This is going to Shock Some of You

[wwobuk]

I have posted my story before but am now ready to tell the whole story. Please forgive me for writing it in a third person manner. I have also posted on my blog and had to be careful in the way I word things due to legal advice.

 

So I am going to tell you a story. It is a long overdue story but it is one I must tell. You may hear other stories but at last I can tell you one that I have kept to myself for a while. I want to tell you this story as once it is told, it can be forgotten about.

There was a couple. They met a few years ago and instantly fell in love. Their relationship was the most perfect, romantic relationship you could ever hope for. They had kids together and eventually got married. Years past and that spark that bought them both together was still burning strong. They would tell each other how much they loved them. They would make plans for when they were old and grey. They would talk about how many more kids they wanted. They would share their dreams and passions. It was the strongest relationship you could ever know and there were only two or three arguments in their time together. Nothing serious. The thought of an argument upset them both and the companionship, love and affection that they both shared meant so much more to them.

There was always someone home for the kids. The wife would work while the husband bought them up. Sometimes the husband would work while the wife took over. The family was strong, happy and secure in the fact that their world had no issues.

The wife eventually got a new job. This job meant she would be travelling around. A few months earlier the whole family put a GPS tracking system on their phones. Now the parents could know where the kids were and visa versa, the couple could meet up with each other and everyone had the security of knowing everyone else in the family was safe. The good thing about the new job was the GPS tracker could also be used for plotting mileage so filling in a tax return for fuel expenses was so easy. The wife was over the moon at how easy this would be and was also appreciative as to how her husband could know where she was if ever she got into trouble as her job did have a risk attached to it as she was a debt collector.

After a few months she formed new friends in her office. The job was perfect for her and her social life was lifted by having new people to talk to. They would text on their phones for hours in a group they created. The husband joined in with the banter and everybody was happy.

Things started to go weird though. The wife would start to come home late from work. The husband would get worried and on one occassion realised that his wife had been down a street for over an hour doing nothing. Was she all right? He was very fretful and called her up. She did not answer the phone. What was wrong?

She eventually came home and the husband asked why she was away for so long. She replied that her friends think having a GPS tracker on the phone is controlling, the husband shouldn't be checking up on her and promptly removed the tracker from her phone. The husband wondered why she had a change of heart as it was a family idea to have it installed on all phones. Nevertheless as long as she was safe he was happy he was happy. He didn't like the idea that if she was in trouble he wouldn't be able to find her and her mysterious liaisons down some streets for hours at a time were never explained.

The banter on the phone became more and more. The husband began to feel pushed out. He was no longer welcome in the conversations. In fact, the phone now had a password lock on it and all conversations between her and her friends were secret. After spending six years together the wife had suddenly become very private.

Eventually it all came to a head when the husband wanted to know if something was going on. The wife told him that she had fallen out of love with him. The husband was devastated as he thought he had the perfect marriage. He asked her if there was someone else as all her actions made it look like she was having an affair. He did know about an encounter she had had with one of her friends who was considerably older then her and married in the back of his van. The husband even encouraged it as he knew it would go no further and thought it was harmless flirting. She told him that they needed to work on their relationship but she must sleep with this friend in order to close the book on all her flirting as she did not want to be known as a tease. The husband really wished he had never encouraged what he thought would never happen.

The husband had no choice but to agree as he would do anything to save his marriage and keep his family together. To this day he doesn't know what happened. They reconciled and everything was okay for a few more months. The husband had changed though. The thought of him and her together made him sick. He got really clingy and constantly asked her if she was really in love with him. She would still come home from work late and would now take her phone into the bathroom to text or talk. The husband once waited outside the bathroom knowing what she was up to. She took great offence to this and said he was being too clingy. He backed off and lived on in pain at the rejection that was happening in his relationship.

The wife would now go out at a moments notice. She was always with her friends and didn't have any time for her husband. She would always listen and take the opinions of her friends over her husband. They would poison her mind to things that were just not there. Even when it was her husbands birthday, she did nothing. She constantly reassured him though that she was in love with him and everything was perfect. They even started trying for a new child. Was it all in the husbands head? Who knows? No one tries for a baby when they are not in love and the husband always asked her to tell the truth, even if it meant hurting him. Their sex life was still healthy.

