I'm stuck

[Lola Roberts]

Hi there,

 

I'm new to this site and wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this. I was involved with someone and madly in love (I’m not over him yet). We were friends for a while and then got involved and as soon as we had, he told me about his GF and their long-term messed up relationship, how neither of them were faithful to each other and they didn’t live in the same city, that they were apart more than they’re together and other issues too. I loved him deeply but struggled with being the other woman. This was not a situation I had ever been in or expected to ever be in. He would also give mixed messages. I felt pushed away at times but it also felt as though he wouldn't let me go. To cut a long story short, eventually I ended it because it was clear he wasn’t going to leave her. I moved to another city. Despite this, we stayed friends and kept in touch. Even met up once and he told me he had the same strong feelings and loved me (even had tears in his eyes) but it was still clear to me that he wasn’t going to leave her or that he would necessarily commit even if he was single. Fast forward a few months and we were in contact electronically all the time – so involved in each other’s lives, flirty messages, caring messages, he even joked about him being a kept husband if I got a job I was going for (not sure what that was about), and several other references implying he was more than a friend. Then he asked if he could come and stay with me. Despite everything that had happened, I said yes because I still loved him. But having asked to come and stay, he never completely committed even though he had committed to seeing the GF and also another friend. One evening, I TOTALLY lost it with him – saying that I didn't think he should come and stay and that I thought I deserved a proper relationship, etc. didn’t he? It all came out. Months and months of hurt feelings and bottled fear and anger - all flew out. He then said he’d never felt as much as I had. Made out that he had at times thought we were in touch a lot but thought that was okay because we trusted each other as mates, that I had wanted a LT relationship before and he hadn’t. Then strangely also that he would probably be gutted when I’m in a proper relationship with someone else. That confused me all the more and made me angrier with him. The whole thing was devastating. I didn’t know what was/had ever been real. After that conversation, we both took a massive step back from each other. We’ve sent occasional messages but he’s never explained why he said he loved me/felt the same and months later said he’d never felt the same. Why he got SO intensely involved in my life/asked to visit, but did not commit 100% having asked. I don't hate him and know it takes two to tango and I hate the way I exploded. When the feelings completely change, I would like to be friends but that will take some time and I’m not sure I can get to that point without an explanation from him for what was going on from his side. I'm still really hurt and confused about what happened there. He's not giving me much of a clue. I wonder if any of you can?

 

Thanks

Lola

[Quiet Storm]

It sounds like he would not make a good partner for anyone.

 

Many people float through life with no direction & no clue as to what they really want. They often live in the moment. They don't consider how their actions affect other people & leave a trail of broken hearts.

 

It's likely that he liked you and really enjoyed spending time with you- during the time you were together & interacting electronically. However, his feelings were fleeting. Since he lives in the moment, he doesn't feel any responsibility to keep those feelings alive. He is an opportunist, and takes what others are willing to offer. He enjoyed the feelings that you inspired in him, but doesn't want anything deeper.

 

These types of people are often oblivious to the harm they cause to others. They assume others are as shallow & impulsive as they are, and often do the "you took me too seriously" routine when someone actually has expectations or believes them. It shifts the blame from their own inconsiderate behavior, and blames the other person for being too trusting. They thrive on attention, but you should not mistake their interest for love. It's all about what you can do for them.

 

This is not some great love that you losing. This is an emotionally stunted, immature, selfish individual. He has issues, issues that no woman can ever fix.

 

Instead of viewing it as a loss, change your perspective. You have saved yourself even more pain & heartache. You will be OK. He's no prize, and you deserve a lot better. You are the winner here.

[Iguanna]

It's the typical story of a guy having a long distance relationship with the love of his life but he can't stop being a player also so he seeks the company of other women to pass his time and feel less sad about how he misses his gf. He says what you want to hear "I got problems with my gf, she makes me miserable, I'm thinking to end it and find something new bla bla" so you take the bait, you start to hope, he achieves his goal and when you start asking for more he says "omg I don't have a clue why you thought I felt something more for you, after all you knew I had a gf" (who you hated as you said you bastard!).

 

You are lucky this happened kinda fast. You deserve better. I feel sorry about his gf. The worst type of man is a player.

[Lola Roberts]

Thanks Quiet storm and Iguana. It helps to get other people's perspectives. It didn't happen that quickly - has been a while since it happened too and the electronic side of things lasted for a while. He never said he would leave her and they know about each other so in a sense, she's part of it. He has said time and time again though that he knows their relationship is messed up and that it's messed him up. The way I see it though, he's chosen to stay with her all this time. It doesn't work when they're together but they won't let each other go. Anyway, I have to find a way to move on and learn from this. If I'd been looking after myself, I'd have stopped it the second he told me about the GF - let alone allowing myself to get caught up in all this again.