Sudden shake, everything falls apart

[Dertomok]

Hello everyone. I'm writing this story of mine hoping that someone will be able to help me or at least understand me and the situation. This will be a longer story, so please everyone who can read it and give your opinion and advices. I will appreciate them a lot. I will separate the most important part, so people who don't have a lot of time could read. English is not my native language, so forgive me if I make hard to understand statements. Also, I'm kinda shaken so text may be hard to read as well And here it goes:

 

Since beginning of 2011 I found my love and she found me. She was my classmate in junior school, mid school and high school. We started dating at 10th grade and everything went really well, like in the romantic movies you see. She was my first girl, and I was her first boy. Everything began when my older brother started dating he older sister, and one time I decided to invite her to my home just to spend some time together. We watched a film together, had our first kiss and the relationship started to evolve. There were almost no problems, we had very few fights and they were really 'easy'. Then we both graduated our high school as top students and qualified for universities. I went for Theoretical Physics and she went to Medicine, which were in different universities, in different cities 100km apart.

 

Things looked just as good in the beginning of year as it was before. We saw each other every week, we were really talkative, warm and caring. I texted and called her everyday at least one or two times. Then she got a little bit exhausted physically and emotionally by the amount of work you have to put in your studies in medicine university and it became harder to have such high quality relationship as we had before. Few problems appeared in the mid of the first year studies: she said I was being too passive with our activities and that they repeat a lot (got boring). I said that I find it hard to believe that she has so very little time to give me during study days and that she acts cold sometimes. These were the problems, we knew them and we tried to work on them little by little. During summer, everything went really well and we were one of the happiest couples ever.

 

Then the second year of studies began. The same old problems occurred, with addition of new one: she said I spent too little time with my friends... in free time activities. Such as clubbing and going to bars. Now it may look that I got boring, I thought about that, but I don't think it was the case. I tried to study quite hard, to explore not only physics but IT world as well. In order to keep healthy and attractive man, I hit the gym 4 times a week and ate only healthy food. Now that doesn't mean that I didn't go to clubs or bars with friends, we did, and actually it was hell of a nights but we tried to keep it minimal in order to achieve something really valuable in our lives and improve ourselves. Now this was a little bit of self-defending, but I think it was quite important in order to tell how I saw the whole situation. We could only see each other on weekends, and she is kind of a person who gets really close to her girl friends. Those girls invited her to clubs and bars, to clear their heads out of studies and have some fun time. I think she got that 'I'm young and I want to live' feeling a little bit too much, and she started to look for problems when there were none. That combination of having passive and repeative relationship activities and image of me becoming boring but this girl in a strange emotional state. They she got a really hard course in university and everything started to go bad. She was exhausted, she was tired and little bit sad of our relationship. So during this period, we with her mother went to see her grandparents. There was a family problem between daughter, mother and grandmother which seemed quite silly and... inappropriate? I didn't interfere at that moment, but when we walked away with my girlfriend I said that she acted badly with her grandmother and I didn't expect that from her. Then she lost it. Everything summed up, she was full of emotions and then she sapped at me. With all the little problems, with all the undone things, she said a lot of harsh things in a very angry tone. I was left speechless. I told few things and decided not to talk to her until she realizes what she did wrong (this was a mistake of course, a person at this emotional state would never do that or even realize it). So we didn't talk for 3 hours during our drive home. We didn't talk after she gave me a ride home. After about an hour of being 'delivered' to my home, with no goodbyes and kisses, I got quite mad. And wrote an somewhat aggressive message (I didn't realize it at that moment) and sent to her. "Look how are you acting. I don't recognize you."