Finally, one day, she dropped everything again to go and be with her friend. The husband objected and the wife decided she had enough of the controlling and clingyness and left taking the kids with her.

Two weeks after she left she openly announced that she was seeing someone from her work. The considerably older gentleman who is married and who she had the encounter with in the back of his van all those months previous.

Everything dropped into place for the husband. This had been going on for months and now all the secret texts, late nights home, deleted texts were all explained. She denied it furiously but the husband knew the truth. He asked her if she felt that way, why lie about being in love and trying for a baby. Her reply was that she felt pressured to lie. Later she would tell him that someone advised her to lie. She pushed all the guilt to her husband. The reason everything fell apart was because of his controlling and clingyness. The wife would never comprehend that he was behaving that way because of her infidelity that he suspected for a long time. She even tried to convince him that she had fallen out of love with him a few years previous. Even though her messages, pictures, texts and empathy told a different story. She was in love and it all changed when she started her new job.

She would later start using the kids against her husband. Knowing that he was devastated at what had happened. Knowing that the only way to hurt him would be though the children, she started saying he couldn't see them. This changed very quickly but the threat was always hovering above any conversation he would have with her. He was forced to seek help from a solicitor as he could not go on with constantly being hurt by his wife's threats. He loved his kids and had never spent a day away from them. Through all this though, even though there is no chance the wife would ever get back with the husband, he still loved her dearly. The scary thing is, that if she ever did say she made the biggest mistake of her life, he would probably take her back.....

The husband guesses she must be happy now. Happy with her new life with a married man who is double her age. He hopes it won't corrupt his children when they are with her but he knows that everyone must now live their own lives.

So, that is the end of my story. It is like a Shakespearean tragedy. Two lovers who had the perfect life all thrown away.

[tiredofitall2]

I have posted my story before but am now ready to tell the whole story. Please forgive me for writing it in a third person manner. I have also posted on my blog and had to be careful in the way I word things due to legal advice.

 

So I am going to tell you a story. It is a long overdue story but it is one I must tell. You may hear other stories but at last I can tell you one that I have kept to myself for a while. I want to tell you this story as once it is told, it can be forgotten about.

There was a couple. They met a few years ago and instantly fell in love. Their relationship was the most perfect, romantic relationship you could ever hope for. They had kids together and eventually got married. Years past and that spark that bought them both together was still burning strong. They would tell each other how much they loved them. They would make plans for when they were old and grey. They would talk about how many more kids they wanted. They would share their dreams and passions. It was the strongest relationship you could ever know and there were only two or three arguments in their time together. Nothing serious. The thought of an argument upset them both and the companionship, love and affection that they both shared meant so much more to them.

There was always someone home for the kids. The wife would work while the husband bought them up. Sometimes the husband would work while the wife took over. The family was strong, happy and secure in the fact that their world had no issues.

The wife eventually got a new job. This job meant she would be travelling around. A few months earlier the whole family put a GPS tracking system on their phones. Now the parents could know where the kids were and visa versa, the couple could meet up with each other and everyone had the security of knowing everyone else in the family was safe. The good thing about the new job was the GPS tracker could also be used for plotting mileage so filling in a tax return for fuel expenses was so easy. The wife was over the moon at how easy this would be and was also appreciative as to how her husband could know where she was if ever she got into trouble as her job did have a risk attached to it as she was a debt collector.

After a few months she formed new friends in her office. The job was perfect for her and her social life was lifted by having new people to talk to. They would text on their phones for hours in a group they created. The husband joined in with the banter and everybody was happy.

Things started to go weird though. The wife would start to come home late from work. The husband would get worried and on one occassion realised that his wife had been down a street for over an hour doing nothing. Was she all right? He was very fretful and called her up. She did not answer the phone. What was wrong?

She eventually came home and the husband asked why she was away for so long. She replied that her friends think having a GPS tracker on the phone is controlling, the husband shouldn't be checking up on her and promptly removed the tracker from her phone. The husband wondered why she had a change of heart as it was a family idea to have it installed on all phones. Nevertheless as long as she was safe he was happy he was happy. He didn't like the idea that if she was in trouble he wouldn't be able to find her and her mysterious liaisons down some streets for hours at a time were never explained.

The banter on the phone became more and more. The husband began to feel pushed out. He was no longer welcome in the conversations. In fact, the phone now had a password lock on it and all conversations between her and her friends were secret. After spending six years together the wife had suddenly become very private.

