Things you about him or her that you didnt like

[GeneralJennyJenn]

-he constantly lied even about small stupid stuff that didn't matter

-he scammed/frauded over 50 people with online ebay/paypal transactions and did go to jail at one point blaming his brother

-he on occassions stole money from me and NEVER ever paid me back

-he put me down, what I wore, my culture, my language, my friends

-he was racists (despite being a person of color) and would use the most foul language making me so uncomfortable

-he drove like a maniac and my heart would be in my throat every time he was driving, very scary

-he wasn't reliable especially the last 2 years of the 5 plus years we dated

-he was always unhappy and threatening to kill himself whenever I would try to end things

-he would break and destroy my things and personal mementos

-he forbid me to have guy friends unless they were fat and bald

-he never cleaned up after himself or did much household chores saying it was 'my job' and even though I was working 2-3 jobs and he was not working at all!

-he never said Thank you or appreciated the things I did like cook or make a nice holiday for us

-he constantly would act passive and aggressive towards me

-he could never get enough sex, was always looking at porn and near the end was cheating on me

-he struggled with his weight, something he dealt with all his life and when he put on weight he would blame me saying I caused him stress

-he made me miserable and cry almost daily and then would act apologetic promising to make amends but never did and the cycle would start up again the next day

-he puts me down even after we broke up when I am clearly happy with my life he makes remarks like 'clubbing? You still going out and doing that?!' because since the break up I have discovered I love to dance and it makes me feel good. He put me down too when I was involved with a Zombie run recently and had a blast but he feels the need to rain on my parade.

-he hated my mother and hates his family, doesn't have really any friends and would make me feel bad because I have so many friends and was always busy on the weekends doing things

-he was a control freak, I wasn't allowed to make any changes to our apartment such as moving furniture around. He would pitch a fit

-he is an inconsiderate jack-a$$ who cares about no one but himself!

[todreaminblue]

Well the stuff I didn't like...

He loves "suicide girls" (tattooed soft porn girls...whores)

He would look at girls big time when we went to car shows

He didn't put effort in to see me

Always looking at car stuff even while watching movies

Never communicated how he felt

He seemed like he wanted to appear like one person when around certain friends

Didn't tell me truth about his first ex...she was stripper whole time they dated...who dates that trash????

Stopped doing the little things

Wasn't very affectionate

 

Hate him

 

 

hey, not all strippers are trash..like not all ex hookers or hookers are trash either.......guys who see them and drool looking at them and who grope them are trash..........deb

[Dumped85]

That she kept important relationship concerns to herself.

[Meadowgreen]

Wow. Think we're all agreed that we're better off without these nutbags, eh?

[curly sue]

He was an irresponsible man-child.

He never EVER thought about the consequences of his actions, including big-picture repercussions that affected not only him, but me as well.

He complained about everything, every. single. day.

He never acknowledged the good things in his life (there were many, let me tell you).

He was an irresponsible man-child.

[koncreterose]

(just dumped my bf two days ago so this is nice to get off my chest)

 

-you ran hot and cold ALL THE TIME (one week I would hear from you everyday and 'I love you' and then the next week I'm the only one initiating contact and half of the time the conversations are short even though, when I asked about it, you said you 'weren't really busy that week')

-you 'fell out of love with me' numerous times in our relationship

-you rarely apologized for things that hurt my feelings (my feelings weren't valid; I overreacted)

-you didn't take me out on a date for the last YEAR of our relationship

-you wouldn't introduce me to your family (or even tell them that I existed) after two years of dating

-you went out of town for Valentine's day and didn't even suggest doing something some other time

-you didn't acknowledge our anniversary (the first year or the second)

-most importantly, you didn't make time for me. Even though I asked you to for what felt like half of our relationship (seeing someone that you're in a serious relationship once a week is too much to ask. You were fine with once every two or three or four weeks and I should've been okay with it bc you were 'busy'. **** that, you make time for what you want to make time for. And we live 15 minutes apart!)

-even when you began to acknowledge your problems, you wouldn't change them ('I understand what you're saying. You're right. But I can't guarantee that things will change." "I have school. I have work." But I text you at times and you're off from work, at home watching tv.)

 

I deserve better and I'm sure that I'll find it :-)

[Meadowgreen]

(just dumped my bf two days ago so this is nice to get off my chest)

 

-you ran hot and cold ALL THE TIME (one week I would hear from you everyday and 'I love you' and then the next week I'm the only one initiating contact and half of the time the conversations are short even though, when I asked about it, you said you 'weren't really busy that week')

-you 'fell out of love with me' numerous times in our relationship

-you rarely apologized for things that hurt my feelings (my feelings weren't valid; I overreacted)

-you didn't take me out on a date for the last YEAR of our relationship

-you wouldn't introduce me to your family (or even tell them that I existed) after two years of dating

-you went out of town for Valentine's day and didn't even suggest doing something some other time

-you didn't acknowledge our anniversary (the first year or the second)

-most importantly, you didn't make time for me. Even though I asked you to for what felt like half of our relationship (seeing someone that you're in a serious relationship once a week is too much to ask. You were fine with once every two or three or four weeks and I should've been okay with it bc you were 'busy'. **** that, you make time for what you want to make time for. And we live 15 minutes apart!)

