Rimbaud59 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Text I received: I do love you but I have to be alone right now. My head is everywhere and my heart is broken and I need time to myself to heal. I'm really glad that we spoke though to clear some of the bad feeling. I want you to be happy now even if that means being without me. I'm sending to you all the best wishes in the world ----- Is this hinting that the door may be opened in the future?
me85 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 As hard as it is, try not to read too much into it. I've tortured myself over and over reading into things my ex has said & done. I'm chalking it up to him just being nice & nothing more. 2
chris21422 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I'm on the same boat my friend.. Give her time and space and don't contact her.. I know it hurts but try to just think that there is no "WE" in the future and just move on. My ex gf told me the same thing wanted to be alone.. she said in the future she doesn't know yet. after she said that I walked away and disappeared from her life. She contacted me after 3 weeks but not really much to read on it.. She might be missing me. who knows. Text I received: I do love you but I have to be alone right now. My head is everywhere and my heart is broken and I need time to myself to heal. I'm really glad that we spoke though to clear some of the bad feeling. I want you to be happy now even if that means being without me. I'm sending to you all the best wishes in the world ----- Is this hinting that the door may be opened in the future?
BC1980 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I've basically gotten the same things said to me by my ex. I've not decided to cut the cord completely and move on after months of BS. The best thing you can do it take it as final and move on. If they really want you back, they will come back. Go NC and don't mention the relationship to them. There could be hope for the future, but, at this point, the person is trying to stay on good terms in case they change their mind in the future. It's not because they actually want to be with you. It's a bad sign because it means the person doesn't know their emotions well enough to opt out or stay in. 2
BC1980 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I'm on the same boat my friend.. Give her time and space and don't contact her.. I know it hurts but try to just think that there is no "WE" in the future and just move on. My ex gf told me the same thing wanted to be alone.. she said in the future she doesn't know yet. after she said that I walked away and disappeared from her life. She contacted me after 3 weeks but not really much to read on it.. She might be missing me. who knows. My ex kept on contacting me until I had to tell him to stop. But he was really just trying to stay on good terms and had no intention of being in a relationship for me. He would send mixed messages like "Date someone else. But that would be really hard for me." "I want to set you free, but I want to hold out hope for the future too." "I think it could work a few years from now but not right now." "I love you, but I just don't know if we should get married." Mixed messages are really bad actually. You want to read good into them, but it really does not speak well of the person who is sending the mixed messages. A lot of what they do is fear driven. They make a decision to breakup, but they won't completely let go out of fear. Yet, they won't commit out of fear. I was with my ex for 3 years and didn't know where I stood with him at times. He would do a lot that implied he wanted marriage, but he would turn around and sabotage it a few months later. I bet you could look back and see the signs. I saw some in the beginning, but they were really subtle. It wasn't until about 2 years in that I really saw the signs. 2
xUnknown Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I've basically gotten the same things said to me by my ex. I've not decided to cut the cord completely and move on after months of BS. The best thing you can do it take it as final and move on. If they really want you back, they will come back. Go NC and don't mention the relationship to them. There could be hope for the future, but, at this point, the person is trying to stay on good terms in case they change their mind in the future. It's not because they actually want to be with you. It's a bad sign because it means the person doesn't know their emotions well enough to opt out or stay in. I just took everything you said and was able to apply it to my situation. My ex said many of the same things the OP said. She said stuff like "You deserve someone who is willing to work on it, right now I'm not willing to" (she has self esteem issues, just moved 3 hours for work - which I'm not too sure she's even enjoying. Essentially, she wasn't happy with her, she needed to work on her. She asked to remain friends and we ended on "good" terms...no fighting, pretty calm discussion...I wished her luck in the future and she said "I wish someday you can be apart of it". BC1980, you put it perfectly...she doesn't know where her emotions lie. Thats where we just gotta keep pressing on...taking it day by day. Rimbaud59 - I don't know how many days since BU you are, but when you hit around the 2 month mark it will get harder and harder. I'm around almost 8 weeks post "Break" and 6 post "break up"...I saw the break as a break up so that puts me right at the 2 months. I changed my entire mindset. Not wanting her back, knowing i deserve better, to completly wanting her to contact me, and wanting her back. I have since been NC and havn't texted her...Do not cave in. It will only set you back. Please go NC with this girl and don't respond to her crap. The holidays are coming up, shes going to get desperate....I know my ex will...I just have to keep staying strong and keep NC. 1
Author Rimbaud59 Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 (edited) Thanks Guys for the responses. I've read them all. It was 27 days No Contact, I think. I received that text the day after a much larger discussion. She basically, through the discussion, told me that she loved me but it was my fault that she dumped me and went with someone else (which has just ended). She said that my refusal to back her in a disagreement caused her head to be turned to someone who showed her the slightest bit of attention, and that's why she left me. That the choice I made not to support her (I was in an impossible position) took the relationship to a dead-end. Is that normal to be blamed? Is she trying to assauge her guilt to make herself feel better, or to build (bizzarre, I know) bridges for a future reconciliation - ie. justifying it to be my fault, so I don't distance myself, or feel ill of her? Then, just after I explained the reason for my refusal to back me, she told me that she loved me so much (it was a texting conversation) and it made her cry typing that. Though, I can't understand why she left me if she loved me. She obviously didn't, but I can't help but still want to be with her. Edited November 19, 2013 by Rimbaud59