Eventually it all came to a head when the husband wanted to know if something was going on. The wife told him that she had fallen out of love with him. The husband was devastated as he thought he had the perfect marriage. He asked her if there was someone else as all her actions made it look like she was having an affair. He did know about an encounter she had had with one of her friends who was considerably older then her and married in the back of his van. The husband even encouraged it as he knew it would go no further and thought it was harmless flirting. She told him that they needed to work on their relationship but she must sleep with this friend in order to close the book on all her flirting as she did not want to be known as a tease. The husband really wished he had never encouraged what he thought would never happen.

The husband had no choice but to agree as he would do anything to save his marriage and keep his family together. To this day he doesn't know what happened. They reconciled and everything was okay for a few more months. The husband had changed though. The thought of him and her together made him sick. He got really clingy and constantly asked her if she was really in love with him. She would still come home from work late and would now take her phone into the bathroom to text or talk. The husband once waited outside the bathroom knowing what she was up to. She took great offence to this and said he was being too clingy. He backed off and lived on in pain at the rejection that was happening in his relationship.

The wife would now go out at a moments notice. She was always with her friends and didn't have any time for her husband. She would always listen and take the opinions of her friends over her husband. They would poison her mind to things that were just not there. Even when it was her husbands birthday, she did nothing. She constantly reassured him though that she was in love with him and everything was perfect. They even started trying for a new child. Was it all in the husbands head? Who knows? No one tries for a baby when they are not in love and the husband always asked her to tell the truth, even if it meant hurting him. Their sex life was still healthy.

Finally, one day, she dropped everything again to go and be with her friend. The husband objected and the wife decided she had enough of the controlling and clingyness and left taking the kids with her.

Two weeks after she left she openly announced that she was seeing someone from her work. The considerably older gentleman who is married and who she had the encounter with in the back of his van all those months previous.

Everything dropped into place for the husband. This had been going on for months and now all the secret texts, late nights home, deleted texts were all explained. She denied it furiously but the husband knew the truth. He asked her if she felt that way, why lie about being in love and trying for a baby. Her reply was that she felt pressured to lie. Later she would tell him that someone advised her to lie. She pushed all the guilt to her husband. The reason everything fell apart was because of his controlling and clingyness. The wife would never comprehend that he was behaving that way because of her infidelity that he suspected for a long time. She even tried to convince him that she had fallen out of love with him a few years previous. Even though her messages, pictures, texts and empathy told a different story. She was in love and it all changed when she started her new job.

She would later start using the kids against her husband. Knowing that he was devastated at what had happened. Knowing that the only way to hurt him would be though the children, she started saying he couldn't see them. This changed very quickly but the threat was always hovering above any conversation he would have with her. He was forced to seek help from a solicitor as he could not go on with constantly being hurt by his wife's threats. He loved his kids and had never spent a day away from them. Through all this though, even though there is no chance the wife would ever get back with the husband, he still loved her dearly. The scary thing is, that if she ever did say she made the biggest mistake of her life, he would probably take her back.....

The husband guesses she must be happy now. Happy with her new life with a married man who is double her age. He hopes it won't corrupt his children when they are with her but he knows that everyone must now live their own lives.

So, that is the end of my story. It is like a Shakespearean tragedy. Two lovers who had the perfect life all thrown away.

 

Sorry to hear your story man.. It is so sad and tough.

 

Why didn't you expose the affair to his W? Also it should have been done at work. Affairs feed on secrecy and the excitement of the forbidden. Why did you allow her to have her little fling in his van?

 

This liberal modern way of thinking and not taking a stance is what sounds like messed up the marriage I hate to say.

 

Women will lose respect for a man that does not demands respect. Even if she is sorry for what she did, she will never come back to you as she lost respect for you.

 

Stay strong, learn from your mistakes. But know above all it is not your fault she cheated, you just did not react perhaps the right way. Being understanding and passive only makes things worse.

 

Although I was the jerk that cheated originally I asked for forgiveness. My wife went out and had a revenge affair. Once i found out I kicked her a**s to the curve. Why? Not because she did as I did, but because I warned her that if I found out she was still talking to the OM I would D her. She still went for it after I found out about the original encounter. I asked for forgiveness. She I guess never gave it. She still has not asked me for forgiveness. But it has only been a couple months. I will forgive her, but not take her back. I dislike people that seek revenge!