And this is where it all began. After that fight, two days later she got even more emotional, saying it's hard for her now, that I acted badly for allowing my girl to cry and be silent alone for 3 hours without talking and etc. I was hurt as hell as well, but that didn't seem to be the case. Everything again came down those little problems mentioned in the beginning as well as how hard is for her is this 'long distance relationship'. Then I kinda lost it, I got emotional and I said few things I shouldn't have said. I said that I didn't go to study abroad to a better university because of her and yet it is her who finds it hard. I said that I study just as hard as she does, yet I find strength and time to be spend time with her and always smile for her. And then... I said that when I thought of going abroad in an exchange program for second year, I would have bought her a wedding ring. And now... I didn't knew how we will continue as a couple after this weekend. She was shocked... Probably the idea that I could not have image of her being my wife at that moment was so hard for her, that she just lost it. This was the fourth year of our relationship. The following month we met each other, I was heavily improving on those problems, finding her a lot of activities and surprising with small romantic gifts, but she was cold. Yet I managed to make her laugh a lot of times during first three weeks, seduced her, made love to each other and future talks about us, but something was wrong. And this last weekend, when I went to visit her, she was extremely cold and I knew everything just was ****ed up at that moment. She didn't talk much, just dropped few "I'm really messed up inside, I think I would need some time and space" but she didn't go for it then. When I came back home, she texted me.

It something like this:

"I still love you very much, and I always will. You are a very important person in my life, but now I need space and time. For this time being, I see it super hard for us to be a couple. Just please, let's not finish it all together, because it would be to harsh... too much pain. I hope you will write be back, when I ask you how you are doing"

I wrote her: " What about us now then?"

She replied: " There is no us right now <insert my name> . Maybe there will be in future, but not now". This **** right there just crippled me. I knew she was talking fully out of emotions, probably with help of her friends... but damn... 3 years. Went just like that. After 2 hours of that message, I decided to call her. Just to talk, talking is always better then texting.

It was something like this. "Hi, you said a lot and I just wanted to hear it from you, your voice." Her tone was passive aggressive and she said " I already told you everything. I don't have anything else to tell".

Me- " It was really hard, we had a lot of problems but I think solving them would be better than taking a break. It's a really ****ty feeling when you can't do nothing. Can I do anything? "

She-" Stop it, let's just not hurt each other more. All you can do is give me space and time" her voice got slightly less aggressive. I realized that It came down to a break which essentially is a break-up (please, correct me if I'm wrong :/...). I took all the strength I had and said: "Well, if this is what you want, I can't do nothing. I hope in the end, we will be alright (this is what she said to me during my birthday after that vital 'wedding ring' fight we had)." She interrupted me and said " I hope so too" with a shaking voice. Then I ended with: " I love you <insert her name>, goodbye" I heard that she cracked up and started to cry loudly and I hanged up. I hanged up because I no longer could hold my tears... Forgot to mention, that during this conversation my voice was kinda shaking as well...

So this is it. I don't know what to think. I gave a lot of details about everything, so people could create very similar view to actual story... Also she is really attached to close people, and she cried a lot during our recent fights (mentioned to show that she cares about this whole thing). My brother and her sister are a married. And I'm really close to her family (divorced mother, father and grandparents).

My questions would be:

1) Is this a break or a break-up ?

2) Should I act with other girls like a free, non- committed person ? ( My answer is probably no, but i want to hear yours).

3) How should I act from this point?

Right now, I'm NC. Proper one (well it's been only two days lol). She wanted space and time... so I gave her. But the problem is that I think I will only give her a month. Then if we won't start talking, I will ask her out and break-up in a proper manner. Somehow I now that after something like 1 year she would come back, but I don't know if it's right to wait for this long. I will need to move on eventually. However if she texts me first, I won't ignore her. I will take little steps to build up connection again.

4) Any ideas to fix everything without NC ?

5) What are the chances of coming back together? (Silly question, but since it happened yesterday, I can't really help being emotional)

I consider myself an intelligent man, so I expect the best but prepare for worst. I will work out on myself, improve myself, hang out with my friends and just see and talk to new girls. I guess in these situations you either give up and continue to crawl till you fix yourself and become a better man.