xUnknown Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Thanks Guys for the responses. I've read them all. It was 27 days No Contact, I think. I received that text the day after a much larger discussion. She basically, through the discussion, told me that she loved me but it was my fault that she dumped me and went with someone else (which has just ended). She said that my refusal to back her in a disagreement caused her head to be turned to someone who showed her the slightest bit of attention, and that's why she left me. Is that normal to be blamed? Is she trying to assauge her guilt to make herself feel better, or to build (bizzarre, I know) bridges for a future reconciliation - ie. justifying it to be my fault, so I don't distance myself, or feel ill of her? Then, just after I explained the reason for my refusal to back me, she told me that she loved me so much (it was a texting conversation) and it made her cry typing that. Though, I can't understand why she left me if she loved me. She obviously didn't, but I can't help but still want to be with her. How long after the BU did you have the discussion, who initiated it? Just curious...I would say that yes, usually the dumper puts blame on the dumpee to make themselves feel better and less of their fault the relationship is ending...it is at attempt to ease their feelings about it.
Jmk21 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 My ex did the same with me. I was never on her side. If we were having an opinionated discussion why lie about your opinion. I guarantee it wasn't just that discussion that changed her mind.
Author Rimbaud59 Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 How long after the BU did you have the discussion, who initiated it? Just curious...I would say that yes, usually the dumper puts blame on the dumpee to make themselves feel better and less of their fault the relationship is ending...it is at attempt to ease their feelings about it. 35 days or so after break-up. The break-up caught me by surprise as I had hacked into her phone a couple of weeks prior and she was texting to friends that I was her best friend, and that she loved me so much, and that she really wanted to be with me, desperate to be with me. She initiated contact, and wanted to discuss the break-up and aftermath.
Kansas87 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I think it is pretty normal for the dumper to blame the dumpee, to some extent. In my case it happened because I just wouldn't except his first, "nice" reasons. I begged and fought until he started to list all the things he didn't like about me, things that were "wrong." In retrospect, if I just would have accepted his first break-up talk, I would have saved myself a LOT of pain. The thing is, it takes two. Even if you didn't do anything "wrong," per se, there are still things about you, as a person, that they may decide they are incompatible with, for whatever reason. Sometimes they're good reasons, sometimes they're dumb reasons, but that doesn't really matter. It's about how that person feels. Like, I hate sushi. I know everyone thinks it's the greatest food on earth but I can't stand the fishiness. Am I "wrong" for not liking sushi? The blame comes out of guilt, too. They DO (or did) love you, and they really don't want to hurt you. So to some extent they will try to protect you but after a while they will blame you so they don't have to feel guilty for hurting you. It also helps stave off the worry of having made a mistake, if they convince themselves (and you) that it was your problem all along. 1
Author Rimbaud59 Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 My ex did the same with me. I was never on her side. If we were having an opinionated discussion why lie about your opinion. I guarantee it wasn't just that discussion that changed her mind. You're probably (well, definitely) right. She's 22, and I was her first serious relationship. She is/was desperate to rekindle that infatuation stage with other people.
Author Rimbaud59 Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 I know this is mean-spirited, but we are all EGOISTIC, right? But she admitted to me that she had been feeling very sad about the break-up when she was with her new boyfriend, which she described as a horrible feeling. A little sadistic, but ultimately pleasing.
Crila16 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 No. She's not trying to get back with you or open the door. This woman genuinely feels horrible that she hurt you. She cares for you, but she's not in love with you. If she were, she wouldn't be wishing you well even if it's without her. In other words...it will be without her. It's so simple. If she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you. She's not with you...so there's your answer. Whether in the future she changes her mind or not...who knows. It's been known to happen. It's happened to me before. Not very often, but it's definitely happened...and then I want to go back and kick my younger self for having been so upset about that person...when they eventually did come running back and realizing they loved me. You don't know the future. It could or it may not happen. I can promise you one thing. If she does or doesn't...you will be happy again in love. Whether it's with her or someone else. Don't rule out meeting someone else. They may actually end up blowing this girl out of the water. 3
Author Rimbaud59 Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 No. She's not trying to get back with you or open the door. This woman genuinely feels horrible that she hurt you. She cares for you, but she's not in love with you. If she were, she wouldn't be wishing you well even if it's without her. In other words...it will be without her. It's so simple. If she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you. She's not with you...so there's your answer. Whether in the future she changes her mind or not...who knows. It's been known to happen. It's happened to me before. Not very often, but it's definitely happened...and then I want to go back and kick my younger self for having been so upset about that person...when they eventually did come running back and realizing they loved me. You don't know the future. It could or it may not happen. I can promise you one thing. If she does or doesn't...you will be happy again in love. Whether it's with her or someone else. Don't rule out meeting someone else. They may actually end up blowing this girl out of the water. Is being in-love the same as infatuation? Or is it something different?
