Unable to move past argument

[glue808]

My bf and I have been dating 2 years and 3 months; we are about 6 hours apart right now.

 

It started as last Thursday and Friday he made plans to skype with me and we could watch a movie. I have work on Friday mornings, and he was out with friends on Thursday night. Once 9 pm came and left, I texted him and said so it's probably too late for a movie now? And he said yeah, let's do it tomorrow.

 

Friday late afternoon, I suggested a movie, and it went nowhere. Then before you know it, he writes me saying, "Well I've got work tomorrow morning, guess we're not watching a movie tonight."

 

After that, I was frustrated. I felt like... he's the one making the plans, doesn't he want to make sure he follows up and let's me know what is going on? Honest to God, before this, I always had to follow up with him. Otherwise, I'd be sitting around and not getting any answers but waiting on him. So I'd take control. This time I didn't, and it bothered me how he wouldn't follow up with me. We NEVER skype. It's been only about 5 times since August.

 

So he calls me. I tell him that I didn't like it and I wish he'd follow up with a date like it was a real date, that I wish he'd take control because I feel like I have to do it every time. Then it became about how he always had to call me after he worked. I told him that's not even comparable because at the time, he would get off work sporadically and worked all day. No idea when he was done. I said that he was making the conversation more dramatic because they were different situations. And he agreed...

 

From there... he twisted "dramatic" into "immature" and he said, "I won't be in a relationship where you can call me immature, but I can't call you immature. You can be immature. You are not as self-aware as you think. I can't be with someone who won't admit they are giving an attitude too."

 

I felt so confused. I had no idea where that came from. It really hurt me feelings... it's still been hurting me since Friday. The fact he gave me an ultimatum. The fact that I feel like... he doesn't really like me for who I am? I pride myself on being aware of what I do and what I say affects others- it's just what I do. I've haven't been treated the best in my past- and it's one thing I've learned. I got the feeling that he wanted to unload on me... things that he might feel deep down about me?

 

He said he wants me to tell him more often why I love him... I feel like what I do isn't enough. I feel like I do enough already. I feel like I'm being chained down, especially after this argument. I don't know who to be now with him.

[CherryT]

Did I miss something? What was the ultimatum he gave you?

 

He's right... if he can sit there and take criticism when he is being immature, you should be able to take the same when you are. Like you said, he works all day and sometimes people get caught up. Do you talk about how you feel? Or do you blow up on him when it happens? Being in a local relationship can already be difficult if two people don't know how to communicate properly. Factor in a long distance relationship and your communication is 10x more important.

 

This to me sounds like miscommunication but was blown out of proportion because of how you both handled it.

[glue808]

Well, he was let go from his job over a month ago. He doesn't work all day anymore; he works 16 hours a week. I'm the one who is busy and it's only going to get worse once next semester comes. I set time for him because he made the plans.

 

It only started as me asking him to follow up on plans he makes with me. I want to talk to him any chance I get because I'm busy, but then he wasn't following up with plans he made himself. It can be exhausting always being the one to make sure plans are solidified. When I back off the control, there's nothing that happens.

 

And like I said, from there, he exploded. Everything I had an answer to only was received with lots of things from all over the place.

 

What I have a hard time with is not getting upset. I get upset easy; I can be sensitive. It has been a process for me to talk about something that bothers me without feeling that way. And I have improved. He says that I get that way on my own and he says if I talked about it normally, then we wouldn't argue like we do. But it's not always like that. When I have successfully talked to him about something that bothers me, he can get very annoyed with me. He'll get annoyed with me and it easily comes across in his voice. How am I supposed to calmly talk about what upsets me if he gets annoyed? Then it's like he doesn't want to talk about anything... already setting me up for a failure.

 

He says that I should be able to just "stop". It's not that simple, it's hard to change something that has always been a part of who I am. It's been baby steps with my emotions, but I also meet that question at when I'm not supposed to trust how I feel?

[CherryT]

Well, he was let go from his job over a month ago. He doesn't work all day anymore; he works 16 hours a week. I'm the one who is busy and it's only going to get worse once next semester comes. I set time for him because he made the plans.

 

It only started as me asking him to follow up on plans he makes with me. I want to talk to him any chance I get because I'm busy, but then he wasn't following up with plans he made himself. It can be exhausting always being the one to make sure plans are solidified. When I back off the control, there's nothing that happens.

