shocked74 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 (edited) I was with my ex-bf for a year and a half. from the time we met I knew he would have to go back to his country for two years for work. we built the relationship mostly in my country. then he went back to his to start a new job. I lived with him for the summer and came back home. a couple of months later he broke up with me by phone, less than a week before I was scheduled to see him. we had both struggled with the distance. he'd complained of depression and panic attacks, etc. my ex was a pretty tender man. when we were together, he really relished our domestic routines: cooking together, reading to each other in bed, hosting dinner parties. we also traveled together to a few different countries. I had tried to end the relationship a few times based on my own insecurity but was always talked into staying by my ex, claiming devotion to me and to us being able to get through the two years until he got back to my country. in the conversation that turned out to be our last, my ex said that missing me was unbearable for him, that after we spoke he couldn't concentrate for the whole day, that he felt like he was failing at his new job and failing me. he said that it was too hard for him to have his heart in a different country. right before the breakup, we had gone quiet for about two weeks. I hadn't wanted to phone or skype because I was worried about him but overwhelmed myself. I had asked to really talk and catch up in person because I was very stressed about family and work stuff and knew that I would be seeing him soon. the thing that hurt and confused me most was that he said all this just before a scheduled visit. I was so hurt amd offended that he wouldn't at least give us the chance to talk in person, comfort each other, and, if necessary, say goodbye with hugs and kissed. and I am utterly heartbroken. I miss him dearly. any thoughts about what happened here and if there is any way to put this back together? Edited November 19, 2013 by shocked74
nomadic_butterfly Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 (edited) Oh I am so sorry to hear. Well you know long distance relationships can be emotionally taxing and if marriage/long term partnership is not on the table, sorry to say but a breakup was probably most practical. If his health (mental and emotional) and his job are being compromised then it was in his best interest to depart. His love for you is clearly very strong but his mental and emotional are fragile. Seeing you again just to "say goodbye" would just shatter him even more into a million pieces. And chances are you will be pushing for reconciliation. I wouldn't fly across the world just to "say goodbye." Seems very devastating. All you can do is wait it out to see after the two years if things can be restored or move on. You really have to be solid as a rock to handle long distance. The guy I am talking to and I couldn't meet for various reasons including visa complications. Now I am not one to place all bets on someone from online whom I have not met in person yet, but, provided he has been 100% honest, I've never met someone I have been so compatible with and vice versa. We are both marriage minded too. Despite this fact, there were times when I told him I couldn't handle it and I told him no point in communications until he gets to the US. Well a few months past and we missed each other and reconnected but even now it is still tough. The only thing that keeps me going is we have now set a date to meet and based on his visa case number we have a decent idea when he will be here next year. I don't think human beings are naturally wired to be apart; we require closeness; interaction; intimacy. Technology can never take the place of that although it can make it more bearable. I hope it works out for you! Edited November 19, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly 2
justwhoiam Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 nomadic_butterfly's answer was very rational and objectively helpful. I just know it's a painful situation. Been there, seen that. When depression was almost getting the best of him, I took matters in my hands. Which was not me, really. Not because I'm a passive person, no. But in the relationship, I loved him having the lead, with my inputs all the times, of course. But when few days before leaving he said "maybe it's better if you cancel...", I said NO. I told him he could decide not to see me, anyway. I realize I was brave, beyond imaginable. But I did the right thing. I also had to go there and support him in a difficult time. He couldn't not see me knowing I was there. And later told me he was the best visit ever. I know what it feels like having your plans going/gone haywire. It's more acceptable, still dramatic if it's because of a hurricane. It's unbearable, if it's because he's trying to end things with you or thinks it's not the right moment. Love matters can be traumatic. Also, I don't take things lightly ever... or almost never. I have this nineteenth-century approach with any love issue, unconditional love winning over anything that is kind anachronistic nowadays. But I guess it also played a part on us still being together, mainly because it shows my irresistible tenacious commitment, that joined to his love made it impossible for us to part ways. In the end though, I guess you did the right thing. He was obsessing while being away, and couldn't get past the short-term difficulties.
d0nnivain Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Not everybody can handle an LDR. The only thing I can think of as a reason for his timing is that he didn't want to go through the additional pain of seeing you then letting you go again when the IRL parts were fresh in his mind.
Author shocked74 Posted December 3, 2013 Author Posted December 3, 2013 I wish I had had the courage to go anyway. two things kept me from doing so: he sounded so awful that I didn't have the heart to make him go through an in-person breakup, when he seemed to be doing something that he needed to do despite the emotional fallout for both of us. second, I had been counting down the days to see him, and I felt so totally rejected and offended that there was no one on the other end just so thrilled at my arrival. I have never felt so deeply in love and so summarily dismissed at the same time. I don't think I can ever talk to or see him again. 1
justwhoiam Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I have never felt so deeply in love and so summarily dismissed at the same time. I don't think I can ever talk to or see him again. I feel for you. Many of us do know what it feels like. Sadness will eventually go away. 1
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