It's over

[bconnor]

Hi,

 

Here's my sad story.

 

For the last year, I have been involved with my work colleague. OW sits right across in the next cubicle. I moved next to her in Nov 2011 and over the next 6 months, we got very emotionally involved - to the point where we were having coffees together, talking a lot during work hours. Initially, I would compensate by doing work at night but then later, we would get on IM at night and that didn't really leave me any time to be productive at all.

 

In June 2012, she sent me a text telling me she loved me. Her husband found it (we were going to run a 5k the next day), I felt sick to my stomach and worst of all, my wife & I bumped into them at the car parking lot the next day and we all talked (I avoided them all by walking ahead with my 2 year old). She took a trip overseas with her husband where it all came out - her love for me - they had some really big and nasty fights. I told her it was over at that point, I couldn't leave my wife/my son. She came back from her holidays and we stayed cool to each other. Fast forward a month and we then slept together in her house at lunchtime - using her husbands condoms. Fast forward another few months and she moved out in Feb this year.

 

I helped her get settled and with no restrictions and her being in close proximity to where I live and where we work, I was over at her apartment a lot - she gave me a key soon after. The sex was incredible, 3/4 times a week. We went through some highs and lows together but we always came back to each other. I'm sure people at work noticed that we were always together - someone actually sent a letter calling us out to her initial home address (where her husband still lives). He kept the letter, told her it would remind him of what she was and had done.

 

My work has suffered incredibly, lost focus, inability to concentrate, lack of willingness to work whilst she has moved from strength to strength this year. She's been given a lot of accolades and more responsibilities this year which recently led to a big blow-up from my side. I'm jealous as I am no longer the "teacher's pet" and I have made her life miserable by letting her know that.

 

3 days ago, she finally decided to call it quits. She said she didn't want to be a mistress anymore, she's taken back her plant and key that was given to me and she's removed any ornaments that I had given her from her cubicle. We are no longer on speaking terms, there's only work related contact now and that's over email and IM. At work, she is constantly laughing and chatting with colleagues as if nothing is amiss but here I am - dying inside, quiet and lonely.

 

She's been through so much over the last year - she has 2 young girls and her husband & her alternate schedules on successive days to look after them. Her parents knows, her sister knows, her closest friends know what she did - they found out earlier this year when she moved out. Regardless of anything else, I'll give her the fact that she's got a lot of courage, she gave up on a 13 year old marriage even though I hadn't committed to her in terms of any dates or timelines.

 

My wife is a stay at home mum and we have a 2 year old boy who I adore.

 

The emotional pain is so hard to bear. My heart feels so heavy and my head feels like it's constantly pounding. I've put up a white board in between our cubicles so I don't have to see her but boy - it hurts. I've called a therapist and want to go speak to someone - I need to understand what I did and most importantly why I did it. The OW is smart/talented/driven and beautiful but the emotional connection is what really flew - I feel like I've lost a best friend forever. I have this longing for her but at the same time, I can't let my wife go so easily - I fought to marry her over my parents initial objections.

 

I'm lost - unsure what to tell my wife (she suspects but doesn't know), how to go on with my job, how to go on with life - feels like there's a big empty hole especially since the OW sits right next to me.

 

Any soothing words would be appreciated.

 

Thanks

[Iguanna]

I can't stop my susicious self start making scenarios in my head: this woman ended it like this and shows she doesn't care only to drive you crazy and leave your wife. Most married men leave their wives under these conditions, when the OW has left them, they realize they have lost the security they used to have, they realize they "can't live without her" and she knows this and takes advantage of this so she will force you emotionally to act. I'm basing this theory on what she said "i'm tired to be a mistress", she didn't say she didn't love you anymore for example which would make more sense to separate.

 

Leaving this scenario behind, you know yourself what alll work needed to be done is from your side. You are the one who needs to think why this happened, why you handled it this way, if you love your wife, if your relationship is strong enough to deal with this difficulty, if you are ready to make sacrifices for your family. I know it would e better if someone could make the hard decisions for us, but you know this can't happen.

 

Good luck

[experiencethedevine]

Taking responsibility for your choices and behaviour is difficult when all you want to do is wallow in self pity, but you must seek professional counselling to begin the quest of knowing what it is about you that makes you self absorbed and disrespectful to your family.

 

You must leave your job. Now. Nothing good is going to come from being in such close proximity to the one person you should not be anywhere near if it is indeed your intention to stay with your wife and child.

 

Your wife deserves the truth. By that I mean your confession of all that has occurred. As you say, she has had suspicions but no evidence. Your wife is intelligent too, and is trying to protect herself and your son. Do not insult that by attempting to denigrate her.

[dreamingoftigers]

So it seems that your family is a forgotten-about afterthought as the OW and the way she makes you feel (or not) is the focus.

 

Sad story for everyone.

