OW feeling like a BS? WT..?

[SolG]

I first came to LS earlier this year after going through my MM's phone (with his consent) and seeing all the loving texts between he and his W. Up until this point I had completely and whole heartedly been under the impression that he had spent the last 18 months working towards ending his R with his BS. And those texts were (to me) completely at odds with that path.

 

I had a melt down. Drank a lot. Got sad. Got angry. Said I was leaving... and didn't. More than once. Posted, and read and read and read here at LS and other sites and books. In the end his assertions that I was interpreting it all wrong, that he was still on track... yadda, yadda... you know the deal... Won me over. And I stayed. Far less naive and accepting; but still here.

 

Then MM and his BS has a DDay. And I started to spend more time on the infidelity board and read what BSs go through. I also bought some books and listened to some podcasts... And then it hit me. I have been behaving and feeling like a BS!

 

In the aftermath of those initial texts I read, obviously I couldn't demand NC, but I did demand full disclosure. I'm not so sure that I have it all, but I do have all his email accounts and passwords. And Facebook. I also check his phone regularly; not every time I see him, but frequently. And I do check all the accounts, all the time! Obsessively if I'm in a funk :-(

 

Every email and text between them I read is like a knife. Ever term of endearment cuts me to the core. They're not like our exchanges... but still...

 

And sometimes I rage at him, or cry, or both... Sometimes I do these things when I'm alone. Sometimes I feel so insecure it frightens me.

 

When he's at home with his W sometimes I just can't seem to stop wondering what they're doing and then I get his email updates and wish I didn't know.

 

I fear them going through 'hysterical bonding' (which I've only just learnt about). I can't abide the thought of them having sex. It eats at me. (We made a vow to only have sex with each other over two years ago, then we stopped using protection.)

 

But it hasn't been easy. In fact it continues to be very, very hard. No rose coloured glassed in this A any more. I am not an accommodating OW, or even remotely pleasant to be around at times. Particularly when I'm in my 'negative bitch mode' as MM puts it.

 

I know it's not exactly like what a BS goes through. But it's scarily similar to what I've read. It even made me a little sympathetic to my MM; the thought of him dealing with TWO women going through this. But only a little. He knows he has one more year to work this out. And if he hasn't, I'm so gone.

 

That I feel like this seems to me both paradoxical and hypocritical; a betrayer feeling betrayed. And yet here I am feeling it.

 

I was just wondering if other OW have gone through this and feel this way :-/

[waterwoman]

Hey sol, it hurts like a bitch doesn't it From either side.

 

However you are NOT a betrayer. HE is.

[emmalee]

As an OW myself, I understand how you feel, and to a certain degree I feel the same way.

However I would never share this with my MM, and I think that you being this way, acting so insecure, is a for sure way to make him think "this is what a future with her is like"

You just seem way to clingy.

If you really want him, as hard as this sounds to do, why not break it off with him and tell him once he is single, you are interested. Right now this doesnt sound healthy for anyone invovled.

[WrinkledForehead]

Yes, yes I did feel that way. With how broken my CM described his relationship, I hated that BS still took priority. Of course she did. She didn't know about me and neither of us wanted to reveal the A. Because of the dynamics of their particular R, it left me with mostly open communication channels with him, massive amounts of time together, and a strong bond between CM and me. At some point I started viewing our R as the primary and that led to the feelings of betrayal.

 

A's create and feed insecurity. I disagree with the PP about not mentionin it to Mm though. Part of loving someone is knowing how their mind works, how they react, comforting them through the difficult times. I do struggle with some insecurity in fledgling R's and my CM knew this, as I told him. He knew the A exacerbated those insecurities, and we worked through those together. The A part of our relationship ended almost 2 months ago and I still have moments of break down. He told me not to fall part and I said, "baby, I broke months ago. Now I'm working on putting myself back together." I asked him to love me through it, and with both of us openly communicating, he does. And did even within the A. It takes a certain level of compassion for your AP.

 

You also recognize what he is going through. A smack of reality: he will continue to exchange texts and communicate with her as he always has to maintain the facade that all is well at home. After all, who wants to live in a constant state of turmoil? He will protect both spheres (you and BS) as best he can to make his life easier. No one wants to live a stressful life.

 

Now the one thing I ask of you: you say he is staying for another year. Can you handle basically losing your mind for the next year? Can you stick it out? If so, let him know exactly what is going on for you, that you understand what he is doing and how he is behaving and why, and how it makes you feel. Then work together to show empathy for one another, and find small solutions to lift some of the stress.

