Thoughts on dating a 'shy' girl?

[melell]

Just wondering how appealing, or unappealing people find shy girls

[Fondue]

My current girlfriend is what most people consider a shy, introverted girl.

 

The first few dates, it was incredibly difficult to really talk to her and get her super engaged. She definitely enjoyed my company, but was very much dependent on me leading the conversation and everything else included. I honestly didn't know whether or not she was into me, or just liked being around a man. Only thing that kept me going that she was receptive to my physical advances and always agreed to the next date enthusiastically.

 

It wasn't until about 2 months into the relationship that she really just dropped all her walls and become a super giggly, fun, silly person. I think she just had a great shell around her that slowly needed to get chipped at. Now around me, she's completely great and engaging. Even much more so than I. It was a complete 180.

 

She did tell me later on in our relationship that she is very introverted and has difficulty getting comfortable with people enough to really show herself. I think she even hinted at going to therapy about it once, but I don't like to get involved in personal stuff, so I just kind of ignored that thought.

 

In group settings, she's kinda quiet, but pretty receptive to interaction. With her friends, she's more bubbly and open, but with people she doesn't know well or just met, she's quiet, but friendly.

 

So that's pretty much it. I like it.

[Fondue]

Oh yah, maybe this is worth adding, too:

 

The girl I dated before her was COMPLETELY the opposite. Very outgoing, very passionate, very talkative, and always out/about.

 

It was much easier to make a connection with the extroverted girl because she made it this way. It was incredibly simple to talk to her, to joke around with her, and to be silly right from the beginning.

 

The thing though, was that she was always out and about. Every friday/saturday night was about "going out." The weekdays, they had events, too. And she loved having my company to all these things. She always wanted me to be with her at these birthdays/celebrations/shows/etc. There was ALWAYS something, and she HAD to be there. It became so damn tiring. It took her a long time to understand that she could do those things WITHOUT me.

 

So with this outgoing girl, things were pretty fun/exciting, but just tiring. Also, there was so much more drama attached. We always had to 'talk things out." She was an awesome girl, don't get me wrong. But I couldn't match that outgoingness. I prefer to have a quiet evening at a hookah lounge to going to a club and dancing until 4am. Unfortunately, this girl ended up "falling in love" with me and I wasn't feeling it. Life goes on, right!?

 

Glad I found my shy girl though .

[greenfairie]

I'm definitely a shy girl. I'm pretty much like that girl in the first post Fondue posted about. She sounds awesome btw! Hahah

 

I would like to know the answer to that question too.

I read on some guy's dating profiles, "If you don't talk, don't bother talking to me." I'd be like omg… Crushed. Once I saw how cute this guy was but when I read that on his profile, I was just like oh never mind...

[ponchsox]

Shy good means she can be outgoing once she gets to know you and breaks out of her shell. Shy bad is when she's just a dull and boring person. Big difference.

[melell]

mmmm yeah, makes the connection hard to start?

[ThomasD]

Both my wife and I are often considered to be "quiet and shy" - especially when were in our teens and early 20's.

 

Our "dating" actually started off with over 3 months of letter-writing to each other, sight unseen, before we met face-to-face. Yeah, it was something of an inconvenient necessity due to a distance problem in excess of 700 miles but in retrospect I think it was an effective way for two quiet and shy people to get very acquainted at a rather personal level. When we finally DID meet in person we were already "in like" with each other. (OK, we weren't just two random people connecting with each other, either. The story is in some of my old posts - let me know if you want help finding it.)

 

Based on my experience you may get good results if you use writing to get acquainted and get inside her shyness. See if she responds to sincere, short, notes - include a friendship card if you'd like. It's so rare to get ANYTHING hand-written that your efforts are likely to be well received.

[Aero-el]

Only thing that kept me going that she was receptive to my physical advances and always agreed to the next date enthusiastically.

 

Can you break this down? What 'physical advances' did you go in order? Did you kiss her on date #1? Or #5?

 

I'm also dealing with an extremely shy girl and haven't even kissed yet. I fear her interest in me will probably start to die out because I haven't made the kiss move. She's so hard to read. I feel like I should have tried to kiss, but she gives off this vibe that throws me off. Excuses, I know.

