Brown-Eyez Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I have often read on here that when you go no contact you just do it with no warning I've never understood the full point of that if the breakup wasn't abusive so I wrote him a letter explaining why i would no longer be responding to him i just thought it's considerate to let him know from now on he'd be ignored even if he is an assclown.. was that wrong to do? what's your experience of going NC and telling your x vs not telling them first?
reddragon588 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Zero pros to letting them know. Don't do it.
greenfairie Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I mean, not to trying to be rude. It's not so wrong but in my opinion, it's more damaging than not telling the ex about NC. The ex could get really hurt and they will have a wall up in front of you not sharing as much anymore because you just told him/or her that you don't want to talk to that person anymore.. I can already imagine someone telling me that and I know it'd sting really bad. My ex was like that and he got so hurt that he ended up being angry at me. We talked a few times and he was just mean. He wasnt nice to me at all. He would throw mean comments about the past at me to make me feel like I'm at fault in the relationship. When we were around friends, we would be pretending to be cordial because we didn't have to stare at each other and we had other people to talk to. Not telling the ex about NC could just make them wonder and probably go crazy about what you're up to that it'll push them to reach out and contact you, maybe frequently. In my experience, that's what my ex did when I started the NC and when I broke NC, I told him it was best to have space with each other and not talk to each other for a while which was a horrible idea. It pissed him off to the point where he doesn't talk to me, not even to this day. So that could end the relationship/friendship for good. If you want to be friends with him still, I would recommend not to say anything. I mean, that's been from my experiences so far. I don't think everyone does this but everyone does things differently, depends on what happened.
CaliBabe Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 You girls are too sensitive. Where the bad b*tches at? Just go NC. No warnings. You wouldn't let your opponent know you were gonna hit them would you? NO, You would just do it. This person is your ex. Start treating them like it. 3
ponchsox Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 My GF dumped me out of the blue on the phone. Why on earth would I tell her why I was going NC? Screw her!! 2
greenfairie Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 My GF dumped me out of the blue on the phone. Why on earth would I tell her why I was going NC? Screw her!! Ouch. How come you're still so angry with your GF? Have you forgiven her? Not for her sake, but for yours.
theonlyjuan Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 Only problem I had going NC without saying was she still tried to talk to me. Mine spoke to me a few times while I was out and sent me a few msg's. I would never blank anyone that said hello to me, you just have to shut the conversation down quickly
Simon Phoenix Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 Telling them makes it seem like you are trying to manipulate them, that you are doing it as a con, a hustle, a ruse. If you want to show that you mean it, you don't make a big deal and a production out of it. You just do it. Once again, your naive nature is showing itself again. Oh well, you can't unsend the letter at this point. 3
ponchsox Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 Ouch. How come you're still so angry with your GF? Have you forgiven her? Not for her sake, but for yours. I have but this thread got me a little fired up
Pa76 Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 I let him know i didn't want to hear from him after he dumped me. i will not respond if he does. He is a selfish ass and he can waste another girls time cause he wasted enough of my time.
mtnbiker3000 Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 Ouch. How come you're still so angry with your GF? Have you forgiven her? Not for her sake, but for yours. LOL!!! This is one of the hardest things to do and takes probably the longest amount of time. Pretty sure ponchsox is relatively fresh in recovery. Cut him some slack. True forgiveness takes a lot of time and work. Carry on
Author Brown-Eyez Posted November 20, 2013 Author Posted November 20, 2013 Telling them makes it seem like you are trying to manipulate them, that you are doing it as a con, a hustle, a ruse. If you want to show that you mean it, you don't make a big deal and a production out of it. You just do it. Once again, your naive nature is showing itself again. Oh well, you can't unsend the letter at this point. ok at least this was more of a straight answer than everybody just reacting to me.. i just told him that cuz of how he treated me and wasn't showing that he liked me and even though i had feelings for him i couldn't see him anymore and wouldn't respond if he contacted me and that i never liked when he blanked on me so was explaining why i would be ignoring him maybe this is just showing that i'm the bigger person here? idk i'm confused now.. i just wanna treat someone decently he wasn't abusive just an idiot..so why be impolite?
