my BF wants to go on vacay without me.

[minkiemal]

I need advice and really dont know where else to turn to that can give me a wise and acknowledgeable opinion...If your going to criticize my situation just move on from the thread please.

 

So about 5 months ago my bf (of 2 years) and I were planning this dream vacation with our friends. I wish I could tell you what the event is but I'm trying to keep my secrecy on here...lets just say its MASSIVE party out of state. The problem is tickets sold out the day the came on the market and the only way to get a ticket is to KNOW someone who is going to sell them to you...cant get them through a vendor. WELL it just so happened our mutual friend was selling my bf a pair! When I asked my bf if he had bought the tickets he avoided the question... So I asked our mutual friend who would not tell me but HINTED he did.

 

Well about 2 weeks ago my bf and I decided to take a break, no talking or seeing each other... the problem was I accused him of cheating on me for the 100th time which I KNOW is a very unattractive trait. He in the past had done some shady things that could HAVE lead to cheating so now I'm insecure :-\

 

He said he wanted me to grow up a little, find myself again, learn to trust, love and understand that everything is going to be ok and that he really is in love with me. So I did, left him alone completely...until I went drinking for the football game sunday night. I called him (total no no) but I couldnt help it, I just really missed him. He wasnt mad but said he still needed space.

 

Well I get on FB this morning (stupid social media) and saw someone had posted "CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU AT _________, were going to have so much fun"

my heart sank...he was going without me on vacation!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I called him tonight to verify things and its true, he does not want me to go...(& i'll try my best to remember exactly what he said) but in a nutshell he explained to me that i've experienced a lot in my life time that he hasnt without me (the party life) and wanted to go on this trip with a best guy friend than me...

Explained BASICALLY he wants me to wait around for him while he gets his boyish angst out before he settles down and that if "I" love him i'll let him go on this trip without me no problem... (were both in our late 20s)

 

i'm sorry but AM I the crazy one here to think this is just rude and a slap in the face????

 

I said if thats the case, we should break up and that he should let me go find someone who really wants to love me thick through thin and wouldnt even imagine going on our dream vacation without me.

 

He doesnt want to break up, said he has no intention of seeing other girls, meeting girls on the trip or at the MASSIVE PARTY & only has eyes for me? so now im so F@#$ confused.

 

Someone talk to me

[Uwaae]

First of all, you want advice on here, but you dont want to be criticized, pretty childish if you ask me

Seems like you should just get your own life and stop being jealous.

He probablay cant handle anymore of you right now, and just dont want you around.

[CarrieT]

There is no such thing as a "break."

 

He has made his decision and you know he is going to party and get some.

 

Just break up with him and don't look back. Why would you want to be with someone who treats you like this anyway? Don't you deserve to be treated better?

[MrCastle]

Wants to have his cake and eat it too.

 

Aka, put you on hold, mess around on vacation, have his fun, and come back to you for steady sex.

 

That's all that really is, speaking as a man in his late 20s.

 

But I would have dumped him after the "100th" time he did something shady.

 

Well, maybe after the first or second shady thing actually.

[Grumpybutfun]

 

He said he wanted me to grow up a little, find myself again, learn to trust, love and understand that everything is going to be ok and that he really is in love with me.

my heart sank...he was going without me on vacation!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I called him tonight to verify things and its true, he does not want me to go...(& i'll try my best to remember exactly what he said) but in a nutshell he explained to me that i've experienced a lot in my life time that he hasnt without me (the party life) and wanted to go on this trip with a best guy friend than me...

 

minkiemal:

I don't think it is rude as he explained to you what he wants right now. He wants a break from you so you can grow up and stop getting insecure and jealous every five minutes and in that time out, he wants to hang out with his friend. Since you accuse him of cheating, he probably feels he can't go to Vegas with friends without the break. He may have sex or he may not. As you are on break due to your nagging him incessantly, you don't get to control what he does.

The only thing I don't agree with him here is that he shouldn't keep reiterating that he loves you since you haven't really shown that you have changed or grown any as a person. Also, why would you want to be with someone who goes to these extremes to get away from you to party?

It is your choice if you want to accept his request and work on yourself or if you want to get mad, break up with him and move on. From your post, and your need to only be validated and not criticized, I can assume that you growing up and working on yourself is an excellent venture and you should embrace it for the health of any future relationships regardless of this one lasting or not.

Grumps

Edited November 20, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

[minkiemal]

well I just got off the phone with him

 

I said "I am incredibly hurt that you are taking this away from me but wont let me go with someone else or break up and move on with my life"

 

he said "well if you would just change maybe your current situation would too"

implying if I stop doing whatever is bugging him I can go again??

 

Grrr so frustrating.

[Grumpybutfun]

well I just got off the phone with him

 

I said "I am incredibly hurt that you are taking this away from me but wont let me go with someone else or break up and move on with my life"

 

he said "well if you would just change maybe your current situation would too"

implying if I stop doing whatever is bugging him I can go again??

 

Grrr so frustrating.