[ThomasD]

. . . Did you kiss her on date #1? Or #5?

 

I'm also dealing with an extremely shy girl and haven't even kissed yet. I fear her interest in me will probably start to die out because I haven't made the kiss move. She's so hard to read. I feel like I should have tried to kiss, but she gives off this vibe that throws me off. Excuses, I know.

My shy girl (see my post - I think it's #7 on this thread), somewhat to my surprise, kissed on the FIRST date! And it was a REAL, very SERIOUS kiss. Only time either of us had ever kissed on a first date. Previous experiences would have been more like Date #5, or more. Yes, we had been writing to each other for over 3 months before we met and had that first date (and first kiss). It may show that when shy people make a decision and make the move, they really mean it - we married just over a year after that first date and it's lasted 39 years so far.

[FrostBlaze]

They are just shy until they get used to you, they are shy because they fear what people may think of them and don't know if they CAN act as themselves around you, YET.

But once they do, sometimes they might not even wanna shut up xD.

However most shy girls i've met, are kinky.

 

My ex was like that, "i'm shy i probably won't even talk much to you, etc". Telling me that at the first date.

We met, i made her feel confortable, tried to find a topic she liked talking about and she couldn't shut up. "See i told you that you can, you've been yapping for 30 minutes" xD.

 

Often, they are shy because they are not versed in many things...and as i said are afraid what people may think of them when they speak, afraid they might say something wrong. (also lack of self confidence)

So if you find a topic she knows quite a bit about(she is confident about), she will open up easyer to you and talk. It's good if you have things in common duh xD.

 

Well my girl liked books...and games, i had to make her talk about other stuff, but she did love talking about those, specially books.(as a first so she can open up to you)

[MalachiX]

I think it depends if she's shy with me or not. I don't mind if she's shy with others (I was though not so much these days). The important thing is if she can open up to me and be willing to be affectionate, fun, and challenging.

 

I like people with balls (figuratively speaking). I think lots of shy people have a quiet strength to them which is amazing to behold when they let it out. I just don't have much interest in someone who is always closed off or bland.

[bumpyroad]

It depends on the level of shyness. Some shyness can be endearing but severe social anxiety/agoraphobia is obviously going to be very limiting for the partner.

 

I'm shy to begin with around new people, but the shyness wears off once I've met them a few times/sussed them out. I have to put some conscious effort daily into fighting against it; shy people are sometimes thought of as being hard work, I don't want to be hard work.

 

Obviously, being open/honest/trustworthy is what matters. I tend to think of quieter people as being more gentle/kind/loyal. I agree with the saying "still waters run deep".

 

Personally, I can't be doing with very extroverted people, they wear me out, but then again, people that don't open up at all can be dull and wear you out too.

[Zezima]

shy girls arne't disadvantaged at all. Men will usually still approach you.

 

However it's a disadvantage to be a shy guy since most women don't approach men. Shy guys have to eventually work up the nerve to talk to women.

[Zezima]

Actually I take that back, I would much rather date a girl who is somewhat extroverted. The reason I say this is because i'm a pretty shy guy and most women who are willing to talk to me tend to be extroverted by nature.

 

Extroverted girls are the only option for shy guys most of the time. A shy guy and girl have trouble talking to each other.

[Fondue]

Can you break this down? What 'physical advances' did you go in order? Did you kiss her on date #1? Or #5?

 

I'm also dealing with an extremely shy girl and haven't even kissed yet. I fear her interest in me will probably start to die out because I haven't made the kiss move. She's so hard to read. I feel like I should have tried to kiss, but she gives off this vibe that throws me off. Excuses, I know.

 

Sure, I'll break it down best I can.

 

First Date: I took her to an arcade with a bar. We had a drink or two each while spending the evening playing games together. I like to highfive people as my first physical contact, and she responded positively to all my highfives. Then I started to hold them there a little longer or held onto her hand for a sec; she didn't move her hand out until I moved mine. Which seemed to be a pretty good indicator that she was at least comfortable with me.