 

I think your wife will know what to do if you go to her with this information. Something tells me her parents won't mind if you exit at this point.

[curiousGeorge2]

She has done a lot for you, more than an OW would do in most cases, and gets very little in return. Also I suspect she has lost respect of you when you made her life miserable.

 

I would change a job in your case.

[Iguanna]

She has done a lot for you, more than an OW would do in most cases, and gets very little in return.

 

I'm not sure from the initial story described that this woman left her husband DUE to the OP or if he was just an excuse to leave an unhappy marriage. A clarification would be nice. But most of the times OWs don't quit that easily from a married man, especially if they left their husbands for him. This woman though seems to have quit really easily and show she doesn't care, I find it weird and makes me believe she is following a plan to make him leave his family (so typical women's tricks).

[Quiet Storm]

You want your family intact, and you want OW to happily meet your needs for attention & validation. It is selfish of you to want all that. You indulged yourself for awhile, but it's time to get your priorities straight.

 

This "feeling" that OW gives you... that's all it is. A feeling. One that is likely based in your own insecurity & unrealistic needs. It's more intense now because you feel rejected. But remember- feelings are fleeting. They will come and go. They can be contained. Your thoughts can be redirected. Your two year old... don't you teach him that he can't throw a tantrum every time he is mad? You show him self control. The same concept can be applied to your "love" feelings for the OW. You don't have to act on your emotions. You don't have to give these feelings any credit. You can sit with them, acknowledge them...and eventually, they will pass.

 

You are robbing your wife & son of the respect & loyalty that they deserve. You were robbing OW of her chance to have a "real relationship". And you are robbing yourself of any dignity that you may have had before all this. You are treating those that you claim to love horribly. And you are losing your self respect in the process.

 

You need to find a new job & put the focus back on your marriage. If you are not happy with your sex life, work on getting that resolved. You will need to have some uncomfortable conversations with your wife. You may need to go to counseling. You need to accept that you can't have it all, and that you may lose what you value most if you don't get yourself together.

[bconnor]

Yes, I do realize I need therapy. I reached out to one particular therapist - waiting to see if an appointment slot will be available.

 

Here's her email: "

I don't want this buried under the other messages so I'm using Gmail.

I'd like to believe that this time it's real, that I'm going to have the courage to stay away from you. I want to make it crystal clear that it's not because of anything else except that you are not available and by being in love with someone who's unavailable, I'm torturing myself.

I'm going to enlist help from others to keep me on this path, but please help by staying away."

 

 

My understanding of why she left her husband is because she had issues in her marriage for part of her 13 years, he wasn't abusive, maybe dominant but there was lack of sexual intimacy, she didn't enjoy it and I guess she wanted to be swept off her feet. I sat in her kitchen with her a year ago and begged her not to divorce him but at the end of last year, he got sick of it - he didn't want to be the 2nd choice. I don't understand something - if someone hasn't committed to being with you - why would you leave your marriage and separate (they aren't divorced yet). What I truly find humbling now is that he told her at one point that if I was the guy she wanted to be with, he would do everything to make it happen. I feel sorrow that I messed up his life ( I don't know if he will take her back in - I don't know if she will go back to him) and I feel incredibly sad for her 2 kids to have to live in 2 separate households now.

 

 

She picked the day after my birthday to tell me it was over. It's so painful to know that she's just in the next cubicle, I can hear her talk, hear her laugh and it kills me knowing she's able to do that. She's devoting all her attention to work at the moment, I see work emails from her early in the morning and late at night.

 

 

I have looked at other career opportunities and continue to do so, it might not be so quick to change. Considering I am the only one that works in the family, I want to make sure I don't do anything stupid right now like quitting and not being able to then support my wife/son.

[Walker69]

Only one option you have to save your family including 2 yo - Move on, leave the job or take long holiday until you get over her.

 

You are now feeling it's impossible to get over OW, it's not. If you have determination, you can win. OW is playing now so that you leave your wife. Don't do that.

[Darren Steez]

Suggest you start laughing and being fun too. Stop moping. Life is too short to be so melodramatic.

[Iguanna]

As I said, she found the excuse to leave her husband cause she wasn't happy in this marriage so it was not totally your fault, you were just the motive.That being said I think that you are not that crazy for her and you are more irritated that she left you and she tries to get over you than that you love her and can't live without her. It was an adventure, see it like this, either take a big holiday to refresh your relationship with your wife or find another job if it's easy. I insist (and the previous poster agrees) that this OW is doing this to make you leave your wife. Do not make her the favor. Leaving her husband and her kids living in 2 homes was HER choice, she is an adult and you can't feel guilty for this.

[HollyGolightlly]

I cannot believe how close our stories are. I'm the OW and I used to work with my MM. I have two daughters and I left someone and moved out on my own without any promise from MM. I understand how your OW feels. To be honest- you're never going to leave your wife. I can't believe I'm saying it but you need to really TRY and fix your marriage. Try to respark the romance.

