ex and I are talking again what does it mean? Should I Stay NC or keep up LC?

November 23, 2013

Do you think she will contact me back eventually even though she hasn't picked up yesterday or today? And yes I do feel I need to go into NC because its still messing with my head unfortunately. I want her back, but I also don't want to accept a friendship right now because I am clearly still hurting.

Why is she giving me the cold shoulder after I responded? Don't you think she called because she wanted to talk?

I'm sorry to hear that Trick. Yah, its not worth the pain unless you feel you can handle friendship and contact at some point. I am going to be there right with you, and happy early bday. How old are you turning? Do you want her back?

Thanks for the happy bday, I'll be turning 35. I fully expect her to contact you about her missing your calls with some dumb-ass excuse why she couldn't get back to you.

Think about it. She wishes you a happy birthday, you send multiple messages back to her wanting to talk and get nothing back, and in the process your b-day in ruined.

It hurts right? She baited you, you took it and now are being ignored. The best you can do is vanish, ignore, and get on with your life without her. Let her deal with the decision she made.

It's been about six months for me and I almost immediately went into no contact so maybe I'm further along in the process. As far as responding to her if she sends a b-day message, I won't.

Do I want her back? I did for a few months. Now? Highly unlikely. The passage of time works wonders if you can cut off contact.

Trick

November 23, 2013

Do you want to be the person pining over someone that isn't pining over you?

Personally, I find nothing more undermining to my sense of self than participating in a one sided drama. If I am the only person emotional, upset, or trying to work it out, then I do everything I can to forget about it.

Soon after my breakup up (just on 6 months ago), I was like f*** this 'my reaction to this situation is mine alone, as long as I am digging myself I'll be good'. The more time passes the more I think that dumpees own how they handle these things, regardless of what the dumper says or does.

Succumbing to the hurt by pining, plotting, waiting etc. is nothing short of abandoning your self respect and dignity.

Never let anyone dictate your worth, whether it is the person who left you, the queen, a genius, a billionaire- whomever- f*** them.

I promise you as soon as you realize that you are as good as anyone else, the sooner you will stop this, and the sooner you won't need to question this situation.

November 23, 2013

Calling back three times -- yes, you did something seriously wrong. Once would have been sufficient (though I wouldn't have called her back at all) but three times makes you look spastic and clingy, which you seem to be. You made yourself look like a weakling.

Honestly, if you didn't call her back she wouldn't have cared. As for why she contacted you, it doesn't really matter. No where has she said that she is rethinking the breakup and wants to get back with you. You need to settle the f*ck down. Just because she decided to contact you doesn't mean you need to break NC and start bombarding her with phone calls. What you did wasn't the least bit remotely attractive to her. If anything, it just reinforces that you are still on the hook and she can do whatever she wants because you are sitting around waiting on her.

Yah thats probably all true. But I didn't call three times...I called her back on my birthday and then the next day one time just to see if she wanted to talk. I wouldn't say I blew her up at all.

I guess I'm disappointed she would reach out and then not bother to even call me back after that. I figure she wanted to catch up, but now I'm just left feeling like an idiot. I don't think I overreacted by blowing up her phone. I just overreacted inside because it hurt my feelings she would do that.

November 23, 2013

Do you want to be the person pining over someone that isn't pining over you?

Personally, I find nothing more undermining to my sense of self than participating in a one sided drama. If I am the only person emotional, upset, or trying to work it out, then I do everything I can to forget about it.

Soon after my breakup up (just on 6 months ago), I was like f*** this 'my reaction to this situation is mine alone, as long as I am digging myself I'll be good'. The more time passes the more I think that dumpees own how they handle these things, regardless of what the dumper says or does.

Succumbing to the hurt by pining, plotting, waiting etc. is nothing short of abandoning your self respect and dignity.

Never let anyone dictate your worth, whether it is the person who left you, the queen, a genius, a billionaire- whomever- f*** them.

I promise you as soon as you realize that you are as good as anyone else, the sooner you will stop this, and the sooner you won't need to question this situation.

I agree and I know I am as good as anybody else, but my self esteem has taken a beating a bit. I mean I know that I made some mistakes...nothing huge, but I let her attraction level for me drop by being needy and really not having my life together. I am desperate to work out those issues for myself and for the next woman I choose to have a relationship with.

Of course, I believe that with some of those changes maybe it could work out again a long time in the future, but I am trying to dash those hopes in the current moment.

I guess what was I supposed to do after hearing from her? Just ignore the calls/texts and try avoid overthinking it? I guess I just thought she wanted a conversation since she called and I am now left in the dust a bit. That hurt my feelings and so I have been a bit angry about it.