 

Second Date: Went to a local comedy show. Had a nice walk/drink/pizza. On the train ride back (her stop was on the way), I had put my arm around her, which she was comfortable with. I was also comparing hand sizes with her (which was just an excuse to hold her hand, really). Making jokes about how much mine are bigger. She seemed to like holding my hand after that.

 

Third Date: Dinner + Bar/ jazz club with activities. Great (big) place that has ping pong, billiards, darts, chess, etc. etc. etc. Lots of different activities. Shared a few drinks, played some chess, then pingpong. Once we got tired, went over to the couches, sat down and listened to the live jazz music. At this point she was very receptive to my physical advances, was cuddly, and was really into being face to face and doing some light teasing. She actually got really into it, and when our lips were a inch apart, she initiated it. I was actually going to not two seconds later, but she beat me to it. After like an hour of passionate making out, I told her we're getting into a cab and going home. She paused for a sec, thought about it, and said, "okay! ^__^." I used my usual routine that I do with new girls when we got to my apartment. Put on slow music on my Pandora (in this case, Michael Buble station), danced around my apartment slowly, while kissing lightly, and doing some gentle petting/caressing of her body. Eventually lead her to my wall, which started with making out, to lifting her up by her ass, to carrying her into my bedroom, to throwing her onto my bed, and then... yah. You know the rest .

[ThomasD]

. . . . I think lots of shy people have a quiet strength to them which is amazing to behold when they let it out . . .

From my very non-rigorous and un-scientific observations I think this is true of many who are labeled as "introverts".

[ThomasD]

. . . Personally, I can't be doing with very extroverted people, they wear me out . . . .

I have to make a very deliberate effort to suppress the idea that they are disingenuous, phony, and manipulative. Of course, from time to time I stumble across advice (e.g., job hunting discussions, dating and relationship forums like this one, discussions of sales techniques, etc) that it's important to act extroverted when you ARE being disingenuous, phony, or manipulative.

[bumpyroad]

I have to make a very deliberate effort to suppress the idea that they are disingenuous, phony, and manipulative. Of course, from time to time I stumble across advice (e.g., job hunting discussions, dating and relationship forums like this one, discussions of sales techniques, etc) that it's important to act extroverted when you ARE being disingenuous, phony, or manipulative.

 

Ha! ...

[Aero-el]

ThomasD and Fondue, your story gives me hope; thank you. And thanks to everyone else's feedback. I'm dealing with a shy girl myself and am at a loss. We've went out three times (bar, coffeehouse, and art gallery) and we have yet to kiss. I think I'm in the friendzone now (if it exists) and I should cut my losses, due to my failure to physically advance each date.

 

But you guys gave me really good insight, about introvert/shy people not talking because they're typically not well versed in the general things of life and don't want others to judge them, so they remain silent.

Edited November 22, 2013 by Aero-el

[ThomasD]

ThomasD and Fondue, your story gives me hope; thank you. And thanks to everyone else's feedback. I'm dealing with a shy girl myself and am at a loss. We've went out three times (bar, coffeehouse, and art gallery) and we have yet to kiss. I think I'm in the friendzone now (if it exists) and I should cut my losses . . .

I'm sorry you think something has been "lost" and will never have a positive outcome. If there's no history of significant previous interaction between you two I'd say that 3 dates may be still the point of "we just met" as far as the shy girl is concerned.

 

. . . due to my failure to physically advance each date.

Ummmm . . . . is this your primary gauge for judging the relationship? Are you interested in her as a person - potential life partner - or mostly just want to feel her squirm in orgasm? (Those are genuine questions I have, and I don't really know what your intentions are, but we all know the socially correct answers. And regardless of what your long-term intentions are, I hope you HAVE thought about her as a sex partner. That attraction is important in a relationship but I don't think it's the main thing, or the place to start.)

 

As I mentioned, my shy girl and I wrote to each other for several months before we even met, and were already "in like" before we saw each others face in person. I didn't fully realize or appreciate it at the time. When I moved to embrace her and try for a kiss at the end of our first date (which took a lot of courage for me) I expected, at best, a perfunctory peck out of obligation. And it seemed reasonable that she would totally (but politely and respectfully) decline. What happened was a very real, serious, passionate kiss! I don't think anything even remotely like that would have happened without the months we had already spent getting acquainted.