 

Thanks everyone in advance for you help. I think I really need it right now.

Edited November 20, 2013 by Dertomok

[Froelich87]

I feel for you buddy.

 

I was in a similar situation as far as taking a break goes.

 

You want my opinion?

 

Dump her now before she dumps you.

She is using this time trying to keep you in limbo while she starts to move on and get over you.

 

That's not fair or right.

 

So, do it to it and then take a heavy dose of no contact.

[Dertomok]

I don't really know. I don't want to end this like this, if there is a little bit of hope, I think I will give it a shot. That one month. To see if she got herself together. If not... I guess I will have no regrets and will try to move on.

[Dertomok]

Also, we both didn't use social media much, but we both use/have skype. I don't know, should I remove her from friends and delete her number from phone ? In the end, she's the one who has to text me IMO, so it will not matter. In addition, maybe I should start clearing photos of her/us from my computer already ?

I really don't know. I don't want to act too impulsive at the momentm ruining the possible 'coming back together', but maybe it would be for the best ?

[Dertomok]

Anyone got an advice ?...

[Jmk21]

Here's some excellent advise.

 

Go NC. Drop off HER radar indefinitely. Worry about yourself. It'll be hard to do this because she left it open ended. But she did this for a reason and she WILL throw breadcrumbs to you. Do you really think she would rather be alone than be your gf? Na bro. That is not the case. She's eyeing something else and I guarantee her friends are pushing for it

[Dertomok]

Here's some excellent advise.

 

Go NC. Drop off HER radar indefinitely. Worry about yourself. It'll be hard to do this because she left it open ended. But she did this for a reason and she WILL throw breadcrumbs to you. Do you really think she would rather be alone than be your gf? Na bro. That is not the case. She's eyeing something else and I guarantee her friends are pushing for it

 

Well, she's not eyeing someone else. We talked about it, she said that herself before the break. And I will sound silly, but she's not that type of girl (as far as I know her). Her morals would not allow that. We were very loyal and respectful for each other during our relationship.

However I do think it's her friends. Those girls are just bad at relationships and have very childish approach to these things. And the approach was, if somethings bad... runaway?... Since she's alone at there, those girls are the only ones to listen her to and the only ones to gives advices.

[Haydn]

She told you she is not eyeing someone else? What would you tell her if it was the other way around and you wanted to keep your options open just in case.......Delete all social media and block. Remove all traces of her life from your and then just disappear. Let her have the hope not you and dont mope around.I did and it does bugger all good. MOVE on. if she wants you then she will have to come crawling. Dont give her any options. Take care

[Dertomok]

Also, I was pretty much always right with my intuition about this relationship and her emotional state. And both intuition and mind say that there is no someone else. It's all her emotions and thoughts. That's why it's so hard for me to decide if it's a break or a break-up. Maybe she needs time to get herself together before she comes back or maybe I need to start moving on and don't look back at her.

I think that one month rule will help here. Since I will be NC if she doesn't show any interest in contacting me first and will end up relationship all together with her after this one month.

[Dertomok]

She told you she is not eyeing someone else? What would you tell her if it was the other way around and you wanted to keep your options open just in case.......Delete all social media and block. Remove all traces of her life from your and then just disappear. Let her have the hope not you and dont mope around.I did and it does bugger all good. MOVE on. if she wants you then she will have to come crawling. Dont give her any options. Take care

 

Well she said that she didn't meet anyone one else, and no one apart her made influence on her decision. May not be the case due to her girl friends, but I'm pretty sure there is no other guy. I will just ask you people to base your advices without 'someone else theory' because I really do think that this is not the case and it won't be the best decision to base actions on it. It may sound silly from a brokenhearted guy, but like I said I'm pretty sure it's not the case

Anyways, thank you a lot for helping.