 

And like I said, from there, he exploded. Everything I had an answer to only was received with lots of things from all over the place.

 

What I have a hard time with is not getting upset. I get upset easy; I can be sensitive. It has been a process for me to talk about something that bothers me without feeling that way. And I have improved. He says that I get that way on my own and he says if I talked about it normally, then we wouldn't argue like we do. But it's not always like that. When I have successfully talked to him about something that bothers me, he can get very annoyed with me. He'll get annoyed with me and it easily comes across in his voice. How am I supposed to calmly talk about what upsets me if he gets annoyed? Then it's like he doesn't want to talk about anything... already setting me up for a failure.

 

He says that I should be able to just "stop". It's not that simple, it's hard to change something that has always been a part of who I am. It's been baby steps with my emotions, but I also meet that question at when I'm not supposed to trust how I feel?

 

You definitely have the right to be frustrated. I hate when someone makes plans with me and then doesn't show up... it's disrespectful.

 

It sounds like he's in a funk himself. He lost his job and can't seem to make you happy. It's not an excuse for him making plans and then failing to meet them... but at the same time if you're coming down hard on him and he's in a place where he can't process that (I've known a lot of guys who have gotten depressed when they lost their job. It really hits them hard), he will explode.

 

You're fighting fire with fire because on one hand you know you have a hard time not getting upset and can be sensitive and yet your boyfriend has told you already to just stop. Sometimes people get TIRED of talking about every little thing that makes you sensitive. Again, it's not an excuse for his behaviour of missing dates that you guys set, that's annoying. But I wonder what else you go after him about. To him, constant communication may not be a big deal to him. You need to discuss your expectations with him calmly. And just because you're not yelling doesn't mean you're calm. If you're talking to him and have a condescending tone, I would see why he starts feeling a bit annoyed.

 

You have to pick your battles. If you talk to him about how when he makes plans with you and you set that time aside and he doesn't show up, it hurts your feelings and he doesn't change? You need to make that decision on whether or not this relationship is giving you what you want and what you need.

[glue808]

He probably is... he's doing something that really is like a high school job, and he has a degree. So I can't imagine that is really that he's happy with. He's looking for other jobs in the meantime. Honestly, I personally don't feel like he really knows where he is going in his life. He has a Bachelor degree but doesn't really know what he wants to do. I want to be supportive, but he really is lacking the drive to keep shooting upward. He told me doesn't believe in goals... which I don't really understand. It's like being afraid of failure. Unable to make realistic goals.

 

We also talked briefly about what we're doing after I am done with my Master's degree. He accused me of only thinking of myself and not taking into consideration what he wants. He told me he doesn't want to leave Chicago area (where he is from). I made it clear when we first started dating that I don't want to live near Chicago, preferably out of the state. First he agrees, then he accuses me of being selfish. We didn't get to go any further than that because he started getting mad apparently because I wasn't doing what he wants. I feel like that really ties me down because I'm not willing to turn down a great job in another state because he wants to stay in this state. No use talking about it now, we said. Not until I start looking for jobs next year. Doesn't deny the fact that now I am thinking about whether our relationship will end in a years time.

 

Well, I don't really go after him that much, though it might appear that way to him. I think I come on here every time something happens. If you go back in my history, you'll see. I let a lot of minor annoyances go- not worth it. Every once in a while I find something very bothersome. If I don't talk about it, it just gets worse for me because I'll only get more emotional about it. So I talk about it. He told me he wants me to.

 

We did talk about what kind of communication we want. He likes to be told why I love him more than anything else. What I like is just to be talked to.. I like the "showing" not "saying" part of our relationship. There are so many different ways to show that you love someone. There are few ways to say it... I think it's spontaneous and shows more of the meaning.

 

I don't know, he made me feel pretty bad. Haven't talked to him much since then though he writes me. I just feel unhappy now. :/

[CherryT]

Well there are a lot of ways you show love and just because he sees it one way and you see it another doesn't mean either or is less important. Have you heard of love languages? Some people like to be "shown" like you said but others are verbal like he is. What makes it work is both people understanding the difference in which their partner feels and sees love and do their best to communicate it in their language.

