Heartbroken and Unsure

[Peter54321]

Hello,

 

Not sure where to start but here goes... (Hopefully this is not too long)

 

I feel broken. My girlfriend and I just split up which was her decision after 2 and a half years. I know everyone says this but to me it seemed like the perfect relationship but I guess it wasn't. We were very much in love and always spoke about our future, I was always invited to family events (she had a big family) and was set to spend this Christmas with her family. She always told me how much she loved me and is a very mature 20 because of some family dramas that went on when she was 16ish. We did everything together and never went a day without a text or call of a night to see how each others day went. We usually spent 3 nights a week at each others house, sometimes more sometimes less. I had never been happier in my life and now it just feels like I have yet again lost another person who I loved. Although this time it was a decision not a passing

 

Basically a few months ago she started hanging out with 2 new girlfriends who were both single and always went out partying. Ever since that I thought she felt a bit distant or a bit different even? She always told me not to worry about it etc etc but eventually I had to get her to have a serious chat about us and her future and what she wants to do at the moment and we discussed a lot and both ended up in tears and agreed to work on our own problems. After that it was great, we had a bit of a chuckle about some of our problems and it all seemed great.

 

A week later she was back to how she was before and maybe I was being too clingy or dependent but I had to talk to her again. This ended up with us both agreeing it would be a good idea to go on a 2 week break to give her a chance to miss me and so we could both take a step back and appreciate what we have. This is where I screwed up; 2 days after we went on the break I was panicking and just had a bad feeling, I told her how much I loved her and it was a mistake to go on the break etc etc'. Eventually I found out through Facebook (eff you facebook) that she was planning to end things with me. I ended up finally getting in contact with her and told her I found out and that I would appreciate if we had a proper talk about it and if it was what she really wanted I would respect her wishes.

 

So the next day she wouldn't meet with me anywhere she just wanted to come to mine on the way to pick her mum up from work and we would have a talk and I would give her some items she had at my house. This is the part that shattered me; she only swung by for 20 minutes and showed absolutely no emotion, no sensitivity, in a way it looked like she was happy? She tried to explain what she wanted but really couldn't... she basically just said that she wanted to experience being an adult by herself and she wanted to be alone? Anyway it was over and I was devastated, I didn't know what had gone wrong or how it had ended quickly and coldly? She always said if something happened she would be broken and she wouldn't know how to live without me. Just as she was leaving we had a quick hug and kiss and she said to keep in contact and we would still be friends and in 6 months or a year who knows we could be back together. I just don't understand how someone who supposedly loved you so much can just walk away without emotion? I have been reading a lot into it to try to make myself better and I came across this G.I.G.S thing if anyone would like to read it. I think it definitely hit the nail on the head about what happened. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up- reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass- greener-syndrome

 

For the next couple of days I really had no idea what to do except for constantly think about things and get upset. I decided to google some things and came across these forums which I am VERY grateful for because I feel I have a lot more understanding and feel like this isn't the end. Reading other peoples problems that were identical, similar or even different has really helped me through this (even though it has only been a week). So far there has been no contact between us even though she said we should be friends and to keep in contact. After reading so many topics and posts on this forum I know the only way I can get her back or move on would be no contact. Today was actually the first day I have been angry, I don't know why because I have been so upset and confused but today I just woke up angry, I felt betrayed after everything we had been through but had to jump back on the site to calm myself down and get back to positive thinking. She had kept me on facebook and not deleted our pictures but I decided today (1 week after the breakup) that I would block delete her and her family from facebook. I sent her brother a message just saying basically 'dont take offence but it is best for me if i delete everyone so it is easy for me to move on, best regards etc etc'.

 

I am not sure if I should send her one last message letting her know why I have deleted her and her family on facebook and apologise that it didn't work out between us? I really want to but every time I think about it I come on here and try to post. But then I don't. God this is awful..

Now I am unsure what to do? I know I have to work on myself and I while I am on Uni holidays I have applied for some volunteer work while waiting for a paid job.

 

I guess I think I just posted this as comfort and to get everything off of my chest and maybe others could give me their 2 cents on the topic or their own stories? Should I send her a final message saying goodbye or goodluck and sorry it didnt work out? Or ask what she is thinking? What else should I do/expect? I guess I'm just shocked and confused about how it went downhill so quickly? It was literally 2 weeks ago she told me how excited she was for me to go to her family Christmas and spending time away for my Birthday in a weeks time (had booked a place and had to cancel)... I really don't know

 

I am really glad there are forums like this it has definitely helped me stay strong-ish through this ordeal.

