matter how far it goes, you have it wrong. you're basically saying that the potential ramifications from the fallout of exposure lies with the BS; it doesn't..... it rests with the WS. to his credit, your husband didn't take this path, which saved you a lot of shame and grief..... good for you. but what if he hadn't? it doesn't mean he was "ratting you out." you put yourself in the position of possibly being exposed. sorry for the t/j, OP. You are right on the mark. I was just using someone else's colorful phrase in my response. Good reply!!!!
atreides Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 I agree with the posters who say "exposure" is a consequence. In my opinion, it is not ratting out nor "scorched earth." Actions have consequences even when they are exponential. I believe in judgement whether it be good or bad, it is an important part of life in defining how we grow even if i am the one being judged. I have lived through 3 exposures in my own family and while for a few years gatherings were awkward, today they are not. We all grew from it. Also as coolit put it, it is up to the BS. 1
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