[xUnknown]

Also, I was pretty much always right with my intuition about this relationship and her emotional state. And both intuition and mind say that there is no someone else. It's all her emotions and thoughts. That's why it's so hard for me to decide if it's a break or a break-up. Maybe she needs time to get herself together before she comes back or maybe I need to start moving on and don't look back at her.

I think that one month rule will help here. Since I will be NC if she doesn't show any interest in contacting me first and will end up relationship all together with her after this one month.

 

You have to assume and plan that a breakup is coming. There are no breaks in a relationship. I believe this and I even told my ex this when she wanted a break...I should have stuck with my guns and told her no breaks, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Plan for the worst, expect the best (as you said). You have to plan for a breakup. Remove puctures from your house, memories, whatever it is that gets you thinking about her, box it all up.

 

My ex asked for a break too(we about 3 weeks from a 2 year relationship)...I gave her 2 weeks NC then she came back to talk and end it for good. She also gave me hope for the future (lets work on ourselves and see where we are in 6 months, we'll start fresh --as we started as a summer fling and lead into a relationship). I'm still struggling letting go of this hope. Its been 7weeks since BU, 9 w/ Break...so I'm right around that 2 month struggle point. It will hurt, but please go NC. I couldn't bring it to delete her off my fb, but I have her stuff hidden from my feed and Have not looked at her page in 8 weeks. I hate doing something that I'm going to regret. I feel like we can still be good friends - in time. But I'm not there yet. Please remove the things that remind you of her.

 

Think of it this way...SHE questioned the relationship..SHE wasn't sure it would work...SHE wanted time to think - about what??--how much she loved you and wanted to be with you? NO. Don't take that. Start to realize that now. I'm trying to remind myself every day what she did to me and how she hurt me. Please start doing that NOW...You'll hurt more later on like I am.

 

If you plan for a breakup now, your already a few weeks ahead when the break up comes. If she says she doesn't want to break up, then YOUR in control...You can dictate, yes, lets get together...or No, her commitment and questioning really made you think that she had doubts, and after a 3 year relationship...there shouldn't be doubts like that.

 

Please save yourself the hurt. Leave it open ended...thats what SHE wanted, but now YOU are taking control back and going NC. You're telling her, No, I'm not putting up with your bullspit. You love me and want to be with me, or you don't. You're questioning your feelings - I don't want that in a partner, someone that I love...relationships are through thick and thin..there is no quitting. Doubts are quitting. She quit.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh at all...just trying to vent from my own perspective because I'm hurting too.

[Jmk21]

I agree with your logic towards your ex and her "values" you think she has. I THOUGHT the same about mine. Hell we spent damn near every day together for 2-1/2 years, shared our deepest secrets. But all that went out the window after I did my own investigating. It's a good thing I have a few sisters that are in my age range that could give me insight into what I WASN'T seeing. What I refused to see. Only then when I opened my eyes. I realized what my percieved value was to her and what we had together was zilch,nada,0.

 

Breadcrumbs taste good when your hungry. But you can't survive on them. You have to go find your own meal and dig in. It actually just might taste better too

[xUnknown]

Tried to edit to add the following but there was already a comment..

 

 

I guarantee her friends had something to do with this. I know mine did. My ex looks up to her best friend...idk why, she just does. Whenever she is around her she emulates her. Her bff is a real dick to bf, and someone mentioned to me the other day how ****ty my ex was treating me and how her bff was treating her bf like ****. Its stuff like that I wish I had picked up on. So think about it this way... Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't think for themselves. My ex clearly looked up to and had her bff as an influence...just as your "Ex" is being influenced by her friends. She should trust the relationship..trust the bond she has with you...not what her friends THINK. They aren't the ones in the relationship. If she can't make a decision for HERself based on HER relationship, then SHE has a problem - and you don't want that.

[xUnknown]

Breadcrumbs taste good when your hungry. But you can't survive on them. You have to go find your own meal and dig in. It actually just might taste better too

 

This was a great way to put it. For me, I'm hungry for the breadcrumbs...that just shows how much I'm still sucked into the hope...I gotta find my own "meal" to get over that hope.