 

If you can't handle it, then don't. I'd let him know either way. If you're seeking a full time R with him and he's given you legitimate reasons to believe you will have that (actions! How does he respond to you?) this will be your future, then behave as you would in a FTR. That begins with respect for each other.

[wanting more]

What does he have to work out in the next year?

 

Is he telling his W that he's leaving next year? Or is he appearing remorseful to her now (I'm assuming he is because you're worried about hysterical bonding)

 

Just wondering

[SolG]

@waterwoman - Oh yes! It hurts like nothing else I've ever been through :-(

 

@emmalee - I can't pretend to be who I'm not to him. He says he loves me... he can't just love the nice bits.

 

@wrinkledforehead - I do let him know what I'm going through. Sometimes incredibly forcefully. But I must admit, not always as respectfully as I ought given I really do love and respect MM. And I do understand what he's going through and dealing with. However, understanding is a long way from acceptance. The literature, and many BSs here, talk about triggers. It was a trigger that brought me here to post tonight. On Skype earlier, I asked about a dress I couldn't find; whether or not I had left it in his wardrobe. He said it was (past tense) in his wardrobe, but was now in the storage closet with all my other stuff because his father was coming to visit. It was like the perfect metaphor for what I feel like. Demarcated out of existence whenever his 'real' life intrudes; just packed up in my box and put away out of sight. Hidden and excluded. Can I put up with this insanity-inducing state of affairs for another year? I really don't know :-/ I can only try. Graciously for the most part I hope. And with his help. TY for your thoughts.

 

@wantingmore - For the last two years MM has been telling his wife that he is 'not in love with her' and has apparently maintained that stance ever since. They have had counselling. And she has pleaded with him to really make an effort to save their R. And in the aftermath of DDay, she has asked him to again go to counselling (they start next weekend) and to try again. He has agreed to this, but at the same time (apparently) continued to reiterate that while he does love and care for her deeply, he does not feel a romantic connection with her and nor does he feel this is recoverable. He will, however, commit to the course that she has asked in order to give her closure on the fact that it isn't recoverable even with effort and MC. The state of his M and R with BS is not because of he and I; it was already on this course before I arrived.

[SolG]

PS, Yes I do believe that he is in a state of post-DDay placation with his W. I don't really believe that hysterical bonding will take place... but I fear it nonetheless.

 

PPS, I'm listening to him snore right now. We often spend the night on the phone together. Chatting, then saying goodnight and falling asleep, and then waking together in the morning. It makes my heart melt. Right now in this moment I can almost forget all the pain... almost.

[LaceyFace]

It's very normal to feel this way. That's amazing to me that he is willing to show you and let you know a lot of what goes on between them. He is being open, but in the same sense, you are still there dealing with it all. I have no idea what does on with my MM and his BS even tho they now live 9 hours apart. I have no clue how often they talk or how he even really feels about her.

 

We all got ourselves into a life where we have to deal with the BS in the MM life. It's easy at first, we accept, then we obsess and break down. We feel betrayed because we were told things, made promises, are lied to, sweet talked, used, loved. You name it, and we go through as much emotional distress as the BS does when they find out.

We are all in love yet we all feel betrayed.

 

A friend just told me. Stop worrying about settling down. Have fun and enjoy life. There is more to it than worrying and driving yourself crazy. You are a beautiful person inside and out and what is ment to be will be. You deserve better. If he loves you he will make it work. If not than it is his loss that some else will find you and treat you far better.

[Got it]

Sol - what do you want? Our affair was based on the fact that both of us wanted to divorce. So I agreed to a year and when we had a dday I walked. Since I was not interested in staying in the affair indefinitely I decided that he needed to focus at home and decide what he wanted to do, once and for all. And he needed to see what life was like without me.

 

For me, I couldn't be part of being in an affair after dday. I wasn't interested in trying to actively deceive his wife and go down the rabbit hole of gaslighting, more ddays, etc. I couldn't make him get off the fence but I could eliminate my side of things. I was walking away, if he moved fast enough and could catch up then bully for him. But I wasn't promising that I would always want him. This was the risk he was running.

 

It is really your call, but I know in my case, what hit home a lot for him was actually seeing life without me. He said that while we were broken up he realized how much he loved me and how he didn't want to lose me. I had said to him, if there was anything with his wife, then he needed to focus there. They had never really healed from her affair so had a very muddied relationship as it was and I knew there could have been a chance that he still loved her underneath all of that. And if so, then they needed to repair it.

