Just Started Dating Again

[stephy567]

Hi everyone,

 

My background: have been divorced 1 year and just now barely beginning to think about dating again. Have not had any kind of romantic anything during the 1 year period. I'm not looking for a serious relationship per se, maybe just someone to casually date. I have one child, a 3 year old.

 

Situation: I met a guy last week and he was very friendly. Making an effort to talk to me, noticing things about me (very small tattoo I have) and making conversation about it. I had to leave before I felt like he had the opportunity to ask me for my number. So, I called his workplace (where we met) and left a very general message for him with my name and number. It worked, he remembered me and called me. I missed the call, so he sent a text. We've been texting back and forth for about 5 days. He's a bit slow to respond sometimes, but not always. On the first day we began texting, he said he was glad we connected because he thought I was pretty, nice etc. That first day, he asked me what I was doing next week (this week). I said I am free Friday night. Since that first day, we have talked about other things (over text) but he hasn't addressed if we are doing anything Friday night.

 

It's now Tuesday. I'm driving myself crazy wondering what's going on. Are we going out or not? I'm wondering if because he asked and I told him I'm free Friday, he assumes we are doing something? I'd like to know for sure though, and would like to have an idea what we're doing. I know the obvious answer is just wait and see what happens, and obviously I will, but I'm just asking for opinions in the meantime. Sincere answers please. I know this is not a big deal for most people, but for me it's all I can think about right now. (We've been exchanging texts everyday for the past 5 days FYI)

Edited November 19, 2013 by stephy567

[d0nnivain]

Until you get specifics: time & location, you aren't going out Friday.

[Babolat]

If you need to know, ask. Something like "You mentioned meeting up this Friday, would you still like to meet then?"

 

I see no harm in this.

[stephy567]

It's Wednesday and still no definite plans, so yeah I'm gonna assume nothing is happening. Disappointing, but what can you do? Thanks for the input. Maybe he's just not that interested or has me on the back burner, which I shouldn't care about since I'm not looking for anything serious and if I'm not willing to make this a priority, I guess I shouldn't expect him to either, right? Just not used to it, because I've always had serious relationships, but now my child comes first so by choice whatever dating life I have will have to come second. Dating is so confusing.

Edited November 20, 2013 by stephy567

[Phantom888]

Are you sure he is not married? Maybe he is having second thoughts because he doesn't want to leave his wife?

[stephy567]

Well, I actually don't know anything about his relationship status, but I would assume based on our texts that he's single. However, I know I shouldn't assume. Anyway, if he has a girlfriend or if he's married and he's talking to me, then I would think he just wants something on the side. I don't think it would be that he's thinking of leaving his girlfriend or wife. Anyway, I'm not interested in home wrecking so yeah if I find out he is not single, then that's pretty much the end of things. However, it's too early for me to really know anything about that other than what he's telling me and he hasn't told me anything.

[stephy567]

It's Friday. We've still been texting everyday. He's super flirty. Yesterday, I tried to hint at him to make plans. By the end of the day, I just flat out told him "you know, it's been fun chatting over this past week, let me know if you're ever interested in meeting up." I didn't want to have to address making plans to go out (I was hoping he would since I've already been as aggressive as I'd like), but I also don't want to keep texting if he never intends on going out. I would be more casual about things, but he was the one who last week asked me what I was doing this week and suggested that we could meet up. So, I'm just wondering why we're not progressing down that path. It seems like he's interested, like I said he was the first person who suggested we meet up and he tells me things like he thinks I'm hot, etc. I'm starting to think he does have a girlfriend and is just having fun texting on the side and doesn't ever intend to take it beyond that.

[Gottabestrong]

How did he reply to your last text? I agree that it sounds like he is not really interested in meeting you, he might be seeing someone else or just enjoy the attention, but if you are looking for someone to date, I would stop chatting with him unless he asks you out.

 

Good luck!

[stephy567]

He replied that he's really into hanging out with me but his schedule is crazy right now because of overtime that he's working (he's a law enforcement officer). He then asked me what days are good for me.

I thought this was an ok answer and maybe he's just trying to be nice and ask when I am available (although I already told him last week that I am available today).

My friends think this is a really non-committal answer and doesn't ease the suspicion that he has a girlfriend.

I don't know what to think. I know he went out last Saturday night with friends so it seems like he has some free time, and he isn't taking very much initiative with getting together this weekend (today and tomorrow).