I have now deleted her off facebook, linkedin, twitter, deleted all the emails, basically everything. I want to actually try and heal now. I do feel sad to have done all that, but I know its the only way because holding on is sucking the life out of me.

November 23, 2013

Yah thats probably all true. But I didn't call three times...I called her back on my birthday and then the next day one time just to see if she wanted to talk. I wouldn't say I blew her up at all.

I guess I'm disappointed she would reach out and then not bother to even call me back after that. I figure she wanted to catch up, but now I'm just left feeling like an idiot. I don't think I overreacted by blowing up her phone. I just overreacted inside because it hurt my feelings she would do that.

Any more than one consecutive call is blowing up. She left a message, you call, you leave a message. That's it. You made a rookie mistake.

November 23, 2013

Ahhh =( yah...I guess so. I just felt since we had been talking more frequently she was opening up the lines of communication even though I'm not ready anyway. The call I made was the next day...so one call on my birthday and then the next day thinking she actually wanted to catch up.

It would have been nice if I had been the one ignoring her instead. Now i'm left feeling a bit down about it.

Was it a really bad mistake? I don't want to be or look needy or clingy.

November 23, 2013

I agree and I know I am as good as anybody else, but my self esteem has taken a beating a bit. I mean I know that I made some mistakes...nothing huge, but I let her attraction level for me drop by being needy and really not having my life together. I am desperate to work out those issues for myself and for the next woman I choose to have a relationship with.

Of course, I believe that with some of those changes maybe it could work out again a long time in the future, but I am trying to dash those hopes in the current moment.

I guess what was I supposed to do after hearing from her? Just ignore the calls/texts and try avoid overthinking it? I guess I just thought she wanted a conversation since she called and I am now left in the dust a bit. That hurt my feelings and so I have been a bit angry about it.

I have now deleted her off facebook, linkedin, twitter, deleted all the emails, basically everything. I want to actually try and heal now. I do feel sad to have done all that, but I know its the only way because holding on is sucking the life out of me.

Nice work doing this. It's tough and its going to be for awhile but it gets better over time. Unless it's some serious **** reaching out to you, just ignore it.

November 23, 2013

It will get easier I promise you. When this is getting you down talk yourself up, paint yourself in the best possible light, it does help. You will notice yourself making the changes you want to make by doing this as well, it is win win.

November 23, 2013

Ahhh =( yah...I guess so. I just felt since we had been talking more frequently she was opening up the lines of communication even though I'm not ready anyway. The call I made was the next day...so one call on my birthday and then the next day thinking she actually wanted to catch up.

It would have been nice if I had been the one ignoring her instead. Now i'm left feeling a bit down about it.

Was it a really bad mistake? I don't want to be or look needy or clingy.

It wasn't a good mistake. First of all, you weren't in any shape to be calling her once. But even that aside, if you did reconcile, you have to act like you are starting a new relationship. Would you really call, leave a message, and then call again the next day with a girl you were trying to date or had just started dating? I think not.

But yeah, you shouldn't have broken NC in the first place. Your phone call fu*k up was a product of you trying to do something that you weren't prepared for. But yeah, you looked clingy as all get out.

November 24, 2013

So should I delete her on facebook? How am I validating her decision by passing on a business opportunity?

Well, I mean I "agree with the breakup." I get why she made her decision, although she should have been more patient. I guess I just want to try and be mature, and I tend to take a lot of the blame on my shoulders, even though I never did anything to make her change her mind. I treated her really well, but I definitely got complacent. She feels that she gave her best and was just exhausted waiting for me to change, but she wanted me to be the one.

I guess I just want her to see the changes I am making and remember me as a selfless kind guy. I was already at 2 months basically NC. she only contacted me once previously to also pass on an opportunity.

But I know, I need to disappear. Its my birthday tomorrow and I guess I was hoping she would contact me, but I know it doesn't matter. I have been wanting to delete her on facebook even though I know it seems a bit immature and won't matter at this point. I just felt the reasons for the breakup are somewhat weak.

How long do I give it, its already been 2 months?

You don't need to delete her from facebook if you appear like you are having a good time and moving on just find without her. But if you are looking at her facebook, being jealous / stalking her, then I would suggest removing her for your own benefit.

Don't look for answers of why she broke up with you - its as simple as this. She lost interest. She lost interest and there isnt anything you can do to bring it back up by sticking around and not being a challenge.

She wanted you to change? Wtf is she doing being with you if she wanted you to be different? That makes no sense. Honestly, make the changes for yourself.