 

So, bottomline, I understand your feelings, it is very normal. Take care of you. Since the affair we have both been very proactive on keeping things very open, integrated, transparent between the two of us. Through everything, therapy, etc. we have seen the slippery slopes in the past, where the disconnects happened, and are working hard to make sure we have a strong foundation.

 

(((((((SolG)))))))

[underwater2010]

Knowing that you are hurting I am going to be gentle.

 

I can see where you hurt and can relate now the pain that the BS goes through, but why oh why would you continue in an affair knowing that you are suffering this pain and so is she?

 

He had the chance to leave his marriage as soon as she discovered what was really going on and he DID NOT. Which means not only did he lie about leaving but is continuing to put you on a back burner. Why would you want that?

 

As far as him placating his wife.....he is placating you too. He is busy kissing butt to BOTH of you. He has you hanging on with a promise of leaving in another year....what are you going to do when he continues to stay in the marriage after that year has passed? How would you feel if his wife kicked him out and then he decided to come to you? Are you really willing to be the back up plan?

[whichwayisup]

You feel hurt and betrayed, but the thing is, you knew going in he was married. You aren't his wife, he isn't obligated to you...Your emotions and heart may not realize this but rationally on some level you must know that you're his OW in an affair and you can (and should!) walk away from him if you don't like what is going on.

 

I hope you find the strength to end it soon so you can feel peace and normalcy again.

[HopingAgain]

Hes very likely having sex with his wife right now. Theyre trying tosave the marriage and sex is a huge part of that equation.And it doesnt sound like hes leaving anytime soon or at all. He will string you along as long as you allow it.

 

Accept that you are not his wife, you are his mistress. Big difference and his actions after Dday are showing it.

[Quiet Storm]

I think it is common for an OW to feel betrayed because they are under the assumption that they are the primary relationship.

 

OW often see the intense emotion & passion from MM as a sign that his marriage is over. It is hard to believe that someone can be so genuine regarding their feelings for you, and still choose to be married to someone else. Many OW think, "he loves me, so he will leave to be with me". What they don't realize is that for many MM, the relationship with OW is intended to be a supplement to the marriage, and not a replacement. Love does not equal leaving. It's a difficult truth to absorb.

 

Your insecurity may be your minds way of preparing you for the most likely scenario- that he will not leave. It is not too smart to have faith in him, and your logical brain knows this. Your emotional brain loves him & wants to believe him, though. This battle of emotional vs. logical is resulting in your insecurity. You know the odds are against you, but you want so much for what he says to be true.

 

If he is loving towards his wife, and placating her, and has agreed to go to counseling & work on the marriage... I think there is a good chance they will sleep together. He is placating you in the same way, by allowing you to listen to him sleep at night. He is giving her hope that her marriage can be saved, and at the same time giving you hope that he's leaving. Working on the marriage usually involves sex, and I think he'd do that to placate her, as well. He wants to avoid any stress, conflict or confrontation. He is a conflict avoider.

 

We made a vow to only have sex with each other over two years ago

He made vows to her, too. And broke them. Most MM say this so their OW doesn't sleep with other men. He wants to keep his marriage, and have a faithful OW. It is not easy for a MM to find a woman willing to be faithful to him while he is married. He doesn't want to risk you dating and finding a man that can give you everything he can't. The more sheltered you are from other men, the less effort he has to make for you. He wants you to see him as the only option for love, as "the one", because then you will tolerate his marital status & make sacrifices for him. You will fight for this relationship, even at your own detriment, because you believe it will all be worth it in the end. It's very beneficial for MM to set up this dynamic. I call it the "dangling carrot". OW never gives up because she has so much invested.

 

Men that avoid conflict are not very likely to leave their marriages, because they do not want to face the fallout. Having someone mad at them, or disappointed in them is very stressful & they strive to avoid it all costs. Divorce is viewed as a failure, so many of these conflict avoider men are having affairs in order to stay married. "Having an affair to stay married" sounds crazy, but in the mind of the conflict avoider it makes perfect sense - "I found someone willing to meet my needs, so now I don't have to face my marriage problems, or nag my wife for sex. Now I can stay married because my needs are fulfilled".