[Dertomok]

You have to assume and plan that a breakup is coming. There are no breaks in a relationship. I believe this and I even told my ex this when she wanted a break...I should have stuck with my guns and told her no breaks, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Plan for the worst, expect the best (as you said). You have to plan for a breakup. Remove puctures from your house, memories, whatever it is that gets you thinking about her, box it all up.

 

My ex asked for a break too(we about 3 weeks from a 2 year relationship)...I gave her 2 weeks NC then she came back to talk and end it for good. She also gave me hope for the future (lets work on ourselves and see where we are in 6 months, we'll start fresh --as we started as a summer fling and lead into a relationship). I'm still struggling letting go of this hope. Its been 7weeks since BU, 9 w/ Break...so I'm right around that 2 month struggle point. It will hurt, but please go NC. I couldn't bring it to delete her off my fb, but I have her stuff hidden from my feed and Have not looked at her page in 8 weeks. I hate doing something that I'm going to regret. I feel like we can still be good friends - in time. But I'm not there yet. Please remove the things that remind you of her.

 

Think of it this way...SHE questioned the relationship..SHE wasn't sure it would work...SHE wanted time to think - about what??--how much she loved you and wanted to be with you? NO. Don't take that. Start to realize that now. I'm trying to remind myself every day what she did to me and how she hurt me. Please start doing that NOW...You'll hurt more later on like I am.

 

If you plan for a breakup now, your already a few weeks ahead when the break up comes. If she says she doesn't want to break up, then YOUR in control...You can dictate, yes, lets get together...or No, her commitment and questioning really made you think that she had doubts, and after a 3 year relationship...there shouldn't be doubts like that.

 

Please save yourself the hurt. Leave it open ended...thats what SHE wanted, but now YOU are taking control back and going NC. You're telling her, No, I'm not putting up with your bullspit. You love me and want to be with me, or you don't. You're questioning your feelings - I don't want that in a partner, someone that I love...relationships are through thick and thin..there is no quitting. Doubts are quitting. She quit.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh at all...just trying to vent from my own perspective because I'm hurting too.

 

You are not harsh man, you are being very helpful

Do you agree with my idea to end it for good if she doesn't contact during one month ? Cutting all the 'break' bull**** and saying that now it just over ?

[xUnknown]

You are not harsh man, you are being very helpful

Do you agree with my idea to end it for good if she doesn't contact during one month ? Cutting all the 'break' bull**** and saying that now it just over ?

 

If she has to consider a MONTH to determine if she wants to be with you...well think about that one. My ex didn't give me a timeline. I gave myself 2 weeks. I started going to therapy and then realized how bad she was for me. I told myself, if at 2 weeks she said she wants me back, then I would tell her I would have to think about it more...because I wasn't sure now. Ultimately, I said to myself, if she comes back, she is going to have to work on these things to gain my trust back so we can better our relationship. On the 2nd week (to the day) thats when she wanted to end it with me...I agreed, no begging, no pleading...as much as I loved her and wanted her back, I know she did things to hurt me and knew she had to work on herself before I would be with her again. My issue is hoping that she works on them so that we can get together sooner...but I know thats not how it works.

 

Honestly...I would go NC. I think you should leave it open ended..because thats how she wanted it - only now, its on YOUR terms...not hers.

 

Maybe she'll call you back...she may not and hope you got the hint that this "break" was actually a breakup. If she calls, keep ignoring. After a while, you'll pick up - just a hunch, because I know I would - you should tell her, you made things clear that you were questioning the relationship.. You weren't sure..you had doubts...I don't want someone that is going to doubt me, doubt their self, doubt their feelings, doubt the relationship....if she begs and tell you shell change, then take things slow.