 

If you can't be happy, then you should probably get a divorce and start your life over. Your OW most likely still loves you. I remember when I'd cut my MM off I'd laugh in our office but I knew he was in pain. He'd always come back and I knew it's because he saw me living happily.

 

It depends on who she is if you guys have a good future...If she admits what she did was wrong (dating a married man, having an affair) and she admits that she wishes she would have found the right way (This is how I feel) then I feel like there's a good opportunity for you guys to start over if you wanted to be with her.

 

 

But, your wife is at home with your son and probably doesn't deserve this...some stay at home moms don't care if they don't have sex or see their husband as long as he's paying the bills and she's comfortable (I strongly believe this to be true with my MM, hell, i'm pregnant and his wife knows and she's still with him- if he didn't have money to support her and she was attractive enough to get another husband she probably would be OUT by now, and that's a shame because that's not real love)

[beach]

Why don't you tell your wife? She deserves to understand how little you think of her.

 

IF you intend to stay married - quit the job today!

[Cinnimon]

Isn't it funny that if the OW stays in the A she is blamed for all kinds of things and then when she leaves, she's blamed for playing games? Could it be that maybe she left the affair for the reasons she stated, because she is sick of torturing herself over a man who is unavailable?

[Iguanna]

Yes it's possible she left cause of the reasons she said, but you can't really trust a woman in love... I mean, she had the audacity to create a relationship with a married man, leave her husband, invite MM to her house etc. What makes you think she will stop anywhere to get what she wants?

[Cinnimon]

You can't really trust a woman in love? That's a new one.

[Iguanna]

You can't really trust a woman in love? That's a new one.

 

If you don't know this, you got a long way in front of you to know about women. A woman who is in love is capable of doing extreme things to win a man or keep him. Men can't really realize it. Things they may consider true or random may be untrue and not random at all but being planned to look that way. Are you really surprised to hear that? Lets think then how many women over the centuries have gotten pregnant to make the man marry them? Total shock, I know :S

[Cinnimon]

No, I don't know this and don't agree with it either. But that's the great thing about a forum like this, we can share our opinions and agree to disagree when necessary.

[Iguanna]

Of course we can

[bconnor]

Holly - does the love from the OW go away so quickly ?? It's been a week today since we've had no contact outside work and she's laughing at work but I suspect she's dying inside too. Are all women able to multi-task so well ?? I sat at work most days this week sitting staring at my monitor knowing she's in the next cubicle but I can't quite reach over - not yet.

 

I've made my appointment with a therapist - first session is on Monday. I also told my sister about the affair - she's non judgemental but her advice is to keep my family intact.

 

I'm pretty sure people in the office know also - after all, we've been inseperable for the last year, we go out for coffee together, for lunch, I sit in meetings next to her. Someone sent a letter to her house a few months ago - only husband lives at the house - she had moved out at the start of the year. The letter basically stated that both of us had been seen leaving the office together after work and the intent of the letter was to warn the family that things may be amiss. The coward typed up the letter, didn't use their name and for some reason only sent it to her house. Her husband opened it and told her about it - he also told her he wasn't giving it over - he wanted it as a reminder of her ways.

 

I am struggling with the concept of telling my wife - I know this is totally going to destroy her. At the same time, I keep dreaming of how my life with this other woman would be. The back and forth - mental tirades are so physically exhausting. At the same time, I know, there is going to be so much regret for the rest of my life - damned if I do, damned if I don't.

 

I haven't made love to my wife for close to a year. She hasn't cared - why not ?? Is my 3 year old son the only thing in her life that she truly cares about ?

 

I agree with the statement that the OW was sick of torturing herself over an unavailable man. I have been incredibly selfish - I wanted the stable concept of a marriage but at the same time, I wanted to be with this incredibly sexy, talented woman.

 

I'm not sure what my wife will do when she finds out - whether she'll want to stay for the sake of our son or go. She knows I've been acting weird this week - chalking it up to work and depression - I've told her about the therapist appointment. She is such a sweet girl and she doesn't deserve me.

 

Is it normal to have such bipolar thoughts after a week ??

[Iguanna]

Seems the mistress is close to succeeding her goal. All men are the same...

[Baby123]

Are you in love with the bs or the ow?

 

Do you have romantic feeling for your wife?

 

Your indecisiveness has hurt the ow and now she's withdrawing.

 

She's protecting herself- a lot of ow should do this- put up barriers instead of loosing themselves in the name of love for someone who doesn't exclusively love them- or atleast not enough to be with them.