You need to stop blaming yourself and just realize there is no reversing this. I mean if you are sticking around and being available, she won't be intrigued by you because she already has this image in the back of her head about who you are...which ultimately made her end it with you.

November 24, 2013

But my question is, if she didn't want to talk why would she bother calling me? I mean i guess it was my birthday and she was being nice, but she could have just sent me an email or text.

I figure since she called, she was prepared to have a real conversation of some sort.

Maybe she has another guy or maybe she doesnt care? I mean, either way, why call if you aren't going to pick up the phone? Did she expect me not to call back?

November 24, 2013

But my question is, if she didn't want to talk why would she bother calling me? I mean i guess it was my birthday and she was being nice, but she could have just sent me an email or text.

I figure since she called, she was prepared to have a real conversation of some sort.

Maybe she has another guy or maybe she doesnt care? I mean, either way, why call if you aren't going to pick up the phone? Did she expect me not to call back?

You are way overthinking this. I'm guessing she put less thought into calling you than you did writing this post.

November 24, 2013

But my question is, if she didn't want to talk why would she bother calling me? I mean i guess it was my birthday and she was being nice, but she could have just sent me an email or text.

I figure since she called, she was prepared to have a real conversation of some sort.

Maybe she has another guy or maybe she doesnt care? I mean, either way, why call if you aren't going to pick up the phone? Did she expect me not to call back?

Ohh good god. You need to get a grip. I know how tough it is for you but you need to let this go. Suffer, cry ecetera. But dont try to read into nothing. She is not with you. End of story. Youll get thru this but you need to acknowledge reality 1st. Cav

November 24, 2013

But my question is, if she didn't want to talk why would she bother calling me? I mean i guess it was my birthday and she was being nice, but she could have just sent me an email or text.

I figure since she called, she was prepared to have a real conversation of some sort.

Maybe she has another guy or maybe she doesnt care? I mean, either way, why call if you aren't going to pick up the phone? Did she expect me not to call back?

It could be anything. Maybe she thought she was prepared to talk and changed her mind. We will never know. She also may have been planning to talk for 5 minutes for all we know.

November 25, 2013

Yah. I guess you are right.

I think you are right about her have some qualities of narcissism.

But she may not being ready to talk to me. also she is busy...

Her sister called me about a job I got for her and we started talking. She started asking how things are going and I ended up asking her about the phone call that her sister made. My ex had told her she had called and her sister mentioned that my ex is incredibly busy and they haven't heard much from her at all in the past couple weeks either. But I saw on her facebook she was definitely going out etc. before I deleted her. So I guess she is very busy combined with that I am not a high priority any longer. Its just sad to realize I'm no longer a priority for her.

Plus she is now heading back out to California. Her sister also said, it hasn't been a long time since you broke up and that it took her 6 months till she started talking to her ex. She's like, just give it time and be patient. Both your ex and I care for you a lot. She also felt I was making a lot of huge changes for the better. I was trying to gauge if the sister felt we had another chance together but I'm not sure that I learned much. I didn't want to come out and directly ask her.

She also said, its only been a couple days since your birthday, give your ex a few more days.

Either way she may have been busy, but before we broke up she would have made time to talk to me. So I guess thats where I am on the totem pole of importance and that understandable but disappointing.

I guess there is no way to know if my ex and her had spoken about us getting back together but it didn't really seem like it. But they had certainly spoken about me together.

Its true that she was nice enough to wish me a happy bday and she definitely did not have to do that. She definitely does not owe me anything at this point.

I do respect myself while I am around her, but at the moment I'm feeling a bit unworthy. I just overanalyze and second guess myself, and ultimately feel that I need to prove myself to feel like I'm accomplishing enough.

The future me would have said thank you, and moved on. He would not have called back most likely. Future me would not obsess over breadcrumbs and realize that this phone call was her being nice and calling on my birthday. It wasn't anything more. Its obviously too soon to be talking again, and so I guess that future self would realize there is a balance and that I am overanalyzing way too much. I need to give it time.

I guess I'm having feelings of hopelessness and acceptance about where I really am with this girl. Its not something that will happen quickly and it will take a long time frankly, if ever. Now off for the long road of recovery. Maybe sometime down the road things will be different between us...I guess thats what I was hoping.

November 25, 2013

Yah. I guess you are right.

I think you are right about her have some qualities of narcissism.

But she may not being ready to talk to me. also she is busy...

Her sister called me about a job I got for her and we started talking. She started asking how things are going and I ended up asking her about the phone call that her sister made. My ex had told her she had called and her sister mentioned that my ex is incredibly busy and they haven't heard much from her at all in the past couple weeks either. But I saw on her facebook she was definitely going out etc. before I deleted her. So I guess she is very busy combined with that I am not a high priority any longer. Its just sad to realize I'm no longer a priority for her.