 

Start dating again and see where things go...again, taking it slow...knowing that if she had these doubts, she may have them again and you have to keep yourself "protected". She hurt you...people that love each other don't rip out the others heart just to "make sure" they love you...thats a bunch of crap.

 

Cross that bridge when/if it comes...but I think right now (as I'm sure many here will agree)...drop off. go NC. Hide you FB status if you can't bring yourself to go single...but you two are separated. There is no reason for FB to reflect that. Chances are if you go single, she'll contact you about it...at which point you say how there are no breaks in a relationship...youre having doubts about us, letting your friends think for you etc etc etc.

 

She said "break up" at first right? She meant break up....she started hurting and crying when you two spoke, so she tried to lessen the blow (to you and to her) by saying "break".

 

Also, She broke up via text...not even a phone call. You had to call her. **** that man. Even if it was a "break", at least my ex had the decency to do both (break and breakup) in person w/ a 3 hour each way drive...(but I can't look at it as a "good" thing that she did that, shes cold and selfish either way).

 

Treat it as a breakup...thats what it is. She said breakup, couldn't say it again so she said break to lessen it and to ease your way into the BU...

 

Again, its the harsh reality of it...I'm still pissed at my ex. You'll try to rationalize her actions...but in the end, it doesn't matter. Who cares what she thinks or what her reasons were. You are YOU. Don't change yourself for her...thats for HER job to do for you...shes having the doubts...therefor the problem is HER thoughts.

[xUnknown]

You are not harsh man, you are being very helpful

Do you agree with my idea to end it for good if she doesn't contact during one month ? Cutting all the 'break' bull**** and saying that now it just over ?

 

You could end it now and tell her the reasons...or leave it open ended. Whichever you think you'll feel better about doing...but I believe she broke up with you..now is where you go NC and move forward.

[Dertomok]

If she has to consider a MONTH to determine if she wants to be with you...well think about that one. My ex didn't give me a timeline. I gave myself 2 weeks. I started going to therapy and then realized how bad she was for me. I told myself, if at 2 weeks she said she wants me back, then I would tell her I would have to think about it more...because I wasn't sure now. Ultimately, I said to myself, if she comes back, she is going to have to work on these things to gain my trust back so we can better our relationship. On the 2nd week (to the day) thats when she wanted to end it with me...I agreed, no begging, no pleading...as much as I loved her and wanted her back, I know she did things to hurt me and knew she had to work on herself before I would be with her again. My issue is hoping that she works on them so that we can get together sooner...but I know thats not how it works.

 

Honestly...I would go NC. I think you should leave it open ended..because thats how she wanted it - only now, its on YOUR terms...not hers.

 

Maybe she'll call you back...she may not and hope you got the hint that this "break" was actually a breakup. If she calls, keep ignoring. After a while, you'll pick up - just a hunch, because I know I would - you should tell her, you made things clear that you were questioning the relationship.. You weren't sure..you had doubts...I don't want someone that is going to doubt me, doubt their self, doubt their feelings, doubt the relationship....if she begs and tell you shell change, then take things slow.

 

Start dating again and see where things go...again, taking it slow...knowing that if she had these doubts, she may have them again and you have to keep yourself "protected". She hurt you...people that love each other don't rip out the others heart just to "make sure" they love you...thats a bunch of crap.

 

Cross that bridge when/if it comes...but I think right now (as I'm sure many here will agree)...drop off. go NC. Hide you FB status if you can't bring yourself to go single...but you two are separated. There is no reason for FB to reflect that. Chances are if you go single, she'll contact you about it...at which point you say how there are no breaks in a relationship...youre having doubts about us, letting your friends think for you etc etc etc.

 

She said "break up" at first right? She meant break up....she started hurting and crying when you two spoke, so she tried to lessen the blow (to you and to her) by saying "break".

 

Also, She broke up via text...not even a phone call. You had to call her. **** that man. Even if it was a "break", at least my ex had the decency to do both (break and breakup) in person w/ a 3 hour each way drive...(but I can't look at it as a "good" thing that she did that, shes cold and selfish either way).