 

Sorry for making it so long I have so much more to say but I really didn't want to drag it on longer than it already is.

 

Peter

[Peter54321]

Also before she left when I gave her back her things I gave her a letter that I had been writing during the 2 week break. It was basically everything on my mind about myself her and our relationship. I told her to read it when she feels like it just to know how I feel because it is hard to say everything that is on your mind to someone in such a short time.

[clementyne]

Sorry this happened to you. It hurts when they move on so quickly and you're still wondering what the hell happened. My ex was the same...very little sensitivity towards me or my feelings. And he also started to change after hanging out with certain people. So much so that he ended the relationship even though he once told me that he would be devastated if I ever left him. I went into a major depression while he went on with his life quite happily. I think it's cause they already made the decision in their heads but implement it much later, by which time they've dealt with all or any emotions they might have had, whereas it's all very new and raw for us.

 

Anyway all you can do is go NC and focus on yourself now. Give yourself plenty of time to heal. Since you already wrote her a letter, there's no need to send any further message. Trust me, it won't help and might even make things worse so please don't do it. And no need to apologise or explain yourself if or when you remove people related to her from FB. Just do what you gotta do and think of yourself now. Find things you enjoy doing and go do them. Fill up your time with enjoyable activities and surround yourself with family and friends. Post on here whenever you're having a bad day rather than contact her. And anger is good...it's just a way of processing emotions and part of the healing process. Even I've been feeling really angry lately. At least it's better than feeling numb all the time. Stay strong and keep posting!

Edited November 19, 2013 by clementyne

[Peter54321]

Thanks very much for the words Clementyne. I guess I know that there are so many people out there that have gone through the same thing or worse but it feels good actually hearing from someone.

I definitely understand what you mean by them having already made the decision and implementing it later. They basically know it's going to happen so give themselves time to think it through and recover and bam! put it on you when they have already emotionally moved on. Pretty cowardly I think :S

 

Oh well I'll do just that, have to keep myself busy with activities and volunteer work and stuff at the moment. I've actually been talking to my mum and my sister a lot more now as well. Hopefully it gets easier soon because I guess it's very up and down.

 

If you don't mind me asking; how are you with everything now? Have you moved on? How long did it take?

 

Thankyou, definitely makes me feel better finally getting it off my chest. Feels very weird the way she was always there for me and I was there for her and now in my time of need I can't actually talk to her about my problems because she is them.... hehe

[Simplysimon]

Hello,

 

Not sure where to start but here goes... (Hopefully this is not too long)

 

I feel broken. My girlfriend and I just split up which was her decision after 2 and a half years. I know everyone says this but to me it seemed like the perfect relationship but I guess it wasn't. We were very much in love and always spoke about our future, I was always invited to family events (she had a big family) and was set to spend this Christmas with her family. She always told me how much she loved me and is a very mature 20 because of some family dramas that went on when she was 16ish. We did everything together and never went a day without a text or call of a night to see how each others day went. We usually spent 3 nights a week at each others house, sometimes more sometimes less. I had never been happier in my life and now it just feels like I have yet again lost another person who I loved. Although this time it was a decision not a passing

 

Basically a few months ago she started hanging out with 2 new girlfriends who were both single and always went out partying. Ever since that I thought she felt a bit distant or a bit different even? She always told me not to worry about it etc etc but eventually I had to get her to have a serious chat about us and her future and what she wants to do at the moment and we discussed a lot and both ended up in tears and agreed to work on our own problems. After that it was great, we had a bit of a chuckle about some of our problems and it all seemed great.

 

A week later she was back to how she was before and maybe I was being too clingy or dependent but I had to talk to her again. This ended up with us both agreeing it would be a good idea to go on a 2 week break to give her a chance to miss me and so we could both take a step back and appreciate what we have. This is where I screwed up; 2 days after we went on the break I was panicking and just had a bad feeling, I told her how much I loved her and it was a mistake to go on the break etc etc'. Eventually I found out through Facebook (eff you facebook) that she was planning to end things with me. I ended up finally getting in contact with her and told her I found out and that I would appreciate if we had a proper talk about it and if it was what she really wanted I would respect her wishes.