Peanut9330 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 My ex told me something similar after he cheated and left me for another woman... Something along the lines of.... "I wish you all the best and if in the future I realize I made a mistake I'll be back for you" (how romantic) and why was he so cocky to think I would want him back especially after cheating on me.... Nonetheless I didn't want him back but he came back anyways after like 6 years. I’ve learned to never read into anything that's been said during the break up. It's the actions that matter don't get your hopes up just to get hurt again. 2
Author Rimbaud59 Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 As an aside, it frustrates the hell out of me that one gets dumped for not being in-love. This girl did actually fall-in-love with me, and did propose to me, and then a couple of months after that dumped me for 'we don't work anymore'. I'm sure in-love only lasts for a few months to a year, right?
Kizmet Fisher Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Text I received: I do love you but I have to be alone right now. My head is everywhere and my heart is broken and I need time to myself to heal. I'm really glad that we spoke though to clear some of the bad feeling. I want you to be happy now even if that means being without me. I'm sending to you all the best wishes in the world ----- Is this hinting that the door may be opened in the future? Magic 8-ball says: All signs point to no. 1
Crila16 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Completely difference. Eros and Agape. You want in between both. you don't want a total friendship and you don't want to have total infatuation. Infatuation jades a person feelings and skews their views on who the person really is. To love someone so deeply for who they are is even better than infatuation. This kinda of love lasts. You grow to become physically attracted to them, because they are such a beautiful person who makes your life wonderful. They will never betray you or let you down. Infatuation...you let the person walk all over you...just so long as they don't leave you, because you feel you can't live without them. You make excuses for their bad behavior...they can do not wrong. That's not love. ...and no...there isn't love at first sight. That is impossible. It's infatuation at first sight. 1
Author Rimbaud59 Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 Text I received: I do love you but I have to be alone right now. My head is everywhere and my heart is broken and I need time to myself to heal. I'm really glad that we spoke though to clear some of the bad feeling. I want you to be happy now even if that means being without me. I'm sending to you all the best wishes in the world ----- Is this hinting that the door may be opened in the future? Something she said in the discussion: I gave you everything, I wanted to forge my life and my future with you and you threw it all back in my face by saying you supported your ***** and not me
NoLeafClover Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Text I received: I do love you but I have to be alone right now. My head is everywhere and my heart is broken and I need time to myself to heal. I'm really glad that we spoke though to clear some of the bad feeling. I want you to be happy now even if that means being without me. I'm sending to you all the best wishes in the world ----- Is this hinting that the door may be opened in the future? I'd send that if I was trying to let someone down easy . 3
Crila16 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Infatuation only can last up to 4, maybe 5 years. Love lasts a lifetime, if it's real love.
ponchsox Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I tried for a month after our breakup to stay in contact. It just led to fights and prolonged the suffering. You owe it to yourself to move on.
NoMoreJerks Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Mixed messages are really bad actually. You want to read good into them, but it really does not speak well of the person who is sending the mixed messages. A lot of what they do is fear driven. They make a decision to breakup, but they won't completely let go out of fear. Yet, they won't commit out of fear. I was with my ex for 3 years and didn't know where I stood with him at times. He would do a lot that implied he wanted marriage, but he would turn around and sabotage it a few months later. That is just about the most despicable, selfish thing one can do to their ex. It's disgusting and pathetic and just makes me so angry that people do this stuff and have this sense of entitlement. Cake-eaters, is what I call them. They want to have their cake and eat it too. My ex pulled the same sort of sh*t with me, had his foot out the door all the time, out of fear of commitment, and yet, as soon as he left (broke up), he'd keep his foot in my door, and then return and ask for another chance. This happened 4 times. The fourth time, I had had enough, and I also found out he had cheated on me, and I just didn't want to continue with him anymore.
greenfairie Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 Infatuation only can last up to 4, maybe 5 years. Love lasts a lifetime, if it's real love. Is this for real? Mine lasted 4-5 years. I thought he was my great love. I don't know if I believe this.
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