is this his personality, or the brain damage?

[moodswingz]

I recently broke up with a guy I was dating for about a year. The backstory is that we worked together for years and I never paid much attention to him because I thought he was weird. He's very physically attractive, and super smart, but always seemed kind of "off" - socially awkward or something. Didn't come across as having any personality, shows no emotion, drones on in a monotone, very "flat". Pretty much everyone else we worked with said the same thing. People actually used to make fun of him behind his back and say he was retarded (yes, these people were a**holes) due to a traumatic brain injury that happened years ago - he was in a car accident and had a lot of issues with that. He's "normal" now, though.

 

I started getting to know him and he was actually a really nice guy, something still seemed off but he is a fully functioning individual and so smart, I started thinking maybe this "weirdness" was just his personality. I mean, I'm an introvert also, and I have walls that people have to break through. So we started dating.

 

He was nice and could be very sweet but something just never felt right with him. I thought about breaking it off but he seemed so nice, stable, and calm. My last boyfriend before him was full of passion and emotion and liked to talk about things a lot - basically the exact opposite of this guy - so I just chalked it up to maybe needing to adjust to his personality. The thing is though that I've dated calm, stable introverts before and never had this feeling about them. Something was just OFF - like an emotional disconnect there. Not between us specifically but with him. Everyone who knows him socially notices the same thing.

 

He told me before that he had opened up to me more than anyone else he had ever dated, and when he told me that, I was just floored. I mean the man barely displays any emotion, doesn't get excited about anything, barely shares anything about himself... that's opening up?

 

Recently I've kind of been going through a depression and I started to withdraw from him. Frankly, being with someone with no personality and who isn't engaging at all and just kind of sits there taking up space - I preferred to be alone. We started talking about it and he made a comment that I didn't ever open up to him, I just withdrew, blah blah.... so I started to tell him some things that most people don't know. I even called him up sobbing one night because I hit a low point and felt very alone - I felt very alone the entire time we were dating because of his personality.

 

His responses were just cold and unemotional, he shut down and basically told me that he knew I'd been having a hard time lately and that I should probably see somebody about that. He said some other things I don't remember but his entire response was just flat and unemotional, like he didn't care at all. I tried to explain to him what I need out of a relationship and admitted some things I hate admitting, and he just flat out did not respond. That was over text. Our in person conversations were even worse because he had this blank stare on his face and kept staring at the TV or looking away. I didn't know whether to be angry or freaked out honestly. It was weird.

 

If I hadn't seen his nice side I would think this guy is just a jerk. I truly do not know if this is just his personality or if it could be related to brain damage from the head injury. I've read that people with TBI can either go to the extreme of angry outbursts and too much emotion, or the other extreme, which is "flat affect" - which describes him to a T.

 

It doesn't matter at this point because things never felt right with him and I'm done trying to convince myself to look past it. But the way things ended were just bizarre. It's like he cannot handle people's emotions, including his own. He was nice and sweet when things were fine but it was also always kind of like he was going through the motions... if that makes any sense. He just seems very dead inside and always has. In fact I don't even feel that upset about this because this whole recent episode makes me think that I was right all along. Like he is actually dead inside and that's what my instincts were telling me. Still, what the hell? I mean is this a normal response from a man?

[Ninjainpajamas]

is this his/her personality, or the brain damage?

 

You know....I ask myself the same thing everyday...on Loveshack and in real life...

 

Sadly, I think this is how people are "without brain damage".

 

And really? who gives a *****!!

 

Why do you care which diagnosis indicates why he acts like this way? like does it really make a difference!

 

Are you neurologist or a psychologist? does it make some inherit difference if this guy is in control/aware of his behavior or not....oh wait, I know why it matters...you're one of those that thinks you can "fix people" right?

 

You've got the magic special touch like a care-bear (sorry, 80's kid) that will make this insensitive unavailable man into this warm fuzzy loving creature? is that what is going on here?

