Missma Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 I have been in a long distance relationship for 2 years. Were both 24. We used to see each other pretty frequently but it turned to shambles and we're both at a loss about what to do. Let me first start off by saying that I know long distance is not for everyone but it was for us. At one time. He was in college and I was working a lousy job. We wanted to be together and were miserable otherwise. We decided to try it out and if we still felt the same way after whatever period of time, we would close the distance. It was made clear that I would be the one closing it. He was continuing on to a graduate program and landed a fantastic position in a well-known company. I had no problem with this. Our plan was that at the end of the school year, I would come and stay with him in his apartment that he had for a few years now. I would find work and just pay my own bills until I was stable. Then, I'd split rent, food, and gas after working for at least a month or two. I have a hefty school loan I pay every month. About a month before my move date, a friend of mine found him on Tinder. I was skeptical so I approached him. He denied it. We fought. I guess guilt got the best of him so he finally confessed. He has been using it to talk to other women. He told me he mostly just chatted up girls on Skype and text but I'm almost sure he probably met some in person as well. He never admitted this but I'm just going with my gut here. He also admitted to doing drugs and struggling with depression. We broke up. That didn't last for very long. A few months later, he told me he got better. His brother even verified this. He changed and wanted to work things out with me. I accepted. I know how hard long distance is and it was emotionally affecting him. Our compromise was he would no longer hide things, he would have to be exclusively talking to me, and we would put off me coming until trust has been rebuilt through open communication and our dates when we visited. Right before one of our visits, he canceled and broke up with me. He said he was depressed and couldn't handle hurting me anymore. He stopped talking to me. I was shattered. I forgave him and stood by him. Yet, he didn't want me. A few weeks after this, we get back together because he realizes he made a mistake and his depression gets significantly better. I noticed a change so I don't think he lied or exaggerated about this. It's something he struggled with before we even met. Here's the issue, though. When we got back together, not even before we made a visit, he told me that long distance just wasn't for him and I need to come in the next 2 months or else he's going to move on. It'll be over for us for good. He told me that I need to get my own place as he has roommates now and a lease. Like I said, I had no issue coming but I can't afford it and our relationship has been really rocky. On his end. I told him flat out there was no way I could afford that. I'd be more than happy to try a real, honest relationship with him in person if I can stay with him and he can help me make it there. He said he couldn't. Money aside, I don't know if this is something I should be working towards anyway. He says he cares about me. Swears he does. How would I even know?
nomadic_butterfly Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 I have been in a long distance relationship for 2 years. Were both 24. We used to see each other pretty frequently but it turned to shambles and we're both at a loss about what to do. Let me first start off by saying that I know long distance is not for everyone but it was for us. At one time. He was in college and I was working a lousy job. We wanted to be together and were miserable otherwise. We decided to try it out and if we still felt the same way after whatever period of time, we would close the distance. It was made clear that I would be the one closing it. He was continuing on to a graduate program and landed a fantastic position in a well-known company. I had no problem with this. Our plan was that at the end of the school year, I would come and stay with him in his apartment that he had for a few years now. I would find work and just pay my own bills until I was stable. Then, I'd split rent, food, and gas after working for at least a month or two. I have a hefty school loan I pay every month. About a month before my move date, a friend of mine found him on Tinder. I was skeptical so I approached him. He denied it. We fought. I guess guilt got the best of him so he finally confessed. He has been using it to talk to other women. He told me he mostly just chatted up girls on Skype and text but I'm almost sure he probably met some in person as well. He never admitted this but I'm just going with my gut here. He also admitted to doing drugs and struggling with depression. We broke up. That didn't last for very long. A few months later, he told me he got better. His brother even verified this. He changed and wanted to work things out with me. I accepted. I know how hard long distance is and it was emotionally affecting him. Our compromise was he would no longer hide things, he would have to be exclusively talking to me, and we would put off me coming until trust has been rebuilt through open communication and our dates when we visited. Right before one of our visits, he canceled and broke up with me. He said he was depressed and couldn't handle hurting me anymore. He stopped talking to me. I was shattered. I forgave him and stood by him. Yet, he didn't want me. A few weeks after this, we get back together because he realizes he made a mistake and his depression gets significantly better. I noticed a change so I don't think he lied or exaggerated about this. It's something he struggled with before we even met. Here's the issue, though. When we got back together, not even before we made a visit, he told me that long distance just wasn't for him and I need to come in the next 2 months or else he's going to move on. It'll be over for us for good. He told me that I need to get my own place as he has roommates now and a lease. Like I said, I had no issue coming but I can't afford it and our relationship has been really rocky. On his end. I told him flat