Sometimes (no, always) I so wanna reach out...

[sambo77]

Ummmm...I dunno why...but ever since the very last moment of contact I had with her 31 days ago (and I remember it as though it were 31 secs ago...I sent her a text asking if she'd mind if I clarified something...she said no...I asked if she thought we might have another shot...she ignored me but was online...I felt soooooooo disrespected it hurt...and I, pathetically, said I was sorry if that question was awkward) I have harboured the idea that I'll one day test the waters again.

 

Deep, deep in the recesses of my mind I feel like (and have always felt like) I'm going to see if she would respond to me reaching out. I guess, if I'm honest, I still love her and cannot believe that she doesn't think fondly of me or realise that we had something special. I fantasise in my head about reaching out and I've even written the message I think I'd send.

 

So...I'm NOT over her at all. I haven't left her behind. I'm still very much in love with her.

 

Given this, I often ask myself WTF I'm not reaching out to her then? Surely one more rejection would obliterate my lingering hope and I could leave her behind?

 

The answer is that I'm absolutely f&ckin paralysed by some sort of fear or block. I just could not bring myself to contact her now. I'm literally petrified of the idea. Even writing about it here increases my anxiety 100-fold. But what am I scared OF? I guess the rejection, the thought she's moved on, the thought she has another guy, the thought that she might even have forgotten me.

 

Since this all happened there have been two alternative "worlds" taking place in my head.

 

In the first, she is missing me like hell, she loves me and knows what she's lost, but she's too ashamed and proud to let me know...so she's holding off out of fear...like me. When this world opens up I feel better and a spark of hope arises.

 

In the second, she's banging some new dude, removed all traces of me from her life, never gives me a second thought, and thanks God for her seeing the back of me. When this world opens up I feel like Mike Tyson just thumped me in the balls (after biting off my ear).

 

Confirmation that either of these worlds were reality would have a profound effect on my existence. The second would put another bullet into my nearly-dead body and engulf me with feelings of inadequacy and pain. The first would...well...in one way it would be my escape from this sea of rejection, pain, and abandonment (although in another way it'd raise a few problems of its own too).

 

So I...I just do nothing...paralysed in a strange limbo-state of fear. But I so wanna know which of those two worlds is true...not knowing provokes the sort of anxiety I imagine you'd feel if your loved ones had been involved in a plane crash, killing 50%, but you're not yet sure if your loved ones are among the dead...so...excruciating.

 

I feel kinda gutless that I'm NOT just able to reach out and be done with it?!

[Brown-Eyez]

this agonizing decision you're laboring over

keeps her REAL

 

once you stop even imagining that contact with her is possible

then you have really let go

 

your mind is playing tricks on you

distract it in any way possible!

 

i just read the book, Penpal by Dathan Auerbach

and that got my mind to let up for a little while..

[LostConfused123]

Wow! You described that perfectly. It's terrifying, I know.

I don't really have advice but just wanted you to know I know exactly how you feel and my thoughts are with you!

Best of luck to you in this horrible journey. Hope you come out the other side as fast as possible.

[AnyaNova]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/430567-had-contact-ex

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/438226-i-do-not-understand-mentality-all

 

Both of these fallout from contacting him.

 

Please. Read carefully. Read the ensuing and increased pain. Yes, some of it coincided with bad vitamin deficiency mood crashes. But it still did set me back very badly.

 

Learn from my mistakes.

 

Please, find a way to control that desperate little kid inside you that wants assurance that everything's going to be okay and defines that assurance as getting her back.

 

The longer you can, the closer to healing you will be.

[xpaperxcutx]

You need to learn to let go.

 

You unhappiness is your own doing becuase you refuse to let her go.

 

You are only torturing yourself.

Get busy and find ways to distract yourself.