 

Or are you just puzzled and confused on what to do next? Are you trying to like reason with yourself because he's good looking super smart that maybe you could look past his Spock like behavior (btw there's a whole flock of them in Europe just like this in case you want another one) who don't show any expression or react emotionally to anything you say?

 

And what the hell do you mean "is this normal behavior"? would you stand behind a horse and let it kick you in the face then turn around say "Is this how you ride a horse?" Of course not! that's not how you ride a damn horse, every body knows this!

 

Look, you can't fix it or change it...but then again never stopped anyone! that's his own issues to resolve, if it's brain damage sadly that is the way he's going to be and is beyond his control...otherwise who knows, chances are if he's had any damage/trauma to the head it tends to screw with you...even football players have been diagnosed with depression and other serious mental health issues because of head-to-head helmet contact over the years which they believe damages parts of the brain obviously as well as concussions...so neurologically there is a lot that can happen the brain, after all that's where these things come from, behavior, thoughts and everything else...not some magical part like a "soul", it's all from your brain, without your brain you're just dead.

 

You should always look at the men you date in terms like this "can I be happy with the way this person is and treats me now?" that's all you have to do, and that's all there is to it, a lot of women go through gain pains and lengths trying to change men or figure them out...you can't do it, you're a woman you think nothing like a man to begin with, and if he does have any psychologically issues or brain damage you wouldn't know how to fix it anyway...I think you're getting the unavailable-non-emotional clingy thing going on here but I'm not sure if that's even it here, everybody thinks he's weird, and now you know he really is...these kind of guys you're programmed to go after like most women are usually not that way with everyone but this guy sounds like he is.

[moodswingz]

Uhhh because I'm processing the whole situation in my head, like most people do after breakups? Because I don't just bail on relationships without trying? I'm in my 30s and have learned by now that you can't just hop from relationship to relationship expecting things to be perfect all the time or never having any issues or conflicts.

 

There is a difference between something being part of someone's personality (and thus open to normal relationship discussion as far as "Your default is this but I need this other thing, so can we find a happy medium?") and someone just being emotionally retarded due to brain damage. The first I can work with, and so can they - if they give a d*mn.

[LivingDeadGrl]

It sounds to me like this is definitely from his TBI.

 

My ex (father of my daughter) recently had an incident that caused him to have a TBI. He was in a coma for 2 days and when he woke up he did not remember most of the last 3-6 years of his life. He is still in recovery and we are hoping he will remember more but as of right now he does not even remember me or our 8 year old daughter. It has been very upsetting for us and his family, but we are just so happy he is alive.

I have been doing a lot of research on TBI's and trying to understand them and the recovery process. It sounds to me like your bf has recovered to the best of his brains ability. He may have lost the ability to use his emotions like a normal person, he may not even be able to comprehend such things. If you care enough, you should look into the loss of the cognitive parts of your brain due to TBI. Sounds like this is what he is missing.

I understand your frustration with the relationship and good on you for trying to make it work. Maybe he can find someone who is just as disengaged as he, or he may end up alone. Either way he probably doesn't care much, or know how to.

Good luck with everything!

Edited November 20, 2013 by LivingDeadGrl

[carhill]

I don't even feel that upset about this because this whole recent episode makes me think that I was right all along. Like he is actually dead inside and that's what my instincts were telling me. Still, what the hell? I mean is this a normal response from a man?

 

From some men, yep, normal. Hard to know what 'normal' is for this man, though intimates from before his TBI, and/or brain specialists, might have further insight.

 

It appears that you need, even in light of this man's positive traits, more emotional engagement from an intimate, so this guy is incompatible. Perhaps that's one way of looking at the breakup. Two good people who weren't a compatible fit.

[moodswingz]

Thanks. It's just frustrating because there were times that it felt like he was able to connect... like the way he would look at me or brush my hair out of my face and stupid things like that... he was affectionate and could be thoughtful... but other times he seemed so "off" and disconnected. If he was 100% a robot I would maybe understand it more.