 

But you guys gave me really good insight, about introvert/shy people not talking because they're typically not well versed in the general things of life and don't want others to judge them, so they remain silent. That's often the case. I think Lincoln said something like, "It's better to remain silent and let others think you're a fool, than to open your mouth and remove their doubts.".

 

When you have gained her trust and confidence you may find that she isn't into chit-chat or small talk, but will open up about more serious and personal subjects - perhaps even things you consider uncomfortably personal.

[Aero-el]

Yeah, physical advances is how I'm judging how far along we are. Other than that, I don't know what else.

 

I'm interested in her in this order: as a person, sex partner, and long term relationship.

 

The girl I'm trying to date (let's call her Jill) isn't much for small talk; I've observed the way she talks with others in our social circle. She is a 'meat and potatoes' kind of chatter.

 

Half of me feels this is a lost cause, but the other half feels there's a chance. All this of course is speculative at best until I interact with her some more and see how she reciprocates.

[todreaminblue]

Sure, I'll break it down best I can.

 

 

Second Date: Went to a local comedy show. Had a nice walk/drink/pizza. On the train ride back (her stop was on the way), I had put my arm around her, which she was comfortable with. I was also comparing hand sizes with her (which was just an excuse to hold her hand, really). Making jokes about how much mine are bigger. She seemed to like holding my hand after that.

 

 

 

you rock ....smilin....i do the hand comparing thing i have this ocd need to do it i have to find the hand thats right for mine........normally a guy will grab my hand when i do ...its nice...i have little hands ......like a raptor...kidding..i like comparing hand sizes never met a guy with smaller hands than mine and guys that smiel when i do this .....are the bomb...i like touching and hands are beautiful.......lol.....deb

Edited November 23, 2013 by todreaminblue

[ThomasD]

...i do the hand comparing thing i have this ocd need to do it i have to find the hand thats right for mine.....i like comparing hand sizes never met a guy with smaller hands than mine and guys that smiel when i do this ....

This definitely makes me smile . . . no, giggle.

 

The urban legend I learned - going all the way back to High School in the 60's - is that you can tell the size of a guy's erection by observing his hand. So a girl who makes a point of examining a guy's hands is really evaluating him as a potential sex partner, or a guy who starts playing hand games with her is actually trying to impress her with his physical endowment.

 

Of course, the underlying premise breaks down with even cursory examination (but I wasn't sharp enough to figure this out until my teen years were well past). First, women in general are only mildly concerned about a guy's genital size. And being large isn't necessarily desirable to some women. Second, the legend wasn't very clear about how the hand related to the penis. Some said it was the span (between the tips of the thumb and middle finger), some said it was a multiple of thumb length (3 times?), some said it was the distance from wrist to fingertip (it wasn't clear which finger - take your pick).

 

Are these legends still in general circulation?

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

This definitely makes me smile . . . no, giggle.

 

The urban legend I learned - going all the way back to High School in the 60's - is that you can tell the size of a guy's erection by observing his hand. So a girl who makes a point of examining a guy's hands is really evaluating him as a potential sex partner, or a guy who starts playing hand games with her is actually trying to impress her with his physical endowment.

 

Of course, the underlying premise breaks down with even cursory examination (but I wasn't sharp enough to figure this out until my teen years were well past). First, women in general are only mildly concerned about a guy's genital size. And being large isn't necessarily desirable to some women. Second, the legend wasn't very clear about how the hand related to the penis. Some said it was the span (between the tips of the thumb and middle finger), some said it was a multiple of thumb length (3 times?), some said it was the distance from wrist to fingertip (it wasn't clear which finger - take your pick).

 

Are these legends still in general circulation?

 

Nose, Feet, Hands.... there's all kinds of legends.

 

I feel sorry for the guy with a big nose, huge hands, large feet, and a tiny penis.

[MrCastle]

Hola fellow New Yorker.

 

I don't mind the shy ones. As long as they can open up to me eventually. If they're shy throughout our whole trist, obviously it will be short lived.