 

So the next day she wouldn't meet with me anywhere she just wanted to come to mine on the way to pick her mum up from work and we would have a talk and I would give her some items she had at my house. This is the part that shattered me; she only swung by for 20 minutes and showed absolutely no emotion, no sensitivity, in a way it looked like she was happy? She tried to explain what she wanted but really couldn't... she basically just said that she wanted to experience being an adult by herself and she wanted to be alone? Anyway it was over and I was devastated, I didn't know what had gone wrong or how it had ended quickly and coldly? She always said if something happened she would be broken and she wouldn't know how to live without me. Just as she was leaving we had a quick hug and kiss and she said to keep in contact and we would still be friends and in 6 months or a year who knows we could be back together. I just don't understand how someone who supposedly loved you so much can just walk away without emotion? I have been reading a lot into it to try to make myself better and I came across this G.I.G.S thing if anyone would like to read it. I think it definitely hit the nail on the head about what happened. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up- reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass- greener-syndrome

 

For the next couple of days I really had no idea what to do except for constantly think about things and get upset. I decided to google some things and came across these forums which I am VERY grateful for because I feel I have a lot more understanding and feel like this isn't the end. Reading other peoples problems that were identical, similar or even different has really helped me through this (even though it has only been a week). So far there has been no contact between us even though she said we should be friends and to keep in contact. After reading so many topics and posts on this forum I know the only way I can get her back or move on would be no contact. Today was actually the first day I have been angry, I don't know why because I have been so upset and confused but today I just woke up angry, I felt betrayed after everything we had been through but had to jump back on the site to calm myself down and get back to positive thinking. She had kept me on facebook and not deleted our pictures but I decided today (1 week after the breakup) that I would block delete her and her family from facebook. I sent her brother a message just saying basically 'dont take offence but it is best for me if i delete everyone so it is easy for me to move on, best regards etc etc'.

 

I am not sure if I should send her one last message letting her know why I have deleted her and her family on facebook and apologise that it didn't work out between us? I really want to but every time I think about it I come on here and try to post. But then I don't. God this is awful..

Now I am unsure what to do? I know I have to work on myself and I while I am on Uni holidays I have applied for some volunteer work while waiting for a paid job.

 

I guess I think I just posted this as comfort and to get everything off of my chest and maybe others could give me their 2 cents on the topic or their own stories? Should I send her a final message saying goodbye or goodluck and sorry it didnt work out? Or ask what she is thinking? What else should I do/expect? I guess I'm just shocked and confused about how it went downhill so quickly? It was literally 2 weeks ago she told me how excited she was for me to go to her family Christmas and spending time away for my Birthday in a weeks time (had booked a place and had to cancel)... I really don't know

 

I am really glad there are forums like this it has definitely helped me stay strong-ish through this ordeal.

 

Sorry for making it so long I have so much more to say but I really didn't want to drag it on longer than it already is.

 

Peter

 

 

 

First of all I understand how you feel having been there many times and it really sucks.

 

There's a few ways to handle this and look at logically. She hung out with her friends and found the single life fun. Your both young so you should be having fun. This taster she experienced May have given her the urge to move on and try new things. It could be a spur of the moment thing where the novelty dies off or it could be the end for you and her.

So what can you do? Well it's out of your control to be honest but there are things you can do to try to pull her back.

You mentioned a finally message. I wouldn't write her anything go see her. Tell her you love her but respect her wishes. You don't want to be put in friendship mode you want to be her man. Tell her again you love her and the doors open. Now walk away and mean it. No crying or begging , just go.

This is where the hard part starts. You must never contact her again, ever, in anyway. The only thing you can do is make her miss you. Do absolutely nothing.

She needs to sense the loss. Now this may take a week or two but do not return any contact for at least 4-6 weeks. If she wants you it will eat her up inside.

Now cry it all out and get back in the game. Meet new girls and have fun.

She will contact you I guaranty it. If she doesn't the relationship was over a long time ago but if she has 50% or more interest in you she will be back? by the time a month passes you will feel better and just as your getting over her when you start to forget she will call.....when you answer just be happy and do t talk about the relationship..hang up and leave her wanting more...go no contact again and she will keep coming back if she hasn't lost it completely already

 

Best of luck.

[Peter54321]

Ahh it's just so difficult and weird. I haven't broken NC since the day she ended it, haven't even heard from her (it's been 2 weeks). It's weird how you go from talking to each other every single to day absolutely nothing. It certainly makes me feel like ****. I have been alright so far but have good and bad days I guess. The bad days always feel like you're going backwards not moving forward but I know hopefully in time I will be feeling okay and if she comes back it was meant to be.