[Cinnimon]

Holly - does the love from the OW go away so quickly ?? It's been a week today since we've had no contact outside work and she's laughing at work but I suspect she's dying inside too. Are all women able to multi-task so well ?? I sat at work most days this week sitting staring at my monitor knowing she's in the next cubicle but I can't quite reach over - not yet.

 

I've made my appointment with a therapist - first session is on Monday. I also told my sister about the affair - she's non judgemental but her advice is to keep my family intact.

 

I'm pretty sure people in the office know also - after all, we've been inseperable for the last year, we go out for coffee together, for lunch, I sit in meetings next to her. Someone sent a letter to her house a few months ago - only husband lives at the house - she had moved out at the start of the year. The letter basically stated that both of us had been seen leaving the office together after work and the intent of the letter was to warn the family that things may be amiss. The coward typed up the letter, didn't use their name and for some reason only sent it to her house. Her husband opened it and told her about it - he also told her he wasn't giving it over - he wanted it as a reminder of her ways.

 

I am struggling with the concept of telling my wife - I know this is totally going to destroy her. At the same time, I keep dreaming of how my life with this other woman would be. The back and forth - mental tirades are so physically exhausting. At the same time, I know, there is going to be so much regret for the rest of my life - damned if I do, damned if I don't.

 

I haven't made love to my wife for close to a year. She hasn't cared - why not ?? Is my 3 year old son the only thing in her life that she truly cares about ?

 

I agree with the statement that the OW was sick of torturing herself over an unavailable man. I have been incredibly selfish - I wanted the stable concept of a marriage but at the same time, I wanted to be with this incredibly sexy, talented woman.

 

I'm not sure what my wife will do when she finds out - whether she'll want to stay for the sake of our son or go. She knows I've been acting weird this week - chalking it up to work and depression - I've told her about the therapist appointment. She is such a sweet girl and she doesn't deserve me.

 

Is it normal to have such bipolar thoughts after a week ??

 

BC, I know you directed this at Holly but as a former OW that did infact walk away from a MM, I felt the need to say something. Wether some choose to believe it or not, all OW are not out to get what they want and no care as to who they destroy in their path. I do not think that this OW in your case has fallen out of love with you at all but I can attest to the fact (in my own case) that it is excruciatingly painful to be involved with and love a man who is unavailable. Some might say well that's what you get for becoming involved with a MM but it's not always black and white like some choose to believe, in some cases feelings do evolve over time and through a friendship where neither is expecting it. I walked away from my MM still loving him with all my heart. It hurt like hell, but in my mind I knew that I could not force him to leave his M and if he did leave his marriage would he be the same man that I had loved? I held on for a long time, trying to bargain with myself over ways to just be friends, but the fact was , I wasn't just his friend, you cannot go backwards. I walked away because of the pain I was in, the pain he was in, the potential pain of his W and his family. I did not do it trying to make him leave for me. I did it because staying in was like living a nightmare daily, I was in constant pain. I did it so that he wouldn't have to choose, live a double life, live in constant turmoil like you've described in your post. I walked away because I loved him, still do, probably will forever...........Hope this makes sense. Sorry your hurting

[bconnor]

Cinnimon - I had tears when I read your post. I sincerely believe with all my heart that she's acting in the way that you've described. She's hurting like hell but she sacrificed for now and does not want to be tortured knowing I am unavailable.

 

I've got ask though - if he had come back 2 months later and told you that the time away had given him perspective and he wanted a life with you - would you have accepted a life with him ??

 

Someone else asked who I am in love with and it's the OW. Likewise, do I have any romantic inclinations to my wife - the answer is No. We haven't made love in something like 9-12 months.

 

I didn't go into this asking for anything other than friendship with a co-worker. But, we became way more emotionally attached than I could ever have imagined. I stand at the ledge wondering what to do now. My first reaction is to go to her and tell her I want a life. But.. that's what the heart wants - now I have to use my head - someone I haven't done for the better part of 1-1.5 years. So, I'll start by seeing a therapist next week and go through sessions to understand why.

 

The hardest part is going to be whether to tell my wife or not. Since she has already suspected something - it won't be a conversation starting from zero but I know it will destroy her and Yes, I clearly didn't show or think of these emotions when I started my affair - guilty as charged.

[waterwoman]

 

Someone else asked who I am in love with and it's the OW. Likewise, do I have any romantic inclinations to my wife - the answer is No. We haven't made love in something like 9-12 months.......

 

The hardest part is going to be whether to tell my wife or not. Since she has already suspected something - it won't be a conversation starting from zero but I know it will destroy her and Yes, I clearly didn't show or think of these emotions when I started my affair - guilty as charged.

 

Given the above I would guess that your wife strongly suspects and may be very unhappy with your marriage. When you tell her her strongest emotion may be relief at finally having the truth and confirmation that she wasn't going mad all these months. She may then make up your mind for you. I hope she does so for both your sakes. She won't want to be the consolation prize:(