 

Sorry about your sitch man!

[wwobuk]

Why didn't you expose the affair to his W? Also it should have been done at work. Affairs feed on secrecy and the excitement of the forbidden. Why did you allow her to have her little fling in his van?

 

At the time I did not know about the affair. The guy had left his wife by the time I found out. Not sure if she knows or not. Who knows what stories he has told her. Her work know all about it. I had a meeting with her boss and company auditor who feel physically sick by it all. She is 26 he is 51. The fling in the van. I put my hands up. Looking back it was a crazy thing to accept but I guess I would have done anything back then to keep the marriage going. I refused to believe she would ever do something like this considering how much in love we were. To be honest the cheating doesn't bother me any more. It's the lying I can't deal with.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Wait... you encouraged your wife to flirt with a man in the back of a van?

 

What is your reasoning for this?

[wwobuk]

Wait... you encouraged your wife to flirt with a man in the back of a van?

 

What is your reasoning for this?

 

I didn't consider him a threat. I didn't think anything would come of it and I know that harmless flirting is a big ego boost. Obviously my idea of flirting and her idea of flirting are very far apart....

[atreides]

I didn't consider him a threat. I didn't think anything would come of it and I know that harmless flirting is a big ego boost. Obviously my idea of flirting and her idea of flirting are very far apart....

 

That may be your answer, it is what it is.... but I cannot relate to your reasoning. why not be the one to boost her ego and in the back of a van? i mean 2+2 still equals 4. Well it is past.. I hope you are doing better today?

[Mr. Lucky]

She told him that they needed to work on their relationship but she must sleep with this friend in order to close the book on all her flirting as she did not want to be known as a tease. The husband really wished he had never encouraged what he thought would never happen.

The husband had no choice but to agree as he would do anything to save his marriage and keep his family together.

Don't understand this at all. She'd rather be known as a cheat than a flirt? And she coerced you into agreeing with this as a step towards saving your marriage ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Spectre]

It's unfortunate that most of us here were probably not all that shocked by this story.

[CarrieT]

She is 26.

She has half-baked brain syndrome. Read about it here.

 

It's unfortunate that most of us here were probably not all that shocked by this story.

Why does this surprise you? There is nothing shocking about your story...

 

In short, those of us that have been around here for a while -- and who experienced similar occurrences can attest that there is much to be said for not getting married until one has gotten through their 20s.

 

I was one who got married at 20 and was divorced by 25. It was shocking how different I was by the age of 30.

 

Your wife (or, should I say ExWife?) is just now coming into her own as far as who she is going to become as an adult.

 

There is nothing shocking about your story because it happens over-and-over with couples who are your age.

[Spectre]

This isn't my story and it doesn't surprise me, but I only commented because he wrote "this is going to shock you" in the title. This doesn't shock me, no matter how old the couple is.

[beach]

It isn't shocking at all. Stick around... You'll find it's rather common amongst those who cheat/been cheated on.

 

Be grateful you learned at a young age that your spouse lacks characters/morals and integrity.

 

It could be worse - you could've been duped father being with her 20+ years.

 

Get busy living and moving forward.

[Lokie]

wwobuk, sorry this has happened to you. Betrayal is probably the most difficult experience to heal from.

 

I must say, however, that no life is perfect. The faster you really get that, the better you will feel, IMO. You write the story as if you are the only two who have ever experienced deep love and connection "It was the strongest relationship you could ever know." This is troublesome thinking - and it will keep you trapped in self-pity because you think you are unique. The good news and the bad news are that you are not unique.

 

Hearts are broken everyday. Most people will experience betrayal, abandonment, and rejection in their lives. These experiences are what shape you as a person and what can make you more empathetic to others, since you have a shared experience. You have a decision to make. Are you going to let this painful experience shape you into someone filled with self-pity, denial and bitterness? Or are you going to use this as an opportunity to grow and become a more caring and loving individual?

 

My heart goes out to you, really.

[tiredofitall2]

This isn't my story and it doesn't surprise me, but I only commented because he wrote "this is going to shock you" in the title. This doesn't shock me, no matter how old the couple is.