 

Have you ever considered that maybe you love the way he makes you feel, or the idea of him...instead of the "real" him? I would question the character of a man that is capable of playing both sides the way he is. Giving his wife hope when he knows there is none is not kind, just like it is not kind to give you hope if he has no intentions of leaving his marriage. You deserve a man that has your best interests at heart.

 

If I were you, I would try to pull back emotionally until he leaves the marriage. With his personality, meeting his needs during this time only perpetuates his conflict avoidance, IMO. It allows him to escape his marriage problems, instead of facing them & resolving them through an authentic reconciliation or a divorce.

 

Fill your life with friends, family & activities that bring you joy. Keep busy so that you are not constantly thinking of him. Focus on you, and your emotional well being. You say you feel so insecure that it frightens you... this is a sign that this relationship is not good for you. You should not depend on him for your sense of security. That comes from within you. A strong sense of self is necessary to keep yourself out of harmful situations, as it is your job to protect your heart. You can't depend on this man to have your best interests in mind. He is concerned with lowering his own stress level by trying to control the situation. Placating both you & his wife is not about loving & protecting both of you from the truth. It's about his fears of conflict, confrontation and change.

[whichwayisup]

He is leading you on. I'm sorry, and I could be wrong but his behaviour, him living life with his wife, having sex with her (and if he IS in fact doing counseling with her, you can be sure the MC is suggesting they do have intimacy to bring them closer) and reality is sadly for you, he isn't moving any closer to ending it. Something feels a little off in what he's told you and how his home life is.

[Sub]

I may have missed this, but is he not currently living with his W? I would assume not, as you mentioned leaving your clothes at his place.

[wanting more]

Im confused

 

You say a couple years ago he told his wife he's not on love with her

 

Then a few months back you read text messages which you didn't like because (I'm assuming) they were different than the "I don't love you anymore" text you weRe thinking they would've been.

 

Now he's agreed to go to MC, which his wife has To be assuming its because he wants to work things out.

 

He's telling you he needs a Year to sort things out

 

Does he think MC and staying for another year will make it easier for him to leave?? Do you really believe that?

 

It sounds like he's playing both sides. And both sides are falling for his lies.

[SolG]

Sorry for the long hiatus inbetween my originally posting this thread and getting the time to come back and respond. Thank you all for your replies.

 

To answer some of your questions:

- He has been living away from home for the past year for work - he finished that particular commitment in early December and is now back at home.

- What do I want? Good question :-/ I want him to follow through. Since we first met (before our A began) he has been telling me that he and his W are incompatible and that they married too young and that she can't fulfil him and that he can't see himself staying with her in the longer term. And from what he has told me, they haven't been fulfilling each other's needs for quite a long time. However, they are a great parenting team for the two children.

- I guess I want him to stop dicking us both around. I want the chance for us to see if WE can fulfil each other as a 'real' couple - which we can't do while lurking in shadows. I am under no illusion as to a happily ever after; I accept that we would have to work damn hard and that the odds are stacked against us. I don't want to marry him (been there, done that), and I don't even expect him to ever truly leave his wife behind as she is the mother of his children and needs his support financially and as a parent. In fact, he plans to separate and live under the same roof as a cohabiting co-parent with her; in a non-romantic but respectful sense. (I know that plan is going to draw some ire here!) And I support him in that plan. I don't need his money nor do I have the need for a traditional relationship. I guess I just want to be 'us'. Openly. And have a go at seeing what 'us' can be.

- Yes, the texts between he and his wife shocked me. They were, and still are (I check routinely) quite affectionate and loving. But in comparison to their old emails which I have read, they are not at all romantic. I still do have a really hard time reconciling this. It really eats at me. But we've discussed it adnauseum... and I think I'm at peace with this. Maybe.

- They did not end up starting counselling as I indicated in the inital post as their choice of counsellor is fully booked until March. So they will start then. He has reaffirmed to me that he will use this process to make his W see the futility of continuing to pursue a romantic relationship in the face of their fundamental incompatibility, and to move onto a new phase that is purely platonic and where they both have permission to move on separately in the romantic sense.

 

Since the original post, we have spent a couple of weeks together. We spent Boxing Day night together as well and are about to go away for New Years for a few nights. We have discussed lots and lots; but definitely have a lot more to discuss about the coming year. He moves interstate with the W and kids in January, and still states his intention to start openly dating me in January 2015. We already have some getaways planned. And he plans to connect with my family (he met them a few times as my work colleague and they get along really well) who will be in the same city.