Plus she is now heading back out to California. Her sister also said, it hasn't been a long time since you broke up and that it took her 6 months till she started talking to her ex. She's like, just give it time and be patient. Both your ex and I care for you a lot. She also felt I was making a lot of huge changes for the better. I was trying to gauge if the sister felt we had another chance together but I'm not sure that I learned much. I didn't want to come out and directly ask her.

She also said, its only been a couple days since your birthday, give your ex a few more days.

Either way she may have been busy, but before we broke up she would have made time to talk to me. So I guess thats where I am on the totem pole of importance and that understandable but disappointing.

I guess there is no way to know if my ex and her had spoken about us getting back together but it didn't really seem like it. But they had certainly spoken about me together.

Its true that she was nice enough to wish me a happy bday and she definitely did not have to do that. She definitely does not owe me anything at this point.

I do respect myself while I am around her, but at the moment I'm feeling a bit unworthy. I just overanalyze and second guess myself, and ultimately feel that I need to prove myself to feel like I'm accomplishing enough.

The future me would have said thank you, and moved on. He would not have called back most likely. Future me would not obsess over breadcrumbs and realize that this phone call was her being nice and calling on my birthday. It wasn't anything more. Its obviously too soon to be talking again, and so I guess that future self would realize there is a balance and that I am overanalyzing way too much. I need to give it time.

I guess I'm having feelings of hopelessness and acceptance about where I really am with this girl. Its not something that will happen quickly and it will take a long time frankly, if ever. Now off for the long road of recovery. Maybe sometime down the road things will be different between us...I guess thats what I was hoping.

Bad conversation to have. Never talk to the ex's family about the ex. And yes, you are overanalyzing to an extreme amount.

November 25, 2013

Simon, why do you say that its bad to talk to the ex's family about the ex? I mean in general I think its a bad plan, but why do you think it was bad in this instance? I used to live with the sister as a roomate and we have been friends through these things.

November 25, 2013

Simon, why do you say that its bad to talk to the ex's family about the ex? I mean in general I think its a bad plan, but why do you think it was bad in this instance? I used to live with the sister as a roomate and we have been friends through these things.

Because it's putting them in the middle of your drama and because your ex will think that you are meddling and trying to use your relationship with her sister to manipulate her into giving you another chance. Neither one of those are good.

I mean, I can relate. My ex is the sister-in-law of my best friend. I talked to him about it (I've known him much longer than he's known his wife or his sister-in-law) but I did not talk to my ex's sister (who I've known for far more time than I've known my ex) about it at all. When I did talk to my friend, I did it making two things clear a) I did not want him talking to her on my behalf or acting as a go-between and b) that I didn't want him reporting her activities to me. Occasionally he'd slip up and tell me certain things, but for the most part it worked out as well as it could have.

And my ex barely talked to my friend about it, she stuck with her sister as her confidant. I respected her relationship with her sister and my ex respected my relationship with my best friend. And I'm happy as hell I played it that way -- my relationships with both my friend and my ex's sister are stronger now than they were before. I know for a fact that my ex's sister respected the way I handled myself.

November 25, 2013

Because it's putting them in the middle of your drama and because your ex will think that you are meddling and trying to use your relationship with her sister to manipulate her into giving you another chance. Neither one of those are good.

I mean, I can relate. My ex is the sister-in-law of my best friend. I talked to him about it (I've known him much longer than he's known his wife or his sister-in-law) but I did not talk to my ex's sister (who I've known for far more time than I've known my ex) about it at all. When I did talk to my friend, I did it making two things clear a) I did not want him talking to her on my behalf or acting as a go-between and b) that I didn't want him reporting her activities to me. Occasionally he'd slip up and tell me certain things, but for the most part it worked out as well as it could have.

And my ex barely talked to my friend about it, she stuck with her sister as her confidant. I respected her relationship with her sister and my ex respected my relationship with my best friend. And I'm happy as hell I played it that way -- my relationships with both my friend and my ex's sister are stronger now than they were before. I know for a fact that my ex's sister respected the way I handled myself.

I told the sister to not tell my ex we had even spoke and that I can't really be friends with her either just because I am tempted to talk about my ex with her. Her sister is going through tough times and I don't want to seem insensitive to her struggles and agreed, I don't want it to seem like the sister is meddling in our affairs. That already happened before.

The problem is we dont' have any other mutual friends to talk to about it, the sister is the only one who really knows both of us.

Do you think I caused a lot of damage talking to her?