 

Treat it as a breakup...thats what it is. She said breakup, couldn't say it again so she said break to lessen it and to ease your way into the BU...

 

Again, its the harsh reality of it...I'm still pissed at my ex. You'll try to rationalize her actions...but in the end, it doesn't matter. Who cares what she thinks or what her reasons were. You are YOU. Don't change yourself for her...thats for HER job to do for you...shes having the doubts...therefor the problem is HER thoughts.

 

Thanks for helping me.

Well she never said break-up, she always said break or space and time. But yes, it may just be the break-up and she didn't have the courage to say it. While I see your perspective, and it makes sense I want to share you with mine.

Like I said, I want to have no regrets. I'm NC and it is she who needs to contact and it is she who needs to start everything from scratch again. I don't want to waste an opportunity because of being hurt or being spiteful/revengeful. She really got out of balance due to pressure from university and our long distance relationship added up a little bit. I hope she will revalue her priorities and come back, but even then things will be different and I will be aware of what happened. This is why I don't want to straight up ignore her, I'm currently NC but I will reply her in a manner which I don't know yet when she writes be. Also I don't what to blow the opportunity with 'it's all over' right now, because if there is a chance, I'm not willing to destroy it. This is my approach and I am aware of that it may actually just be a prolonged break-up but it's the 1 month risk I'm willing to take.

Like I said, thank you for sharing your opinion and spilling your heart out.

[Haydn]

Its not someone elses theory. Its easy to be in great denial when your heart is broken and to put that person right up there and assume she or he can do no wrong and you know them so well. I think a lot of us have been in the same situation. `She wouldn`t do this to me` Etc....But a lot of the time we have our head up our arses. Thinking how wonderful she is......NC is the only way. Ok give it a month, if she does not contact you? Then what? Give it a another month and so on but dont use it to try to get her back. Use it to give yourself the chance to breathe......Read a a few more of the posts here and you will get a better perspective on what you should do.

[Dertomok]

Its not someone elses theory. Its easy to be in great denial when your heart is broken and to put that person right up there and assume she or he can do no wrong and you know them so well. I think a lot of us have been in the same situation. `She wouldn`t do this to me` Etc....But a lot of the time we have our head up our arses. Thinking how wonderful she is......NC is the only way. Ok give it a month, if she does not contact you? Then what? Give it a another month and so on but dont use it to try to get her back. Use it to give yourself the chance to breathe......Read a a few more of the posts here and you will get a better perspective on what you should do.

 

Well I may be a little bit defending her right now, but hell I know she did a lot of ****. I know that world won't end when we break up, I know that she's not perfect and I think in the long run, I would cope with the break-up a lot better than she would. But I'm always that kind of a man who thinks that some people (very little of course) can change after shock and revalue their life. And I imagine relationship as two people working on each other, improving and sometimes forgiving.

And 1 month is a deadline. I will pack all her gifts she gave to me during these three years, invite her to a quiet place and give them all to her and just move on. Without regretting, without blaming myself and knowing that I did the right thing and even gave a chance (which sometimes needs to be given I think).

[xUnknown]

I agree with Haydn. My ex just got a job and moved 3 hours away (I don't think she likes it all that much so I'm sure that contributed to it). But yeah, I'm sure she is overwhelmed...but at the same time, she doesn't want to be overwhelmed with the relationship on top of her own stuff. "You deserve someone who is willing to work on things with you...but right now I'm not willing to". That's what my ex told me--that frickin hurt. I think thats the mindset you should think of it. If she wanted to work at it, she wouldn't leave you or need this time...She's keeping you on the backburner, a 2nd string, maybe not for another guy...but to see if she wants to deal with the relationship on top of everything else.