 

I guess the proof will be in the pudding :-/

 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!

[Baby123]

Ouch SolG, that hurt just reading it.

 

My MM left his BS a year ago, he has been living alone since.

 

I really don't think the signs are there that he will separate.

 

Me and MM were only in an A for a couple of months, but wow if I saw any kind of affection to the BS I would have went ballistic. If he was separating why would there need to be affection.

 

Marriage counselling could make them closer- I would never agree to this.

 

I think in terms of how we've handled our A's we were quite similar, my MM called me 'the bitch from hell' at times. But I just thought, why when i'm so beautiful and have so much going for me should I, even for one moment be second to any other woman. Never.

 

If anything I was doing him a favour by looking twice at someone with his baggage and he better walk over hot coals for me... that's just how I work though.

[Nothisgirl]

Sol - what do you want? Our affair was based on the fact that both of us wanted to divorce. So I agreed to a year and when we had a dday I walked. Since I was not interested in staying in the affair indefinitely I decided that he needed to focus at home and decide what he wanted to do, once and for all. And he needed to see what life was like without me.

 

For me, I couldn't be part of being in an affair after dday. I wasn't interested in trying to actively deceive his wife and go down the rabbit hole of gaslighting, more ddays, etc. I couldn't make him get off the fence but I could eliminate my side of things. I was walking away, if he moved fast enough and could catch up then bully for him. But I wasn't promising that I would always want him. This was the risk he was running.

 

It is really your call, but I know in my case, what hit home a lot for him was actually seeing life without me. He said that while we were broken up he realized how much he loved me and how he didn't want to lose me. I had said to him, if there was anything with his wife, then he needed to focus there. They had never really healed from her affair so had a very muddied relationship as it was and I knew there could have been a chance that he still loved her underneath all of that. And if so, then they needed to repair it.

 

So, bottomline, I understand your feelings, it is very normal. Take care of you. Since the affair we have both been very proactive on keeping things very open, integrated, transparent between the two of us. Through everything, therapy, etc. we have seen the slippery slopes in the past, where the disconnects happened, and are working hard to make sure we have a strong foundation.

 

(((((((SolG)))))))

 

 

I really admire your strength... It is post like these that make me remember why I need to stick with NC. Right now we have LC, But only because I haven't been form enough...thanks for the kick in the butt to go back to NC.

 

SolG, I totally get it. Ad I do think he is being forthright with you...MM was always almost *too honest* with me.. I think that some of them can't handle deceiving more than one person at at time..however I also think his attempts at placating you by giving you access to everything is only being done to buy himself more time. Let s be real here...if he was leaving he'd do that..who is going to waste the time and money to do marriage counselling again when they know they will not be there in the end...and what BS is going to accept that? If in fact he has been kup front with her about his feelings (or lack thereof) about her...now, if he was always telling her about you I would be more apt to believe he was on track for leaving...

 

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this..it is incredibly hard staying is hard and so is leaving..there is no easy answer

[ElectricTangerine]

SolG, reading your post made me feel like a train is going your way and you don't see it yet.

 

What your MM is doing is totally counter intuitive. It takes him 2.5 years in total before he can reach the end of his relationship with BS, but even then still continue to live under the same roof with her? Where do you fit in this equation? Are they going to have you over for dinner in their house, double dates with his wife? Are you ever be able to spend time with him and your step-kids in their home? As the time goes by, will you really, truly be 100% comfortable with another woman being emotionally and financially dependent on him, even if it's not in a romantic sense?

 

Here's a big problem I see. The wife wants to keep the marriage. She loves him. She sure as hell wants more than a "respectful co-parenting cohabiting" relationship. He still sends her loving and affectionate messages. What does that show? Do you really think he'll just make a big revelation during MC that he only loves and respects her as the mother of his children and nothing else? Why does he need to go to MC to do that, why not start now? Why is he not clear with her about his emotions now and if there's no more love between them, WTF is the point of him sending BS affectionate messages? Really, WTF?! How vile is it to deceive the BS like that? And she will be perfectly fine with living under the same roof as her husband who is now openly dating other women; in a year she'll be totally over the marriage she wants to hold on to so bad? If you look at the situation objectively, something is wrong here.

 

He wants a real relationship with you, doesn't love the BS, so the best course of action is... To continue appeasing the BS for over 2 years, pretend their marriage is far from over, send her loving messages, go to MC, keep you a secret. Makes perfect sense.