Thank you so much Simon, your advice has been really helpful. I'm going through a really tough time dealing with all this. It was a really long relationship, and its just been a consistent let down seeing where i've fallen on the totem pole.

May I ask, do you think I have another shot with this woman or is it too far past the point? How long do I go no contact before reaching out? Or do I let her come to me at this point? We've been off and on a few times, but we end up getting back together. However, she is usually the one doing the breaking up.

I guess its normal for exes to not be talking after a breakup for awhile, but its tough because we had such a long friendship before hand.

Thank you so much for reading all this. Thanks everybody for the advice and words.

November 25, 2013

It is super dumb to talk to the exs family. Doesnt matter if you were best buds. Also you should not even be thinking of reaching out to her again ever. You really need to make some tough decisions or this is going to take forever to get over this. You will find your self in the pits of hell.

Go NC, cut everyone out that has anything to do with her. Disappear like a ninja. This is the only way. Or find out the very hard way. Well that is my 2 cents. You really need to take this seriousy or your going to be in a wourld of hurt for a long time..Im not kidding. Time to get your sh*t together. Cav

November 25, 2013

It is super dumb to talk to the exs family. Doesnt matter if you were best buds. Also you should not even be thinking of reaching out to her again ever. You really need to make some tough decisions or this is going to take forever to get over this. You will find your self in the pits of hell.

Go NC, cut everyone out that has anything to do with her. Disappear like a ninja. This is the only way. Or find out the very hard way. Well that is my 2 cents. You really need to take this seriousy or your going to be in a wourld of hurt for a long time..Im not kidding. Time to get your sh*t together. Cav

I don't know if you need to completely cut them off in all situations. There was no way I was going to cut off my best friend because things with his sister-in-law didn't work out. But yeah, this dude really needs to get out of his own way badly.

November 25, 2013

I don't know if you need to completely cut them off in all situations. There was no way I was going to cut off my best friend because things with his sister-in-law didn't work out. But yeah, this dude really needs to get out of his own way badly.

haha agreed. But this isnt his best friend, it is her sister. He need to go into hiding for 6 months to a year and then reappear a changed man. He reminds me of some of the tougher cases ive seen here. He'll go NC eventually. They all do. Cav

November 25, 2013

haha agreed. But this isnt his best friend, it is her sister. He need to go into hiding for 6 months to a year and then reappear a changed man. He reminds me of some of the tougher cases ive seen here. He'll go NC eventually. They all do. Cav

Why is it super dumb? because it delays my healing basically?

Well the sister and I were really good friends were in a band together and lived together for a long time. So I guess its been tough giving up that as well.

I was no contact for 2 months is the thing...it was hard but I was able to do it. Last time we broke up about a year ago I also went no contact for about 4 months and then we started talking again and got back together 2 months after that.

So when you say that I need to go into hiding for 6 months to a year and then reappear a changed man, do you mean thats what I need to win her back? Is that what I need to heal myself? The are the same thing aren't they in some ways?

I'm back to NC already. I was upset about the stupid call on my birthday and then the sister called me to talk about a job that I had gotten her previously. There isn't anything else for my ex and I to talk about at this point.

And ultimately I want her back but I understand that it is going to take my making some major changes and going NC. The thing is that the last time we got back together I started to gradually come back into her life after making some big changes and then eventually it started to work out again. So I guess I was trying the same strategy in some way.

One other thing, you say I need to get out of my own way, but I haven't been doing anything too out of the ordinary except the past two days I returned my ex's call and talked to the sister. I am in my own head, but my actions are not as desperate as I think people are making them out to be here.

I guess I want a plan to move forward but I am now in a lot of pain again, and I'm struggling to go back to where I was before she called on my bday. Holidays are a tough time I think...

If I got out of my own way would I have a chance to make this relationship work?

November 25, 2013

haha agreed. But this isnt his best friend, it is her sister. He need to go into hiding for 6 months to a year and then reappear a changed man. He reminds me of some of the tougher cases ive seen here. He'll go NC eventually. They all do. Cav

How do I remind you of some of the tougher cases?

November 25, 2013

This girl has dumped you twice. Why the hell would you go for the hat trick? I mean, you weren't able to hold it together twice, I'm guessing a third chance (if you somehow got one, which I don't see right now) would end like the first two. Why not take some time off and figure out why you want to keep resuscitating a relationship that's already died multiple times?

And you are definitely in your own way. You've made some awful, awful rookie manuevers (calling multiple times, involving her family members). Look at how much you are typing and look at how you are acting and what you are doing. You need to go back to NC badly.

Edited November 25, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

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ex and I are talking again what does it mean? Should I Stay NC or keep up LC?

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