 

minkie:

It is up to you if you want to move on with your life, not him. Change should come from you, a need for you to be a better person, not as an ultimatum to go on a trip. Do what is best for you, not based on what he demands, but on what is good for your life. Your insecurity issues are not going to just go away without some deep reflection and you seeing it as a problem.

Good luck,

Grumps

[Gottabestrong]

I might be misunderstanding, but it sounds to me that the issue is him going on vacation without you. Am I right? If yes, than I think it is not a huge deal and you should let him go. Especially since you just went on a break/broke-up a short while ago. I think space will be good for both of you.

 

I've often gone on holidays with my girlfriends and my boyfriends with their mates, so I don't think it is a big deal. I understand that you are upset you are missing out on this dream holiday, but since you are on a break right now, you would not be going with him anyway, right?

 

Now, if on the other hand you are upset because you think he will cheat on you or do something else that is shady and he simply expects you to stay at home and let him 'get it out of his system' then I think that is not alright and you should break up with him now.

[Ninjainpajamas]

If you're late twenties why is your life like a teenage drama?

 

Look, hopefully he breaks up with you because he's likely already cheated on you...you sound hyper-insecure and go with the flow because you have no idea what you're doing and just cling onto men like a baby clinging to life and taking this "break" you think is actually going to accomplish something...I mean seriously, what is it that you do hope to accomplish here?

 

If you guys are on a "break" doesn't he have his freedom at this point? you're not actually "together" right?

 

The guys going to go down to this mega-party, try to meet some bimbo then blame the rest on the alcohol.

 

You both sound immature and childish, this sounds like your typical girl chasing boy scenario...you should let this relationship go, but since I know you won't then hopefully he cuts it off instead of just putting you in his back pocket to call you whenever he needs you.

 

Don't know how people make it to their late 20's and think, act and talk like this...hopefully you start taking control of your own life instead of swinging on this guys nuts who you have to constantly blame for cheating when he likely already has and you actually are naive enough to believe everything he's telling you like it's gold....of course he doesn't want you to go, sounds like there's going to be drunk walking vaginas everywhere.

 

Quit playing the drama queen and self-loathing over everything, be a grown up, walk away on your own two feet, use your head for once instead of blaming someone else for your problems.

[d0nnivain]

Going on vacation without you shouldn't be that big of a deal. Going to this massive party without you is another story. He has one foot out the door because you pushed him there. In your own words you accused him of being unfaithful for the "100th time." He's done & despite his protests that he won't, it wouldn't shock to learn that at this event he does exactly what you have been accusing him of all this time. His justification will be that he was drunk.

 

I think you are on solid ground to say that this relationship is over if he goes on the trip but you better mean it & you better stay away from him -- not drunk dial him after football games -- if you miss him.

 

If you are not willing to give him the ultimatium: you or this party, then you better find a way to put on your big girl panties & actually TRUST him while he's gone. If you say one asccusation about hsi bahavior at the event, you will never be able to repair the relationship. If he goes & is faithful while you accept him at his word, you should be on the path to something solid.

[minkiemal]

Well later last night I explained, if this was originally a trip with the boys to anywhere else in the world I wouldn't care & YES would let you go but since this is a dream we both shared for years to get tickets to this event & you decide to take my piece & give it to your homeboy? you damn right I'm upset.

 

So at the end I said "if you go without me I don't think I can look at your face again :-/ because someone who says they love me so much would not leave me at home"

 

With saying that well his voice started to studder, well uh uh I understand uh we can talk more about it later uh I love you"

 

So we'll see

Thanks for the advice everyone!

I'm strong enough to break up if needed

[pteromom]

So at the end I said "if you go without me I don't think I can look at your face again :-/ because someone who says they love me so much would not leave me at home"

 

This is kinda self-sabotaging on your part.

 

If he wants to go with his friend, now he believes he has to break it off with you to do it.

 

If he decides to take you, he is going to RESENT you being there the entire time. He's going to feel emasculated and coerced into it, and even if he enjoys himself, he's going to then have a grudge against you.

 

I'm strong enough to break up if needed

 

I don't think it's necessary (unless you actually DO believe he's cheating.)

 

The best thing you can do in this situation is show him that you are growing. Tell him to go and have fun. Don't accuse him of cheating or ask him about girls he talks to. Give him freedom to do what he wants.

 

I get that it sucks since this is a dream vacation for you, but it's a matter of how much you want your relationship. It's poor timing that this trip coincides with your break-up and issues.

 

But here's the deal: when he goes on this trip without you, he's going to feel free and happy and light. When he calls you to check in, you will either ADD to his happiness, or be a weight trying to pull him down.

 

If you want to keep your relationship, don't pull him down.

[Zahara]

I'm strong enough to break up if needed

 

Really? You've had to endure the probability of him cheating on you for the 100TH time because he's done some shady crap and that didn't push you to walk away but now you're strong enough and this trip is what will be the dealbreaker?

[beach]

Then break up - so you can find someone who doesn't intend to change you - and someone who builds trust within your relationship.