 

My xMM handled things almost in the same way as your MM. I believed him for a year and a half that he was working on severing the ties with his W and divorcing. It turned out he was just avoiding conflict, action and change. Things were NOT as he described them at all. I found out that for the first 6 months of our relationship, he was still living with his wife. He claimed they were separated and it didn't matter he was still in the marital home, because he slept in a loft and they barely had any contact, common meals, they did their own thing, she understood he was only still there because of financial reasons... yadda yadda yadda. After this I demanded full disclosure, he gave me passwords to his e-mails and everything else. So I got a chance to read the messages between them from the "separation period" and saw e-mails of him professing his love for her, telling her that he misses her, the activities they did together... Just 2 days after him and I spent a week together, he already had plans for joint activities with the BS like nothing happened. In addition, I found out that he never even cared to consult a lawyer about the divorce, so things were going absolutely nowhere. And I really trusted this guy and all the BS he fed me about what needs to be done and that he's actively trying. I felt so unbelievably betrayed when I found out the truth.

 

OW tend to believe and accept so much, because our common sense is clouded by love and trust in MM. We want to believe. When you look at things objectively, you realise he's just a really passive coward and too weak to do what needs to be done. People who are done with their marriage don't need a big theatrical production lasting more than 2 years to end it.

 

You're in for A LOT of heartache and obsession if you continue being in an affair with this man for another year. It will leave you exhausted, crazy and even more wounded. I really think it's best that you end things with your MM and tell him to contact you when he and his W reached the point he talks about. If he's serious about you, it will happen. Maybe even at a faster pace than it otherwise would, because he will realise what it's like to not have you in his life. I strongly suggest you walk away and save yourself a year of sorrow. Occasional getaways won't be enough to keep you happy, it will all just cause more pain along the way. End it now.

[flowingmane]

Wrinkled Forehead - thank you for that post... you just helped me tremendously, although my situation not quite the same as OP.

[rumbleseat]

No offence intended, butchered are more red flags here than there are in communist china. He is showing you that he is capable of lying over and over and over in order to get his needs met. He is also showing you that he is good enough at lying to fool his betrayed wife, so what on god's green earth makes you think he isn't doing the same thing to you?

[flowingmane]

Ouch SolG, that hurt just reading it.

 

My MM left his BS a year ago, he has been living alone since.

 

I really don't think the signs are there that he will separate.

 

Me and MM were only in an A for a couple of months, but wow if I saw any kind of affection to the BS I would have went ballistic. If he was separating why would there need to be affection.

 

Marriage counselling could make them closer- I would never agree to this.

 

 

Whenever I heard anything from my MM that sounded remotely different than what he was describing to me, I called him on it. One way or another he knew that he had hurt me and that I wasn't buying the story.

 

I don't think your MM is going to leave either OP, unless one of you pushes him out the door. I'm not saying that to be cruel, it's just my gut reacting to the tiny bit of information you shared. I don't know the whole truth or the dynamic between you, or the man you know him to be.

 

I would risk asking him what is to be gained by this. (I might regret it afterwards, but I would do it). Is MC supposed to help with a court settlement and show he "really tried"? How does it help his relationship with you? And why does he have to stay in the same place - is it money? Is it some misguided percception that it's better for the kids? I'm a child of a very bad marriage - believe me, my parents staying in contact for my sake was not good. I was asking my dad to leave and telling my mom to leave because I couldn't stand the situation. Kids know. This sounds like it would be an unhealthy situation for every single person involved.

[veryhappy]

Please listen to what everyone is saying.

 

My exAP went to MC to allegedly work out the divorce because she was insisting on it. He was oh so done with the marriage. I knew better than to continue being fed so much crap and ended it. One and a half month later he came back to resume the affair and rub it in my face that he never intended to be with me. Fun times...

 

Please believe that voice inside you and see that they're moving, staying together, waiting for their choice of MC. You are not part of any of it and they are not getting a divorce. Please tell him to contact you once he's divorced. He'll never get out of the wife's spell because he doesn't want to.

Edited December 28, 2013 by cutedragon

[whichwayisup]

You certainly must love him to put up with what he's offering you. Which isn't that much..

 

Wish you the best, whichever path you decide: to walk away and maybe one day when he's officially divorced you two can date and do this in a proper way or if you stay and see how things go.

 

Just really seems that he is torn between his wife and family life vs you and what you offer him. That's a total stand still, and you staying keeps in him that mode.