-even when you began to acknowledge your problems, you wouldn't change them ('I understand what you're saying. You're right. But I can't guarantee that things will change." "I have school. I have work." But I text you at times and you're off from work, at home watching tv.)

 

I deserve better and I'm sure that I'll find it :-)

 

Wow. Doucebag alert. What a lazy, immature sack of whatever you had to contend with! You WILL find better than him. Just knowing that you deserve better is a start.

[im_thedude]

• How she would never apologize for something until after I pointed out how upset she made me and basically asked where my apology was
  
• Her complete lack of compassion whenever I had moments of weakness
  
• Her ability to turn a problem I had with her into some problem she had with me
  
• Never taking the blame for a problem until well after significant damage has already been done
  
• How whenever I wasn't happy with something she was doing, she would defend her actions by pleading the "just wants to be herself" card and continue doing it, no matter how upset it made me
  
• Her blaming me for not allowing her to "be herself" when I asked day in and day out what she wanted to do, I offered to try new hobbies with her or even just drive her to the place so she could do it on her own. And I always encouraged her to hang out with her friends
  
• Her victim mentality
  
• Her hypocrisy
  
• How she only communicated her problems with the relationship in the heat of arguments and never really took the time to fix things between us
  
• Her ultimate sheer lack of loyalty, compassion, and communication
  

[Meadowgreen]

• How she would never apologize for something until after I pointed out how upset she made me and basically asked where my apology was
  
• Her complete lack of compassion whenever I had moments of weakness
  
• Her ability to turn a problem I had with her into some problem she had with me
  
• Never taking the blame for a problem until well after significant damage has already been done
  
• How whenever I wasn't happy with something she was doing, she would defend her actions by pleading the "just wants to be herself" card and continue doing it, no matter how upset it made me
  
• Her blaming me for not allowing her to "be herself" when I asked day in and day out what she wanted to do, I offered to try new hobbies with her or even just drive her to the place so she could do it on her own. And I always encouraged her to hang out with her friends
  
• Her victim mentality
  
• Her hypocrisy
  
• How she only communicated her problems with the relationship in the heat of arguments and never really took the time to fix things between us
  
• Her ultimate sheer lack of loyalty, compassion, and communication
  

 

Guys, I'm starting to realise something... not only is this exercise great for identifying what we don't want in a partner...it's also good for telling us what negative behaviour WE have to either avoid or work on while in a relationship. I read some of your answers and I must admit, I squirm in my seat to know I have been guilty of some stuff. Not so much the terrible things (infidelity, abuse, narcotics etc) but certainly the smaller stuff (jealousy, self absorption, victim mentality etc)

 

I love this forum more and more every day

[Mario79]

im_thedude, sounds like my ex and yours were emotionally the same person.

 

I agree with you meadowgreen, I have read some that I was guilty of, I think it was Anyanovas response.

 

But mainly if you are coping, and you read these responses and go, hey you know what that sounds familiar.

 

Seeing them written down makes does make you think.

[AnyaNova]

im_thedude, sounds like my ex and yours were emotionally the same person.

 

I agree with you meadowgreen, I have read some that I was guilty of, I think it was Anyanovas response.

 

But mainly if you are coping, and you read these responses and go, hey you know what that sounds familiar.

 

Seeing them written down makes does make you think.

 

What about my response? Though I did allow a lot of things from him since he was so relationally inexperienced!

[Nyclovin]

I don't like that she left me

[Mario79]

Well you said:

 

he completely lacked the ability to stand up for his own needs, wants, desires, and identity

 

I would neglect my own needs at times, and would avoid saying no to her in order to avoid conflicts. It placed a great strain on me at times. The problem also was that I did tell her what I wanted, and sometimes she just blew me off.

 

Those are self esteem issues though.

[AnyaNova]

Well you said:

 

he completely lacked the ability to stand up for his own needs, wants, desires, and identity

 

I would neglect my own needs at times, and would avoid saying no to her in order to avoid conflicts. It placed a great strain on me at times. The problem also was that I did tell her what I wanted, and sometimes she just blew me off.

 

Those are self esteem issues though.

