Breakup survival guide, or things I wish I'd done.

[AnyaNova]

I think I am posting this for my own benefit, somewhat, so that I can dig it up if and when I get broken up with again and institute it immediately.

 

1) Go no contact no more than 48 hours after breakup for at least 60 days.

 

NC. No facebook, tumblr, Whatsapp, social media, ask all friends and family to not even speak to you about him or her.

 

2) Starting Day two, even if you are a dude, make yourself cry for 20 minutes about it with sad breakup music. Do this long enough--for enough days (I always lost attention and forget to, which is too bad) you will find your brain gets very bored of your lost love/soap opera in your head. You will find yourself thinking about the groceries or the laundry. After 20 minutes, make yourself go about your business.

 

This is a good thing.

 

3) For the first 5 to 7 days, if you are like me, and can't even think of eating at all, allow yourself to eat whatever sounds good, even if it is tiny little snacks during the day and a lot of them. If it is ice cream at one point. Half a brownie at another. A piece of pizza. Anything. Don't worry at this point about the type or amount, if you are having difficulty eating you are unlikely to overindulge. If the acute pain is bad, take a tylenol or ibuprofen. These have been shown to reduce emotional pain of rejection.

 

4) Also starting day two-- anytime you have some spare time. Do something you enjoy. No. You won't want to do it. Make Yourself! Continue to make yourself. Eventually you will find yourself enjoying moments of them despite yourself.

 

5) Theory of opposites--whatever you normally are inclined to do--do the opposite. If you are normally inclined to be introverted, recuperate alone, and contemplate every detail of the relationship, what could have been different, the mistakes you made etc...Go out and do stuff with actual people. If you prefer quiet environments, go out to see a loud band. If you are shy and retiring, go flirt with guys (or girls) depending on your gender and preferences. If you are a social butterfly and always need people around, retire and spend some time with yourself. I don't know why this works, but especially in the immediate shock and aftermath, this really helps.

 

6) Watch lots of comedians when you have the time. I find Eddie Izzard particularly beneficial for this. he sneaks up on you and you find yourself laughing so hard. Yes. You will, if you are at all like me, find yourself laughing and crying at the same time. Continue to do this. You will feel better for having done this.

 

7) Unless you are in your 20 minutes of #2, allow yourself 3 to 5 days of sad, rip your heart out breakup music. Then! Stop. Whatever music makes you feel empowered (I find "I get Knocked Down" and "And She Was" quite empowering for some reason, and "Not my Mother's broken heart" quite amusing), better, happy, ironic, anything but sad, angry bitter, or depressed. Whatever the music that makes you feel the former and not the latter. Listen to that! Exert iron control.

 

8) There is no hope for this relationship. It is dead. Your ex killed it and stomped on it. Even if later in the future you guys get together you have to have a new relationship. Which means both of you completely healed and moved on from this one. That means abandoning all hope. Because all hope is for the dead relationship. Getting back together before working all this out is a surefire way to kill the relationship again and suffer this pain needlessly again.

 

Just grieve the loss now and let it die. The longer you hold out hope, the slower you will recover.

 

9) If you don't have a kitty or puppy, get a teddy bear, or extremely fluffy pillow. Something warm that you can hold. Preferably though, something warm and alive that you can love and that can return your love.

 

10) Start a new book.

 

11) Start a new piece of music (or whatever your hobby is).

 

12) Make myself knit a little every day (or whatever another enjoyable hobby is).

 

13) Made myself focus more fully on my work (although the cough meds I was on really made this one not possible in my case this go around).

 

14) After the first 5 to 7 days, insist on eating nutritious meals. Consider taking a multivitamin if you don't already. Trust me when I say your brain does not work well and won't be able to process the loss if you don't have proper nutrition fueling your brain.

 

15) Do not pass go. Do not collect 200. If you have the money to or already have a gym membership. Go to the gym. Spend lots of time there, you know, actually working out. 16) Find the mantras that work for you. For me, "I am happier alone than in a bad relationship. I am happier alone than with someone who doesn't want to make it work. etc" Whatever they are, program them into your brain and repeat them daily.

 

17) Repeat again. Give up hope. Practice killing it daily. It will be like the beast in Hotel California. You will stab it with your steely knives, and you will need to kill it again and again and again. Eventually, though, it will actually stay dead. Unlike the beast in Hotel California.

 

18) Allow yourself exactly 10 to 15 days to deconstruct every minute detail of the relationship, aftermath, does he love me, did he ever care about me etc. with friends, family, random strangers on the street, your therapist, and anyone else who will listen. Then STOP (except with your therapist, he or she can probably help you with it).

 

All this little game is, is "keeping the connection with your ex alive by playing the "if i think about it and talk about it enough" I can actually magically think my way back with him (or her)." Bad game. Keeps your feelings stuck.

 

19) Post on LS starting day one. That way, you can spare your friends, family, and ex a good deal of your breakup crazy (learn from my mistakes people!).

 

20) Breaking NC = placing your hand on a gaslit burner. Tell yourself this. Place your hand on a gaslit burner if your desires to contact your ex become too intolerable. It will be more functional and fundamentally hurt less (and please don't actually do that! Or if you actually do, know that this warning serves as legal protection against a lawsuit! :-p)

 

21) Change the furniture, pictures, deco, anything you can in your house.

 

22) Women, if you can, get all new bath and body products to signify a new start. Play with changing makeup looks (why I am saying this, you guys know this).

 

23) Stop focusing on your ex. He is not concerned about you right now. He is probably out doing everything he can to forget about you (best not to think too hard about what these things are). You focus on you and making yourself happy and giving yourself positive and concrete sensory experiences. Ground yourself.

 

24) Human love is not everlasting. Not yours. Not his. Not anybody's. Only God's love is everlasting. Contemplate this. Many times.

 

If all you all have anything to add to this, feel free. :-)

[JoelBarish]

Say no to breadcrumbs. If you get some from your ex reject them immediately.

 

If you are wondering if your ex truly had feelings for you because he/she dumped you so suddenly, the answer is yes.

 

If you are wondering if your ex ever thinks of you, the answer is yes.

 

If you are wondering if your ex will forget you, the answer is no even if he/she wishes he/she could.

 

If you are wondering how to kill the hope you have that he/she will come back to you, assume the worst:

 

-your relationship wasn't as special as you thought it was

 

-your ex most likely has someone new already

 

-your ex is going to go to all the places you went with him/her

 

-your ex is going to have inside jokes with the new person

 

-your ex loves the new person more than he/she did you

 

-the sex is even better with the new person than it was with you

 

(These assumptions may or may not be true, I find it's better just to assume the worst both to kill your lingering hope and to toughen you up for what you may be facing sooner than you think)

Edited November 20, 2013 by JoelBarish

[Minneloa]

17) Repeat again. Give up hope. Practice killing it daily. It will be like the beast in Hotel California. You will stab it with your steely knives, and you will need to kill it again and again and again. Eventually, though, it will actually stay dead. Unlike the beast in Hotel California.

 

This was hilarious and delightful!