 

What shocks me is the fact that he allowed the van incident. Also the passiveness. We are way to forgiving and to "modern" in accepting shi**y behavior and then we reap the consequences, yet we ask why it happened.

 

Well because we were weak and tolerant......BS

[aliveagain]

What I don't understand is why aren't you divorced already? This is your dream girl, a woman that will bang a guy older than her father in the back of a van? Get yourself a date and have a great life, this is not the one.

[Chi townD]

Find out who the OM's wife is. You're telling us that he left her? And who told you that? Your wife? Don't believe a word that she says...find out who the OMW is and make contact with her.

 

You went to her work and exposed the affair there. What did they say that they would do about this. Is this guy her superior? If so, then you may have grounds to pursue restitution. Talk to a lawyer, see if you have a case.

[jnel921]

This is not a shocking story.

 

Most of us here have been there and done that.

 

After reading through what you wrote, I see that your first dumb mistake was to allow your W to screw another man to get it out of her system. it's disgusting that her excuse was that she didn't want to look like a tease to this OM. Seriously? A remark like that deserves immediate packed bags in my household. So her answer to you and this OM is okay let me show you what a cheat I can be! Because you say you "love" her you are willing to allow this! Unless this comes with a payment of $1,000,000. at the end of the transaction...what was the real purpose? What did you expect to happen in your marriage?

 

You should have put your foot down at that moment and told her she needed to make a choice. If she loved you and her family the result may have been different.

 

The way we respond to things is very important. The minute you allow bad things to happen without consequence the worse it gets.

 

You need to get IC and build up your self esteem. If she ever wants to come back, which may be a real possibility. The grass is never greener on the other side. You may want to close that book for good. The woman obviously lost respect for you after that point and took advantage. You deserve better.

[JamesM]

Over 70o reads of this thread and only 18 (now 19) comments.

 

It was an interesting read and it was not a surprise sadly.

 

I could comment on what you did wrong and what may have prevented it, but that will do nothing. I suspect you have analyzed it to death already.

 

One comment...encouraging her to cheat probably only made her think you didn't care that much about her.

 

Second thought....karma is a bitch. My guess is that this guy will experience what you did when she cheats on him. The age difference now is big but as he gets older, it will get really big. She will find another man. And she may even look back and wish she had you again. You may find in the near future that she is on your doorstep asking for forgiveness.

 

I am sorry for the pain. This hurts me even as I read it. It is easy to imagine me as the husband, and it makes it painful to read.

 

Best of luck. Hopefully you will get some help here.

[Spectre]

I know that harmless flirting is a big ego boost..

 

Eh, for me I would wonder how harmless it is. I think at the end of the day if my girlfriend feels she needs to flirt with other guys in order to boost her ego then that is a big problem. It is one thing if maybe she simply wants other men to view her as attractive, but there is a big difference between that and flirting. Especially since for me personally I always make sure to tell girls I am with how beautiful they are, etc. and I do this often. So they shouldn't need to get that from other guys too.

 

So I would be asking what is wrong with her if she requires that much attention from other guys.

 

I just can't understand how if someone is in a relationship that they would also need to flirt with other people, it would make me wonder what is so wrong with our relationship that she feels the need to do that.

Edited November 20, 2013 by Spectre

[karnak]

At the time I did not know about the affair. The guy had left his wife by the time I found out. Not sure if she knows or not. Who knows what stories he has told her. Her work know all about it. I had a meeting with her boss and company auditor who feel physically sick by it all. She is 26 he is 51. The fling in the van. I put my hands up. Looking back it was a crazy thing to accept but I guess I would have done anything back then to keep the marriage going. I refused to believe she would ever do something like this considering how much in love we were. To be honest the cheating doesn't bother me any more. It's the lying I can't deal with.

 

Man, sorry to say, but... grow some balls.

It's got nothing to do with you or her young age.

 

We get women and men over 40 cheating on their husbands/wives of 20+ years of marriage all the time here.

As some people have stated above she's still very young and when she married she wasn't even sure of who she was or what she wanted. Some (most ?) people are not marriage material. She'll cheat on this guy some years ahead, no doubt about.

 

SOME PEOPLE CAN'T BE MONOGAMOUS FOR A LONG TIME. AND NEVER WILL!

Your wife is one of these people. Good riddance to her. Concentrate on your daughter now.