[Simplysimon]

Ahh it's just so difficult and weird. I haven't broken NC since the day she ended it, haven't even heard from her (it's been 2 weeks). It's weird how you go from talking to each other every single to day absolutely nothing. It certainly makes me feel like ****. I have been alright so far but have good and bad days I guess. The bad days always feel like you're going backwards not moving forward but I know hopefully in time I will be feeling okay and if she comes back it was meant to be.

 

I'm in exactly the same situation. We were just about to buy a new house. I'm 2weeks no contact. We lived together. It's hard to stop contact and it's hard for her to. It will get easier for you and harder for her if she had a certain level of interest in you. Flip it round. She misses you to believe it.Every relationship is different but if you do split, over time they forget the bad things and think of the good things.

Leave it 4 to 5 weeks then if you still haven't heard from her send her a flaccid text. Nothing like 'hi how are you' more like 'lol just been reading...bla bla bla.... And it reminded me of you". Importantly it should be something nostalgic that will stir her mind that connects you both. Do not say anything about NC. Make up a lame excuse like someone was sick or your cat was ill. She will see through anything else and you don't want to let her think you have been ignoring her.

In 4 to 5 weeks you will feel much better.

And try to find someone else. Heal one with another.

Be good.

[Peter54321]

Wow man about to buy a new house, that's tough! I will keep doing NC like you said and hopefully she actually reaches out to me one day, if not it was not meant to be. But I think she will because I know she loves me and how many great times we had and how close we were.

I guess it is so much easier for her to move on because

A) It was her decision to end it and she actually looked like she didn't care when she grabbed her things and left.

B) It seems it is so much easier for girls to meet guys, especially now that she goes out clubbing and stuff all the time. All the guys just wan't a one night stand with any girl there and she is really attractive so she will have alot of attention and options. Whereas me, I hate going clubbing and stuff and don't like the idea of drunk sex with a stranger chick, I want a connection which is hard to find especially when girls never seem interested at all.

Good luck to you Simplysimon and let me know how you end up going man.

[Peter54321]

Yesterday I saw my ex driving, she didn't see me luckily but it really hurt me inside. I don't know why I think it is just because she was with her friend (who I think had impact on our relationship) and she looked so happy. It is so unfair, I am miserable after everything and she is happy? Like me or our relationship never existed?

 

It has been 3 weeks since she left me, I have been strict No-Contact and as hard as it is, I feel like I was doing a decent job coping with this (thanks to the forums). But now after seeing her yesterday I feel like ****.

 

It sort of feels like I have to start again from the day she left. I know in the future when she gets over this somewhat 'phase' or goes through a bad break-up or something she will probably get in touch with me, but to be honest as much as I love her I don't think I could ever be with her again. It hurts me to say that but I think it would just be weird and what's to say she wouldn't do the same thing again?

 

I am just trying to be excited about the future and meeting someone else. I don't want a rebound relationship but honestly sometimes I think it wouldn't be a bad thing...

[Peter54321]

So yesterday was awful for me. It's been 3 weeks since she ended it and I have been in NC.

Yesterday was my birthday and I didn't even get a 'happy birthday' text or anything.. nothing...

I don't know why I was hoping I would, she is not even part of my life now but I just thought after 2 and a half great years and always having great birthdays and christmas' and family events I would at least get something?

I was angry, for the first time I was actually really angry... I raged and had to go outside and slay the brick wall (more like my hands). Oh well it's better than being sad right? Oh well next birthday will be better....

 

Feels good to vent on here thanks!

[KelC411]

I am sorry to hear this happened to you. My ex ended it 9 days ago unexpectedly and coldly after just recently being sweet and normal to me. Now he "just doesnt love me anymore" and wants a clean break. It is so shocking and hurtful.i think the best thing we can do is keep NC and try to think that if we werent worth being honest and working things out then we deserve better (after we heal).

[Peter54321]

That sucks Kelc. Definitely hurts a lot but you're right, we do deserver better and I think one day when we find 'the one' we will realise why it never worked out with others and even be thanking them for ending it. Although maybe not the way they did....

Good luck and keep us updated

[RDawg]

The best thing to do in this situation is to go No Contact. Don't ever speak to her again, delete her number number and block her on facebook.

[Peter54321]

I have done all that RDawg but that's the hard thing. You spend so long with someone and all of a sudden they are just non existent. They dissapear out of your life forever. I'm scared of forgetting the memories.