out there was no way I could afford that. I'd be more than happy to try a real, honest relationship with him in person if I can stay with him and he can help me make it there. He said he couldn't. Money aside, I don't know if this is something I should be working towards anyway. He says he cares about me. Swears he does. How would I even know? You need to move on. Too much going wrong all at once and within a short window of time. I never suggest moving when you are on shaky grounds. Infidelity, drugs, indecisiveness, financial ruin, lies, emotional and mental hardship, ridiculous ultimatums, and God know what else. If it were your sister, how would you advise her? Would you want her to stay? I mean usually when people successfully close the distance things are progressing well. Everything won't ever be perfect but this relationship is way too problematic to put that much into. I wouldn't risk financial ruin for this guy. Love is shown in action; not words. What if you give up everything, move into a new place, can't find a job and then he decides he is done? What does that leave YOU with? Weigh the pros and cons of what you stand to lose.If it is way more than him don't bother. 1
CherryT Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 (edited) I agree with Nomadic_Butterfly. You need to move on. For me, when the trust is broken, there's a slim chance to nil i'd be able to trust that person again. Especially if it was something like he was talking to other girls on a dating app and even meeting up with them. I know depression and how it can be debilitating, however I don't see it as an excuse to stray from a relationship if he truly loved you. I have been in a LDR for a few years and I'm the one closing the distance. The advice I would give myself and to you would be to NEVER move unless you are certain that this is someone you cannot be without. I said it in the beginning of my own relationship that I would not move and give up my life to be with a "boyfriend"... it had to be significant enough for me to take that chance. I have a life, career, a business, property, family etc here. You're asking yourself... how much should you sacrifice, sometimes a big sacrifice pays off and I am willing to make that sacrifice for my F. For me, I would never sacrifice my life, what I worked hard for, my stability for someone who wasn't willing to meet me half way. They may not have to sacrifice the same but at least understand what I'm doing for our relationship and be supportive. I'm moving because we're at a point now where we know we want to spend the rest of our lives together; he is the man I want to marry without a doubt. He's never lied or hidden anything from me and our relationship is so transparent that I have zero worries. He knows I'll be giving up my career here and having to rebuild it where he is. He isn't going to leave me in the dark and give me an ultimatum of "you better come here, but if you do, I can't help you. You're on your own". Your "sacrifice" should be taking seriously by both people. Not just you. This is a step in progression in BOTH of your relationship, not just yours. If you're willing to sacrifice anything, make sure it's for a man that deserves it and that would be there supporting you and loving you. Make sure that it's with someone who knows how difficult the transition will be and is willing to help you, support you through it. Someone who is willing to work just as hard, if not harder, to make the move work. My F knows that I will not likely find a job in the first few months 1) because I am moving countries and need to file papers that take at least 3 months in order for me to work. and 2) having had my own business in the past, finding work may not be as easy. But he is willing to support me every step of the way financially and emotionally, because we're in it together. We could've moved a year ago, or even more than that... but we chose not to because we wanted to be 'ready' for the move. If he can't be patient in working towards a plan that could help you move, he's not the one for you. Don't sacrifice what you've built for someone who breaks up with you because HE can't handle it and lies/hides things from you because HE is struggling with the distance. You are half the relationship and have gone through the exact same things in this relationship as he... but you didn't do what he did. Please don't move. Edited November 20, 2013 by CherryT 2
ThisGal Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 (edited) Geez! This guy is hot and cold, he seems so unpredictable. You can't play with people's emotions like that. He seems to have very little or no regard for your well being or your feelings. He has too much on his plate. I've learned that we cannot change others, they need to be willing to change on their own. He needs to seek counseling for his depression. He also does not respect you. He wants you to take care of yourself financially when you're unable to, yet he expects you to uproot your life while he waits with a glass of lemonade for you to move without him lifting a finger to help. His expectations are unrealistic. He should help you move, let you stay in his apt rent-free until you are able to help chip in financially. Uprooting is no joke. It's difficult. Do not move for anyone who isn't serious about the relationship. The problems you have now in the relationship will not just disappear because you moved, it will follow you there, but it will be worse because you will be all alone with no family, familiarity and friends, and he won't be there to help you and you would have moved for someone undeserving. It's pretty obvious he no longer really wants to be in this relationship. He breaks up with you, wipes out future plans with you, cheats on you, and has the audacity to move roommates in with him, his priorities are not in order. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone like that? Move on. This man is unpredictable and unreliable. He's not someone you should continue to invest in emotionally, financially, or anything! 2 years together but it's time to move forward without him. Save yourself the trouble. Take care! Edited November 20, 2013 by ThisGal 2
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