 

In your post (I'm not going back on your other ones) you sound like you don't have much regard let alone respect for him. He probably feels that, after all you are completing your Masters and he's just doing a high school job. He probably doesn't feel like much of a man and whether he's in a temporary funk or not, he hasn't made any strides to really improve his situations, or so you think.

 

You're both in different places in your life and you're not willing to take him for who he is, even though you say he's not willing to take you for who you are. Maybe it's time for you both to take a breather?

[glue808]

Hmm. Respect. OK- I'm just going to be completely honest.

 

I think I've lost respect for him in the fact that he doesn't seem to try to go for anything anymore. He's become reliant on his parents to help him find a job (this one he has right now, as example, and when he was in high school). His mother even job-searches for him. He doesn't really take responsibility for himself to do well. This has been something that really began when we first started doing long-distance about a year ago-- when I left. He's a man, but his mom still does things for him. More and more, it's something I'm really having a hard time dealing with. I haven't felt like he is a "man" yet. I'm probably too hard on him... I'm this way with myself.

 

I come from a well-to-do family. We all work very hard. From the farm. Him, I don't know what's going on. I step away and support him all I can (really, aside from this argument we had); but I know he can do well for himself. I can't do it for him though.

 

I guess this is the root of the issue, perhaps?

[nomadic_butterfly]

Hmm. Respect. OK- I'm just going to be completely honest.

 

I think I've lost respect for him in the fact that he doesn't seem to try to go for anything anymore. He's become reliant on his parents to help him find a job (this one he has right now, as example, and when he was in high school). His mother even job-searches for him. He doesn't really take responsibility for himself to do well. This has been something that really began when we first started doing long-distance about a year ago-- when I left. He's a man, but his mom still does things for him. More and more, it's something I'm really having a hard time dealing with. I haven't felt like he is a "man" yet. I'm probably too hard on him... I'm this way with myself.

 

I come from a well-to-do family. We all work very hard. From the farm. Him, I don't know what's going on. I step away and support him all I can (really, aside from this argument we had); but I know he can do well for himself. I can't do it for him though.

 

I guess this is the root of the issue, perhaps?

 

Not to be harsh but it sounds like the two of you are incompatible in many many many ways. There are multiple roots. Different communication styles; unwillingness on both ends to learn, understand, and respond to the other. You probably come off as whiny and men hate nagging. He seems to appear as complacent, lackadaisical and flaky. Lifestyle differences/outlook on life are apparent here too.

 

Double minded people seldom changed. I think if you don't end up in Chicago it will also be problematic. I don't know how old you are, but unless marriage is already on the table not sure how worth it it would be to jeopardize your future job prospects over a shaky relationship.

 

I think if you see there are issues that are insurmountable...you already know what has to be done. Sorry

 

What do you like about him? What keeps you there? What does he like about you? What keeps him with you?

[glue808]

Well reading your comment made me call him and figure out what's going on. I realized that I was still bothered by some things and it was only going to get worse. We like to talk through things and such.

 

We talked just fine and I told him that when I start getting emotional like I do, what i feel at the time is that I really need some space to cool off, but he believes in staying on the phone until we hang up and everything is fine. But I told him that doing it that way forces me to deal with my emotion live on the phone and it would only get worse for the both of us. Most of the times I just need some space. Clear my head. I suggested we try doing something different next time we get in an argument. He wasn't excited about it, but he said we could give it a try.

 

Next, I've been thinking a lot of what you said about incompatibility. I feel like our values our different... we absolutely come from different backgrounds. The way his family is (2 older sisters), and my family (3 older brothers), are drastically different. When I think about us now, I think about our future. Before, I used to just think about the here and now. All I think about is whether I can accept some things in a marriage.

 

On top of that... he has anxiety and depression issues. His therapist told him last week that he obviously has alcoholism. He told me that last night his therapist said that, and he told me he had been drinking a lot after he lost his job. He never told me any of this. There is alcoholism on his dad's side. He said that he's cut it down to 2 beers a day for the past week now. He actually said that he'd drink so much at night that he'd do research and not remember what he was doing the next day.

 

It's just starting to feel like if I want to have a future with him... then I seriously need to start thinking about what kind of genes he's carrying. I've been thinking like this since we started another step in LD.

 

I'm going to see him next weekend for the second time in 4 months.