[nescafe1982]

The vacation isn't the problem. It's his desire to put your relationship on "pause" while he does god-knows-what on vacation. And it's your insecurity, which may be either the cause or effect of his noncommittal waffling.

 

He's also treating you like a child. That doesn't sit right with me.

 

My advice? Make this break the final one. Move on, take some time to figure yourself out, and ask yourself why you get involved with men that treat you poorly. Take a break from dating until you learn some things about how you ended up in the relationship.

[hotpotato]

I would definitely be irritated bc id have to start looking for a new boyfriend.

 

Sounds like he wants to go have fun with other people esp female people. Then he wants you to wait around until he gets it out of his system. That doesnt sit well with me.

 

It sounds like he doesnt even care that he is hurting you. Imho hes doing something outrageous to make you break up with him.

Edited November 20, 2013 by hotpotato

[mammasita]

You're both in the wrong. You for being insecure and accusatory. If you don't trust him and he's done shady things, you should have dumped him a long time ago. He's wrong for going on this vacay and putting you on hold - he's blowing smoke up your ass about not partying and only having eyes for you. Complete and utter BS.

 

He's going on this vacation plain and simple. Its up to you whether you're going to stand your ground.

[ExpatInItaly]

Well later last night I explained, if this was originally a trip with the boys to anywhere else in the world I wouldn't care & YES would let you go but since this is a dream we both shared for years to get tickets to this event & you decide to take my piece & give it to your homeboy? you damn right I'm upset.

 

So at the end I said "if you go without me I don't think I can look at your face again :-/ because someone who says they love me so much would not leave me at home"

With saying that well his voice started to studder, well uh uh I understand uh we can talk more about it later uh I love you"

 

So we'll see

Thanks for the advice everyone!

I'm strong enough to break up if needed

 

Good grief, woman. Manipulation is not the answer. He might just give you your final walking papers.

 

On the other hand, why do you complain to him that he won't let you break up? You don't need his permission to walk away from this. It sounds as though there are several problems in the relationship. He's going on this trip whether you like it or not - take this time to decide if he is really what you want.

[JOYTOME]

Well later last night I explained, if this was originally a trip with the boys to anywhere else in the world I wouldn't care & YES would let you go but since this is a dream we both shared for years to get tickets to this event & you decide to take my piece & give it to your homeboy? you damn right I'm upset.

 

So at the end I said "if you go without me I don't think I can look at your face again :-/ because someone who says they love me so much would not leave me at home"

 

With saying that well his voice started to studder, well uh uh I understand uh we can talk more about it later uh I love you"

 

So we'll see

Thanks for the advice everyone!

 

I'm strong enough to break up if needed

 

I understand why you might be a bit slighted about his decision to exclude you from his holiday, I'm a very sensitive person and I'd be a bit hurt as well. But I have to be candid, you're coming across as excessively needy. You're w break because you're constantly on his neck and YET you persist with this behaviour. It's just ONE holiday, if your relationship lasts you'll have enjoy other holidays together.

 

Seems to me like you're taking his patience for granted and I predict that you'll get dumped sooner than later, for good reason as well. You're not his wife you know? Take it easy and let him breathe jeez. And if you're so distrusting of him, dump him.

[d0nnivain]

I don't understand the idea that you're insecure because in the past he did some things that could have led to temptation but didn't. To me the fact that he made the right decision & didn't cheat is more proof that he's faithful. That should increase not decrease your level of trust.

 

 

Your BF is a not a Ken Doll; you can't just take him out of the box when you want to play with him & expect him to sit on a shelf while you are out living life.

[minkiemal]

Update;

 

So my boyfriend finally stopped beating around the bush with me & told me exactly what is going on...he explained that he never has enough space in the relationship to do anything without me, like hang out with friends or go do an activity etc & felt he had to push me away for me to understand. He didn't want to hurt my feelings by buying a ticket for himself but decided that if I wanted to go with my other girlfriend that is going & meet at the "party" that wouldn't upset him.

 

He also explained he has no need to be with other girls cause he does see himself with me for the rest of his life but realizes he has had no free time to himself

 

I have to agree with the fact that although he was close to cheating on me & came running back shows he's more loyal by being given temptation & saying no. I can't say I wasn't in the same situation in our relationship at some point.

 

If he didnt want to be with me he wouldn't keep us together... I think what we're doing is more work than just being single! I know men are simple creatures & would have thrown in the towel if it wasn't worth it.

 

I did explain to him how I felt what he did behind my back was shady & I didn't approve of how he handled it, he understands now.

 

So were both going on our trip, just not together... & who knows maybe once we get to our destination our feelings will be different?

[minkiemal]

I don't understand the idea that you're insecure because in the past he did some things that could have led to temptation but didn't. To me the fact that he made the right decision & didn't cheat is more proof that he's faithful. That should increase not decrease your level of trust.

 

 

Your BF is a not a Ken Doll; you can't just take him out of the box when you want to play with him & expect him to sit on a shelf while you are out living life.

 

He said those exact words to me!

 

 

"Babe I'm not a toy you can play with whenever you want!"