[stephy567]

So, after not much communication through the weekend, today he asks me if I'm working today to which I reply yes. Then he suggests meeting up tomorrow at 6 am. The more I talk to others and read online, the more I see that it is the norm for law enforcement officers (LEOs) to work really odd hours and to work a lot of over time in one week. So, I guess if he is really busy and works really odd hours, 6 am is just when he can see me. This is just so different from any experience I've had. Apparently he ends one shift at 4 am and then is going to meet me at 6 am and then has another shift at 8 or 9 am. I'm not sure whether to believe him even though I know LEOs have really strange schedules. It's also not easy for me to meet up at 6 am tomorrow since I work at 8:30 am. I'm also at a loss for how a first meeting/date goes at 6 am. Usually a first date is dinner and then if that goes well, then maybe something after. I feel like this will be coffee/breakfast and then it's over.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Will you freakin stop analyzing this bull crap to death, filling in little answers and ideas based on your own thoughts and let me guess? female friends advice? good god.

 

The guy didn't even ask you out, he's basically just touching base every once in a while but like an obsessed child that can't wait to play outside you keep going and going and going insistent on making this guy ask you out...who knows what the hell his interest is at this point, you're doing all the damn work! and why because you "like" the guy? really stephy? we totally couldn't tell...is this how you normally act....call men at their office, leave your name and number then continue to hint to being asked out like they're retarded and can't come up with that miraculous idea themselves?

 

He knows already! you're just laying it all out there on a silver platter for the guy...who knows if he's got a gf, or married or whatever...but nooo you're going to fill in the blanks with all these excuses like if the guy couldn't tell you anything himself like he has no mouth or finger but you're going to have all these little mini conversations in your own mind about why he's doing this or that...my goood, it irks me when women do this crap and then wonder why romeo wasn't that interested in after all.

 

Look, stop making excuses for yourself...yes you're new to dating, yes you "don't know how to do things anymore"...obviously, but guess what, a million other women out there supposedly do and do the same crap as this....you need to just relax, you need to stop having your head spin for men you haven't even been on a date with...imagine if this guy kissed you or slept with you, you're going to be like one of these obsessed women who's put all their eggs in one basket.

 

I'm sure there are tons of advice about this on the internet and people for you to talk to about this, don't use the "I'm new to dating" card just do allow yourself to do every dumb thing there is as well as say "well I'm not looking for anything SERIOUS" which allows you once again to do every dumb idea in the book.

 

I know I'm completely wasting my time trying to talk sense in to but I hope by some miracle you just take your time and stop trying to rush in because this is exactly what you're doing...it's not going to take you more than two seconds to get hooked into this guy even though he's done nothing to pursue you and you've done practically everything but throw your underwear or bra at his face to get his attention....somebody help this woman before I lose my mind.

[stephy567]

Well......ok.....duly noted.

I didn't really think I was rushing in since this is the first anything I've had resembling anything romantic after a year. This is also not the first guy who has shown interest in me during that time. Anyway, I see your point and you're right I should just not care as much.

Edited November 26, 2013 by stephy567

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well......ok.....duly noted.

I didn't really think I was rushing in since this is the first anything I've had resembling anything romantic after a year. This is also not the first guy who has shown interest in me during that time. Anyway, I see your point and you're right I should just not care as much.

 

You can't go chasing after a guy like this, it makes you way too available...men need a challenge and want to feel like they're pursuing, it's like carrying heavy bags up the stairs but you tell the guy no you can do it and he just follows you from behind feeling like a jack-@ss watching you struggle with these bags...you let him carry the bags not because you can't but because that's what he wants to do and needs to do to feel like a man (american culture).

 

You're taking all the mojo, all the suspense, all the motivation and interest in pursuing a woman that he "might" be interested in, assuming that he's even available...did you even ask? I mean you're the one that called the guys office and left your name and number geez, that's when you should have cooled off...you're making all the moves so now he's invited you out to coffee and donuts at 6 am (woohoo let's celebrate with pancakes!) or whatever it is...that's how desperate he might feel you're coming off, otherwise this guy might have thought "Well I need to take her out on a proper date" but then you keep dropping hint after hint and he's like "Well shet, maybe I just need to meet this woman and get things moving along, she seems pretty anxious and willing" - automatic standard drop, you're bumped down a tier too compared to the other women that he's interested in if any that are playing the "busy" card too.

 

So what are you going to do? wake up at butt-crack of dawn or before dawn at 4:30 just to try and get dolled up or not too dolled up for your date at 6 am in the morning? you need to reschedule that date.

 

And stop thinking about where you are coming from, that doesn't matter...he doesn't know it or your history or who you are, you're allowed to act "normal" and not chase men down until they ask you out...women like you get into it with men who are half-interested in them and then the guy drops like you a rock two weeks later and you're all crawling on the floor and all hurting until two weeks later you meet another guy and do the same crap again.

Edited November 26, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas

[stephy567]

Your advice is solid for any girl who wants a long term boyfriend. I've always done things as you've described and that's how I've always been in long term relationships that I eventually was the one to break off. I certainly wouldn't be acting this way if I wanted him to see me as girlfriend material. I don't know how much your advice applies to a fwb situation. I do appreciate you taking the time to write out all that you did and I am not meeting him at 6, because that's just crazy.