Simon Phoenix Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 ok at least this was more of a straight answer than everybody just reacting to me.. i just told him that cuz of how he treated me and wasn't showing that he liked me and even though i had feelings for him i couldn't see him anymore and wouldn't respond if he contacted me and that i never liked when he blanked on me so was explaining why i would be ignoring him maybe this is just showing that i'm the bigger person here? idk i'm confused now.. i just wanna treat someone decently he wasn't abusive just an idiot..so why be impolite? That was a really bad thing to write. You basically just told him that you were on the hook and that you were going No Contact because he wasn't doing what you wanted him to do. It looks like you are trying to force him into giving you what you want and that you are trying to be manipulative. You aren't showing you are the bigger person -- you are showing that you are the more desperate person, just like you have the entire time. You'd come off a lot more stronger, and someone he should take seriously, if you had just went No Contact without making a production out of it. This looks, in his mind, like another ploy by you to get him to come back to you as a boyfriend. And you told him you have feelings for him? Talk about pretty much giving up any leverage you might have. You aren't being impolite by not talking to him. When he broke up with you, he set you free. By not talking to him, you are only giving him what he asked for. You really need to stop this "well, I just want to be nice" crap. Being nice doesn't mean being a pushover. You are a pushover, an easy mark. We've told you this many times, but you refuse to listen. Sometimes you have to be the heavy, the jerk, the as*hole. This guy has been messing with you and you are still sucking up to him. The sooner you learn this and the sooner you wake up from this fantasy world you seem to live in, the better off you'll be. You treat people nice that deserve to be treated that way -- not people who are openly manipulating you to try to get in your pants. Wake up! I know this is harsh, but you are so painfully naive sometimes it hurts. 2
Author Brown-Eyez Posted November 20, 2013 Author Posted November 20, 2013 That was a really bad thing to write. You basically just told him that you were on the hook and that you were going No Contact because he wasn't doing what you wanted him to do. It looks like you are trying to force him into giving you what you want and that you are trying to be manipulative. You aren't showing you are the bigger person -- you are showing that you are the more desperate person, just like you have the entire time. You'd come off a lot more stronger, and someone he should take seriously, if you had just went No Contact without making a production out of it. This looks, in his mind, like another ploy by you to get him to come back to you as a boyfriend. And you told him you have feelings for him? Talk about pretty much giving up any leverage you might have. You aren't being impolite by not talking to him. When he broke up with you, he set you free. By not talking to him, you are only giving him what he asked for. You really need to stop this "well, I just want to be nice" crap. Being nice doesn't mean being a pushover. You are a pushover, an easy mark. We've told you this many times, but you refuse to listen. Sometimes you have to be the heavy, the jerk, the as*hole. This guy has been messing with you and you are still sucking up to him. The sooner you learn this and the sooner you wake up from this fantasy world you seem to live in, the better off you'll be. You treat people nice that deserve to be treated that way -- not people who are openly manipulating you to try to get in your pants. Wake up! I know this is harsh, but you are so painfully naive sometimes it hurts. thank you SimonPhoenix it is so much better for me if its layed out like this and you're not being mean just telling it like it is which i really really appreciate your effort in letting me know this i can see easier now the mistakes i'm making at least with this guy.. i might have lost leverage with him but since his bad behavior he'd have to do alot for me to ever consider him again.
Simon Phoenix Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 thank you SimonPhoenix it is so much better for me if its layed out like this and you're not being mean just telling it like it is which i really really appreciate your effort in letting me know this i can see easier now the mistakes i'm making at least with this guy.. i might have lost leverage with him but since his bad behavior he'd have to do alot for me to ever consider him again. I hope so. I hope you learn that it's up to him (and anyone else who dumps you in the future) to make all of the effort and its up to you to stay away until he proves that he's serious. 2
Author Brown-Eyez Posted November 20, 2013 Author Posted November 20, 2013 OP, I tend to think that everyone deserves a second chance. He got his, and he blew it. No more chances, ok? Ok! No more chances for him, sad but true. I'm done. i think after he let me down the way he did he knows it too. I won't hear from him again and in fact, I can't! hah! now i have to figure out how not to be so naive... maybe get tougher but still be kind?
StyleOnEm Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 That was a really bad thing to write. You basically just told him that you were on the hook and that you were going No Contact because he wasn't doing what you wanted him to do. It looks like you are trying to force him into giving you what you want and that you are trying to be manipulative. You aren't showing you are the bigger person -- you are showing that you are the more desperate person, just like you have the entire time. You'd come off a lot more stronger, and someone he should take seriously, if you had just went No Contact without making a production out of it. This looks, in his mind, like another ploy by you to get him to come back to you as a boyfriend. And you told him you have feelings for him? Talk about pretty much giving up any leverage you might have. You aren't being impolite by not talking to him. When he broke up with you, he set you free. By not talking to him, you are only giving him what he asked for. You really need to stop this "well, I just want to be nice" crap. Being nice doesn't mean being a pushover. You are a pushover, an easy mark. We've told you this many times, but you refuse to listen. Sometimes you have to be the heavy, the jerk, the as*hole. This guy has been messing with you and you are still sucking up to him. The sooner you learn this and the sooner you wake up from this fantasy world you seem to live in, the better off you'll be. You treat people nice that deserve to be treated that way -- not people who are openly manipulating you to try to get in your pants. Wake up! I know this is harsh, but you are so painfully naive sometimes it hurts. Quoted for emphasis. Everyone is lucky to have you on this forum, Simon. Your advice is gold and truly you remind me of that guy from Tough Love on VH1.
smuggy95 Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 the worst part is if you are all : Oh I can't see you can't talk to you and then they're thinking: I wasn't planning on seeing/talking to you anyways... better to NC without fanfare, as Simon said, and then place your boundaries seriously and quietly when they go in for breadcrumbs.
Haydn Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 Disappear, go to the Bahamas if you can, NC is the only way. I keep repeating as many others do. Why would you let them know??????? Its not their business anymore what you do! Its hard yes and sometimes i feel like i should...But i dont. She does not deserve me anymore. No contact like the others said. Take csare.
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