 

So, ya know, don't do that anymore. :-p :-)

 

I think, too in communication, though, we tend to tell our partners what we need, in the way that we would understand, but if there are large communication differences (Tim was an ISFJ. I? Was not), we can make the mistake of telling them the way we would hear it and understand it, but not the way that they are built to be able to hear and understand it.

 

This is not to say that she didn't blow you off. She very well may have.

 

But I know in my relationship, I made the mistake of too many times not being careful to translate it to a way that what I was asking would make sense to him, seem logical and understandable to him, and so that he would even really understand what I was truly asking.

 

But, please work on those self-esteem issues. I know that in my relationship, one issue he had totally threw my self-esteem for a loop, and I think that really hit the relationship at a sensitive point, and it reached critical mass. Frankly, I spent a lot more time grieving for what we built after the breakup, than what we did before (save for the first highly giddy couple of weeks).

[Mario79]

In my case I was blown off, I know cause she just changed plans even though I stated what I wanted. Funny I know about Myers Briggs because of my introverted nature and am ISFJ as well. I knew this already though. As well the way I normally deal with conflict is by backing off and letting things cool down, while she was hands on needed to fix it inmediately which lead to our break up.

 

I am at cross roads in my life where things converged. So yeah I am working on the self esteem, not having friends, my passion in life, understanding myself better, over all just learning to love myself more and not letting my happiness depend on anyone. Things I have neglected for too long and have now reach critical mass and she was my catalyst.

 

But enough about me. Please keep posting lists, as I believe it can help in coping.

Edited November 29, 2013 by Mario79

[ariesgirl-328]

Haha well I'd love to join in but then I'd have to share my faults too because he was a good guy:

 

-took 10 hours to tell one damn story, and basically spoiled every new movie for me

 

-wanted me to be detached from my family but clung onto his for dear life

 

-Didn't make an effort to make things work at the end

 

-Was too sexual though he accepted my desire to stay a virgin til marriage at the beginning

 

-Was impatient

 

-Was money hungry and belittled people who couldn't afford what he had

 

-Was too conservative in his beliefs and thought anyone else that didn't agree with him was stupid

 

-Looked like an alien(I only see it now....)

 

-He never kept one promise, and blew off almost every date we planned

 

 

 

 

Problems with Me:

 

-I was unemotional(didn't know how to be at first because my family doesn't do the whole love/emotion thing)

 

-I was very negative

 

-I never stopped arguments or tried to fix them, just fought back or went silent

 

-I'm still in love with him

[ByMyself01]

-He blames everyone but himself for his issues

-He lacks proper communication skills

-He is very unpredictable. One minute he's okay, the next he's not

-He complains about any and everything

-He claims he doesn't like when his mom controls his life, but he always runs to her so she can control it

-Doesn't know what he wants in life

-Always talking negative about himself

[BeingMe]

OK, I'm in:

 

- He'd always make sure he did what he wanted to do, but put off anything he didn't...often for months on end

- He was always 'fine' and denied ever feeling angry (EVER) - turns out he's passive aggressive (diagnosed, but he denies it:rolleyes:)

- He liked provoking me to anger (but I own that I chose to react). It made him the 'good guy' and gave him an outlet for his own anger without being the 'bad guy'. He then used my reaction to internally justify any deliberate poor choices of his own

- He says sorry easily BUT DOESN'T MEAN IT! It's all just a means to avoid conflict. He admitted that he truly believes he's never wrong but doesn't care whether anyone else knows that, he knows it.

- He's never forgiven anyone for anything and has a mound of perceived hurts that he can use to mentally blameshift, rather than face up to his own poor choices.

- He needs constant ego kibbles. Lack of ego kibbles makes him cranky and resentful.

- He has HUGE mummy issues (both loves and hates her),can't really admit it and kept trying to put me in mummy role

- He has to be the 'good guy', no matter what...so guess how he kept casting me?

- He can be arrogant and enjoys being mentally superior to other people. One of his bugbears is that I have a very high IQ...higher than him

- He didn't like me doing any of his creative hobbies (even ones that had predated him) because he was always in competition with me (I wasn't) and worried I'd be 'better' than him.

- He's a man child who often uses learned helplessness to get the pity factor and to avoid doing things he doesn't like doing

- He lied and lied and gas-lighted because he....CHEATED!

- He's been a rubbish lover for most of our relationship

- After many years he finally read up on cunnilingus (because I bought him a book) and worked it out...so that he could use it on the OW

- He cannot face up to what he has done and tells people he left because I was so horrible to him (not because he had at least one PA and a couple of EAs, plus cruising on adult dating sites and CL)

- He tried to cake eat & is still in contact with OW & thinks I don't realise they're together

- He keeps trying to flirt with me...bet the OW doesn't know.

Edited December 2, 2013 by BeingMe