 

Nobody deserves that. Not you, not I, not anyone else. Keep NC. If she texts...keep it short and sweet. No "how was your day going?" texts, because if she doesn't respond, you'll be crushed...again, you'll only get your hopes up.

 

I know I sound like the bad guy here, but I just went through all this. She says its stress because of this that and the other thing...sure, I bet thats it too. But she would stick with you through thick and thin..she would want you to help her though this...think about that. She SHOULD want you to be there for her...but she isn't sure?? That's the hardest think I had to wrap my head around.

[Dertomok]

I agree with Haydn. My ex just got a job and moved 3 hours away (I don't think she likes it all that much so I'm sure that contributed to it). But yeah, I'm sure she is overwhelmed...but at the same time, she doesn't want to be overwhelmed with the relationship on top of her own stuff. "You deserve someone who is willing to work on things with you...but right now I'm not willing to". That's what my ex told me--that frickin hurt. I think thats the mindset you should think of it. If she wanted to work at it, she wouldn't leave you or need this time...She's keeping you on the backburner, a 2nd string, maybe not for another guy...but to see if she wants to deal with the relationship on top of everything else.

 

Nobody deserves that. Not you, not I, not anyone else. Keep NC. If she texts...keep it short and sweet. No "how was your day going?" texts, because if she doesn't respond, you'll be crushed...again, you'll only get your hopes up.

 

I know I sound like the bad guy here, but I just went through all this. She says its stress because of this that and the other thing...sure, I bet thats it too. But she would stick with you through thick and thin..she would want you to help her though this...think about that. She SHOULD want you to be there for her...but she isn't sure?? That's the hardest think I had to wrap my head around.

 

I think you may be right here. If that's the case, I will end the relationship eventually with no regrets.

And yes, like you said I'm going to keep the texting manner short and confident (dunno about that sweet lol.).

EDIT: Also she did not mention the break to last 1 month. She said she needed the break. I was the one who came up with deadline to myself, like you did with 2 weeks.

Edited November 20, 2013 by Dertomok

[xUnknown]

Dertomok --I just came across this and think sort of helped me. Again, I'm having a difficult time moving on...but I think this really helps put some realization into it..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/443583-break-up-my-final-realization-truth#post5352919

[xUnknown]

I think you may be right here. If that's the case, I will end the relationship eventually with no regrets.

And yes, like you said I'm going to keep the texting manner short and confident (dunno about that sweet lol.).

EDIT: Also she did not mention the break to last 1 month. She said she needed the break. I was the one who came up with deadline to myself, like you did with 2 weeks.

 

Compromise with me man...go 3 weeks. A month? You're willing to hold out for 30 days? The first week will be hell and you're just going to kill yourself thinking about it all the time. Just like I am when my ex said, "see where we are in 6 months". I'm having difficulty letting go because She put a time to it. When I put my time of 2 weeks to it, it helped me sooo much. Make it about you.

[Dertomok]

Compromise with me man...go 3 weeks. A month? You're willing to hold out for 30 days? The first week will be hell and you're just going to kill yourself thinking about it all the time. Just like I am when my ex said, "see where we are in 6 months". I'm having difficulty letting go because She put a time to it. When I put my time of 2 weeks to it, it helped me sooo much. Make it about you.

 

I don't know man. I think I'm getting better pretty fast. It's been three days. During first day it was nightmare, I couldn't believe it. I actually sincerely hoped everything will be alright. Second day was quite hard to, but no where close to it and I came to realization that everything is probably over (there's a very slim chance like I mentioned before). Today, it seems like I'm getting a lot better. I will soon get healthy again (I'm kinda sick right now) so I will hit the gym and the flow of endorphins will make stuff wayyyyy much better. Also, I already made up plans for weekend, to hang with friends and just meet some new girls. Also, now I'm starting to think not about the good times we had, but about the bad ones and her behavior. It helps, a lot. And just like you pointed out, the way she took a 'break' was cheap and ****ed up, and it will eventually make it easier to move on I think.